Lacy

My dad wanted a girl named Lacy. He wanted a girl’s girl. He got one.

And if he wanted a girl that wore dresses, he got one.

If he wanted a girl who liked girl things, he got one.

If he wanted much else, I don’t know. He might not have got what he expected.

---

My story starts in Ohio. It starts at a funeral. It starts at a funeral for a girl named Heather, who I knew from there. We went to school together. She died of a drug overdose. It was heroin.

We all went together, me and some people who knew her, from our classes. It was right after graduation. She died right before graduation. So we all showed up at the church in Centerville where they were having the funeral, and we sat together in the front rows, right behind the family. The girls were crying. Even Nathan cried a little, I saw him. Ben was sitting next to me, past that it was Tosha and Mike, then Caroline, then Tiffany, then Nathan. We were all in plays together at school. Heather was the star. They said she was a triple-threat. They said she was the most likely to succeed. And it’s true, she could sing, dance, and act. But she also liked to shoot heroin. As she would say she was “fond of the needle.” They found her slumped over in her bedroom. Her parents found her. They made pictures available to the news, to help warn other children off from doing it. That’s how much her parents didn’t want this to happen to someone else’s kid. This gray-looking picture of her, with a rubber strap around her arm, leaned forward over her legs. I would just imagine her dying, her heart stopping, that last moment of knowing you’re alive, and then she couldn’t breathe.

So Heather overdosed on Tuesday and we had graduation on Thursday. The funeral was Saturday. We didn’t even have time to prepare a speech, some sort of tribute to her, it was just a brief announcement that said “in memory of.” Not even anything in the program. We wanted to get together and have some sort of student share time to talk about her death, but with graduation it never got organized. Friday me and Caroline hung out at my apartment, looking at Heather’s picture, and Saturday I picked Ben up and we went to the funeral.

---

It was in a stone church in Centerville. It was Heather’s family church. I don’t think Heather ever went to it, except that day. Her parents were glad to see us. They said it meant a lot to them that so many of her friends showed up and they said that they missed her but that she was so stupid and they cried. We sat up front to be respectful, but I wished we were sitting in the back. I wore a black dress, short, and high heels. Ben managed to come up with a suit, but he was wearing a t-shirt underneath it. Tiffany and Caroline magically had funeral clothes, properly-looking formal, and Nathan was the same way. Nathan goes to church, I know.

The pastor was talking about Heather as a child and saying she would be “dearly missed” and he said “Her memory will remain with us, through the times ahead” and that the lord was waiting for her. To receive her, or something. I just thought about the gray picture and wished I had been there with her when she died. She was in her room, alone. What a terrible way to die. I wanted to be there, with her, maybe to hold her hand. Maybe to die with her! She was the most talented out of any of us. She really was. She could have gone on to do anything. Be a pop star, whatever. I think Heather was crazier than me. Which is too bad, because crazy people need other crazy people to keep them company. We weren’t best friends or anything, but still, she should have had someone with her when she died.

Ben was holding my hand. He was rubbing it between his thumb and other fingers like he was trying to get a stain off. I can’t stand it when he does that but I let him do it because it was a funeral. Caroline was blasting through a pack of tissues. She cried a lot. Caroline has a big imagination about things. She goes places in her mind. Maybe more than I do. I saw Nathan fussing with the hymnals, trying to get them straight, all lined up, and that’s when he was crying too. I cried a little. But I was smiling, too, just because the ceiling was so high and the light so bright. The place was just so open that I couldn’t not smile, and I held my head high while I did it. Heather was a crazy bitch, she wouldn’t have cared. In fact, she wouldn’t have even been at a funeral unless it was her brother. Maybe not even then. She liked to drink, too, and she could drink a lot. She liked dressing up in vinyl. I kind of admired her, though I never admitted it. She always took the parts. Always. I never got a part that Heather tried out for. She was always working. If it wasn’t Romeo and Juliet she was playing Typhoid Mary in some student-run production. She shot heroin at school. One of our vocal instructors called her out on it. He could tell by her voice that she had been doing it a long time. And she had. She had been doing it since she was like fourteen. So yeah I smiled, I smiled a little bit at her funeral, because I was still alive and of course I was sorry she was not but what could I do about it? The dumb bitch had killed herself with a shot of heroin.

Ben took his hand and ran it just underneath the hem of my dress. He always likes it when I think bad things.

---

He likes it when I dress up naughty, which I love to do for him. He likes it when I don’t wear panties. He likes it when I toe him under the table at a restaurant. He likes it when I scream when we fuck. He likes when I call him to come over late at night. He likes when I drink too much. He likes when I call his name. He likes when the party gets out of control. He likes it when I make him smell my panties. He likes it when I send him panties in the mail. Ben likes it when I grab his testicles. He likes it when I roll them around in my hand. He likes it when I put both of them in my mouth at the same time. He likes it when I spread my ass cheeks. He likes it when things get rough. When I get on top of him. He likes to be held down. He likes when I curse at him. He likes it when I swear. Ben is a freak for all these things. Ben and I are a good pair.

---

Sometimes I lose my train of thought. We were at the funeral. The pastor was saying the lord was coming for her, that she wouldn’t be alone, that this was not an accident, somehow, that this was part of god’s plan, and that in time it would be revealed, in its own way, why this had happened. That we would each see it, in the path of our lives. Ben’s hand was just barely under the hem of my skirt and I reached down and took it out and gave him a shame-on-you look and went back to listening to the sermon.

Heather was up there, you could see her, and she wasn’t all bent over anymore. They had laid her out. She looked beautiful. But she wasn’t going to be a pop star now.

I listened to the rest of the sermon quietly and didn’t let my thoughts get out of control. I just imagined Heather doing all the things she should have done in life, becoming a super-star actress, having fights with her boyfriend on the cover of Star magazine. Getting stalked by a stalker who never really hurt her, but who came to her house and tried to take pictures through her front windows. Having her personal life and drug habit become a matter of public record. That was what was supposed to happen to her. Why couldn’t she be a sensible drug addict who never overdosed? She should have at least lived till twenty-four.

I remembered this one time in scene class when Heather did her scene. She went before me and her scene was oh-so-perfect. It totally upstaged me. After her scene, no one wanted to see anything. But Heather. So my scene sucked, naturally. Nothing I could have done would have made it suck less except if Heather hadn’t gone before me. I remembered that time.

I wasn’t mad at her though. She was just a girl who had wicked talent and liked to flaunt it. A girl with a heroin problem who unfortunately died because of it. I was sad for her, and I wished she was still around.

“Let’s go.”

Ben looked at me.

“Let’s go.” I spoke to Tosha. “Meet us at the restaurant.”

Tosha nodded. Mike looked straight ahead.

“We’ll meet you there.”

I put my hand on Ben’s leg and rose. Ben came after me. We walked out of that church and I didn’t look back to see if the family was watching me.

---

“You know what occurs to me?”

We were in the car.

“What.”

I had my hand on the ignition.

“That it wasn’t an accident.” I look at Ben. “You know? What if she meant to die? School is over, she hates her life, doesn’t want to graduate for whatever reason. She’s pissed at her parents for not supporting her to go to LA. Or whatever. She just hates life. She does herself in with heroin. It’s something she knows. She figures it’s pleasant to go that way, all high and shit. You know?”

“Maybe you’re right,” Ben says. “I mean, maybe.”

“But she didn’t leave a note. Is she the type that would have left a note?”

“Most people do.”

“Yeah. No. She probably would have. She would have left a note. Oh well. It’s just a theory.”

I start the car.

---

We drive to the Indian restaurant. India Palace. Ben and I are there forty-five minutes before everyone else arrives. We’re sitting at a table drinking water and eating nan when Tosh comes through the door.

“Hey, guys.”

Mike is right behind her.

Tosha asks if I’m ok.

“Yeah, I just needed to get out of there.”

We hug.

“That’s ok, sweetie, I understand.”

There’s no one in this Indian restaurant, it’s just me and Ben. And now Caroline and Tiffany, and Nathan, are coming in. Tosha and Mike take the seats next to us. Our waiter comes back to fill water glasses.

“How was the rest of that funeral?”

“Oh, you know.”

“We talked to her mom afterwards forever.”

“How is she doing? I mean—duh. She’s doing terrible. Her daughter just died. Sorry.”

“No, she’s doing alright. She seemed to be accepting it at least.”

“Well that’s good.”

“Guys, I don’t believe we’re here.”

“Our favorite restaurant! You mean the reason we’re here. Yeah.”

“Give me a hug.”

“Ok, guys, don’t be stupid.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“She was just stupid, that’s all.”

“Lacy has an interesting theory.”

“What’s your interesting theory.”

“Ben!”

“Yeah, what is it.”

“Forget it. Let’s just order. Ben, can you go out to the car, get my sunglasses?”

---

“So what’s your theory?”

I take the straw out of my mouth.

“That she killed herself.”

“Lacy!”

“What? We’re allowed to theorize.”

“Jesus, Lacy.”

“Well maybe she did.”

“She didn’t leave a note. Did she?”

“That’s what I was saying.”

“No, she didn’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t you think if she had that someone would have said something about it?”

“Maybe not. Maybe they’re embarrassed.”

“Well, I don’t know, y’all. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“It’s just a theory.”

---

That afternoon we talked about the theory. We talked about our plans to move to LA. Ben was coming with me. Tosha and Mike were going to move later in the summer. Caroline and Tiffany couldn’t make their mind up about living together, and Nathan wasn’t going.

“Come with us.”

“Yeah, do.”

“I don’t have a job, you guys have the studio set up.”

“You can sleep on our couch.”

“Yes,” Ben said, “come.”

I put my hand on Nathan’s. “Yes. Come. We need you there. You can stay on our couch until you find a place.”

“But I’ve heard it’s really hard to find jobs out there.”

“Maybe we can get you something at the studio.”

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean ‘maybe’. What are you going to do if you stay here? Work at Arby’s? Come on, Nathan, you have to go. It’s where your dream is. If you don’t come this summer then you have to come out by the fall. You could work for a while and save up some money. Then come out. That would give you time to look for a place.”

“I don’t know. We’ll see, ok?”

“That means no.”

“Give him a break.”

“No, I’m not going to give him a break. I’m going to bug him until he comes with us. We have room in the car. You can ride out with us next week.”

Nathan looks tentative. “Could I?”

Ben puts his arm around Nathan’s shoulder. “You have to! You have to, bro. Lacy will drive and I’ll read science fiction novels to you the whole time. That’s how we do it.”

“It’s true,” I say. “I’ll drive and Ben will read science fiction novels to us the whole time.”

“Like what novel?”

“We can only tell you if you’re going to come.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That means no again. Nathan. Stop being a pussy.”

“I just. Don’t know if I’d actually like LA. I mean in theory. In theory it’s one thing. But. Remember that story Joey was telling us about, when he lived in Koreatown? About his roommate getting stabbed in the neck at that Burger King, just for pissing off some dude?”

“Don’t live in Koreatown.”

“I’m not sure I can afford to live anywhere else.”

“You can afford to live in Hollywood.”

“I’ll get stabbed in the neck in Hollywood too! Guys, I hear it’s really rough out there.”

“Just don’t piss people off. I’m joking. Those are just stories. Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

Nathan gives me this look.

“I’m serious, Nathan, stop worrying. Bad things happen here, too. Girls with their entire future ahead of them kill themselves with shots of heroin. How much worse does it get? Shut up. I’m talking. You’re going to die somewhere, you might as well be chasing your dreams. How can you chase your dreams in Ohio? What if Heather had gone to LA sooner, and not been wasting her time in school? Maybe she would have made a movie, and then killed herself with heroin. I’m not saying she killed herself killed herself. I’m just saying. She died. Maybe she could have made something of herself before she died if she wasn’t dicking around in Ohio. Maybe you could make something of yourself if you stop dicking around in Ohio.”

“Lacy.”

“No. I’m serious. You’re gonna work in your dad’s shop? Making signs? With you and all of your brothers? You’re an actor, Nathan. You’re good. You don’t belong here.”

I put my water glass down on the table. I straighten my dress. I’m not going to take this bullshit from these people while we’re at a funeral. Time is short. Life is now. I’m going to make speeches when I want to make speeches and Nathan is going to have to listen to it whether he likes it or not. I’m trying to save his life here.

I put my hand on Ben’s leg and rub it through his suit pants. Thin fabric. I’m going to give Ben a mad fucking after this lunch. Take him out of those clothes. Let him pull up my dress. He needs it, sometimes, needs it bad, and I believe that right after a funeral is one of those times. I rub his leg harder. Why no one else understands this, I don’t know, but life is short and you’ve got to take advantage of it while it’s here.

I stand up.

“I have an announcement to make.”

I’m woozy from the wine.

I shoot Ben a look. I hope he’s ready for this.

I tink my fork on a glass for effect.

“Ben and I are getting married.”

Ben is smiling at me. He was ready for it.

Tosha jumps up. “Married!!”

Mike is looking at Ben.

Caroline and Tiffany are both coming over to me.

Nathan shakes Ben’s hand.

“You’re getting married?”

“We decided last week.”

“Who proposed to who?”

“Don’t tell!”

“I don’t believe it!”

“Congratulations, sir.”

“Sir my ass. Come here, give me a hug.”

“Oh my gosh! Tell us! Tell us everything!”

“Where are you doing it?”

“In LA?”

“No, we’re having the ceremony here, actually.”

“That was fast!”

“We’re doing it in Ben’s backyard.”

“We wanted something small.”

“You’re all invited!”

“Oh, we’ll be there. When is it?”

“Next week!”

“What!!?”

“It’s sudden, I know.”

“You can do it however you want. It’s your wedding.”

“Thank you. Can you tell my parents the same thing?”

“Are they not happy?”

“They wanted a church.”

“Ben’s yard is amazing!”

“I know! We just wanted a few people and a kiss!”

“What’s your dress? Do you have a dress?”

“I’m not doing anything special for the dress. I mean I have a dress. We’re looking at it. It’s simple. You’d like it.”

“I’m sure I will.”

“Are you having a honeymoon?”

“Our honeymoon is moving to LA.”

“So come with us. It’ll be fun.”

“Well,” Caroline says, “I’ll see you there later this summer. Nathan, you should go with them.”

But no one bugged Nathan about that anymore. And he didn’t come with us. He stayed back in Ohio to work at his father’s sign shop and he never even came to visit. We forgot about him, basically. He became just one more of those people I’ve left behind, from school, from early life, who made a minor impression on me, but whose path went another way. I miss Nathan, in a minor way. I hope things turned out well for him, as well as they could. I hope he married someone he likes. I hope he doesn’t feel too constricted in Ohio. I hope he keeps yearning and reaching for something better.

---

After lunch Ben and I went to my apartment and fucked. I yelled at him and told him he needed to throw me around. To throw me down and fuck me. He didn’t believe it, so I slapped him. Then his dick got hard and he grabbed me by the wrists. He took me to the bed and threw me down on it. I was face-first in the sheets. He reached between my legs and I could feel his fingers. He lifted the dress. I closed my eyes. He shuffled off my tights and I could feel his dick between my legs. Later I would find his thin suit pants crumpled at the bottom of the bed. He still had his shoes on. And he went inside me. And I felt him. And I let him do it. And eventually I came, holding the sheet in one hand and letting out a little whimper. He always makes me come. It’s how wide he is. Then he lay on top of me and I could feel his comforting weight.

---

“Are we stupid?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean going to LA. Are we going to make it?”

“We’ll make it.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Lacy, you’re the most talented actor I know.”

“Even Heather?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“She was better than me, wasn’t she.”

“She was better than everyone.”

“Thanks for not sugar-coating that for me.”

“She was, she was the best in the class.”

“Was I second best?”

“You’re not second best to anyone. You’re amazing.”

“Well, you’ll have your job. Right? At the studio. So we’ll be ok for a while.”

“We’ll be fine.”

“I can work if you need me to.”

“I want you to try out for parts. Find auditions. You don’t need to work.”

“You’re wonderful.”

“You’re wonderfuller.”

“No, I mean it Ben. You should listen to me sometimes.”

---

Ben and I picked the wedding dress out together. I didn’t bring my girlfriends. I know it’s against tradition for the groom to see the wedding dress but me and Ben weren’t really much of a bride and groom, more of a couple of buds who decided to get married.

The dress was like a slip, white, with long, vertical flowers sewn into it. No two were alike. You wore it with a bra and panties underneath, which you could see. It was just my style.

And we got some shoes. It was the kind of wedding dress you could store in a small box, so for those many years of carrying it around with you, after your wedding, it didn’t take up much space.

Ben bought the rings by himself. And it was I who proposed to him, by the way. Just asked him at my apartment one morning, while we were lying in bed.

“Do you mean, do I want to marry you, like marry you marry you?”

“Ben, don’t be ignorant.”

“Lacy, yes. I do.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do baby!”

We were kissing and rolling around and stuff.

“Did you know I was going to ask?”

“No.”

“Do you mind that I asked?”

“No! I was going to ask you!”

“You were!”

“Yes, but I didn’t know if you’d think it was too soon!”

“Ben, you should know me by now. Don’t hold back when you have something to say.”

“Yeah, I was holding back, wasn’t I?”

“So you will? You will?”

“Yes, baby. Lacy, I love you. I want to marry you.”

“Good. I love you too, by the way. I want to marry you and be married and maybe someday have children if you want to and I think you’re great, Ben, you’re better than I could have imagined and I hope you think the same about me!”

“Of course I do! Honey, baby, you’re smart, you’ve got your shit together, you’re talented, and I love making love with you.”

“Well you must have the wrong girl ’cause I don’t make love. I fuck.”

“You make love. You make love. Don’t try to tell me that you don’t make love because I know firsthand that you make love.”

“You really think I’m talented.”

“Of course you are, Lacy, Jesus.”

“You really think I’m going to make it?”

“I do.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Lacy, I’ll love you anyway. But you are. You are going to make it.”

“We’re going to get married!”

“I know! I know. I wish I had an engagement ring to give you!”

“Don’t worry about any rings. I mean I want a ring. Just don’t worry about any rings right now. Just hold me and make me believe you love me. Hold me like we’re never going to be apart. You make sense to me, Ben. I always want you around me. I thought about marrying this kid from high school, once, but he was too much of a boy. You’re not. You’re a man. I think that’s part of what I love about you.”

---

The wedding was simple. It was my mom and my step-dad, and Ben’s parents, and Caroline as my maid of honor. Tosh was of course there, and Tiffany came, and a few more girls from school, Amanda and Lauren, and Beth and Paige. And Nathan was there, looking fine. He was always the best dressed.

I made Ben fuck me in the upstairs bathroom before it started. I wanted him to slip it in me, and oh, he did. There’s nothing like a solid fuck before your wedding, getting mashed about by your betrothed in the upstairs bedroom of his parents’ house. I slipped off my panties and stuck my butt out, let him lift up the dress. That’s often how I like to be done by Ben, from the back. It just fits so well, like it was meant to be or something. Do you fuck from the back? You should.

We wrote our own vows. A friend of a friend, this girl Constance, did the wedding. She’s a minister of her own religion. She’s registered to do things like that. Constance has giant dreads and never wears shoes. She brought this giant stick with her, this staff, to do the wedding, and was rocking back and forth like in a dance. Me and Tosha were rocking back and forth too, and Ben did a little.

When we kissed, it was beautiful. Ben has this romantic way of holding me around the small of my back when we kiss sometimes, and he did it for that kiss, and it was lovely. It went well with the dress, in a way. I was thinking of how pretty Tosha looked. All the girls. Ben had brought his friends, too, Evan and Keenan, and Mike. There were birds chirping, all that shit. It was one of those ideal moments, and it wasn’t that hard to create. Just some simple costumes and really simple intentions and a few people to watch. It would have been nice if my dad could have been there but he lives in New Orleans. He’s too busy to come around for events like this. He’s in urban development.

---

During the after party I locked myself in the bathroom.

I was standing with Ben, talking with Edy and Bruce, and we had our arms around each other and they were asking us about the production studio Ben is going to be working at, when I just took my arms out from around my husband and let myself upstairs.

Tosha saw me go up there, which I regretted, because I wanted to have a nice little time by myself, but I went in the bathroom anyway, and I found the mirror.

I looked at myself, from head to ass, which is as far down as I could see, and I thought about how pint-sized I was. Just a pint. Not a quarter gallon. Just a pint. My blond hair, cut to a bob, and my eyelashes that never quite matched. They’re blond, too, but they’re a darker kind of blond and they don’t precisely fit my face. That tiny bit of hair on my upper lip. And I do mean tiny, just fuzz, nothing that needs removal. My perfect tits. My perfect ass. My flat belly, put my hand on it, run it down my front. Tackled those eating problems. Eating healthy now. Nothing like what Tosha deals with. She’s the one with the problem. Grinning. Because you know that isn’t true. Lacy, Lacy, what have you come to? Lacy of Wright State University’s theatre program. Lacy of Dayton, Ohio. You have become a fucking fiend. I mean a fiend for fucking. Almost think you’d want it from some of the girls right now. And Lacy, Lacy. You became married. Something you said you would not do. But Ben is so perfect. He really is. Being married to him isn’t really like being married, it’s more like. Like being married to Ben. Simple Ben. Ben who likes fucking, too. Ben who supports me, who wants to move to LA, too. Ben with a job at a production studio, so he’ll be involved once we get there. Have something to do.

“Lacy?”

“Tosh.”

“Can I come in?”

“I’m washing my face.”

“Dear, I know you’re not washing your face. Can I come in?”

My hands are both on the sink. I look at myself one more time and say, “Sure.”

---

“Are you happy about being with Ben?”

“Yes, yes, of course I am, but, you know, we’re getting older, we’re all getting older, and these are supposed to be the best times of our lives. After this it’s just. Getting older and. Aging and. Not-fucking. And.”

“But you’re fucking now, aren’t you?” Tosha’s sweet voice.

I nod. I’m close to crying but I put my hand on Tosha’s cheek instead.

“You’re so wonderful, you’ve. I’m blabbing. Sorry.”

“Do you want me to go get Caroline?”

“No, Caroline will probably come up here in a minute anyway. I’m gonna see you soon, right?”

“We’re coming out in August, you know that. We talked about it just. A few days ago. Have you forgotten?”

“Tosh, you’re so nice.” And now I had my hand on her hair, which was done, and I was petting her.

“It’s ok, baby, you’re just overwhelmed with your wedding! I’m sure you are. I would be.”

“No,” I’m saying, “That’s not it. That’s not the only thing.”

“Well what is it?”

Then I reached forward and kissed her. I only got her cheek and half her lips, and my fuzz touched her glossy lips and I kissed half of the bottom lip, mostly.

Her face was surprised, but she didn’t pull back.

She said, “Lacy, honey, you know I don’t like girls.”

Then I looked over at the door and Ben was standing there with a boner.

---

“Well what were you doing?”

“Nothing I’m going to tell you about.”

“Well what the fuck Lacy!”

“I was sad!”

“Why were you sad?”

“I just was!”

“We just got married. Is that what you’re sad about?”

“No, of course not.”

“Well what the fuck could be sad today?”

“Can you stop saying ‘what the fuck’.”

“It’s my right.”

“Oh that’s real smart, Ben, it’s your right?”

“What the fuck were you doing kissing Tosha??”

“I wasn’t kissing her.”

“Lacy, you were kissing her.”

“And you had an erection!”

“I can’t help having an erection!”

“Why were you standing there?”

“I came to see if you were ok!”

“Why wouldn’t I be, Ben. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Can you actually tell me why you were kissing her?”

“You didn’t seem to mind.”

“Lacy, what happens with a man’s body. Is.”

“Oh fuck you.”

“I’m not allowed to say ‘what the fuck’ but you can say ‘fuck you’.”

“Did you want to join in or something?”

“Did I what?”

“That was a pretty quick boner you got there.”

“I was standing there watching you.”

“Exactly. Why were you doing that? And why did it give you a boner? Ben, you better get your story straight before you talk to me. I was just talking with Tosha. I don’t know what happened. The same thing might have happened if you were talking to Tosha.”

“Pff.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it. I don’t even know what I was thinking! It wasn’t a kiss kiss. It was just. A kiss. If you want to be mad about it that’s your business.”

“Can you not turn shit around on me?”

“Can we stop arguing now?”

“I don’t believe you’re mad at me for having a boner.”

“You were just as involved in that situation as I was, Ben.”

“It wasn’t even a full boner.”

“What the fuck is a full boner if that wasn’t a full boner.”

“I’ll show you.”

“What?”

“Give me your hand.”

“Jesus!”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get that from talking with me? What the fuck, Ben, are you a psychopath or something. This argument gets you off?”

“Doesn’t get me off.”

“Well don’t come to me.”

“Aww, Lacy, don’t be upset. So you kissed a girl and I got a hard on because of it. So now we can’t have sex?”

“At least you admit your part in this. And I never said we couldn’t have sex. Are you mad at me?”

“I’m a little confused.”

“So am I.”

“Does that mean you like girls now?”

“No. I don’t like girls. I just. Had an urge to kiss one. And she was my friend! Gosh. I don’t think I would have kissed her if she wasn’t my friend.”

“What difference does it make?”

“Because I felt a closeness to her as a friend!”

“Can we fuck now?”

“Only if you’ll shut your mouth.”

“I can do that.”

“Can you? Can you seriously do that for me? Do you have a thing for Tosha? Is that why your dick got hard?”

“I don’t have a thing for Tosha.”

“Do you think she’s hot?”

Too long a pause.

I shake my head. “Ben. Ok, fine. Would you get your dick in me? She is hot. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you if she’s hot. She is hot. Would you get your dick in me?”

---

Ben and I made up easily, like this, in my apartment. It was less than a week till we moved to LA and there was lots to be done. We had rented a trailer, which we were going to pull behind my Subaru. I loved that Subaru. He was black and I called him “puma” because he liked to purr. It was a 5-speed, and it fit my way of driving. Ben preferred not to drive, and he didn’t have a car.

We weren’t really mad at each other. We never used to get mad at each other back then. I think we just surprised each other, me with the kiss and him with the boner. I understand better now what was going on, and it wasn’t that Ben had a thing for Tosha. Ben is very attracted to me. Just in funny ways.

We fucked that night, and we fucked again the next morning. It was right after my period so we were safe.

I didn’t plan to go back to Dayton. Not except to see my mom. I planned to make the jump for good, to make LA my home, to die there. The trailer we rented was big enough to take my couch, a couple of chairs, some kitchen stuff, and Ben’s editing equipment. I had my laptop, a box of papers. We rented the smallest trailer they had.

Our plan was to go across the country on the north side, through Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Idaho, then down through Nevada and into California. I wanted to go that way because I thought it would be cooler in summer, and also because my dad lived in Louisiana, and I wanted to stay as far away from there as possible. Ben was ok with that route.

As for Dayton, what would I miss? The fountains by the river, going to baseball games, Carillon Park, WSU. My best times had been in college, hanging outside the theatre before or after a show, with Caroline, Tiffany, Tosha. That I could never go back to, even if I stayed in town. My mom would be ok. She was showing a new level of adventurousness with James, her new husband. I didn’t have to worry about her anymore. People like Nathan would live here forever, and I couldn’t be friends with them. The people who mattered were going to LA, and I was going with them.

2

Ben and I drove the indicated route, west across the flat states and down through Nevada. It took us three days, and I had to let Ben drive some of the time. It wasn’t even half. I like to drive my car. He read science fiction to me, from a couple Gibson novels, and I had him read some Cosmo, I won’t pretend that I didn’t. We slept in Nebraska the first night, and that was a long day to get us there, almost all the way across the state. I checked the tires when we got out for the night. Everything looked fine. My little car was holding up fine with the trailer. Ben and I ordered pizza in, and the hotel had a pool, which we sat on the side of and splashed our feet in while we ate. We were the only people at the pool.

There’s a kind of magic you feel, alienated from your family like that, with just the person you love. You have them to lean on, and they are all you need. I really love Ben. The way he sits with his feet up on the dashboard, reading me stories from Cosmopolitan. Us taking the quizzes together, to figure out what kind of celebrity lover Ben is, etc. And the look of those highway roads, watching the sun come up under railroad bridges because you left so early it was dark. We ate McDonalds on the way, which I would never do, but it’s convenient when you’re on the road, so I had my Egg McMuffin sandwich and orange juice, and Ben ate both our hash browns. I could feel it like a door had closed behind us, like there was no way we could ever go back, like the only way forward was to LA. This was a trip we had planned for a long time, that we knew we were going to take forever. Even before Ben and I met, we both wanted to go to LA. If you want to work in movies, it’s the only place to go. Ben with his editing and me with my acting, we made sense to go there.

Our driving was almost ’round the clock. We weren’t taking the most direct route. But it was how I wanted to go, so Ben shut his mouth and I was paying for gasoline anyway. Put a lot of gas on my credit card that trip. When Ben drove I slept.

We woke up in Idaho the third day and by the time we got to Nevada the sun was rising. I had never been there and it was beautiful. Canyons stretching out forever, red rock formations. Ben and I stopped the car to look over the side of the highway.

“Do you believe it?”

“No.”

“There’s a whole world out there, like this. With places like this. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“It’s amazing.”

“I want to see more places, I want to travel, you know? I want to go to these places and see them with my own eyes, not in pictures it’s not the same in pictures you can’t feel it, not unless you go.”

Ben put his arms around me, standing behind me, looking out over this valley. Canyon thing. I can’t even explain it.

“Every schoolchild should be required to see this,” I said. “Every schoolchild. You can’t be American if you haven’t seen this. It should be a required field trip. Think of kids who live in New York. They haven’t seen this! They’ve never seen anything like this, some of them. There should be a required field trip that’s a cross-country trip that schoolkids have to take!”

“You’re right.”

“Right?”

“Yeah, it should be. This and the grand canyon and.”

“Have you ever seen the grand canyon?”

“No.”

“Me either.”

“Let’s see the grand canyon.”

“Let’s see the grand canyon. Not this trip. Maybe we should have gone the other way?”

“But then we wouldn’t be standing here looking at this.”

“You’re right. You’re right, baby. You’re so smart.”

“I love you Lacy.”

“I love you too baby. I’m so lucky.”

“I’m lucky too.”

That was our little canyon-jaunt in Nevada. I felt so inspired then, I wanted to just camp out on the edge of that canyon and live there. The settlers must have lived there. It’s just such a reminder that sitting in a classroom isn’t all you can do with your life. I was so clear about that then. And I said I was going to go back there. To remind myself of that feeling. But I haven’t. In the years I’ve lived in LA, I haven’t. Maybe it’s time to go back there soon.

---

Sometimes when I drove we were quiet. Ben would be staring out his side of the window, at some long train track running roughly the same direction as the highway. And I would have my foot on the gas and I’d be thinking about LA, and school, and all the things they’d taught us. I was supposed to get an apartment right away, which Ben and I had already done. We hadn’t seen it, but we’d already rented it, this little house in Sherman Oaks. Done everything with the internet and phone calls, even signed our lease agreement electronically. It was just a six month lease, so if we didn’t like it, we could find something else. At the very least it was going to be a way for us to get set up. Not a permanent commitment. And Ben could ride the bus from there to work. Anyway I did a lot of thinking on our drive. I knew I had to start auditioning right away, and I had the websites to look at for casting calls. I knew I needed to find a gym, and we had already looked at an LA Fitness online, that was near our house. Ben was starting work right away, and he had friends who already worked there, from a previous class at Wright State, so he was pretty much set. He would edit for them, but he had his own filmmaking, and Ben has a tendency to stray from his own work for lack of confidence so I knew I needed to encourage him. I thought about Ben and I, and I knew we were good for each other but I also knew that people break up. It does happen. I could see him sleeping with someone else, but even if he did I didn’t think I would want to divorce him. I would just be sad. And then I think I would get over it, if he stopped. I didn’t want to let him fall behind, professionally. I didn’t want one of us to be successful while the other not. I could see it happening either way. But I was determined to make it happen for myself and I was determined to help him if he needed it.

---

“Ben. Are you working on your film?”

“Whaa?”

“Wake up, I want to talk to you.”

“I am awake.”

“Have you been working on film ideas?”

“Lacy, we’re not even in LA yet.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve got to be ready to make your film. Yes you’ll be set up with your editing. But. Have you talked with those guys? What about some of your old projects from school? Do you think any of those would translate well to something longer?”

“I don’t know. I.”

“You need to be generating ideas.” I was snapping. “Every minute.” Snap. “You’re awake.” Snap. “You’re generating ideas.” Snap.

“I’ll talk with those guys.”

“Call ’em up.”

“Right now?”

“Put ’em on speakerphone. We’ll hash it out.”

“Let’s just invite ’em over when we get to LA.”

“When we get to LA. Listen to us. When we get to LA. It’s this refrain we’ve developed that keeps our lives on hold.”

“But we’re about to get to LA.”

“It’s. Still. The thinking. We can’t be holding off on things like that. Or when we get there. Developing a new one like. When we have this piece of equipment or that piece of equipment. Or. When I get this casting director’s attention or that casting director’s attention. You know?”

“I know, I know. I’ll have those guys over when we get.”

“See?”

“When we get there. In a week. Once we’re set up.”

“See?”

“I’ll have them over in three days. How’s that sound. Then we can do some brainstorming.”

“Just make sure you do it.”

“We will. We’ll come up with some good ideas. You can sit in.”

“I don’t want to sit in. I want you to be on top of it.”

“I am. And I want you to sit in. I value your opinion.”

“Well I’ll sit in then. Just make it happen.”

---

When we started getting into LA things were different. What was green hilly land right above it in California turned into kind of an endless suburb. Gas stations. Housing developments. Minigolf courses. It went on forever. These neighborhoods that looked like the people never left them. A Home Depot for the housing materials. A bunch of houses for people to live in. Fast food places for them to eat. And everyone who lived there worked at either the Home Depot or the fast food places. Like some kind of inbred microcosm of a city.

Then it got worse. It wasn’t nice houses anymore. There was no more minigolf. It was rail tracks and factories with flaming spires and smokestacks, used car lots and Super 8 motels. There were train tracks in the middle of the highway. The sky was dark and you couldn’t see the buildings of LA at all. I kept waiting to see them but they never came.

Ben offered to drive.

“No, that’s. I’m ok.”

“Ok, baby, let me know if you change your mind.”

“I might in a minute. Did you see what that guy just did?”

“Yeah.”

“Learn how to change lanes you asshole!”

I hit the steering wheel.

Ben is looking at me for yelling. That’s not normally something I would do.

“Don’t. Say anything. If I need you to drive I’ll let you know.”

Ben says über-timidly, “If I can do anything.”

“I’ll let you know,” I say, and I lay on the horn.

---

“So what is this. The 110?”

“There’s that and there’s the 101.”

“Should I take this?”

“I think you should take the 10.”

“Why?”

“If we’re going to the ocean. Do you still want to do that?”

“Kind of.”

“Then take the 10.”

“How do I get there?”

“I don’t know!”

“Don’t yell! Why are you yelling?!”

“Because. You’re making me nervous.”

“With this?” I swerve the car into the next lane.

“Yes!”

“Well there’s no way to change lanes around here without doing that. Look at these people, they’re savages!”

I’m laughing, honking. Ben doesn’t see the humor.

“Take the 101 to the 110, and then. No. Take the 101 to the 10. Where are you going?”

“I’m going this way. What? It seemed right!”

“I think we’re going to Pasadena now.”

“Is there ocean in Pasadena?”

“No.”

“Lighten up, Ben. Fuck. Are we really going to Pasadena now.”

“I don’t know. I can’t see the sign because of this truck. I’ll let you know as soon as he gets out of the way.”

“We can always turn around, Ben, relax. This is our big entrance into LA.”

“Yeah, I’m digging it,” he said.

And then the buildings were there. Covered in smog, you could barely see them, but they were there, and they were huge, this round white one beating them all, and we were going down this curve in the road toward LA.

“No wait. Wait. You know what?”

“What?”

“We’re not headed to Pasadena.”

I put my hand on Ben’s, and he stopped looking at his iPhone and looked at me, and I took my eyes off the road for a second and looked at him.

---

We went to the ocean first. Once I got on the 10 I just kept going. Ben didn’t care, and I had some extra graduation money from my mom which we used to pay for a motel in Santa Monica for a few days. We kept the U-Haul hitched to the back and everything. I got off on Santa Monica Boulevard and drove straight to the ocean. This is part of what I had been looking forward to. Living next to the ocean. Santa Monica Boulevard ends right at the ocean, just stops, and you can only go left or right. Once I got to that intersection I felt I had gotten to LA.

The whole time we stayed in that motel I never called anyone. Not my mom. Definitely not my dad. Not Caroline, not anyone. Ben and I watched local news on TV and learned more about the city we were now living in. There was a major train wreck on some of the passenger rail lines like the day we got there. We made fun of the news, because it was so bad. Local man died in his basement today where he was mauled by feral cats. Teenagers at a southland high school mutilated their teacher’s eyebrow skin, feasting on it in the cafeteria. It was stuff like that. Except in reality it was worse, because it was really stuff like. Eight year old tried as an adult in the cannibalistic killing of her mother. Lungs found on sidewalk in south Los Angeles. Stuff like that.

These three days, Ben and I just drank wine, fucked, and went out to eat. I had my own routine. In the mornings I would go to this coffeehouse a block away and drink juice and read the magazines. Ben would jog on the street. During the day we’d just laze around and at night we went out to the beach.

“What is this?”

(This is us at one of the trinket stores on Santa Monica.)

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like. Exactly what it is. It’s a back massager.”

Ben had this back massager tool in his hand. It was non-electric, with a ball on one end you were supposed to rub around on the person’s skin.

“What? It’s a back massager.”

“Look,” I said. I took the thing in my hand. “If you turn it around this way, then it’s.”

I was waiting for Ben to see if he saw it.

“No. You don’t think it’s.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“No it’s not.”

“It is.” I nod. I smile. I’m holding it in front of Ben’s face. It’s this tube with the ball stuck to one end, but the other end is pointed, curvy, like a nipple, and the middle part is covered with giant molded ribs. I slide the thing from side to side.

“You think that’s.”

“I think it’s meant to be. I think it could be. I think when little girls and moms look at this they’re supposed to be buying it for one reason, but they’re really buying it for another reason. They say they’re buying it as a back massager. But they’re really buying it for.”

“To fuck themselves.”

I nod, and grab Ben’s leg.

“It doesn’t even vibrate.”

“It doesn’t have to. See those ribs?”

“Do you want to get this?”

“I didn’t say I wanted to get it.”

“Do you want me to fuck you with this?”

“No!”

I almost slap him, for fun, for play, but we buy a bottle of wine instead.

---

“Ben, I have something serious to ask you.”

“Well it’s not do you want to get married.”

“I’m serious. Shut up.”

“Ok.”

“Listen to me. This involves you. It would be mine. Or it could be yours. It could be ours. But. It would mean a lot of work. And I know we’re busy. We’re going to be busy.”

“Would you just spit it out.”

“Would you stop interrupting me? Please.” I got serious on him all the sudden there.

“I won’t interrupt you. I wasn’t interrupting you.”

“I said ‘shut up’ you said ‘ok’.”

“That was just conversation!”

“You did it again! I wasn’t done talking.”

Ben is silent.

“Anyway it’s no big deal.”

Ben stays silent.

“Anyway. I don’t even know if I want to talk about it anymore.”

Ben waits a long time and then says, “Is it my turn to talk now?”

I nod.

“I don’t mean to interrupt you. I’m just interested in what you’re saying and I’m trying to prompt you forward.”

“You’re trying to prompt me?”

“I wasn’t done speaking.”

“Ugh. Go ahead.”

“I’m very interested in what you’re saying. Why don’t you go ahead.”

“Well it’s ruined now.”

“How is it ruined?”

“Everything’s gotten too serious.”

“We can un-serious it.”

I laugh. “Ok. Good. Cause it’s not that serious.”

“I thought you said, earlier, that it was serious.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I thought.”

“I said it required responsibility. Which you and I lack.”

“We don’t completely lack responsibility.”

“Where are we responsible?”

“We moved to LA!”

“We moved to Santa Monica, to a motel, which isn’t even our apartment. We didn’t even make it to our house!!”

“Can you pass me that wine bottle?”

I frown. This is exactly the thing I’m talking about.

Ben says, “I’m kidding!”

I shake my head.

Then he says, “Could you pass it to me.”

“Here, you asshole, drink some more wine!”

“I will!”

“Our whole trip to LA has come to this. This is why we moved across the country, so you could post up in this shitty hotel and drink forty-dollar bottles of pino grigio.”

“Hey! This hotel’s not shitty!”

“Ben. Yes it is.”

“That’s not pinot grigio either! Grigio means gray.”

“No it’s not you’re making that up.”

“Ok. I have no idea what grigio means, but it sounds like it means gray.”

I pick my sweater up from the bed. “I’m going out.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me what you were going to tell me?”

“Ben. I don’t want to tell it to a drunk. Unemployed. Filmmaker wannabe.”

“I’m employed!”

“Not as a filmmaker.”

“Editing is filmmaking.”

“Not the kind of filmmaking you want to do.” I shout, “I’ll be back within the hour!”

“Tell me what it is, ok?”

“I want to buy a dog ok!”

“That’s it?”

“Yes. What do you mean ‘that’s it.’”

“I mean why are we fighting about this?”

“Are we fighting?”

“I thought so. There at the end. Lacy, you want a dog?”

I nod, like one.

“I want a dog.”

“You do?”

“Yes!”

“Oh, Ben. This is perfect.”

“I agree.”

“Make love to me.”

“Ok.”

“No. Fuck me. Fuck me nasty-style.”

“Ok.”

“No. Let’s walk on the beach first.”

“Ok.”

“I want this to be perfect.”

In the end, I had him fuck me little-girl-style, which is where he pushes my legs together and fucks me tight between it. I like little-girl-style because it feels so naughty, like I’m in elementary school and I’m getting fucked. I think Ben likes it for the same reason.

---

At the house I got weird. No, I admit it. I did.

“Ben, bring me a latte.”

I was sitting in the middle of our boxes.

“You want a latte?”

“I want you to bring me a latte, yes. Look at this bug.”

There was a long rolly-polly looking thing on my finger, like a cross between a millipede and a rolly-polly. He had come from the carpet (before that I couldn’t see) and he had come up my leg, and that’s where I discovered him. I had been sending him from finger to finger ever since. When Ben came in the living room I licked him. The bug. I’m not sure if I did it for Ben’s entertainment or if I would have done it anyway. I felt like someone was watching me, or I felt like I was watching myself.

“Would you get me a soy chai latte?”

“I’ll get you whatever you want, but what is that?”

“This is my bug.”

Ben just stared.

“His name is Harold.”

“Uh huh.”

Then I flicked the bug, and he hit the wall.

“We have bugs.”

Ben kicked at a box, which I wished contained a cappuccino machine.

“There was that one and. I saw another one.”

“Did you kiss the first one?”

“I thought about it.”

“But you didn’t do it?”

“No, I didn’t complete. Did you get me that soy chai latte?”

“Not yet.”

“Are you going to?”

“I kinda don’t want to leave you here by yourself.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“Great.”

Ben was putting on his shoes and I ran to the wall to find Harold, kneeling by the baseboard, picking through the carpet.

---

We got him his own special cup at Starbucks. I wanted to find something local but Ben insisted Starbucks was the best and I didn’t feel like arguing. I let him drive this time as I was a little distracted. I screamed out the window on the way there, things like “Oh heavenly LA” and “LA I am in you now!” Ben smiled, we got my soy chai latte and we went back to the house. On the way back I screamed things like “Oh, LA, I am fucking you with my Ohio cunt LA” and “LA you better lie back and take it from this Ohio clit I am here to take you over!” People looked, but the road was big enough that no one heard what I was saying.

I was here to take over. We were going to get our apartment set up, that perfect little house, and I was going to be in films. I would find my way into them. I was especially hot, I had talent, I was good with people things. Ben wasn’t as much with the people but he was a guy, and he was an auteur, or would be. I was. I could be. The starlet. I could play the ingenue. There were plenty of little indie films that needed me. Caroline could be good. Tosh was ok. But I could do this, I could take this over.

“LA, your loveliness and candor rock me into a simple lullaby of sleepyness spelled with a Y, sky sex LA, sky sex!!” I saw myself having sex in the sky with angels of fluffyness (with a Y). When we got home I wanted Ben to rub me with a feather on my skin until I floated away. I had to settle for a mattress with no sheets on it and the edge of one of my shawls.

“I’m going to sing you a song of fluffiness, Ben. It’s going to be a song of dulcimers and doesn’t douce mean soft it’s going to be our song, our LA song, and people are going to sing it one day, we will be free, and we’ll have our rich place in the Hollywood hills where we’ll be protected and throw parties for all our friends. All our old friends and all our new friends will be there and I will be dressed in white, even whiter than our wedding dress and we’ll be famous, you for your film and me for acting in your film, and then you’ll do other films and I’ll do other films Ben oooh that feels good will you continue doing that on my leg continuing to sleep and continuing to take me with you on this journey to white cotton. Do you see the white cotton? I think I see it now.”

That was how I fell asleep, that night, with Ben rubbing my leg with soft things and my latte forgotten on the floor next to our mattress. Craziness doesn’t happen slowly. Mine came on in high school, the first time, even though I had always been crazy since I was a child.

---

Well, we needed a gun. We weren’t letting Joey’s story happen to us. Some guy gets pissed at you and stabs you in the neck at Burger King? Fuck that.

“What type of gun do you want?”

“Well, I’ve given this some thought.”

“Have you.”

“I want a Glock.”

“You want a nine millimeter.”

“Glock has other sizes.”

Ben looks at me.

“I’ve been on their website.”

“Well let’s go to the store. Did you find a store?”

I had found a store. I had found several. But I found one who said they specialize in Glock, on their website, so we went to that one. I had done all kinds of research on what gun I wanted, picked it out all the way to the model, online. The G26 Gen4 in 9x19. The “Baby Glock.” Perfect for me. Some guy tries to stab me in the neck at Burger King, I’ll kill the motherfucker. We’d need a concealed carry permit, but I’d done the research on that, too. I had no history of felonies, no history of mental illness. If I wanted to carry a gun, I could, and Ben and I both thought it was necessary, in this city. Some guy comes up and tries to rape me? Blam. Kill the motherfucker.

---

“So this is the one you want?”

“Mmm hmm. I’ve already decided.”

“It’s a good choice. You have your ID with you?”

I passed it to him over the table.

“What do you think about that safety class?”

“I’ll take it.”

I looked at Ben. He nodded at the guy.

“Ok.”

The guy took my ID and went behind the counter. We had my baby set on the counter, the box open. She was lying there.

“Some guy at Burger King? Blam.”

“But you don’t have to shoot him in the head.” That was Ben.

“Some guy tries to rape me, though, you better believe it’s going to be in the head.”

“It’s not necessary to kill him you just have to disable him.”

“I know, Ben! I know! I’m not going to kill anyone. I’ll probably never use it! I’m just saying, though, look at her. She’s cute.”

“She is cute.”

“But she’s deadly,” I say. “Are you having second thoughts? Do you think I shouldn’t have it?”

“No,” Ben said, “I think you should have it.”

---

At home we played with it. Without the ammunition of course. I held it and pretended I was a cop. Then I put Ben against the wall and interrogated him. I pressed the gun into his armpits, his back, his belly. I asked him private questions, the kind of questions no one knows the answer to.

“Do you have a thing for her? Do you?? If I find out you have a thing for her I’m going to shoot you in the belly, Ben, I’m going to shoot you right in your fat belly.”

“It’s not fat.”

“It’s a belly, though, it’s an undeniable belly.”

“Do you dislike my belly?”

“No, baby, I love your belly. Now tell me. Do you have a thing for her?”

“For Tosha? No!”

“Then why did you get a hard on?” I press the gun into his hip and almost squeeze the trigger. “Why did you get one? Are you some kind of Natasha pervert, you think about her at night and shit, you think about her when we’re fucking, Ben, do you? Naughty boy.”

I slap his ass with the side of the gun.

He promises he doesn’t think about her when we’re fucking.

I take the gun and point it at his neck and tell him I don’t believe him. I’m this close to pulling the trigger.

“Do you have fantasies where you rape her? Do you have fantasies where you rape me? Do you want us both together? Did you like it that much to see us kissing? I bet you wanted me to kiss her more. Do you? Do you!! You’re a nasty pervert Ben. You need a spanking. Take your pants off. Go ahead. I knew you wanted to rape me when you met me. You’re a total shithead. I’ve known shitheads like you, you shithead rapist pervert motherfucker. Take your pants off. Get ’em all the way down.”

I press the gun into his dick, through his underwear. His dick is already getting hard.

“You are the nastiest piece of shit rapist to ever walk this town. Those two little girls. Those two little girls you raped. Think of their mother. Think of that, you sicko. You need to be punished, Ben. You need to have your dick punished. Who’s powerful now? Who needs it now? Who’s in the position of ill-repute. I’m gonna take this gun and stick it up your ass. Have you ever had a little girl stick a gun up your ass before? Have you? I’m going to open you, wide, and you’re going to take this gun. Take it inside you. Do you ever think about how it makes me feel to be put open by you? By your dick. I don’t think you’ve ever had a dick punishment like the one I’m about to give you. I’m going to tease your cock and then suck your cock and then instead of letting you fuck me I’m going to punish your cock with my baby. You’re a sick fuck, Ben, what you do. We’re all just your victims.”

I put the gun to his head and with my other hand grabbed his cock. I was talking in his ear. “I’m going to lie you back, now, Ben. I’m going to fuck you rodeo-style and you’re going to lie there and take it. You can cum whenever you want but you stay hard. Don’t let me find your dick get soft or else I’m going to punish you again with my baby until you get as hard as this.”

I thump his cock against the wall.

“Now lie down.”

---

“Baby?”

“What.”

“This is probably a bad time to ask you this, but have you called Natasha recently. I mean, since you’ve been here?”

“Are you worried about us, like, the kissing thing?”

“No, I just wondered. Like. Any of those girls. When’s the last time you called Caroline? Because. I just haven’t seen you call any of them recently. And I know they’re your best friends.”

“You’re my best friend.”

“But girl friends.”

“Why do they have to be girls? You really are my best friend.”

“I’m glad Lacy, but.”

“No, I guess it has been a while. I don’t know. I didn’t mean not to call them, I guess. We’ve just been busy. Unpacking. And. I mean I’ll call them. Soon. I will. Why?”

“’Cause like the other day, with Harold.”

“Oh, Harold. Is that what this is about?”

“You just seem lonely. Or. I don’t know. I just wanted to see if you’d called Caroline or anyone lately.”

“No, you’re right, Ben. I have been lonely. No offense. But I don’t want to call anyone. I don’t want to call those girls. Even Caroline. I love her, but. When she moves here I’ll see her every day. I just wanted to spend some time with you, you know? Now that we’re married.”

Ben looks at me.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Don’t be getting all. Inner. In.”

“I won’t.”

“Insular. I think. I’m not trying to tell you what to do but I think you should call Caroline tomorrow.”

“I always think of it too late. With the time difference. By the time I think about it, it’s too late. I will call though. And I’ll keep. Harold. At bay. I need to start jogging. I’m going to LA Fitness tomorrow.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I will. You want to come? Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. I’m going either way.”

“I’m going to stay and work on the house.”

“Ok. But yeah. I’m going. I’ll go tomorrow.”

“And call Caroline.”

“Yeah. Jesus you’re a slave driver. Yeah. I’ll call.”

---

“Caroline?”

“Lacy! What are you doing?”

“I’m driving to the gym.”

“You got a gym membership already! Where did you get it?”

“LA Fitness.”

“That’s great cause I was hearing about LA Fitness but there’s also 24 Hour Fitness and I didn’t know which was better so you think LA Fitness is the one, huh?”

“I haven’t even been there so I don’t know! What are you doing?”

“Oh, nothing. I’m at home.”

“Like home home?”

“Yeah. Some of my old stuff is here and my mom wants me to move it. There’s like stuff in the attic she wants to get rid of and I’m like ‘Mom!’ but she says she doesn’t want to keep it anymore. So how’s Ben?”

“Ben’s fine we bought a Glock.”

“No way!”

“Yes, girl, you know it. It’s called a Baby Glock and it’s just right for me.”

“That’s awesome! I’m going to get one. Totally.”

“You should get the same one as me ’cause it’s the best.”

“Ok! So what are you doing at the gym?”

“Run.”

“Treadmill?”

“Of course. When you get out here you’ve got to come with me.”

“I will! Tiffany’s not coming.”

“What?! No. You are lying to me.”

“She says she’s not coming. What am I supposed to do?”

“Why is she not coming?”

“She says she’ll come out in six months.”

“What’s six months gonna do?”

“Exactly! I need to find a roommate. I can’t wait six months.”

“You better not wait six months. I need you out here. Ben says I’m getting insular. I need you, girl.”

“Well don’t worry. I’ll twist Tiffany’s arm. I’ll force her to come out, I will. Scaredy cat. She needs to get a Glock too, then she’ll be fine. What did you call it again?”

“It’s called a ‘Baby Glock.’”

“Aww!”

“It’s real cute, you’d like it.”

“You have to show me.”

“Of course! Look. Here’s what you do. You get on Craigslist, you find yourself a house with roommates. You come out here. Tiffy can come later if she wants. You two can get a place together then.”

“I know.”

“Don’t let her hold you back.”

“I know. Wait, how’s your place? Does it look good?”

“I love it!”

“Oh!! It doesn’t have rats or anything?”

“No. The place is super! We lucked out, man!”

“Oh!! So. Good. I’m so. Happy for you. Well, look, I’ve got to go, I’ve got to clean this stuff out of my mom’s house before she kills me.”

“Ok. Good luck with that.”

“Have fun at the gym!”

“You know it. Ok. Bye!”

“Bye!”

---

“Ben, this is a permanent decision.”

“I know!”

“We’re going to have to take care of it. Pet it. Walk it. You’re going to have to clean its shit up out of the yard.”

“I know.”

“And you still want to do it?”

“How are you the one who’s having second thoughts about this now? You’re the one who wanted her!”

“You said you wanted her too. Were you serious about that, or were you just saying you wanted her because I wanted her and you wanted to make me happy?”

“Look, Lacy, I love this little girl.”

Ben was petting our future dog, who we had called about on the internet. The posting said they had teacup chihuahuas, and they did. We picked out the cutest one, and were now kneeling in the driveway of some breeder family from east LA. The dog jumped up on Ben’s legs, and Ben picked her up the rest of the way. She licked Ben’s ears. Ben was smiling. I put my face in the mess and it was me, Ben, and little unnamed puppy, who looked like a cow, with her brown spots on white fur. The puppy licked my ear. Hot tongue. Ben laughed.

There was a pen of other dogs, all from the same litter. I looked over them to make sure we had picked the cutest (we had). Then we paid $500 and that’s how we bought our dog.

---

Caroline was out in less than two weeks. She found a room on Craigslist, like I told her too, and it was in Valley Village, not far from us. We had her over to celebrate.

“And who’s your little guy?”

Me and Ben just looked at each other.

“You mean you haven’t named him yet?”

“We need help.”

“We keep arguing about it.”

“We’re not arguing! We can’t decide.”

“Well is it a boy or a girl?”

“She’s a girl,” I say, and Caroline is picking her up. She gets her ear licked. “Do you have any ideas for names?”

“What about Gabby? I had a dog named Gabby. We did growing up.”

Ben says, “I like Max.”

“You can’t name a girl dog Max!”

“Why not?”

“I like Lacy II or something like that. Lacy Lacy. Lacy times two.”

“Lacy Squared.”

“Wait. Whose dog is it?”

“It’s both of ours.”

“But it’s mostly hers.”

We all laugh.

“Name her like Beverly Hills Princess or something. Oh. She’s so cute.”

“Isn’t she?”

“What happened to Tiffany?”

“Oh, she bailed. She bailed big time.”

“Come sit down. Do you want some wine?”

“Would I.”

“Have a seat with us and tell us your story.”

“Lacy II. Get down. Get off her. Sorry if she licks your ear.”

“Yeah, she loves licking ears.”

“She’s a fiend for ears!”

“So. Tiffany.”

“Yes. Tell us.”

“Tiffany. She starts talking about money. She’s telling me about her bank account. She wants to move to LA. But she’s got to have fifteen thousand dollars before she moves here. She’s telling me this. She will not move unless she has fifteen thousand dollars and.”

“How much does she have?”

“Don’t interrupt her.”

“I’m sorry I. Is red ok?”

“Red’s fine. She has ten-thousand dollars.”

Ben and I look at each other.

“What? You guys aren’t like thinking I’m crazy or something.”

“We moved here with half that,” I tell her.

“See?” Caroline says. “That’s reasonable. Tiffany won’t budge. Without fifteen grand. I told her I’m out of here. I moved here with two,” she says, taking a big gulp of wine.

“And you’ll be alright.”

“I hope so,” she says.

“You will.”

“Well maybe I will and maybe I won’t. But I wasn’t staying around there any longer. I’ve been wanting to be out here since I was four. I know Tiffany has too. You know what she started saying? She was saying we could move to Phoenix for less. I was like. Phoenix? What does Phoenix have to do with anything? I’m like.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. She’s all, Phoenix. And I’m like, is the movie biz in Phoenix? ’Cause last I checked that’s why I went to four years of acting school so that I could move to LA, bitches!! Los-Freakin-Angeles. This is good wine.”

“You want to get pizza?”

“Yeah me and Ben haven’t been cooking.”

“Actually there’s this Greek place down the street we get these falafel wraps.”

“Oh yeah. You’ll love it.”

“Ok, you don’t mind if I hang out?”

“Shut. Up! We’re hanging out. This is what we’re going to do while we’re all out here. Call up Tiffany. Get her on the phone.”

“Are you serious?”

“No but seriously, fifteen thousand?”

“I know, right, it’s sick. Maybe name her Tiffany. Or Tiffany II. What do you think about that?”

“She doesn’t look like a Tiffany. Come ’ere girl. Do you want to be a Tiffany?”

Ben is sitting with us now.

“Name her Maverick.”

---

“So I heard you kissed Tosh.”

This is me and Caroline, alone, after falafel, while Ben walks the dog.

“And how did you hear that?”

“Tosha told me.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said you kissed her, in the bathroom, at your wedding.”

Caroline smiles. She’s waiting. She’s waiting for me to say something.

“Did you kiss her, dear? You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. I’m sorry to bombard you but I just wondered. If. That was something you would do?”

She’s got her head low, looking into my eyes, and I guess I’m avoiding her.

“Lacy, it’s ok. I didn’t mean to hit you like that. Ok? Forget I said anything.”

“I kissed her. Yeah. I kissed her. It was just a tiny kiss. I don’t know why she’s telling you about it.”

“I think you startled her.”

“Is that what she said?”

“That is what she said. She didn’t know it was coming.”

“Well I’m sorry if I startled her.”

“Why did you kiss her?”

“I was just. Playing around. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal.”

“It’s a big deal. Because you did it at your wedding.”

“Ben and I have talked about this.”

“I’m sure you have.”

“Ben was not exactly uninvolved in that situation, for your information.”

Caroline just looks at me.

“I mean Ben. He. Well. What else did Tosha say?”

“That’s all.”

“Well what do you want to know about it?”

“Nothing. I. Just want to know if you’re a lesbian, I guess.”

Caroline has the sweetest look on her face.

“You want to know if I’m a lesbian.”

“Yes.”

“Well I’m not. I’m with Ben. I was just playing around in the bathroom with Tosha. I didn’t mean anything by it and I’m sorry it’s got so misconstrued by everyone to mean that I’m a lesbian.”

I laugh.

“Have you kissed other girls?”

“No!”

“It’s a fair question.”

“Well I haven’t.”

“Ok. Well thanks for talking with me about this. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

I almost said something back to that but I decided to let it go.

---

“How about Gandalf?”

“Ben, shut up. Name her Dandy.”

“Dandy is pretty good. What about Dandelion?”

“That’s what I was trying for with Dandy. Do we have another bottle?”

“We. I think. Yeah. Want me to open it?”

I nod.

“What about Ella?”

“That’s a good name for a dog. Ella. Ella.”

“You could name her Priscilla.”

“Ben, stop coming up with retarded ones.”

“I didn’t mean that one to be retarded.”

“Well. It is.”

“How about Angel?”

“How about Muffin?”

“How about Graceful? Graceful Pup.”

“Ben, shut. Up!”

“How about Licky-Face Pup.”

“Ben!”

“I’ll get the wine.”

“Thank you.”

“Ella was pretty good. I want something like that. Like baby girl.”

“I get you. What about something like Pink or. Not that, but. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I see where you’re going. Like Posh or Candy or something.”

“Yeah, like Cotton Candy. Is that too girl-ish?”

“Yes,” says Ben from the kitchen.

“Just ignore him.”

“I was.”

“Ok. What about Aspen. Or Kagen.”

“Those are good.”

“What was the one you mentioned earlier? The one you had as a kid.”

“Gabby.”

“I like that but it’s not quite right.”

“Did you like Kagen?”

“I like it alright.”

“How about. Oh! Oh! This is good. Name her after a moviestar!”

“Ok, but a boy. Johnny, like Johnny Depp.”

“Just call her Depp.”

“Exactly! Depp. Or like DeNiro.”

“Yes!”

“Baby! Our dog’s going to be named DeNiro what do you think?”

“I have no opinion on such matters.”

“Good.”

“DeNiro is pretty good.”

“DeNiro is good. But look. She doesn’t look like a DeNiro.”

“What does she look like?”

“She looks like a princess.”

“She looks like a cow.”

“We thought that too!”

“Cow. Calf. I don’t know, Lacy.”

“I don’t know either. I liked Gabby.”

Ben comes back with the wine.

“Call her Gabby Gabby,” he says.

And do you believe that’s what stuck.

---

I took her with me everywhere. She was my best companion. That little dog has saved my life a thousand times, and we’ve been through our times. I’ve been away from her for longer than I would have liked, but she’s still been there for me. And she is the cutest dog in the world. I’m serious. People have offered to buy this dog on the spot, from me, just because she’s that cute. Paris Hilton has a teacup chihuahua but mine is cuter. Gabby Gabby may not be the cutest dog on the planet, but she’s the cutest dog I’ve ever seen. And Ben would say the same. I’m not exaggerating just because I love her and just because she happens to be my pet, she really is that cute. She looks like a little baby cow. She licks faces. She especially licks ears. And she always comes back to me. She drives with me, sitting on my lap, or sometimes in the seat next to me. She never barks. Only when we leave her at home by herself and she’s getting better at that. The neighbors can’t hear her anyway. She wasn’t that difficult to toilet train. We just bought these little papers that she’s supposed to go on, and I hear most dogs don’t like them but she liked them just fine. Gabby Gabby turned out to be a good name for her because it sounds like her bark, this little garbled bubbling barky-bark she does.

---

“Come on Gabby Gabby. Come on.”

Gabby Gabby jumps down from my Subaru.

“We’ve got a little shopping trip to take. Come with mommy.”

I pick her up and carry her with me to the shop we’re going to, which is called Rainbow Fantasy. I open the door and walk past the desk, where the guy is scoping out my dog, but he doesn’t say anything. I look over at him and he looks down, into the magazine he’s looking at.

“Am I allowed to have my dog in here?”

He looks up.

“Well, not usually, but. It’s ok.” He waves at Gabby Gabby, a little hand wave.

“Say hi Gabby Gabby. Make a new friend. Good girl.”

“She’s a cute dog.”

“Thank you. She’s going to help me shop today.”

“Are you looking for anything in particular?”

“I’m looking for a dildo.”

“Anything in particular?”

“I don’t know, do I? Just shopping around.”

“Well they’re. Right there. See ’em?”

“Thank you! Come on, Gabby Gabby, mommy’s going to buy a dildo, do you know what that means? We’re going to find a nice. Who knows. Something fun for me.”

I walk over to the shelves. Top shelf is a smattering of all the types of toys. Next shelf down is specializing in what I’m looking for. Long ones. Wide ones. Ribbed ones, like the back massager Ben and I saw in Santa Monica. Ones with rotating and vibrating clit stimulators, beads and prongs. And ones with nubs sticking out all over them. Tiny pocket ones, like my Baby Glock, meant to hide away and use just when you need them. I thought about using one in the bathroom while I was out to dinner. Sneaking away from the table and using it for a quick release. Coming back to the table minutes later, refreshed.

“Finding everything alright?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Let me know if I can help you find anything.”

“I will.” And then under my breath, “This all looks fine. Doesn’t it GG. Do you want me to get you a little puppy-style vibrator? Do you have puppy-style vibrators?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you have something for my dog.”

“I.”

“I’m kidding.”

The guy went back to reading his magazine.

“I’m gonna get us something nice. GG. Little puppy. Yeah. Something we can play with when papa’s gone. Something fun that gets us off. Yeah. We just want a little girl toy for ourselves, something in white. Mommy likes this white one over here, don’t we? Shhh. Maybe we’ll get Mr. Counter Guy to show us this one, and we can see if mommy thinks it fits.

“Excuse me.”

“Yes?”

“Can you show me this little white one?”

---

Gabby Gabby used to watch while we were fucking, too. She would bark when it came to the rough parts. You know, if we had the gun out and were attacking each other or something. I think she liked it. She would just stand there on the edge of the bed and watch. Ben liked to kick her out but I liked to let her stay. She was nice. I didn’t care if she watched.

Ben would be like, “Can you get that dog out of here?”

“Call her Gabby Gabby. That’s her name.”

“Can we please not have her in here this time?”

“What difference does it make? She’s not barking.”

She was very good at not barking when we were at the smooth parts. She could feel our energy. When we were quiet she was quiet, when we got loud she got loud. I personally liked having her in there but that apparently is just me. I would lie on the bed with Ben on top of me and reach out and touch Gabby Gabby’s ears. She was soft. I mean it was nice.

“I’m not having sex with that dog in the room.”

“Ok, fine! Gabby Gabby. Out.”

“Now what are you doing?”

“I’m checking my pills.”

“Now?”

“Oh, Ben.”

“What.”

“I missed one. What day is today?”

“It’s Thursday.”

“What day of the month?”

“The twenty-second.”

“I missed a pill.”

“Well.”

“We can’t have sex.”

Ben is lying on the bed looking at me.

“I’m sorry but it’s too dangerous.”

“You missed one day?”

“Yep. I missed yesterday.”

Ben lies there tense. I imagine him thinking of all sorts of protests, beginning to say all sorts of things that would start an argument. But he doesn’t. He puts his hands on his head. His fists are clenched. He gets up and walks out of the room. Gabby Gabby walks back in.

“Sorry, girl, but we can’t. We have to be safe. Mommy and daddy can’t be having a baby that gets in the way of our careers. We don’t want to have babies. Babies are bad. You’re our only baby, right Gabby Gabby? You’re all the baby we need right now.”

---

Ben reminded me that one of the things on my list was to get a new psychiatrist. I had seen one in Ohio since I was a kid. Been in counseling my whole life. Knew I had to get one when I came here but my medication hadn’t run out and I didn’t like the thought of having to see someone new. But with Ben starting work, and me being home alone now certain days, it seemed like a good idea to go ahead and hook up with someone. We looked up a million on the internet. I didn’t know how to choose. We were going down this massive list and we got to the Gs when there was one named Dr. Giggle. I liked the name (it made me laugh) so I called him.

Dr. Giggle’s office is in a motel in Hollywood. It’s north on Cahuenga, just above Hollywood Boulevard, and it’s the kind of place with no pool, a couple of stories of rooms, and about four cars in the parking lot. The first time I went I thought I was in the wrong place. The address was correct, but it was a motel. There’s no sign that says, “Dr. Giggle, Psychiatry” or anything like that. It just says, “The Best Inn” and has pink neon lights making a border around that. I’m in my car with Gabby Gabby and I’m like looking around thinking, “Where is it?” I checked the address on my phone. It says this is the address. Well, I might as well get out.

So I get out of my Subaru, take Gabby Gabby in my arms, and start looking at the room numbers. Dr. Giggle’s address does say Suite ##14 on it. Maybe that’s room ##14? I take Gabby Gabby up the stairs. There’s a man on a lawn chair, fat belly, reclining in front of his door, which is door ##12. I have to step over his legs to get past him. He smiles.

“Is Dr. Giggle this way?”

He answers in a Latino accent. “Dr. Giggle, yes.”

“Thank you.”

He tips the hat that’s mostly covering his face.

“Is that your dog?”

“Yes. Say hi Gabby Gabby.”

I wave her paw with my hand.

“My nieces have a chihuahua. Yours is nicer.”

“Thank you. We like her. Say goodbye Gabby Gabby. Bye bye.”

The man puts his hat back over his face and I go to ##14.

I knock.

There is no marking other than the hotel door number. The door is scratched, key marks and Bic pen all over the thing. Half a phone number is scrawled near the spy glass.

I knock again.

I wait at least a minute and no one comes.

It’s hot. Hollywood traffic is driving by downstairs.

“Are you sure this is Dr. Giggle?”

“Dr. Giggle, yes. You just go in.”

“Ok.”

“You just go in.”

Ok. I almost knock again but I just grab the door handle. I turn. I push the door. It’s unlocked. I turn back to my friend in the lawn chair but he’s dozing again.

“Dr. Giggle?”

I push the door open wider.

“Hello?”

I go in. I can see the edge of a bed. Papers all over the floor. The bathroom door is open and a blue light comes out of there. It’s the tiles. I go in a little further and see a man’s shoe, an ankle, on the bed.

“Dr. Giggle?” It comes out as a whisper.

Gabby Gabby barks. I’m wondering if I’m about to see a dead body. She barks again and the foot starts, pulls back.

“Hello?” That’s Dr. Giggle.

“Hi.” I step all the way forward. “I’m Lacy Anderson and I found you on the internet. I just moved to LA and I’m looking to establish a psychiatrist in the area and see about getting my medication refilled. Are you busy right now?”

“No. Come in, Ms. Anderson. Who’s that you have with ya there?”

“This is Gabby Gabby.”

There are papers all over the bed. He’s got an old printer, a laptop, an iPad, all resting on and around him on the bed.

“Well hi Gabby Gabby. I love dogs. Keep a Scottish corgi myself. You can have a seat right over there. Feel free to let your dog walk around. Did you close the door? I usually like to do a half-hour interview first consultation, then you see me at your convenience, for medication refills and whatnot. Have you seen a psychiatrist before?”

“Since I was five.”

“Ok, so you know how this works. What do you see a doctor for, can I ask, Lacy?”

“Depression.”

“Had that since you were five?”

“On and off.”

“Does it get in the way of what you’re doing?”

“Sometimes. I have long periods of ok-ness.”

“And how long do these periods of ok-ness last?”

“Months, sometimes.”

“And periods of not-ok-ness?”

“Usually days to weeks.”

“And what happens during those periods?”

“I get weird.”

“Patient gets weird.”

He’s tapping on the keyboard of the iPad.

“Define weird.”

“I lick bugs.”

“Licks bugs.”

He looks up.

“I suspect it isn’t just limited to licking bugs.”

“No, it’s not. I’m trying to adjust to living here and Ben just got a job so I’m home alone a lot of the time when I should be looking for auditions and I don’t know if I’m just lonely or if there really is a problem.”

I’m looking at him.

“Can I keep talking?”

He sits back and gestures to me to go ahead.

“I kissed a girl at my wedding. Do you think that makes me a lesbian?”

I wait a long time.

He says, “I don’t know.”

I’m looking at the floor. I pick up Gabby Gabby, pet her. I rub my nose. Put Gabby Gabby down. Look off into the corner.

“Where did you move from?”

“I don’t know. Ohio?”

“Is Ben your husband?”

I nod.

“It was yours and his wedding where you kissed the girl?”

“Yeah. I think so. Yeah, it was.”

“You’re an actor.”

“Yes.”

“Why aren’t you looking for auditions?”

“I don’t know. You know? I really don’t know.”

“Have you had trouble with that in the past, with procrastination?”

“About some things. Not others.”

“How did you do in school?”

“I was an A/F student.”

“Do you exercise?”

“I run.”

“That help?”

I nod. Tears are starting to well up. I pat my leg for Gabby Gabby to come over. She does.

“You’ve got a well-trained dog.”

“And we didn’t even train her!” I say it like a mental patient, like I’m cracking up.

“Do you want to tell me more about the girl you kissed?”

“Um. Sure. Her name is Tosha. Natasha. But I call her Tosh. She’s not a lesbian and I don’t think I am either what else is there to say?”

“Maybe nothing.”

I smile. “Really?”

“Really. You kissed a girl at your wedding. Is Ben mad about it?”

“I don’t know what Ben is. I think he actually liked it when I did it.”

“Hmm.”

“Do you know what that means?”

“Does he like any other strange things you do? Not that you kissing Natasha is strange. But do you find it strange, any other things he likes about you?”

“I’ll have to think about that.”

“Please do. You’re a delightful person, Lacy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you kissing a girl at your wedding and I suggest you stop worrying about it. How does that sound to you?”

“It sounds perfect.”

“Then you’ll work on that for me?”

“Yes.”

“Now, in this other matter. I think you may be, that in addition to occasional depression you may suffer from symptoms of ADHD. Have you been diagnosed with that before?”

“No.”

“What I’d like to do is put you on Adderall because I think it might clear up your ability to get done some of the things you want to get done. Would you be willing to try that and see if it works?”

I nod.

“We’re going to start you on a low dosage, then increase the dosage daily for a while. I’ll write you out instructions, and the pharmacist will explain this to you as well. We’ll see if we can’t get you to those auditions.”

---

I sat in the car with Gabby Gabby downstairs, reading the prescription Dr. Giggle had printed on his old-ass printer and Gabby Gabby was beside me, waiting patiently and attentively and loving me unconditionally like dogs are supposed to do, and I just thought about how crazy the world is, that there’s a psychiatrist lying on a bed in a motel who gave me permission not to worry about kissing Tosha and I believed him, and how this new medicine might help, and how I very much wanted to get to auditions, and had to, needed to, to make this whole LA thing work. And I would. I would be able to make it work. Maybe I should stop by and see Ben at the studio. Would he like that? I thought about calling him. Then I put my phone down and thought about the man upstairs sunbathing, and I realized I hadn’t seen it rain in the month we had been here. And I thought about how that weather was supposed to make it perfect for making movies, and how bad I wanted to be in them.

---

It was an audition for a Taco Time commercial. It was a radio commercial, so it was voice-only, but we still had to look our best. I don’t know why I went to it. Maybe because it was an open call. Maybe because I knew I could get it.

I was in the bathroom beforehand. Gabby Gabby on the counter. I’m looking in the mirror. I open the cabinet. What is in here? My anti-anxiety pill. Forget that. What else. Nothing. My Adderall, my Celexa, vitamins. St. John’s Wort. Take some vitamin C.

I grab a vitamin C, one Celexa, one Adderall, even though I’ve already taken mine, and pop them.

Swallow.

“What do you think about that?” Little pooch.

I take another vitamin C, and another, and another.

“Fuckers!!”

I bang on the mirror. It frightens Gabby Gabby. She has her head down. I bare my teeth, to check where I flossed. Perfect. I’m going to slam this. Slam it. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it to a real audition but this one’s mine. Work is work, right?

---

Downstairs, I made myself a drink. Bacardi 151 and Coke, which is the only thing I drank in college. I mean not my only, but my standby. Gabby Gabby watched me drink it and I took the second half in my carry mug, which fit nicely in the cupholder in the front of my puma.

We auditioned in a school. One floor of a school. I left puma in an underground garage like a block away, told him to be good. Sometimes he likes to flirt with the other cars. Come back one day there’ll be little pumas running around.

It was a simple setup. Audition in a room on the second floor. It was a film school. They were using one of the offices for auditions, and we waited outside in the hallway. There were a couple girls, one guy. The call was for both. They had a little conversation in the commercial, a guy and a girl. I wrote my name on the sign-in sheet and found the bathroom. Took my carry mug with me. Locked myself inside a stall. Drank the rest of my 151 standing up. Left one sip for good luck. Went back out into the hall.

One of the girls was gone. I sat down. Waited. Thought about what I was doing at this dumb-ass audition. Remembered I just needed to get started, this was about Dr. Giggle and getting out of the house and not being so lonely during the day and only having Gabby Gabby to hang out with. I would meet people. Find girls to go out with, other than Caroline and those girls from back home. I thought about Caroline, and why hadn’t I called her? Because I didn’t want to admit I was at this audition? That wasn’t it. I just didn’t want to call her. I don’t know why. I hope Gabby Gabby is ok.

---

“Hello Miss Anderson.”

“Hello.”

“Did you find us alright?”

“Yes.”

“Did you get the sides?”

“Just now, yes.”

“Alright. This is our director, Mark Hand, he’ll be reading you today. If you’re ready to begin, we’ll go ahead and get started.”

I take the last sip of my mug and set it on their table.

“Ready.”

---

At home I had another 151. I told myself I deserved it, that I had just had a hard audition, and that I needed it. It was less than we drank at Wright State. Ben didn’t care. He drank too. We drank every night together. I didn’t see anything out of wack.

I laid around downstairs for a while, just laid on the the floor, with my drink at my head and Gabby Gabby running around me. She got tired and put her snout on my belly. She can always feel the energy. She’s so good about when you have food around her, too, she never tries to eat off your plate or drink your drink.

I sat up. I took a sip of my drink. I should call Caroline. Invite her over for dinner tonight. All I could think about was her clothes. When I tried to think of her, I just thought of this dress and that dress, all those dresses she wore, and her shoes we had picked out together, and her hair clips, distinctive huge-style hair clips. She was just clothes. Made of clothes. Sifted through clothes. Devised by clothes. Her apartment actually is like a little shrine to clothes. She’s got dresses hanging in front of the window like they’re a show.

I stood. I went upstairs. Gabby Gabby waited at the top of the stairs. I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. It had been a long time since we’d had one of our conversations. Needed to get back in touch with something. Needed to find a core. Lacy, why aren’t you happy? You need to make this happen for you. Find the friends. How? Go out more. Go out with Ben. Suck it up and get Caroline to come along. See when Tosha and Mike are coming. Get Tiffany’s ass out here.

I’m looking at myself. Hair needs doing. Before I go to any more auditions my hair needs doing. Face looks good. Eyes are looking a little dead there, Lacy. Dropped around the edges. Play with them. Pull them back. Make them shine. That’s that sparkle. Now smile. There. That’s who you are. Don’t lose that. Don’t ever lose that.

I open the medicine cabinet. Look around. I pick up the vitamin C and open it. Pop three out, then eight. I slam them. Drink them down with water. Then I go for the Addys. Pick up the bottle. Push down and turn. I’m just gonna do one more.

---

“How was your audition?”

“Oh, Ben, it was stupid. It was for a taco commercial.”

“But you’re out doing stuff.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

Ben’s pouring himself a drink.

“Do you want one?”

“I already have one.”

“Oh.”

Ben smiles.

“How’s Gabby Gabby.”

“She’s fine I think we need to get her a new sweater.”

“Why? What’s wrong with the one she has?”

“Nothing’s wrong with it. She just needs a new one.”

“So what was the audition like?”

“It was just a couple of guys. Very low-key.”

“Were there a ton of people there?”

“No.”

“Do you think you’ll get it?”

“Who knows Ben.”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“We need to get out more. Don’t you think?”

“If you want.”

“Is anyone at your studio that you work with making a film?”

“You mean like the clients?”

“I mean someone in your office? Any small films?”

“Yeah. But. I don’t know if they need someone as attractive as you.”

“Well ask. And take me out to dinner.”

---

He took me to sushi. This is in Hollywood. Hollywood and Vine.

“This is a nice place.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think we made the right choice to get married?”

“What?”

“Do you think we’re losing that spark?”

“No, Lacy, do you?”

“I think. We’re in a routine. You go to work, I stay home and play with Gabby Gabby. This is the first time we’ve been on a date since we’ve been here.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s my fault too! I never asked you to take me out till today! I’m sitting at home lying on the floor drinking and talking to a dog!”

“But she’s a great dog.”

I smile.

“Yeah, she’s amazing, Ben, I’m glad we got her.”

“I am too.”

“Alright, enough of my bullshit, what are we getting?”

---

Ben is getting the check.

“Fucking delightful,” I tell the waiter.

We’ve been drinking gin.

“Delightful.”

“Here you go. We’re all set.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“Now what?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re not going home.”

“We’re not?”

“No.”

I smile widely.

“Where are we going?” Ben asks.

“Let’s walk around,” I say, and grab his hand.

---

We walk around this little courtyard thing and it doesn’t take us long to decide to see a movie. Fortunately, this movie theater has a bar. I make Ben buy the tickets while I wander over that way. It’s this giant indoor area, tickets, gift shop, restaurant. I’m wearing my purple dress with the slanty-cut hemline. It shows a lot of leg. At the hostess station I ask if I can just go to the bar.

“Go right ahead.”

There’s a couple down at one end, and a single girl at the other end, with her study materials set in front of her. I go to the middle of the bar and there’s already a bartender there to meet me.

“Hello.”

“Hello miss, what can I get you this evening?”

“It feels like sort of a gin night to me.”

“Gin. Ok. Which type would you like? We have Ketel, Absolut, Bombay, Hendricks.”

“Hendricks, neat.”

“Very good. Are you seeing a show tonight miss?”

“Yes, I am,” I say, “But I don’t know what yet.”

The girl at the one end of the bar, she isn’t studying, she’s writing. She has a stack of note cards, which she’s pulling from, making other, smaller stacks, and writing on them. She’s writing with the plainest Bic pen. At the bottom of her bar stool is a red bookbag, Jansport, one of the straps wrapped around her foot.

She’s so intent on her writing. I wonder what she’s making. A book? Writing it out on smallish cards so she can rearrange it? Maybe they’re just observations about people she sees at the bar, like me. Maybe she’s writing a screenplay. I hope it’s that. I step a little closer to her, turning my back to the bar and pretending to look over the people seated at tables.

I glance at her cards. One says, “Do fewer things better.”

I reach over and point to that part in her writing.

She looks up, through glasses.

“I like that,” I say.

“Do fewer things better?”

“Yes. I’m going to use that.”

I have my phone out, I’m copying her phrase into my notes.

“Do you mind if I steal that? I have to steal that. It’s genius.”

The girl smiles.

“What are you writing?”

“Oh. Just my thoughts. About things.”

“I like your notecards.”

“They help me organize. This way I can shuffle things around once I’ve written them. Or I can remove one, tear it up. I can just throw away whatever I want. I have lots of note cards.”

“That’s really cool. I’m Lacy.”

The girl puts down her pen and offers to shake my hand.

“I’m Sarah.”

“Well don’t let me bother you. Are you seeing a movie?”

“I might. I. Keep buying tickets for one. But then I keep sitting here.”

The bartender smiles.

“Sarah’s one of our regulars,” he says.

“Only ’cause your drinks are so good. So are you here alone?”

“Your Hendricks, miss.”

Then Ben shows up.

“Thank you.”

I take my drink.

“I didn’t order you anything. Didn’t know what you wanted.”

I’m sipping the first sip of my drink.

Ben is standing on my right and Sarah is on my left.

Ben orders a Scotch.

I’m waiting for the right moment to introduce them but it doesn’t come.

“Um. Ben.”

Ben turns.

“Ben this is Sarah. Sarah, this is my husband.”

“Hi Sarah.”

“Ben.”

“A writer! I’m an editor. Lacy acts. So, what are you writing? And wait, how do you two know each other?”

“We just met,” I say.

---

Ben and I go into the movie. We say goodbye to Sarah, leave her to her writing. You can take drinks into this movie theater. This is Hollywood.

We find our seats. Ben sets his drink on the floor. He’s adjusting his seat. He picks his drink up again.

“Baby,” I say, “You’ve got to stop introducing yourself as an editor.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’ll do it next time.”

“Don’t be ashamed. Everyone here is trying to get into something they’re not.”

“I will,” he says.

“I’m holding you to that. I’m rooting for you, baby.”

“You’re ‘rooting’ for me?”

Ben pokes my side.

“Don’t make fun of the way I talk. I support you, baby, that’s all I’m saying. Rooting, supporting, whatever. Don’t call yourself an editor next time. Call yourself a filmmaker.”

“I will,” he says, “I will.”

Then the house is darkening and our previews are coming on.

---

It’s a movie with Cameron Diaz. I’m sitting there watching it remembering when she was new. Her parts in There’s Something About Mary and Charlie’s Angels. That part in Charlie’s Angels when she’s dancing. Both on Soul Train and in her bedroom. I love that scene where she’s dancing in her bedroom. She’s so cute. Dr. Giggle didn’t seem to think it was a problem. If I liked girls. And I did like girls, I mean who doesn’t like girls? Are there girls out there who don’t like girls? How boring. I had never done anything with them, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything with them, but I liked them in the sense that I liked to look at them and thought they were pretty and wanted to be around them. That’s liking, right? I didn’t watch girl porn or anything. But I’m not really a porn kind of person. I am porn. When I’m with Ben, that’s my porn. The games we play. They way I talk to him. He watches porn, I sometimes watch it with him, but it’s not my thing. But I don’t mind that he watches it. He can do whatever he wants, by me. He doesn’t fuck other girls. He loves me. He thinks I’m the best, when I don’t even think I’m the best. I need Ben. I’m part of him. This movie showcases Cameron Diaz but she’s not the star. There should be more movies where Cameron Diaz is the star.

Ben is shifting next to me. I’m looking at his drink. He’s out. My gin is only half-drunk, we had enough at the sushi place. I don’t want to pass out watching this movie.

“You want me to get you another?”

Ben looks over.

“Want another drink?” I’m whispering it.

He shrugs.

“I’ll get you another one.”

“If you want to.”

I take his drink. I shuffle past him and sneak across a couple sitting between us and the aisle. Outside, the hallway is empty, just a couple employees cleaning up between shows. I go over to the balcony railing. Upstairs is a bar. Downstairs, just below where I’m standing, is the bar where Ben and me ordered our drinks. I’m looking over the railing straight down on the bartenders. Sarah is still at the counter. Her pen is down. She’s talking wildly with one of the bartenders. Waving her hands. She takes a drink of something in a bottle. I take Ben’s drink down, my purple dress clinging to me on the stairs.

---

“You’re still writing.”

“You’re still drinking.”

“This is for my husband.”

“He’s still drinking.”

“I’m still drinking too.”

“Whatcha having?” That’s the bartender.

“I’m having more of the same.”

He starts making my Hendrick’s neat.

“Can I look at some more of your notecards?”

Sarah pushes a few of them toward me.

“Be my guest.”

She takes a drink from her bottle. It’s water.

“I like these. They’re wise.”

“No one’s ever called me wise before. Are you calling me wise?”

“I’m calling you wise.”

An uncomfortable pause. We got too close too fast.

“So are you originally from here?”

“I’m originally from Montana.”

“I just moved here too! Or, I just moved here.”

“Just you, or you and your guy?”

“Me and my guy. So what do you do, other than write down brilliant ideas on notecards?”

“I wash dishes? What do you do, Lacy?”

“I’m trying to be an actor.”

“In anything?”

“I’m working on a taco commercial. Working on getting a taco commercial.”

“What do you want to do? Films?”

“Yeah.”

“You will,” she says. “I can tell.”

“You can?”

“Yeah. You know who you should go see. The Oracle of Hollywood.”

“Who’s the Oracle of Hollywood?”

“Here’s your drink, miss.”

“You want to sit down?”

“I guess I better.”

“Ok. The Oracle of Hollywood is this Chinese woman who works over on Cahuenga, in the mailbox store. There’s a store there that has like P.O. boxes and mailing supplies. The woman who works there is the Oracle of Hollywood. Anyone who comes here. Can go there. And get the Oracle of Hollywood to tell them their future. Not exactly their future future. But she can tell. Like if you’re going to be successful, she knows. Go to the Oracle of Hollywood. She’ll tell you.”

“Ok,” I say.

I sip my drink.

“What did she say about you?”

“That I was going to be a dishwasher. But that’s ok. I didn’t come here to get famous.”

“Then why did you come here?”

“Because I like to be alone. And this. Is a great place to be alone.”

“I’ve been too alone.”

“You have?”

“I’ve been hanging around the house and not going to auditions and talking to my dog. And occasionally I lick bugs,” I add.

“Do you have friends?”

“Yeah, I have friends from back home and some of ’em are even out here but. I don’t feel connected to them. You know?”

“No. I don’t know. Because I don’t have friends. I like to be alone, remember?”

“Oh my gosh. Am I bothering you? Do you want to be alone right now?”

“I’ll want to be alone in a minute. But you’re ok for now.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“Why?”

“I just don’t want to be bothering you.”

“You’re not. Let’s talk for a while. Then we’ll stop.”

She holds her bottle out to me, tipped forward. I clink her with my glass.

---

Of course it isn’t long before Ben comes out.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

He tries to drag me off to the side. Sarah watches, totally unashamed, nothing about her uncomfortable with the situation.

“I thought you were watching the movie and then you leave and I’m like ‘she’s coming back’ and then, what is it, like thirty minutes, I’m getting worried, you can tell me if you’re coming out to the bar, then I can enjoy the movie without worrying about you. Then I find you sitting here with this girl.”

Sarah is smiling.

“So what the fuck is up?”

“Excuse me?”

“What is going on?”

“Why are you cursing?”

“What?”

“Take your hand off me. Look. You made red marks. I’m having a conversation. You want to watch your movie, watch your movie. There’s nothing going on here.”

“No?”

“No. You can talk to people.”

“I can leave a movie theater while we’re watching a movie together and come out to the bar to talk to people?”

“Yes! If you want!”

“You wouldn’t mind if I did that?”

“No!”

“If I was talking with a woman.”

“Talk to whoever you want!”

“What about the movie?”

“Go watch it if you want.”

“Don’t you want to watch it?”

I stare at him blankly.

“I thought you liked Cameron Diaz. I thought you wanted to see a movie with Cameron Diaz! Is that not the case?”

“I’m done watching it. Please. If you want to watch it, I’ll meet you here.”

“Excuse us, Sarah, sorry for having this discussion in front of you.”

“No problem. You two work it out.”

Sarah goes back to her work.

“I was having a nice talk,” I tell Ben.

And we stand there a while in silence. I don’t want to go back in. I want to have my talk with Sarah while she’s still in the mood to not be alone. Ben and I have plenty of time together. Does it have to be right now?

“Didn’t we have a nice dinner together?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Well can we have our time alone?”

“You want to be alone?”

“I just want to sit here and talk.”

“Well do you mind if I sit here too?”

“No, baby. Sit here. Sit.”

I pull out a stool for him.

“Here.”

He lets me sit first. Then it’s Sarah, me, Ben.

“Did you even get me another drink?”

“I’m sorry. Excuse me.”

“No it’s alright I’ll get it.”

“Excuse me.”

“Yes miss.”

“My husband would like a Balvenie Doublewood in a snifter.”

“Sure thing, miss.”

“Wouldn’t it be Mrs?” Ben says to me, quietly.

“Shut up. Since when are you into Mrs?”

---

We sit there in silence. Ben to my right, with nothing to say now that he’s got himself out here. And Sarah to my left, buried in her notes, pretending we’re not even there. I’m shaking my head and slugging gin. I can be a real slugger when I want to. Or more like when I need to. Should leave these two here to contend with each other while I go watch the movie. I do like Cameron Diaz. Watch her shake her butt in Charlie’s Angels. Need to see if that’s on Netflix.

“How’s your Balvenie?”

“Good,” he says.

Great. I would ask Sarah how’s your writing, see if she can top the king of the one-word answers. Never should have come out to this bar. I drink some more gin.

I’m in hell. I’m in hell. I’ve got Mr. Jealousy to my right and possibly someone interesting to my left. I’m trying to make new friends. That’s what Ben wants, right? New friends. Am I going to discriminate against them if they’re girls?

“This isn’t working,” I say.

“What’s ‘this’?”

I point real fast between me Sarah and him. “This.”

Sarah smirks. She’s not getting involved.

I slide one of Sarah’s postcards toward me, set it near my glass.

Ben is staring at the wall of bottles like it’s going to teach him something.

I look at Sarah, look at her pen.

She sets the pen on the bar.

I drink a little more of my drink.

Then I just take it and I write my number on that card of hers. I slide the card back to her. I stand up.

“I’m ready to go.”

“I’m not done with my Scotch.”

“I’ll meet you in the car.”

“No, wait, I’m done.”

“Goodnight Sarah.”

“Goodnight.”

---

That night I didn’t know if Ben hadn’t seen me write my number down or if he was choosing not to say anything. I kept my phone next to the bed and hoped she wouldn’t call tonight, and I wondered if she’d call at all.

Ben and I didn’t fight. We drove home lightly chatting about music and the parts of the movie we had both seen, how cool it was that you could take your drinks into the movie theatre. When we got home Ben took a shower while I texted Caroline. I told her the whole thing, except that the person at the bar had been a girl. I said it was a boy, betting that she and Ben would never find themselves discussing this event. Caroline agreed that it was so crazy that Ben had gotten bent out of shape about it and we agreed that she and I would go there during the day sometime to see a film. Then Ben came to bed and he smelled so good I sucked his dick.

---

In fact it was weeks before Sarah called me. And I did get the Taco Time gig. I have a good voice, what can I say. It was three hours worth of work, in a studio at the same school where I auditioned. I did this conversation with a guy, no one I had seen at the audition. Then at the end I said, “Come in today to try our new Mexi-Fries.” That was it. It was simple. It was a good first job in LA. I was actually proud of it.

When Sarah called I was at home with Gabby Gabby.

“What took you so long?”

“Oh, did I take long?”

“So. What’s up with you.”

“So, I’m throwing this party tonight.”

---

I was there. Of course I was there. I told Ben it was a girl-only thing and I took Caroline with me. I wished Tosh was around but she wouldn’t be out for another couple weeks.

“So who’s this girl.”

“Just someone I met at a movie theater.”

“Are you into her?”

“Caroline. I think you’ve got the wrong idea of me, lately.”

“That’s ok. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Right.”

“Do you want me to take you home?”

I popped it down into third gear, raced around the side of some cars in the middle lane. Slowed to normal speed.

I looked at Caroline.

She said, “No.”

---

The party was in Echo Park. We had to park about a block away.

“How do you know this girl again?”

“We met in a movie theater. Look, Caroline, don’t say anything. We’re here to have fun.”

“Ok. Just don’t get so you can’t drive home,” she says. “Did you bring your gun?”

I pat my purse. “Take it everywhere.”

“God save us.”

“What? It’s my baby!”

---

Sarah was nowhere to be found. We checked upstairs. We checked downstairs. We checked in the back by the pool. Just your typical frat-type party, people lounging all over the place, half-naked, half-fucking. I had a couple of drinks. We were overdressed. Caroline and I are both hot girls. We drew attention. And not the type we were looking for.

“Do you want to go?”

“Kind of.”

We went to the porch. It was a guy and a girl, smoking. And us. Then comes this kid wearing a pair of bunny ears, running up the porch. He’s got someone following him.

“Where did all these people come from?”

“The neighborhood.”

“Well they have to leave. They have to leave now.”

“I can make that happen.”

“Excuse me,” I say.

The guy with the bunny ears looks at me like “What?”

“This is your house?”

“Yeah, this is my fucking house. And who are you? Who are you with? No offense but how did you get here?”

“We drove.”

“They drove.” This said over his shoulder to the guy behind him.

“Do you know Sarah?” I ask.

The bunny dude turns back to me.

“Do I know Sarah. Do I. Sarah,” he says, “is most probably the reason my house is filled with a million and one cheeseheads at the present time. Sarah is the reason I’m going to be scraping dog shit. Off the sidewalk. In front of my house. For the next week. Do you own a dog? Do you?”

“I do but I didn’t bring her. Her name’s Gabby Gabby.”

“Gabby Gabby. Well isn’t that a cute name for a dog. And what type of dog is Gabby Gabby?”

“A teacup chihuahua.”

“A teacup chihuahua. Well the dog who shat on my sidewalk was not a teacup chihuahua. So next time bring your dog!”

“This is my friend Caroline.”

“Well fuck you Caroline.”

“Have you seen Sarah?”

“Have I seen Sarah? Of course I’ve seen Sarah. Sarah’s the reason I live in this goddamn town. You’re looking for Sarah you’re looking in the wrong place. Head down the street, you and your friend Caroline, while I clean up this shit you’ll find Sarah at the Smiling Skull. Tavern. Pool hall. Are you meth heads?”

I’m thinking of what to say.

“Don’t think too long about it. You either are, or you aren’t. You look like nice enough people. Here, take my phone. Go ahead, take it. Take it! What the hell am I going to do with a phone. You give Sarah a call, she’s in there. See if she wants you to come down, save yourself a trip. Do you think that Sarah wants to talk to me? No she does not. I used to fuck that girl on Indian reservations at dawn in the back of a shitty pickup truck I bought from my cousin in New Jersey. Now what does she want to do with me? Nada. Nothing. To use my house. She wants to throw a party doesn’t mean she wants to attend a party. What am I to her? Do you think I have an iota of importance to her? No, I do not. And I can tell. You like her, don’t you? You like her and that’s why you’re here. And this one. Caroline. What’s your involvement in this whole situation. You’re just the friend she decided to take to the party. You don’t like girls. She likes girls. But you don’t like girls. Well Sarah doesn’t like girls either, if that’s what you’re looking for. Doesn’t like guys. Doesn’t like girls. Doesn’t like anyone! Give me my fucking phone. That’s my phone, friend of Caroline. My phone. You have a phone, yes? I’ll give you the number. She won’t pick up anyway if I call.”

I try to tell him that I already have it but he won’t stop.

“You have your phone? Get it out? Ready? Here. Here it is.”

---

“I think we should go home.”

“I don’t really want to.”

“Come on, Lacy. That was weird.”

“It was weird. So? Things are weird. Let’s just go see if she’s down here.”

“Why don’t you call her.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Lacy.”

---

The Smiling Skull was a biker bar. It wasn’t difficult to find Sarah. She was in the back hustling Harley dudes at pool. Me and Caroline leaned up against the wall and waited for her. As soon as she saw me she made a sign, a stroke of her finger across both eyes.

Me and Caroline watched her run a table and then she was polite, she came over and offered to buy us both drinks.

“Ok, but we’ve got the next ones.”

Sarah bought me a gin and Caroline a beer. Sarah drank water, bottled, a German one I had never heard of.

“So what’s up with your party,” Caroline asked her.

“Oh yeah, how is that going?”

“We met your ex-boyfriend.”

“How was that?”

“He talked our ear off. Is he a meth head?”

“No. He has ADD.”

“I have ADD!”

“Really.” That was Caroline. She said it sarcastically, then walked away and invited herself to a game of darts.

“So why did you call me?” I ask.

“Why, what did Adam tell you? Did he tell you that I hate everyone?”

“How did you guess?”

“That’s what me and him were just talking about. He came in here. Did he tell you that everything was my fault? That’s what he tells everyone.”

“I don’t care what he tells everyone.”

“You don’t?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. You’re a genuinely nice person. I could tell that from the moment I met you. I saw a spark in you, Lacy. Did you go to see the Oracle of Hollywood?”

“Not yet.”

“Well you should go. She’s good, that one. Do you want to play a game of pool.”

“I’m not good.”

“That’s ok. We’ll just play for fun.”

“Won’t they mind?” I ask.

“Guys,” Sarah shouts, “Can we clear this table?”

---

“So is that your party or his?”

“It’s our party. He invited half those people.”

“Is that true?”

“Swear to god! No, I mean, it was getting crazy so I left. I wanted to have a few people over, maybe like twenty, thirty. But we met so many people as part of Adam’s job.”

“Which is?”

“He works for DC, you know the skatewear company?”

I’m quiet.

“Well, he works for DC. And we met a lot of people through his work. A lot of moochers. People who aren’t part of the company but who want to be part of the company, you know?”

I nod my head.

Sarah takes a shot. She’s playing for real, but she’s playing relaxed.

“So why don’t you drink?”

She walks around the table toward me. She’s taller than me.

“Just done with it, you know. I used to. Got out of hand. Now I just do other things. You want another?”

“If it doesn’t bother you.”

“It doesn’t bother me that you drink, Lacy.” She sits on the edge of the table, right next to me. “I want you to do whatever you want to do. You do you,” she says. “What drink do you want?”

“I want a 151 and Coke,” I say. “But wait, I’m getting it this time.”

“Aren’t you unemployed?”

I think about saying Ben has a job but I don’t.

“Let me get this, I save a lot of money not-drinking.”

---

She gets me about five more drinks, and they’re all 151 and Cokes, before I realize that Caroline and Sarah are talking about me. Communicating. They’re coordinating how I should get home and who should drive and things like this. But I don’t want to go home.

I tell them that.

“Then let’s just go back to my place,” Sarah says.

---

“Also,” I say, “I’m not unemployed.” I say this to Sarah. “I just did a commercial for Taco Time pizza company. A radio one. And I got paid fifteen hundred dollars.”

“You did? That’s a good rate. How’s their pizza?”

“I don’t eat tacos.”

“Is your ex going to be here,” Caroline asks.

“I hope so.”

“I hope so, too, I liked that guy,” I say, totally sloshed.

The house is considerably less full than earlier.

We all sit down by the pool. I have my foot out of the shoe, pointing it. Sarah puts her hand on my shin. She helps me make sure my shoe doesn’t go into the swimming pool.

Caroline gets up. “Can I get myself something to drink?”

“If you can find anything. Actually. Go in the cabinet right to the left of the stove. It’s all you.”

Caroline says, “Have fun you two.”

I’ve got my leg up, with my foot on the side of the pool, and I’m hoping Sarah will touch me again. I turn to her a little and arrange the strings on her sweatshirt. I look up at her. My face is serious.

“What are you doing, Lacy?”

“I’m trying to kiss you.”

Sarah smiles.

“But what are you doing in general? You moved to LA. And now you’ve done a taco commercial. Don’t you want to be in films?”

“That’s just the same thing I say to Ben.”

“Maybe say it to yourself.”

“Well what do you want? You’re a dishwasher. Right? Is that what you want?”

“I want to write my thoughts. And that’s what I do. Are you doing what you want to do?”

“I want to kiss you.”

“I know you do.”

“Are you not going to?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“You shouldn’t think so much.”

“But that’s what I like to do, Lacy. I like to think and I like to write. I think too much. That’s what I do. I think I’m going to bed now. I’m glad you came tonight. It was good to see you. I hope you and Caroline will feel free to stay here tonight. If not I hope Caroline’s driving. But I hope you stay here. Goodnight Lacy.”

---

“So what did she say?” Caroline’s laughing.

“Shut the fuck up Caroline.”

“Are you going to tell me how you really feel?” she asks.

“Yeah, I am.”

“It’s about time. You’ve been holding it in since I asked you about Tosha.”

“Before that,” I say.

“Well good,” she says.

“Where is the fucking car?” I shout.

We’re headed away from Sarah’s house. I thought this was the intersection where we parked.

“Wasn’t it right here?”

“I don’t know. You’re the one driving.”

“How many more did you drink?”

“I can’t count them as drinks,” she says.

“You can’t count them?”

“I was drinking from the bottle. While you were playing footsie with Sarah whatever the fuck her last name is.”

“So what I played footsies with her.”

“Do you have your gun?”

“Yeah.”

“Give it to me. I want to shoot myself with it.”

“Why.”

“Cause I’m sick of you lying about shit.”

“You mean the Tosha kiss?”

“Yes!”

“Wake up, Caroline. Do you know what year it is? No one cares!”

I’m the one laughing now. And Caroline is fixing her stocking.

“What streets did we park at? Do you remember?”

“No.”

“What street is that?”

“The street sign. Is right there,” Caroline says.

“I can’t see it,” I say.

“You can’t see it??”

“I can’t read it. From here.”

“You can’t read the street sign?”

“My eyes are blurry.”

“Maybe that’s cause you drank like six rum and Cokes!”

“So?”

“So you don’t get so drunk you can’t read the street signs when you’re driving!”

“Do you want to drive?”

“I can’t!! Besides. Besides, Lacy. WE CAN’T FIND OUR CAR!!”

“Lemme call Ben.”

Caroline sits down on the sidewalk.

“Ben. Hey it’s Lacy. Yeah well. Slight problem. I can’t find my car. We’re fine. Found the party, yes. Nothing happened. Caroline’s still with me. We’re working on finding it. I don’t know. We have a general area we’re looking in. It should be right where we left it. I don’t. Well. I don’t know! I’m sorry baby. I know! I didn’t mean to worry you! We’ll find it. And it’s ok, I’ve got my baby. If anything happens to us, we’ll be able to handle it. No I don’t have it out! What do you think I’m trying to do! Well I don’t know either! Do you miss me? Yeah? Yeah? Ok, well as soon as I find my keys. No! I meant puma, baby. I have my keys. Maybe puma got tired of us and walked off. I doubt it was stolen. Yep. Trying the key fob and it’s not bleeping. No, I don’t think so. Well, you can’t anyway. Because I don’t know what street we’re on. Because I can’t see the street sign.”

Caroline rolls her eyes.

“Ok, I miss you too baby. See you home soon for some sweet lovin’. I will, don’t worry. I will. Bye.”

“Lacy, honestly. What are we going to do?”

“Ben wanted to send a taxi.”

“That’s a good idea!”

“But I don’t know where we are!”

“I can tell you! Look, we’re on Morse street. See? We’ll find a cross street. Or an address. What’s that house address?”

“I don’t know.”

“What if I wasn’t here, Lacy? How would you read to get the street signs? Do you need glasses?”

I shake my head.

“Walk me up here.”

Caroline has her hand out.

“Walk me up here so we can see what the street number is.”

I reach in my purse and put my hand on my baby.

We’re walking up the driveway of this house.

“Do you see that?”

“Yeah.”

“What does it look like to you?”

“A house number?”

“That’s a birdhouse.”

“Why don’t these houses have numbers on them!?”

“Let’s just walk to the end of the street.”

“Why?”

“So we can get an address and get out of here!”

“I want to find puma.”

“Lacy, you can’t drive.”

“We’ll get to the car and sit there a while.”

“You’d have to sit there for hours.”

“I don’t want to leave my car in this neighborhood, ok?”

---

We found the car. It took us returning to Sarah’s house and starting off again in a different direction. We had to do that twice, but we found the car. Inside, I turned the radio on and locked the doors.

“This is the last time I’m coming to a party with you.”

“I wish you wouldn’t be so dramatic.”

“Lacy, I’m sick of your shit.”

“What shit?”

“You’re off drinking with that girl, who doesn’t even like you, you’ve got me walking around Echo Park in the middle of the night, we’re walking up some driveway of someone’s house we don’t even know you’ve got your gun out. You’re going to get us shot with that thing. You and Ben should have never bought it.”

“What happened to you wanting to get the same one as me?”

“What?”

“You said you wanted to get the same exact gun as me, when I told you about it. What ever happened to that?”

“Lacy I never said that.”

“I didn’t even take it out. I just had my hand on it. In case!”

“In case what? Some granny turns on the light and scares us and we accidentally shoot her?”

I thought about the LA news, and how horrible it was.

“Do you think that having a gun is unsafe?”

“I think for you it is. I’m sorry. But for you. Yes I think it is.”

“Well. I’ll think about it, thank you. Me and Ben will talk about it.”

I rifle through my purse and get my lipstick. I’m applying it in the mirror.

“Now. What I’d like to do. If you’re not opposed. Is put this car in reverse, get un-stuck from behind this 1980s convenience van and get us the fuck out of here. I’m not going to do that, though, if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m perfectly happy. To sit here. Until five in the morning and then drive us home. It’s your call.”

Caroline breathes in.

“Get us the fuck out of here.”

---

By the time we were home we were friends again. Caroline and I don’t have any vested interest in being enemies. She got to say her piece about the girl-kissing thing and I got to say mine about do you know what year it is and who gives a fuck. I didn’t think at this point anyone, including Ben, gave a shit that I did it at our wedding. Anyway I was sick of talking about it.

“Goodnight, Caroline.”

“Goodnight, Lace.”

“We had a good time didn’t we?”

“You did.”

“You did too, don’t give me that.”

“I’ll see you soon. Tomorrow?”

“Give me a call.”

“Alright.”

“Alright.”

I drove off.

---

Ben was waiting for me. I went in and he was in the living room drinking shitty Scotch out of one of our water glasses.

“Seriously, Lacy.”

“Seriously what?”

“Seriously,” he said.

And I waited for him to say more because I wasn’t going to answer that. I was upstairs undressing and he had come up to sit on the bed before he said anything else.

“When you call me. And you can’t see the street signs. That worries me. When you call me. Drunk as fuck. Looking for the car. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with that. You ask me if you can go to this party and I say yes and then I get this call from you at two in the morning and you can’t read the street signs. What if Caroline hadn’t been there?”

“She said the same thing.”

“Well.”

“She also said I shouldn’t have a gun! Do you think that’s true?”

Ben sighs.

“I think that we decided on you having a gun and that still makes sense. I think the drunker you are the less able you are to use it. I think Caroline’s just concerned, and I don’t like you two going out alone if you’re going to get completely trashed.”

“First of all, I don’t usually get trashed.”

“I know you don’t.”

“Second of all, Caroline was only drinking to put up with my stupid ass.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I was on a stupid mission to have fun and Caroline was having to put up with my stupid. Stupidness.”

“I wish you wouldn’t talk about yourself like that. Come here, baby. You’re my baby. I only want good things for you.”

He held my head to his chest.

“You’re not mad?”

“I was just worried. How’s your puma?”

“He’s fine.”

“How is Caroline?”

“She’s fine. She’s adjusting.”

“Adjusting?”

“To LA.”

“Good. You going to hang out with her anytime soon?”

“Yeah, tomorrow.”

“Cool.”

“You’re so good to me, Ben.”

---

That was how we were before bed. In bed it was a different story. I was all about to go to sleep, thinking we weren’t going to have sex tonight because Ben was still getting over me being late and drunk and everything.

Then he asked, “What kind of mission did you go on?”

“What?”

“You said you were on a mission to have fun, earlier.”

I decided to tell him.

“The party we went to was Sarah’s.”

“Who?”

“Sarah. The girl from the bar? At the Arclight?”

“Oh, Sarah. The party was hers?”

Ben put his hand on my leg.

“Yeah, she called me the other day and told me she was having this party, so.”

He moved his hand up me.

“How did she have your number.”

“I gave it to her.”

Ben came up over me. I could feel his dick.

“You gave her your number without telling me? You are a bad girl.”

I felt his dick. Completely hard.

“So what kind of mission was this mission you were on? Did you accomplish it? Was your mission about Sarah?”

“Yes.”

“Was it to fuck her?”

“No.”

“What was it?”

“You’re going to be mad.”

“I’m already mad, Lacy.”

He was pulling down my pajama pants.

“Are you really mad?”

“Yes, I am. After that shit you pulled at our wedding? I’m pissed.”

He had my pants pushed all the way down and his fingers were moving toward my cunt.

“I’m extremely angry at you,” he whispered in my ear. “You leave me here, by myself, to go search for Sarah, so you can do what with her? What was your mission?”

“To kiss her,” I say, and squeeze my legs together.

“Did you. Tell me you didn’t kiss her.”

“No. I didn’t.”

“But you wanted to.”

“Yes!”

He shoves a finger inside me.

“Yes, I did! I wanted to.”

He slowly puts another finger inside.

“You’re a bad girl, Lacy, and now I have to fuck you. You almost escaped. You almost got away with it. But you didn’t. You can tell all your friends, including Caroline, that this is what happens to them when they fuck around.”

“Ow!” I say.

He pinched me.

“That’s what happens to bad girls. You’ve been a bad girl, haven’t you?”

“Yes I have.”

“You need to be punished, don’t you?”

I nod.

He reaches down and grabs his cock. He puts it between my legs and presses it into me.

I let my legs go limp.

Ben grabs me by my shoulders and my neck, and he pushes all the way inside.

“Ben?”

“Uh.”

“I wanted to kiss her. But that’s not all I wanted to do.”

He starts to fuck me.

“I wanted her to love me, and love me every way. I wanted to be with her, and get her hot, I wanted to take off her glasses and lick her everywhere.”

Ben surges into me.

This is bad-girl-style, and it’s just one of the many ways that we fuck.

---

“Dr. Giggle?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how you said to notice anything strange that Ben liked about me?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I found something. He seems to like that I like girls. Or, that’s not exactly it but. I think he likes being mad at me. When I mess up, when I make a mess of things, Ben likes it.”

“So he likes it when you fuck up.”

“Yeah.”

“Might you ever consider having Ben come in for a joint session? Here or with another counsellor?”

“I don’t want. I like. I want to keep you to myself.”

“I understand. Does this thing with Ben bother you?”

“It kind of does. It’s kind of kinky and I like it. But it kind of does.”

“Do you feel like Ben has your best interest at heart?”

“You ask hard questions.”

“That’s my job. How’s the Adderall working out for you?”

“I like it. It’s working.”

“Are you auditioning?”

“Yes. I’ve even met some new people lately.”

“Good for you. How did you meet them?”

“Through this little short film I did. We would hang out between takes and I’ve got some new people to go out with now.”

“Is Ben ok with it?”

“Ben just likes me to keep my craziness to a minimum.”

“Does he?”

“Yeah I mean.”

“Does he really? Does he like that? Or does he like your craziness. I’m just asking questions, only you can decide what’s true.”

“I think he wants me to keep it under a certain level.”

“Keep an eye on that. See how he responds to your ‘craziness’, as you put it. How about you? How are you responding to it? Licking any bugs lately?”

“No, I’ve gotten kind of serious, though, is that a problem?”

“How do you mean, serious?”

“I’m sick of shit. I’ve been hyper-obsessed with cleaning the house. I’ve developed this attachment to this girl who doesn’t even like me. We hang out, and I like her. Sexually. But she’s a loner. She gives me advice. That’s our relationship. I don’t even care anymore about what I’m doing here, I mean, I moved to a new city, does it matter why I’m here? I’m doing things. I was in that short film I told you about. I’m seeing new people. Does it have to be any more complex than that?”

“No.”

“What am I to Ben? You know? We’re not best friends, we don’t have kids, we’re on the edge of seeing other people, I think. So why are we married? Do you think that was a mistake?”

“I think people make too much of marriage, sometimes.”

“I do too. I do too. I feel like. I feel like I could walk out of here and be a totally different person. I have nothing. Nothing of the me before I came here is the same, nothing is left. You know what I mean? I’m powerful, I’m empty, I’m lost, I’m nothing.”

“What do you mean when you say you’re nothing?”

“I mean that it doesn’t matter that I’m here. I am nothing. I could be here or not and it wouldn’t make any difference.”

“But it does make a difference. You do make a difference. Just by being you.”

“I don’t know, Dr. G. I’m not sure I agree with you.”

“That’s ok. We don’t have to agree.”

---

I had made new friends. I had met a girl named Mindy, and Mindy was a freak. She liked to go to Hollywood parties, not the kind Sarah threw but slightly more upscale parties. I took Caroline a few times and then Mindy and I started going out together. Ben liked her, I’m sure in all the wrong ways. We never had fantasies about her or fucked while we talked about her but I never knew the moment when she might pop up as part of Ben’s repertoire. Or who knows, I might use her myself.

Ben loved it when I came home late. He loved it when I got lost and couldn’t find my way back and had to call him from dangerous intersections late at night. He rarely came along to these parties. When he did he stood in the corner and watched me socialize. He had nice suits, and he looked good when he came out, but parties were never his thing. It was more fun for everyone if Mindy and I went out and Ben stayed home. For all I knew he and Caroline were fucking. I didn’t care.

“Where are you going tonight?”

“I’m going to the Arclight.”

“With Mindy?”

“Yes. We’re going to watch a film. A very naughty one about a girl and guy who meet on a river expedition, something.”

“What time are you going to be home?”

“I have no idea.”

“I think I better come with you, this time.”

“Why ‘this time’?”

“I just think I should come.”

“Why, Ben? Ben. Why.”

“I just want to. Can I come along with you?”

“Do you have to?”

“Do you not want me to?”

“No, Ben, I mean come if you want to. We’re just going to watch a movie.”

“I kind of want to see it.”

“Because it’s naughty.”

“No, I don’t care if it’s naughty, I just want to get out of the house with you, see a movie. Like we used to.”

“Do you ever think about having babies?”

“No. Why?”

“No reason. Well. Can you be ready to go in 10 minutes ’cause we’re late.”

“No problem, babe.”

---

If there’s one thing you should never call me, it’s ‘babe’. I hate that name. Babe is a cow you’re taking to the state fair. I am not a cow.

I was fine with Ben coming with us. I wish he had decided a little sooner, but. Not a problem. I called Mindy and let her know we were running late. She was meeting us there, it wasn’t a problem, and before you knew it me and Ben were out the door.

---

We met Mindy for drinks at the Hungry Cat. They have these real fine citrus drinks there, all made fresh. It’s an amazing little place.

Mindy had met Ben before but they had never really talked. Mindy asked him about his work and Ben was telling her about his editing work for the studio when I said, “Tell her about your film.”

“What film? I’m not working on any film.”

“The film you started, that you’re thinking about.”

“Lacy.”

“No, this is practice. You have to get used to telling people about your film. Tell her.”

“There’s nothing to say, it’s.”

“Tell her the idea.”

“Is this ok?” Ben asks.

Mindy says, “It’s fine.”

“Well. It’s a parody. Of documentaries. It’s. A documentary about a documentary about the making of a documentary.”

“I get it.”

“Yeah. So we made this in college, me and my friends. And Lacy thinks. I should redo this as a short film out here.”

“You should! So what have you done on it?”

“He’s done nothing. You’ve got to get on this baby!”

“I will. I’m going to have these guys over and work on the idea. For the remake.”

“Do it. Do. That’s a great idea,” Mindy says.

I suddenly wonder where Caroline is. I decide to call her. I get up from the table, laying my hand flat with my finger pointed, next to my drink, maybe to try and keep it from getting up too. And I go to the bathroom.

---

“Caroline?”

“Hey.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Come out for drinks with us.”

---

It’s the movie theater before we all get hooked up. Caroline, me, Ben, and Mindy. If Tosh and Mike were out here yet I’d have them here too. We get our tickets. Then we go to the bar. There’re a couple of these private little tables behind this curtain, we get one of those. This is where I start drinking.

I mean I had been drinking at the Hungry Cat. And I had drank at home that night, before we came out, just a little bit. But the bar at the Arclight at our little private table is where I really start drinking that night. And I wish I never had, because look what happens.

---

First we drink wine. Ben orders that. Then we all switch into free-agent mode and everyone’s going up to the bar and ordering their own stuff and coming back to sit at the table. Caroline and Mindy are laughing hilariously and I guess so am I. Ben is grinning his ass off at those two girls and occasionally looking over to grin his ass off at me, too. So I switch to my standby. 151 and Cokes. And I know I shouldn’t do this, ’cause I know what happens to me when I drink them, or at least I did. Because what used to happen to me and what happens now are two different things.

I think Dr. G. was trying to warn me, when I was telling him I thought I could walk out of my life, that that was scary talk. I was saying I had nothing, that my life had totally changed, and he was telling me that people need something to hold onto. I didn’t realize that the thing you held onto could be as simple as Ben or Caroline or even Mindy on a good day. I was letting go of all of them, and I didn’t know that a person needs to be tied down, in some way, to other people and routines and a home. Gabby Gabby was my best link to reality, looking back. It wasn’t Ben. It wasn’t anyone I knew. It was that dog, and in times to come I would miss her more than anyone else I knew.

“What is this?”

“It’s your drink.”

“Why’s it full?”

“I got you another.”

“I thought we were free-agenting this motherfucker.”

“We are, but I free-agented this motherfucker for you!”

“Thank you don’t you know I’m on prescription medicine that means I shouldn’t drink.”

“You don’t seem drunk.”

“I don’t feel drunk. That’s because of the prescription medicine I’m on. I could drink three more of these and not feel drunk but I would still be drunk.”

“Do you want me to take this back?”

“No no no. Don’t be silly. Just, everyone, please, go free-agent yourselves some motherfuckers so you can seemingly keep up with me. Am I drunk? I might be. Do you want to hear what it sounds like when I’m drunk? I sound like this. Very, very, serious. Caroline knows.”

“As long as you can see the street signs.”

“As long as you can what? Shut the fuck up Caroline. You know your ass is just as drunk as mine.”

“Are we ready to go see this movie?”

“You go see it.”

“Lacy, you ok?”

“Just because I don’t want to see some stupid movie about a girl who buttfucks a guy on the rapid river while she’s sunbathing doesn’t mean I’m not ok.”

“Lace.”

“You guys go and see it.”

“Aren’t you coming with us?” That’s Caroline. So sweet.

“I’ve changed my mind and will be sitting at the bar. You can take my keys. I’ll be right here.”

“Should we go home?”

“Who are you talking to? You and me?”

“Yes.”

“Fine, I’ll watch the movie with you. If you insist.”

“That would be nice. Can we get her some water?”

“No, no, if you get me water I’ll be peeing the whole time. Can’t have that.”

“We’ll sit in the aisle.”

“No we won’t because it’s assigned seats. Now if you can’t tell me that, and I can tell you that, then who’s drunk?”

---

I was tired of talking to any of them. We sat down in the movie, and we had seats toward the front. I couldn’t watch it. Couldn’t concentrate. The alcohol had made me angry but I wouldn’t pass out due to the Adderall. Adderall had been keeping me up later and later, to the point I wasn’t sleeping certain days. I had had periods of light sleep before, but with Adderall I had to take pills to sleep. And after a few weeks those had stopped working and I was just up.

I tried closing my eyes. Tried covering my ears by leaning one side of my head into the plush seat and putting my hand over the other one. Tried leaning up against Ben. Wished I could take a nap. We had left our drinks in the bar area and there was some discussion about me having too much which I didn’t appreciate in front of Mindy. Mindy and I knew how to drink. We always did, together. I had never had maybe this much but it’s not like I was the only one drinking. We were all drunk.

I took my phone out of my purse and texted Tosha. But she didn’t answer. It was too late in Ohio. I kept hold of my phone, slipped it inside the top of my dress. Then I walked out of the movie theater, right out the emergency exit at the front, where the screen is. Left Ben and them sitting there, didn’t say bye, didn’t go out the usual exit but went right out the emergency exit and into this bright hallway with wide, wide concrete stairs. I sat down at the top. Called Sarah. The place was lined with boxes, a fire extinguisher here and there, doors to other theaters.

“Sarah?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to talk I mean I need to talk.”

“About what?”

“You seem like you would know. I’ve come to the end of my rope. With Ben. I mean I don’t want to get a divorce, that’s not what I’m calling you about. I’m staying with him. But I can’t talk to these people. Mindy and Caroline. We need something more, I think. As people. We need something more. You seem to get that. That’s part of why I like you. You seem to get that, don’t you Sarah.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Yes but please don’t hang up. I need to talk with you. I think I need you in my life. Is that ok? If I say that? We know each other pretty well now. Tell me how you did it. How do you survive these people that are around you? Your ex.”

“Well I don’t do a very good job surviving him.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I can’t keep myself from having sex with him, even though I know I can’t stand him. I never even should have moved here with him, we should have been done in Montana so that’s. How well I have that shit together. What do you want more of, Lacy?”

“I don’t know. But I need it.”

“Maybe just needing it is enough for now. Where are you?”

“At the Arclight. We’re watching a movie. I left.”

“Is Ben and everyone still in there watching?”

“Yeah.”

“Well do me a favor.”

“What?”

“Don’t drink anymore tonight. It doesn’t make that other stuff. Any easier to deal with.”

“Ok, I won’t!”

“I have to go.”

“Bye.”

The call ended.

I stood up. I went down all these stairs, flight after flight, wondering when I was going to get to the bottom, and every floor was the same. Boxes, fire extinguishers, doors to other theaters. I was barely able to stand, but I went anyway. Held onto the rail. Sat down a couple of times. Thought about who else I could call. Needed to talk with someone. Then I got to the bottom of the stairs. There were two wide emergency doors. It didn’t say “Alarm will sound.” It was just these two, super-wide, green-painted fire doors.

I thought about all them upstairs. I didn’t have a plan. I just knew I could not sit in that theater any more and watch that movie and pretend that I was having a good time. So I didn’t go back.

I went to one of the fire extinguishers. I opened the door on the front of the box. I took out the fire extinguisher and I carried it with two fingers and my thumb, swinging it beside me.

I pushed open the door with my leg and stumbled onto the sidewalk.

---

LA. Nighttime. No one on this sidewalk but many people on the one ahead, the one that crossed this one. Cool air. Bright lights of the advertising, and the CNN building, nearby. A helicopter overhead.

I struggled with the fire extinguisher, pulled its pin. Then I gripped it in my hands and let off a huge plume, right on the side of the building.

People on the sidewalk up ahead, turned, but no one stopped.

I sprayed the building again, white cone of particles shooting out of the thing. Huge impact. The thing had power.

I wish I could tell you more of what I was thinking but that’s just it. I wasn’t.

---

I went around the block and went back inside the Arclight. Still carrying the fire extinguisher. People everywhere, people on the sidewalks. No one noticed. Cute girl, dressed in a white sequin dress, with a phone sticking out of where her bra would be, high heels, carrying a fire extinguisher. No one said a thing. I go past the ticket lines and right up to the bar.

There’s a seat at the end.

I set my fire extinguisher on the bar and sit down.

It’s still dripping. White stream flowing onto the bar. It makes a little puddle.

“Hi Mike.”

“Well hello, young lady.”

“I’m going to have a 151 and Coke, please.”

“And what is this you have with you.”

“It’s a fire extinguisher.”

“Well let me get that for you,” Mike says, and he wipes up the spot it made on the bar.

Still, my fire extinguisher sitting on the bar. Couple of staff members taking notice. Nods of approval.

“What happened to the movie you were watching?”

“Walked out.”

“Was it no good?”

“I have no idea, I wasn’t watching it. Tired of stuff, Mike. Just tired.”

“Can I ask where you got this?”

“Back hallway. There’s a million of ’em. Ripped it off the wall. Set it off in the side of the street over there. No. There. They really shoot off. Have you ever shot one of these things off?”

“No, I haven’t. Never needed to. I’ve had a couple of fires around the kitchen but nothing I couldn’t. Pot lid, you know? Did you say you got this from in here, Lacy?”

“Yes, I did. I stole it from your back hallway!”

“Well you know,” he says, “the first thing they usually do, when something like this happens, is check the cameras. So you might want to.”

“You think they might find me?”

“If I had to guess.”

“Ok Mike. I guess hold it on that rum and Coke.”

“Let me take care of this for you,” he says. And he takes the fire extinguisher off the bar. Sets it below somewhere.

“I’m outta this bitch!” I scream.

It echoes.

“We’ll see you soon, Lacy.”

---

It never occurred to me to go back upstairs and get back into my movie and go home with Ben when it was over. That was not an option. I was alone, I was out there, I had sinned against the Arclight and probably pissed off Sarah and I was sick of things anyway. I went outside the building and sat on a sculpted rock for a while, flipping through my phone, looking for someone to call. Then the rock became uncomfortable and there were too many people around for me to be sitting there alone so I walked over by this kind of garden area and stepped through a curtain of water drips they have there. I was beside the dome, between the dome and the rest of the building, and there was a place to sit with no one walking by. I was in this crevice thing, and I hoisted myself up and sat, and didn’t worry about my dress, and I sat with my legs apart. Then I dialed zero on my phone.

“Hello, operator.”

“Hello? I need to talk to someone.”

“What do you need to talk to them about?”

“I need help. Do you understand me?”

“Are you in danger?”

“No, not really. I’m in emotional danger!”

“Emotional danger. Don’t you have someone there you can talk to?”

“No. Don’t you have people to talk to? Like a hotline?”

“I have lots of different hotlines. I can get you someone from a. Are you being physically abused? Assaulted? Beaten?”

“No. Why. I’m not being beaten. I’m having an emotional crisis and I need someone to talk to about it right away!”

“You’re having an emotional crisis.”

“I’m thinking about hurting myself.”

“You are. Well I can get you to a suicide hotline.”

“Yes, please. Please do.”

“Hold on a minute. Are you in the Los Angeles area?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hold on.”

Then silence. While I’m waiting I think of random things. We need to get vodka at the house. And Gabby Gabby food. I need to take Gabby Gabby for a special walk. Take her somewhere even better than the dog park. Then I start thinking of darker things. How I’m fucked. How it’s impossible to break into acting in real films and how even I might not be attractive enough to make a go at it. How my voice is all over Los Angeles as the Taco Time girl and how that can’t be good for future auditions. Some casting director is about to work with me then realizes I’m the Taco Time girl? “Come in today to try our new Mexi-Fries?” That’s not good. Stupid, Lacy, stupid. You rush into a marriage, damage yourself with all this weird psycho fuck-playtime with Ben, you see a doctor who works out of a crack motel just because he gives you Adderall and yeah, maybe he is a good counsellor but come on. I’ve got to stop with the Adderall. Stop doubling up. Shit is the same as crystal meth, they say. Amphetamine salts. Yeah. But if I do have ADHD. Hard to tell. I got into this thing with the best of intentions. That just comes into my head. Some line from something. Pulp Fiction? Lines of movies are just coming into my head like they’re my own thoughts. Seriously something wrong with me. Should call Dr. Giggle in the morning. Cute man. How long do you have to wait on hold for a suicide hotline? What if someone is about to jump? They make them wait on hold for 10 minutes and give them time to think about it? I don’t know why I’m calling them anyway. Should hang up and call Ben, tell him to take me home. Sleep separate, whatever. I can’t deal with psycho shit today. I’m psycho enough myself! Ben and I need to cool it on the rape fantasies. That’s got to be a bad idea. But it’s the only thing that makes a day worth living, sometimes, besides Gabby Gabby. Some kinky sex that really gets me off? Feeling like an empty hole with Ben though lately.

“Miss?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to transfer you.”

“Ok. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Have a nice night.”

---

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“My name is Erica, who is this?”

“This is Lacy.”

“What’s going on with you tonight Lacy?”

“I’m having thoughts of I have to get out of here, like I can’t take this anymore, you know?”

“What can’t you take?”

“My life! Everything! What is the point of this?”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m outside. I’m near a movie theater. I’m in this little, place, beside a building.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Yes. I have! Is that a problem?”

“It’s just something I have to ask.”

“Yes I’ve been drinking. I’ve been drinking a lot.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“Why are you thanking me?”

“Some people don’t tell me all the details I need to know.”

“What other details do you want to know! I’ll tell you everything.”

“Can you tell me if you’re planning anything? Do you have a plan to hurt yourself?”

“Like what?”

“Do you have any firearms with you?”

“No, my gun is upstairs with my husband.”

“Does your husband know you’re having these thoughts?”

“I don’t know. I doubt it. I just came downstairs from the movie. He’s still up there, watching it.”

“So you don’t have the gun, with you?”

“No.”

“That’s good, Lacy, see, that’s good.”

“Have you thought about ways before that you might hurt yourself?”

“Well I wouldn’t shoot myself. I’d probably do it in a bathtub or something.”

“What would you do in a bathtub?”

“I’d probably cut myself, I’m guessing. But I might not do that. I just need a way out. Do you see what I’m saying? I cannot do this anymore.”

“Do you have a counsellor or someone you talk to?”

“I have a psychiatrist who does counselling. But he’s not available right now. That’s why I’m calling you.”

“Well I’m happy to talk with you, Lacy. But my primary concern is whether you’re a danger to yourself right now. Are you?”

“I don’t know how to answer that question.”

“Because if you are then I’d like to get you in touch with someone who can help you make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m out of control tonight. I stole a fire extinguisher.”

“How do you mean you’re out of control?”

“I mean I don’t know what I might do. I’ve done some things tonight that are out of character for me, like stealing this fire extinguisher and taking it back to the bar. And I shot it off in the street. I don’t usually drink this much, which is a problem, I know. I know I have to stop drinking.”

“Alcohol can loosen inhibitions, so sometimes it’s dangerous for people to drink when they have underlying desires to hurt themselves or do other harmful things. Are you drinking now?”

“No. I stopped.”

“So what do you want me to do? I can connect you with some people who might be able to help you, but only if you want me to. Do you think you’re really a danger to yourself right now? Do you want me to make this call for you?”

---

I waited around the courtyard at the Arclight. I felt like a homeless person, wandering around with nothing but my phone, my husband and friends all upstairs watching the movie. I kept looking inside, waiting for one of them to come out, looking for me.

I went between the open courtyard and the crevice place I had found to sit, out of the way. I felt like an animal going in and out of the crevice place, ducking under the curtain of water drops that had been placed there to give the place ambiance.

I looked inside, at the bar, and saw Mike bartending. The place was empty. I didn’t see why I wasn’t in there sitting at the bar. But then I found myself angry. Why would I want to be in there? Where you couldn’t steal a fire extinguisher and sit down. Damn Ben for not coming to look for me. Maybe I was driving him crazy. He was thinking I was out here flirting with another Sarah, not that I might actually be having a problem. Which I was.

I thought about going back inside, just taking my purse and going back to our sushi place or some other restaurant, sitting there until they all got done with their stupid movie. And I wish I had.

---

Cops pulled into the Arclight courtyard while I was back in the crevice thing. They got out, had their flashlights out, and were walking around asking people questions. I got down off the crevice and went to the water curtain. I thought about calling Ben. It was too late. The cops saw me and one look told them I was who they were looking for. They came over to me and I took out my phone and tried to look busy.

“Are you Lacy?”

I wanted to lie. I should have lied. But they’re the cops.

“Yes.”

“Can I talk with you a minute?”

“Sure, I guess.”

The one cop ducks behind the water curtain, standing tall beside me. The other one stays outside, occasionally looking at us, occasionally looking at the Arclight crowd.

“How are you doing tonight?” he says.

“I’ve been better.”

“That’s what I heard.”

We’re both nodding.

“I’m officer Braxton. You can call me William.”

“I’m Lacy.”

We shake.

“Do you know why I’m here?”

“Because I called a suicide hotline?”

“That’s right. What are you thinking about all that right now?”

“Nothing, I’m not thinking anything about it.”

“Why are you standing outside here in this fountain?”

“Because I need time to myself!” I scream.

The other cop turns to look at us.

“Do you own a gun?”

“Yes.”

“Is it with you?”

“No, it’s upstairs with my husband.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. It’s in my purse, my purse is on the floor of theatre ##11 in that building.”

“You’re sure you don’t have your purse with you.”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“What is. Back there?”

“That? It’s just this little crevice thing. You can sit up there. I’ve been sitting up there.”

“Are you waiting for the movie to end? For them to come out?”

“Not necessarily,” I say. “Like I said I needed some time to myself.”

“Do you mind if I stand here talking with you?”

“No. Are you going to arrest me?”

“No. Have you committed any crimes that I should know about?”

I laugh. “No.”

“Then I’m not going to arrest you. Were you worried about that?”

“A little. When you pulled up. What’s he do? Is he like your silent partner?”

“Tracy, you my silent partner?”

“Your name’s Tracy?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“He’s not my silent partner he’s just keeping us safe.”

“You want to come back to the car, get out of this water, and talk more there, Lacy?”

“Not really.”

“That’s fine, that’s fine. I can see why you wouldn’t want to just jump in the back of a police car. I wouldn’t want to do that either. But you have to consider. You’re standing in the middle of a fountain, got me standing in the middle of a fountain, and you’re barefoot with nothing but your phone.”

I look down at my feet. I am barefoot.

“My shoes are right over here. They’re in my crevice thing.”

I make a move to go over there.

“Hold on. You want your shoes? Why don’t you stay here and let me go get those shoes.”

He goes back into the crevice and gets my shoes.

“Did I leave anything else back there?”

“No.”

He keeps my shoes, holding them by their buckles.

“Why did you call that suicide hotline, Lacy?”

“I needed help.”

“I think you did a good thing, to call it. I think that was a smart choice.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Yes I do. Tracy and I, we’re here to help you. And if you want, I’ll stand here in this fountain with you all night to talk about what’s going on with you. I want you to know that.”

“Well, thank you. I appreciate your coming. I don’t know what I have to say and I think really I need to talk to a psychiatrist.”

“I agree again! I think you’re right on the right track. I think talking to a psychiatrist would be exactly the right thing for you to do right now.”

“Well my psychiatrist is asleep. I can’t call him this late or I would have. He likes to go to bed early.”

“What I want to do, Lacy, is take you to talk to a psychiatrist, tonight. Someone who can help you. Because you’re obviously upset. And no one wants to see. I don’t want to see. You do anything that might hurt you. You did the right thing to call those numbers. They did the right thing to call us. Now I’m asking you to do the right thing and let us take you to the hospital, where there’s a psychiatrist to talk to you about whatever’s going on with you.”

“Ok.”

“You will.”

“As long as you’ll let me keep my phone.”

“You can keep your phone! Definitely. Keep your phone. Now. Do you think you’re ready to step out of here and go over to the car?”

I nod.

“Ok. Come this way. I’ll keep your shoes. We’ll set these in the back with you. Tracy, let’s go.”

William helps guide me through the water curtain. Tracy goes ahead and opens the back seat of the cop car.

“Now,” William says, “I hate to ask you to do this. But I can’t have anyone sit in the back seat of my car without putting handcuffs on them. What I’m asking you is if you don’t mind me putting these on you, just until we get to the hospital. I wouldn’t be arresting you. This is not an arrest. We’d just be putting these on you so that we’re following the rules. Is that ok with you, Lacy?”

“Yes.”

He puts them on me. They’re tight. I remember back, loving something about the parental nature of all this. Like I was being taken care of, finally.

He puts me in the cop car. I’m looking around at all the people looking at me, wondering what horrible thing I’ve done. People out on a date to the movies, getting to be a part of some delicious Hollywood news. Starlet arrested at movie theater.

Then, in the faces, I see Ben’s, and he’s coming toward me. He’s holding my purse. He’s knocking on the window of the cop car and they’re driving away. I kiss the window and close my eyes, struggling to get my hands up, but I can’t.

---

I was starting to sober up in the cop car. At least I thought I was. Starting to wonder why I had let William and Tracy take me with them, and starting to realize that this hospital they were taking me to was not close by. We got on one freeway, then another, and we were cruising at around 90 miles an hour. William and Tracy were talking, low, so I couldn’t hear them, and I didn’t feel like I was part of it anymore. Their radio was on, and that seemed to be the center of their discussion.

I interrupted only once. I asked,” Where are we going?”

And they said, “Westlake.” We’ve got to get you to Westlake. We found this crazy girl in a fountain and we took her away. She wasn’t even wearing shoes! I wondered how I was getting home that night and imagined Ben having to drive all this way in my puma.

Then we were there, took an exit off the highway and a few turns later, went through a black iron gate that said “Westlake Retreat.” I was excited we were there. I don’t believe how naive I was. I really thought I was leaving that night.

3

They were true to their word and took the handcuffs off when we got there. William walked me in while Tracy sat in the car. We went through double doors and up to a reception desk. William and I did some paperwork, and I was saying my goodbyes to him and he was wishing me well and gave me his card and told me to call him when I got out to let him know I was ok. I told him I would call.

Then a nurse was bringing me into admissions, this long hallway with offices on both sides. She sat me down and left me there. Another nurse came and stood before me.

“I’m Marianne.”

She held out her hand.

I shook it.

“I’m Lacy.”

She sat down in a chair beside me, at a small desk.

“What’s going on with you tonight?”

“I’m lost,” I sob. Being left here by William made me feel scared. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?”

“I guess I am.”

“What are you thinking of doing?”

“I’ve had thoughts of cutting myself in the bathtub.” I exhale. “That was hard to say.”

“It’s ok. You’re in a safe place. You can tell me, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Do you have a history of cutting?”

“No.”

“Have you ever had a suicide attempt before?”

“No.”

“Any history of mental illness?”

“No. I don’t know. I have depression, does that count?”

“That counts!”

“Any substance abuse? Alcohol?”

“I drink.”

“About how much? Per day.”

“Sometimes up to five drinks. Sometimes more.”

“And when you drink, what do you drink?”

“Rum and Cokes. Or gin.”

“Do you drink rum and Cokes and gin in the same day, or is it just. One or the other.”

“Usually it’s just one or the other.”

“Any other drugs?”

“No.”

“Pot?”

“No. Pot was never really my thing.”

“But you’ve smoked it.”

“Some in college.”

“Any other drugs.”

“Nothing that I can think of.”

“Take prescription medication?”

“Yes. I take Celexa. And Adderall.”

“Diagnosed ADHD, too?”

“Yes.”

“What’s the dosage on the Celexa?”

I tell her.

“Have any prescription medication on you?”

“No.”

“Did you bring any clothes?”

“No. I didn’t exactly know I was coming here.”

“That’s ok. It’s best to travel light. The way you’re doing it. Is the way to do it. Believe me. Some people come here with two suitcases full of clothes. I think it’s better not to bring anything. Just what you have on ya. Keep your focus on what you’re doing here. Any medical problems?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Heart problems?”

“No.”

“Diabetes, anything like that?”

“No.”

“Have any brothers or sisters?”

“No.”

“Parents together?”

“No, they’re divorced.”

“Are they both alive?”

“Yes.”

“In contact with your mother?”

“Yes.”

“Have a good relationship? You close?”

“Yes. We’re close.”

“What about with your father?”

“Not close.”

“Talk to him?”

“He’s. Busy.”

“You married?”

“Yes.”

“Any children?”

“No.”

“What do you do for work?”

“I’m an actor.”

“You working?”

“Here and there.”

“Any other employment?”

“No.”

“What’s your highest education?”

“I have a degree in theatre arts from Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio.”

“Bachelor’s degree?”

“Yes.”

“I noticed you came here in a police car. Any legal trouble?”

“What do you mean?”

“Pending arrests, warrants, any trial dates?”

“No. I’ve never been arrested.”

“That’s good. So Lacy I’m going to get your blood pressure and use this little thing to take your temperature, then we’re going to get your height, a few things like that. Then I’m going to get you over to Paul, the physician’s assistant on duty. You can talk to him a little and then Angie’s going to do your paperwork. We’ll get you out of here and upstairs as soon as possible, but our process takes a little while. I’m also going to need a urine sample. Do you think you might be able to do that?”

---

“Hi Lacy, I’m Paul. If you want to have a seat over there. Thank you. This is Missy, she’s in training. Do you mind if she sits in and does part of our interview today?”

“No.”

“Ok, thanks. We’re just going to ask you a few questions, this is a standard admitting interview, then we’re going to get you changed into some sweats, then we’ll get you over to Angie to do your paperwork, then we’ll get you upstairs as fast as possible.”

Paul nods to Missy, and Missy reads from a computer screen.

“So what brings you in tonight?”

“Tonight just went wrong for me.”

I’m waiting for her to ask her next question but she just sits there. She’s got pert little titties and she’s not much older than 18 and she looks very, very nervous.

“I’m mixed up,” I say. “I’m lost. I have no idea what to do. I thought I was doing ok but I knew I really wasn’t.”

“Did you have thoughts of suicide?”

“I don’t know if I would ever really kill myself, but I did have some thoughts. I’m just confused. I just don’t know.”

The girl types my answer into her keyboard. I like the look of her face. It’s pure, innocent. She looks like a girl I would like to kiss. Or at least hold her next to me.

“Are you having any homicidal thoughts?”

Paul adds, “Thoughts of hurting others?”

“No.”

The girl enters that into her keyboard. She types the keys with precision, like each one matters. She’s still young.

“Are you hearing any voices? Seeing things that others aren’t seeing? Any obsessions? With your ADHD, how bad are the symptoms currently? How long have you been seeing your current psychiatrist? When you have depressive periods, how long to they last? Any euphorias? Uncontrolled outbursts? Singing? Yelling? Running? Any muscle tremors? Twitching? Any sweats? Have you been sleeping? How long each night? Any paranoid thoughts? Thoughts that others are out to get you? Do you think people are reading your mind? Is anyone controlling your actions or telling you what to do? Any thoughts of hopelessness? Despair? Futility? Any active suicidal thoughts? (Thoughts of immediately harming yourself.) Any passive suicidal thoughts? (Thoughts that, say, it might be ok if you didn’t wake up in the morning.) Any plan of suicide? Do you own any firearms? Would you be willing to sign this form that says you are not allowed by the State of California to possess firearms for the next two years?”

On and on they asked, Paul interjecting sometimes, Missy running the show. Then they got to the part where they try to determine if you know where the fuck you are at the present moment.

“Do you know what year it is? What day of the week. I’m going to tell you three things and in a minute I’m going to ask you to remember them. The three things are. Cat. Ball. String.”

“Cat. Ball. String.”

“Right. Who’s President right now?”

“Obama.”

“Who was the first President?”

“Washington.”

“What’s seven plus two?”

“Nine.”

“What’s one hundred minus twenty-two?”

“Seventy-seven.”

“Good.” That was Paul.

“What does the expression ‘don’t cry over spilled milk’ mean?”

“It means once something is over, there’s no reason to worry about it.”

“Yes,” the girl smiles. She clicks something in the computer. I think she’s genuinely happy that I got it right. I’m starting to forget where I am, answering all these questions, and I’m starting to enjoy myself again.

“So what would you do, if you found an envelope that was stamped and sealed and had an address on it?”

“I’d put it in a mailbox.”

The girl nods.

“Can you tell me the three things I told you a minute ago?”

“Cat. Ball. String.”

Very good. Big smiles all around. They’ve determined I’m cogent. Then I start to wonder what I’m doing here.

“Now we’re going to bring you over here and do a basic physical examination, ok?”

Paul stays behind Missy. Missy has me hold out my arms, press against hers. Then she repositions her arms and has me press a different way. We do the same thing with my legs, with my feet, with my back, leaning forward and then back. Then Missy is in my face, with her light, looking in my eyes. I can smell her body, and she smells good. When she touches me I get this doctor feeling I always used to get in the doctor’s office when I was a kid. I wish she would get closer, and touch me more. I wish I could reach out and touch her, but it’s against the rules. She puts her hands on my face, on my forehead, on my temples, on my cheeks, under my jaw, on the sides of my neck. She’s asking me things, and her voice calms me. I’m definitely sobering up now.

Soon they have me undressing, which Paul turns his back for, and I have my silver dress on the examination table and Missy’s giving me sweatpants and a sweatshirt to wear. I wasn’t wearing underwear or a bra, so it’s just me and the sweat clothes. Missy puts my dress and shoes and my cell phone in a paper bag. They ask if I have any scars or tattoos.

I say, “No.”

Then they send me into the hallway, without my things, dressed in just their sweats, and they close the door.

---

“Ok, Miss. Anderson. Just one more thing to do. We’ve got to go through this stack of paperwork and then we’ll get you onto the unit. And I’ve got to take your picture.”

This was Angie, and she had a stack of paperwork about an inch high, which we signed one after the other, her explaining each one to me. There were insurance company forms, release forms for my psychiatrist, forms saying I didn’t want my mother to be involved in my treatment decisions but they could call her in case of an emergency, other emergency contact forms (I put down Sarah), then there were forms that said I was financially responsible for what was about to happen here, and there was even a form that allowed me to specify who I wanted contacted in the event that I was put in isolation. I imagined a cell with padded walls. Then I waived my right to have anyone contacted.

When it was time for her to take the picture I asked if I could smile. She said I could do whatever I wanted. So I smiled real big and even gave my fingers a bit of a kiss. Angie laughed when she saw my picture and she showed it to me. At the time I thought it was just the sweats but thinking back I have to admit that the person shown in that photo was a little wild.

---

Then I waited. I sat on a couch in the admissions hallway and waited for them to take me up. I thought about how as soon as possible I had to call Ben, and how he would be worried about me and would probably call the police to try and figure out where I was. He didn’t deserve to be worried by me. And maybe I wouldn’t worry him anymore. I thought about breaking up with him, then remembered we were married, and realized it would be difficult. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that, but, I don’t know.

There was a woman seated behind a circular desk at the end of the hallway. She came to offer me food, and I said no and laid my head down. I could see her legs, sideways, as she walked back to her desk. All the doors were closed, and I felt a loneliness in the pit of my stomach. Missy and Paul were in the room across from me, and I couldn’t hear anything over the wash of their white noise generator, but I wondered if they were talking about me, and what they’d be saying.

---

When they took me onto the unit it was Missy, Paul, and me. Paul led the way, Missy stood beside me with my paper bag of clothes. They both stayed close to me, I guess so I couldn’t get away. We went downstairs into the basement, then through a walkway whose ceiling was filled with pipes, past a gift-shop-looking thing that was closed, upstairs again, into an empty cafeteria, then into a locked elevator shaft where Paul had to use a key, then up the elevator onto the second floor.

When the elevator doors opened we were in a plastic cage. You had to open additional doors to get from the elevator into the hallway. Paul opened those. The three of us went down a dark hallway, past many closed and half-closed doors. One of them had a towel wrapped around the door handle in this weird way. There was an open room, with chairs and tables, where a man lay with his head down on the table and a girl had her journal out and was writing, wearing her pajamas. We went to the nurses’ station.

“Is this our admit?”

“This is Lacy.”

“Hi, Lacy, I’m John. Welcome to Tyler Two. How you doing tonight, Paul?”

“I’m alright. This is Missy, she’s in training.”

“Hi.”

“Hi. These her things?”

“Yeah.”

“Any contraband?”

“No. Just a pair of shoes you might not want out.”

“Why.”

“They’re high heels.”

“Let me see. Oooh. Yeah. Sorry, Lacy, but we’re going to have to keep those.”

“I’ll get them back.”

“Oh yeah. We just can’t let you keep ’em on the unit because they could be used as a weapon.”

“My high heels?”

“Yeah.”

“You think I would.”

“Not you. Not you. But someone could. We have to do this for the safety of the unit.”

“Alright then,” Paul says.

“Ok. Missy, nice to meet you.”

“Goodnight.”

“Lacy, you want to have a seat there I’ll show you to your room in a few minutes. Just got to finish up something here.”

I see where he wants me to sit. It’s a chair in the corner, with a blood pressure machine beside it. I go there. I sit. I think about how this is not looking like I’m going to meet with a psychiatrist. It’s looking like they’re going to house me here, maybe to see a doctor tomorrow. There’s no one around here except John, the girl writing in her journal, and dude asleep over there at the table.

I look at John. He’s wearing a rugby shirt. He’s bald. He sticks his tongue out when he writes, and he’s left-handed. He’s marking off some column on a clipboard.

“Ok? You ready?” he says.

And I’m not sure what I’m ready for, but I say, “Yes.”

---

John takes me to my room. He tells me that someone will give me a full tour tomorrow, when everyone’s up, which is around seven, seven-thirty.

“Do you drink coffee?”

“Yeah.”

“Well there’s coffee every morning around eight. It’s caffeinated till noon. After that it’s decaf. Usually it’s hot,” he adds.

He takes me to a room not far from the nurses’ station. The light switch is on the outside of the door. He flips it on and shows me inside.

It’s a box of a room, narrow and high, with a bed and a desk. No chair. There’s a foam cube next to the bed that could serve as a chair. One window, covered with steel grating. The door has a small window in it.

“If you need another blanket let me know. Do you want slippers?”

I don’t know what to say.

“Here, let me get you some things, deodorant and a toothbrush. And. What size shoe do you wear?”

---

After John and I take a trip to the supply cabinet we’re on the way back to my room.

“When can I get out of here?”

“Well, I don’t know. That has to be between you and your doctor.”

“When do I see my doctor?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Like. Early?”

“You’ll see a doctor every day,” he says. “You want your light off?”

“Yeah.”

He turns it off and leaves.

I go outside, watching him go back to the nurses’ station. The guy sleeping out there is snoring now. To my right is yet another plastic cage. I wonder who’s back there. Then I go back into my room and use the hall light to get into bed and cover up with the one blanket they’ve given me.

---

It’s hard to sleep in a psych ward. There are always people walking up and down the hall. There are doors banging. Those would be, most simply, the doors to the bathroom that people let slam closed unconscientiously on their way back to their rooms, although people do slam doors, too, because they’re angry. At night there are always people up, people in the main room playing cards or Yahtzee and sometimes they get loud, just forget that it’s 2am and other people might not want to hear their loud conversation from down the hall. So there are sounds to contend with.

But the worst thing about sleeping in a psych ward is the moment when you wake up, when you first realize where you are. You’re snug in bed, you have to pee, and you wake up to the knowledge that you are not snug in your bed, but that you are stuck in a locked floor of a building somewhere, and that you cannot and will not be getting out anytime soon. I’ve slept in a lot of psych wards.

The first time I was in one, though, the time I’m telling you about, was the worst in some ways, even though I was in better shape then, with my illness, than I have been since. The first time I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t even know I was going to a psych ward, when the police came. I didn’t know that that’s what happens when you call a suicide hotline. I know that now, and it’s probably irresponsible for me to tell you this, but now I never call suicide hotlines. Even if I need the help. Because I don’t want to end up back here.

That first night I kept waking up, and I’d be panicked because I hadn’t called Ben. I went to John and asked him if I could get my cell phone. I couldn’t. They might let me get numbers out of it in the morning. I would have to check with the day staff. John asked if I needed anything for sleep. I said no, just because I didn’t want to deal with him anymore, and I went back to my room.

By the time I did wake up, the shifts had changed, and it was already daylight, because by the time I managed to forget about Ben and Caroline and Mindy and that whole night, and by the time I had just about completely sobered up, and by the time I managed to get comfortable sleeping with someone coming by my door every fifteen minutes to check on me, I was so tired that no amount of checking and slamming and snoring could keep me up.

---

“Good morning Lacy?”

I peek out of the side of my eye.

“I’m David I’m one of the RN’s here. Can I take your blood pressure, check your vitals, it’ll just take a second.”

I lift my head.

“Just take a second.”

He’s got this New York enunciation, speaks very loud, not the type of voice you want to wake up to first thing in the morning.

He’s coming in anyway, he doesn’t care how I answer his question.

“You don’t even have to get up. Well it might help if you sit up. Just push up your sleeve here.”

I’m wishing I could hide, somehow, from having my arm touched by this man.

“I heard you got in last night. Someone will be by to give you the full tour, I’m sure. I trust you slept alright?”

“I’m. Not sure I did.”

“Well, that’s ok. You’ll sleep better tonight. Your first night here. Is. Well it can be a little bit rough. Do you like James Taylor? I love James Taylor. You know, James Taylor has a nice little song, I forget the name of it right now, but it has this line which I really love. It goes.”

He’s holding my arm now, tight, in the blood pressure sleeve.

“‘The secret of life,’” he says, “‘is enjoying the passage of time.’ This about that. Now there’s a man who. Well I won’t say he’s got it all figured out. To say any of us have it figured out is an overstatement. But listen to that. ‘The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.’ Anyway. There’s your blood pressure. You’re looking fine. Pulse is fine. Oxygen level is right at 99%. Can’t get much better than that. Come on out when you’re ready someone will get you your breakfast. Do you know where the nurses station is? It’s that big desk right out there. Come and find me later, I’ll be working in the med room, or it might not be me, it might be one of the other people who work here. It might be Bonnie. But anyways, we’re glad you’re with us, you’ll meet with your doctor today and I’m going to leave it at that. Good day young lady.”

---

I get out of bed. I’ve got a slight headache. Never was one to get hangovers. My nipples are hard due to how freaking cold this place is. I find my slippers. The size that fit me are colored blue. I had hoped to get a pink set but those were a size too small. I step out of the room holding the toothbrush they gave me. The toothbrush is about four inches long and it’s made out of this super-flexible material. I guess so you won’t stab anyone. I go up to the nurses’ station. The main room is buzzing with people now. Some are in sweats, like me, some are wearing street clothes. Breakfast trays are out, people are sitting everywhere eating, at tables, on the couch. I can see down the hall into another big room.

“Excuse me.”

“Do you need help?”

“Yes. Can I have toothpaste?” I hold up my toothbrush.

“Oh, you’re our new admit. What’s your name?”

“Lacy.”

“Did no one give you any toothpaste? Who was working last night.”

One of the other nurses answers.

“John.”

“Kara. Kara. Do you have a minute to give Lacy the tour?”

Kara comes over. “Of course.”

“Go with Kara. She’ll show you around.”

I go with Kara. I follow her.

“This is the laundry room. This is where the social workers are. This is the TV room. Or the day room, as some people call it. Here’s the telephone. There’s another one in the main hall. Do you have a phone card?”

I’m looking at Kara. I can’t tell if she works here or is a patient.

“It’s ok if you don’t. Someone will help you out. Or you can get into your wallet if it’s in contraband.”

“I didn’t bring a wallet.”

“This is the kitchen. It’s locked now during the days which is bullshit, I mean certain times you can get in.”

Kara’s walking down the main hallway. We’re going past the med line. She shows me the bathrooms, both of them. Then she takes me to the end of the main hallway and that’s the end of the tour. There’s not that far to go. Just two hallways, making a T. Nurses’ station where they come together. And the plastic cage at one end of the short hallway, which is near my door, and which was mysteriously not on the tour.

I look down at Kara’s shoes. They’re not slippers. They’re regular shoes. But they don’t have shoelaces in them. She’s a patient.

---

Kara noticed me looking at them.

“That’s right,” she said, “you catch on fast! That is the quickest way to tell who works here and who doesn’t. You look at their shoes!”

“How do I get my cell phone?” I ask.

“You can’t have a cell phone.”

“I need to get my phone numbers.”

“They might let you look at it. Just ask at the front desk. If you need to make a phone call you can use a Watts line. See that phone at the nurses’ station. That one. Just dial 0, ask for a Watts line. But that’s only for treatment-related calls. If you need to make a call on the payphone you can borrow my phone card. If it’s a short call. Oh hell,” she says, “I’ll give you the code.”

She pulls out my hand. She writes on it.

“Dial 9, dial your number, then you’ll hear it go dtoo dtoo dtoo, then dial this, then press star. That’ll let you make phone calls for free. Don’t tell anybody that, ok? Somebody told me before they left. I’m leaving tomorrow. I figure it makes sense to pass it on. Here. What’s your name again? Let’s see if we can get your phone.”

---

I’m at the nurses’ station. Talking with Dawn.

“Did you get your breakfast?”

“What I really need is to get into my phone and get my phone numbers. I really have to call my husband. Let him know I’m in here.”

“Lacy, your husband already called.”

“He did?”

“Yep. He called this morning. You were still sleeping though so we didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Did you tell him I’m ok?”

“We’re not allowed to give away that you’re here, even to your husband, without your permission. Next time he calls do you want us to let him know you’re here?”

“Well he obviously knows I’m here. What did you tell him?”

“Whoever answered the phone would have said that we can’t confirm or deny that a person by that name is in residence here and asked if he wanted to leave a message.”

“Well, did he?”

“Let’s see. Mmm. Yes. Just that he called and he wanted you to call him back.”

“That’s why I need my phone. My numbers are in there.”

“I’m afraid I can’t get you your phone. It’s against unit policy.”

“Can I at least get my numbers out of there?”

“Hmm. Not right now. I’ll see if I can find someone to take you back there a little later on. Lacy, why don’t you get your breakfast. It’s eggs today. You want your tray?”

---

Next time I’m talking to a different nurse. This one’s name is Ella.

“So when do I see a doctor?”

“You’ll see your doctor. Sometime today.”

“Who is my doctor? Can I see him now?”

“Your doctor is Dr. Hunter. She’ll come and find you sometime during the day.”

“I really need to see her now.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to leave.”

“But you just got here.”

“I need to get back to my home. I have a husband. He’s not expecting me to be locked away in a mental hospital I thought I was coming here to see a psychiatrist to help with some problems I’m having.”

“Your doctor will talk with you about that. And the term ‘mental hospital’ isn’t really used anymore.”

“Well that do you call it? Mental institution?”

“Institution kind of implies that people live there.”

“People don’t live here?”

“No.”

“So where am I? What should I call this place?”

“You’re in Tyler Two. This is the Tyler building. We’re on floor two. And generally I like to call it a ‘mental health unit’. We’re about helping people get better.”

“Well I just want to leave. Can you help me do that?”

“You need to see your doctor.”

---

“You need to see your doctor” was all I could get anyone to say. And I couldn’t see my doctor, I had to wait for her to see me. Ben hadn’t left his number, I didn’t know it from memory, and I couldn’t get my phone out of contraband, even just to get the numbers out of it. I decided to give breakfast a try.

“I kept your tray right here, just in case you changed your mind,” Dawn said, when I asked her.

I sat in one of the armchairs in the main room, right in front of the nurses’ station, and ate by myself. There was a table I faced, where four guys ate together, and another table, with a guy and two girls. I tried the eggs. They were like McDonald’s eggs, except cold. I added salt and ate a few bites. I was still telling myself I’d be out by the end of the day. As soon as I saw my doctor, it would be bye bye Tyler Two and Westlake Retreat, back to Ben and maybe we could even go out this evening. I didn’t need to be here. I drank too much, is all. If I hadn’t drank too much, I wouldn’t have called the suicide hotline, they wouldn’t have sent the police, and I’d be laying in my bed at home with Ben beside me. So I didn’t eat much breakfast, because I didn’t think I had to.

Kara came by, continuing her duty of show-around-the-new-girl.

“We’re having community meeting in five minutes. Do you want to come?”

---

Community meeting was in the TV room. I sat next to Kara on a couch. There were windows that overlooked the front entrance to the Retreat, with the driveway my police car had brought me along. On the other side of the room were windows that faced a lake, fog still on it and birds landing on trees around its edge. There was a man standing on his tiptoes looking out the window toward the lake. He was wearing sweats like me, and had greasy brown hair and the growth of a beard. His breakfast tray was forgotten, on the table beside him, and he was mumbling almost silently, something I couldn’t understand. I realized the reason he was standing on his tiptoes was because above a certain level there wasn’t grating on that window, so you could look out without having your view blocked by wires.

Community meeting was run by David, the loud RN who had taken my vitals when I woke up. The first thing we did was read the “community statement of non-violence” which stated that we would not hit, hurt, yell, or otherwise be violent toward each other or the people who worked there. The statement was written on a pink piece of laminated paper that was terribly beat up. One patient volunteered to read it. She looked like she had been in a fight recently, or an accident. The whole side of her face was covered with bruises. Her hair was blown back, wild, and her eyes were wide open. She read the statement of community non-violence almost shouting, atonally, looking side to side as she did it.

“Thank you Faith.”

“Now we’re going to go around our circle. We have a few questions we like to answer each morning. They’re written on the board there. One. What is your name. That’s the giveaway. Two What’s your goal for the day. What’s something you’d like to do today, something simple, that you can measure, that you’d like to accomplish today. We ask that it not be go to all the groups or see your doctor, ’cause you’re expected to do those things. Alright. Moving right along. Three. A coping skill. What’s something you do that helps you cope. When you’re stressed, when life has got you down, what’s something that helps you. Some examples are drawing, some people here like to do art. Some people their coping skill is music. That’s one of mine. And finally, question number four, what’s something you’re thankful for. Who would like to start?”

Faith started. Her goal for the day was “not to go ballistic on staff members.” Her coping skill was “fighting” which David protested against and asked her for a new one, but which she couldn’t come up with one. Her thankful for was “people she had met in the Westlake Retreat.” She said all this with a sing-songy voice and then passed the focus to her left, back to David.

We went around in a circle like this, a misshapen one, based on the position of various chairs and couches in the room, skipping over the TV, which was on mute, playing SportsCenter, coming all the way around the room and finally getting to me.

“My name is Lacy.”

Everyone said, “Hi Lacy.”

“My goal for the day is to get out of here, as I didn’t really mean to come here. My coping skill?” I wanted to say drinking but I knew that wouldn’t go well. “My coping skill is acting and watching movies.”

Nods from several people in the room.

“And the thing I’m thankful for is that I have friends and a husband that love me.”

Saying that out loud choked me up a little, and I was glad my turn was over. I wanted Ben with me now.

Kara went next.

“My goal for the day is, well, I’m leaving today, so my goal is to transition out of here in a safe manner and get back to my kids. My coping skill is coloring. And it sounds cheesy but I really am thankful for the staff of the Westlake Retreat, for all they’ve done to help me while I’ve been here.”

Then they had some extra questions for her, because this was her last day, about what was the most important thing she learned here and stuff like that, but I wasn’t listening. All I could think was that my tour guide was leaving. The only person I knew, and she was already the first one leaving.

---

It was after group when Dawn came up to me. Her big eyes. “Lacy? Your husband is on the phone. Would you like to speak to him?”

“Yes!”

“Ok, I’m going to transfer him. You see that phone right there?”

“Ok, thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” Then this little hiccup of a laugh, and she’s going back behind the nurses’ station.

I sit myself in the chair inside this small phone cubicle built into the wall.

The phone rings.

“Ben?”

“Lacy. Are you alright?”

“Yes, except I’m locked inside this place.”

“I’m glad you’re ok.”

“Were you worried about me baby?”

“Yes! Mindy and Caroline too!”

“I’m so sorry! I fucked up!”

“It’s ok, baby, I just want to make sure you’re ok!”

“I’m ok, I actually slept here. I never should have drank that much.”

I’m banging my head, slowly, on the phone.

“I’m stuck here, they won’t let me see my doctor. I have to see a doctor before I leave. Can you come pick me up, today?”

“Of course I will.”

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“What do I have to forgive you for, Lacy, all I care is you’re ok.”

“I’m ok. I’m fine, actually, except that I’m stuck here. Where are you, are you at home?”

“Yeah, I’m home. What time do you want me to come get you?”

“I don’t know. But. Ben. Don’t go before I get your phone number. I can’t get to my phone, they’ve got it on lockdown, or something. Let me get something to write on. Oh fuck it.”

I already have ink on my hand. Grab the pen that’s tied to the wall. Scribble it underneath the phone code that Kara put there.

“Ok, go.”

---

I went back to the front desk. I had Ben’s number, I had a code to use to make free phone calls, now I just needed to get the fuck out of here. It felt like playing Zelda. Trip into town, get some supplies. Equip your character. Lot of hoops to jump through.

“I need to talk to my doctor.”

“Lacy, you’re going to talk with your doctor. Has she not seen you yet?”

“No.”

“Well she will. She sees every one of her patients every day. She’s going to find you, and you’ll meet.”

“I really just need to get out of here. Can I sign myself out or something.”

The nurse’s nametag said Steve. Steve came around to my side of the nurses’ station. He walked me to a chair. He sat beside me.

“You’re here, Lacy, on what’s called an involuntary hold. That means the doctor is going to have to clear you before you leave. You can’t just sign yourself out because you’re here involuntarily.”

“I called the police,” I say, “I called that suicide hotline. I asked to be brought here, I wasn’t brought here involuntarily. I wanted to be here.”

“Then why do you want to leave.”

“Because this isn’t what I expected. I expected to meet with a psychiatrist. Have I? No. I did not expect to share a bathroom with 10 other girls. I did not expect to be sleeping in a cell. Now is there a different doctor I can speak to, because I’d like to leave.”

“Ok, but.”

“I’d like to leave.”

“Usually there’s a thirty-six hour hold on people who come here involuntarily. I can check in your case to see if that’s what they have.”

“I’d like to leave today. As soon as possible. If not,” I say, “I’ll call the police and get them to bust me out of here. You can’t keep me here.”

“I’ll go see how the hold is written in your case.”

“Thank you.”

“You might consider. Let me ask you to consider. Lacy. That you need to be here. This is a safe place. You’re here because you called a suicide hotline.”

“I didn’t even mean to call them!”

“But you did. For whatever set of reasons, you did. What if you just go to some groups, wait till you see your doctor, and give it a day or two. You’ll be out of here soon enough. This is a short-term unit. We don’t keep people here long. The maximum stay is usually a week. In some cases longer, but. Let me get you the group schedule. I’ll bring it to you. Ok?”

While Steve was getting the group schedule I was listening to David, behind me, taking someone else’s vitals. He was telling that same story about James Taylor and his lyrics about ‘The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time’. I couldn’t tell if I was annoyed or endeared by hearing the same story twice, but I listened anyway, listened to every word. And in a second, Steve had come back with a photocopied sheet with the day’s group schedule on it. 10:30 Creative Expression (on unit). 11:30 Lunch. 1:30 Substance Abuse Recovery. You had to be kidding me. I thanked Steve, but I wasn’t going to these groups.

---

I called Ben. The phone code worked.

“Ben.”

“Yeah.”

“They say I might have to be here thirty-six hours. I don’t know if I’m going to have to, but I might. I’m so sorry about this baby.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“You’re so nice.”

I’m on the verge of crying.

“You’re so nice, baby, you put up with all my shit. You’re always so calm and I’m so terrible to you.”

“What are you talking about? You’re not terrible to me.”

“You’re just saying that but I am! I am. Oh, Ben, I can’t get anyone to do anything around here. They say I have to see my doctor but my doctor isn’t here.”

“Are the people nice?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you get breakfast?”

“Yeah but it was terrible. Can you bring me something? We should ask. You could bring me a real coffee.”

“They don’t have real coffee?”

“It’s cold.”

“Is there a microwave?”

“Ben they take away people’s shoelaces so they don’t kill anyone with them there’s no microwave.”

“So when do you see your doctor?”

“I don’t know! There’s no schedule. It’s not like I have an appointment. I just gotta wait around and see if she shows up!”

“Your doctor’s a she? That’s cool.”

“I guess.”

---

“Lacy, you going to group?”

I shake my head. I’m standing in the kitchen area, holding a styrofoam coffee cup, trying to convince myself that the coffee here won’t kill me.

“Creative expression if you change your mind,” Steve says.

“Thanks, Steve.”

This coffee bin does not have germs on it. It’s not infected beyond belief. Just because it’s in a mental institution doesn’t make it have special germs. I can drink out of this and survive. Etc. Talking myself up to it.

Then this girl comes in. It’s Faith, from community meeting. The one who read the community statement of non-violence. She goes up to the coffee container, hands shaking, and pours herself another cup.

“Are you waiting to use this?” she says.

“No.”

“Then what are you doing standing there with a coffee cup in your hand? Hee!” She shoots off a tiny laugh. “Whatsa matter, had too much caffeine?”

She is shaking incredibly, from her hands right up her arms. She sees me looking.

“My medication gives me tremors. Sometimes it gets really bad. Are you going to say anything or should I just stand here talking to myself ’cause talking to yourself gets really boring. I should know.”

“Hi,” I say, “I heard you read at the community meeting.”

“Oh yeah. The community statement of non-violence. That bullshit. I’m just kidding. I’m the most violent person in here. Which is probably why they let me read it.” She sing-songs her words. “What’s your name?”

“Lacy.”

“I’m Faith.”

She looks side to side, to make sure no one’s watching, then she gives me the finger and tells me to, “Fuck your granny like she ain’t never been fucked before. Better drink yo coffee. Get you nice and strong in case you have to come up against me. Better test me,” she says, “Better test me. Better test yo self! Bitch. That’s right. Be all up in my face standin there in the way of my coffee. You got in the way of my coffee. That’s my coffee bitch!”

She goes from I-think-she’s-kidding to starting-to-get-in-my-face-like-she’s-really-going-to-fight.

“Faith!” That’s some nurse from behind the desk. “Faith, watch your language.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!” Faith screams.

She’s swinging her arms, approaching the nurses’ station.

“Faith!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH! ARE YOU GONNA STOP ME? WHO’S GONNA STOP ME? ARE YOU?”

The nurse comes around the desk and sits Faith in a chair. Faith immediately pops up. The nurse stands in front of Faith and is making calming motions. Faith must be eighteen, nineteen. I’m watching her reluctantly sit down, just barely following the nurse’s instructions.

I look at the clock. It’s 10:35.

---

I’m lying on my bed when someone comes by.

“Level green, we’re going to lunch. Lacy, are you a level green?”

I lift my head.

“I don’t think you’re level green yet, you just got here didn’t you.”

The woman is consulting her clipboard.

“Yeah. Sorry. Still level red. You’ll be level green in a few days, then you can go down to lunch.”

I put my head back down.

I’m staring at the ceiling.

---

Knocking.

“Hello? Lacy. I’ve got your meds.”

I sit up.

It’s a thin woman with pink hair. Her name tag says “Bonnie.” She comes right up to me and hands me a cup of water, then a tiny cup with one pill in it.

“What is this?”

“This. Is librium. Should help with your alcohol withdrawal.”

I almost tell her I’m not having alcohol withdrawal but then I just shut up and take the medicine.

---

“Lacy, you want your lunch?”

It’s Dawn again. She has my tray with her.

“Yes, please.”

“Right here?”

She sets it on the desk.

“Thanks Dawn.”

I go over to it. It’s a hamburger, with fries, and a chocolate milk. I feel like I’m in grade school. I remove the top bun. Smell the patty. At least there’s ketchup.

“Do you want mine?” I hear.

I look to the door.

There’s a woman in a walker moving her tray to her room.

“I ordered special and I don’t feel hungry at all,” she says. “I ordered this chicken pita wrap would you like it?”

I go over to her.

“What’s your name?”

“Janice. What’s yours?”

“Lacy.”

“Oh yes,” she says, “I saw that on your door. I thought to myself, ‘what a nice name’. Lacy. Well Lacy. Would you like this chicken pita wrap?”

“I don’t want to take your food.”

“You wouldn’t be taking it,” she says. This woman has the nicest voice. She’s moving from her walker to her bed and I step into the hallway to follow her. She’s old, maybe in her seventies, and she has the sweetest face, and she’s small, like me.

“I couldn’t help but overhear,” she says, “them giving you librium.”

“Yeah.”

“Well that means you’re like me,” she says. “I’m an alcoholic.”

“I was drinking before I came here.”

“So was I. My husband doesn’t know about my drinking. I keep it a secret. Do you have a husband, Lacy?”

“Yes, I do. We drink together.”

“But he’s not an alcoholic, is he?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m one”

“Well I’m one,” Janice says. “I can admit that now.”

With every word she says her frailty comes through.

“So. Do you want my chicken pita wrap?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Aww. That’s so sad. A pretty girl like you should have her lunch.”

---

“I’m supposed to say I’m sorry.”

It’s Faith, at my door.

“I’m sorry I called you a bitch and disturbed you while you were getting your coffee.” Deadpan. Noncommittal.

She has a squeezy toy in her hands and it tossing it back and forth.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel unwelcome. I do that sometimes. I make people feel unwelcome. It’s not intentional. I don’t mean to be like that. But I do. I know I do. So. I’m sorry.”

She tosses the squeezy toy a few more times then starts to go.

“Faith.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t care if you called me a bitch.”

Her face brightens. “You don’t?”

“No. You can say whatever you want, it doesn’t get to me, I know you have a need to say what’s on your mind.”

“I really do.”

“I can see that. It’s ok.”

“Aww. I want to hug you. I want to give you a big hug.”

“Ok.”

“You would? You really would. Aww! I want a hug!”

I hold my arms out to her.

“But we can’t. We can’t! There’s a no touching rule. Even among staff. I can’t invade your personal space and you can’t invade mine. But you can give me an air hug!!”

“What’s an air hug?”

“It’s where you go like this.”

She holds out her arms in a open circle, with nothing inbetween them.

I do the same.

“Air hug!”

“Air hug!”

“You don’t know anything do you?”

“Not really. What are the levels?”

“Oh you mean like level red, level yellow, level green?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s if you can go outside. Or to lunch. OR TO THE GIFT SHOP!” she yells down the hallway. “What’s your level?”

“Red.”

“Duh. My bad. Of course you’re level red you just got here. They’ll probably bump you up to green after you’ve been here a while.”

“What level are you?”

“Red.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Three weeks. But don’t worry. You’ll be on level green in a few days. I’ve been in ALSA.”

“What’s that?”

“That’s where they keep the crazy people. Wait. Why are you here? If you don’t mind my asking.”

---

I told her, and Faith thought it was hilarious. I hadn’t done anything, to her way of seeing.

“And now they’ve got you here.”

“Yeah.”

“With the likes of me.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey!”

I was about to ask her what she’d done to get here but do you know who came by? My doctor. Just the woman I had been waiting to see all day. I didn’t know she was a doctor at first, she looked more like an Olympian, with an Oakley-looking clipboard and a swimmer’s watch. She came into the room around Faith, who was standing in the doorway, per regulations.

“I’m Dr. Hunter. Faith, can you give us some time, please?”

“Alright.”

Faith begrudgingly goes on down the hall.

“Lacy, is it ok if we talk here?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Hunter pushes the door to. She takes my plush cube and sets it next to the wall. She sits. When she does her clipboard is almost in her face. Her knees are up, feet on tippy-toes.

I sit on my bed facing her.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hi.”

“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about what happened yesterday.”

“Nothing. I drank too much.”

“Mmm hmm.”

She waits.

“Lacy, this is going to produce the most value for you if you are as forthcoming as possible with me.”

“Ok, well, I drank too much and they ended up putting me here.”

Dr. Hunter makes this little connect-the-dots motion with her pen.

“But you called. It says. A suicide hotline. Why did you do that? Were you having suicidal thoughts?”

“I just needed someone to talk to.”

Dr. Hunter makes a note.

“Did you find that call useful?”

“Not exactly.”

“I’m not surprised,” she says. “What didn’t you find useful about it?”

“I needed someone to talk to about my life. They were just trying to get me off the phone. They wanted to make sure I wasn’t about to put a bullet in my brain.”

More writing from Dr. Hunter. I get the sense she actually wrote “bullet in my brain” on her piece of paper.

“Now, you’re married.”

“Right.”

“Can you talk with your husband?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well I guess I’m trying to get a sense of why you called a suicide hotline instead of, say, talking with your husband. It says you just moved to Los Angeles. Do you have friends here?”

“I’ve made a few.”

“Anyone you can talk to?”

“One, but. She’s busy. She likes to be alone.”

“How about you? Do you like to be alone?”

“I’ve been spending a lot of my time alone. I have a dog.”

Dr. Hunter makes a note. Then she looks up, looks at me.

“I probably spend too much time alone.”

“And what would make it too much?”

“I don’t know. I get into loops. You know? Like I watch the same movie over and over.”

“With your husband. Or.”

“By myself. During the day. When he’s working. I’ll watch the same movie several times in a row. Then the next day I watch the same movie again. Why am I telling you this?”

“You get into loops.”

“But why was I telling you about loops?”

“You’re telling me how you spend your time, and how some of it is alone.”

“I spend a lot of it alone. I go out with friends, I have Gabby Gabby.”

“Gabby Gabby?”

“My dog. I have her, I have friends, but lately I haven’t been able to relate to any of them. There’s a certain basic lack of understanding there.”

“And with your husband?”

“Also a certain basic lack of understanding. Is this enough to keep me here? I’m very thankful for your help and everyone here is very nice but I really just need to get home. Can we talk about that? I have to get back and work on my auditions. I have auditions I have to get to this week. Plus Gabby Gabby. Ben’s not used to taking care of her all the time and I don’t want to burden him with that while he has work and everything. I mean you can’t keep me here, can you? Can I leave today?”

Dr. Hunter sits back.

“You called a suicide hotline.”

“That’s just what they transferred me to from the operator.”

“All I have is the paperwork that you give us when you check in here. It’s my obligation as your doctor to keep you safe and it’s not exactly clear right now that you are. You own a firearm?”

“Yes I own a gun but I never use it. I would never use it. I wasn’t planning on hurting myself with my gun.”

“Who has it now?”

“Ben. He has my purse.”

“Do you have any plans to hurt yourself?”

“No. No. I never really did. I sometimes have thoughts about it but those are like highly-theoretical way-out-there kind of thoughts, like what-if, maybe-I-might, who-knows kind of thoughts.”

“You’re not having any thoughts of hurting yourself?”

“No.”

“Do you have any thoughts of hurting others?”

“No. I never did.”

“What about any theoretical, way-out-there thoughts?”

“For which one?”

“Either.”

“No. I just want to go home. I can’t sleep here another night. I need to get my clothes. I have to get back to my audition schedule.”

“You go to auditions?”

“Yes.”

“You’re an actor?”

“Yes.”

“What happens if you don’t go to these auditions?”

“I just don’t have a chance at getting the part. It’s my life. Going to auditions is my life right now, it’s the only thing that pulls me forward. I have to get back to my schedule. Please. Dr. Hunter. I didn’t mean to come here, I don’t need to be here, I. Just. Called a number I shouldn’t have. I ended up here. It happens, right?”

Dr. Hunter doesn’t say anything, so I continue.

“I mean everyone has suicidal thoughts, right? Who doesn’t want to kill themself sometimes. That’s normal, isn’t it?”

She lays down her clipboard.

“Basically, no. It is perfectly ok for you to feel whatever it is that you feel. And I’m not saying what that is. Maybe it’s a”minor” suicidal thought of the type you’re describing or maybe it’s a more major suicidal thought. But to have suicidal thoughts is not normal, no. It’s an aberrant mode of thinking, it’s harmful to you, and, if unchecked, can have permanent consequences for you and your family. So no, as understandable as they may be, and I’m not making any judgments on you by saying this, but, strictly speaking, suicidal thoughts are not normal. Now what I want you to do is think back to last night and tell me what you were actually feeling, in your body, as body sensations, when you were feeling lonely enough that you reached out on the telephone for someone to talk to. Can you think back to what that felt like?”

“Before I called the. Number.”

“Before. During.”

“Ok. I felt. Emptiness in my stomach. Is this what you’re looking for?”

“Yes. Perfect.”

She has her clipboard back.

“I felt. A hollowness in my upper arms. Even in my hands and fingers. And I felt. Cold. In my back. And I felt a stiffness in my head. And in my neck. In my neck. I don’t know what but I had a feeling in my neck.”

“Think about it. It doesn’t have to be right now. But when you can, figure out what that feeling in the neck was.”

“Ok, that’s like something we’d do in acting. Memories in the body.”

“Yes! Exactly. Do you ever do yoga?”

“Sometimes.”

“Ever meditate?”

“A few times. Do you meditate?”

“Yes. Would you like to do some together?”

“Maybe.”

“Ok. I’m going to think about getting you out of here, Lacy, so you can get back to your auditions, but you have to be patient with me. My first job is your safety. And I need to understand a little better what was going on with you yesterday before I just send you back into the world.”

“Ok.”

“You remember how you said you’d watch the same movie over and over?”

“Yes.”

“When’s the last time you did that?”

“This week.”

“Do you know what movie you were watching?”

“Of course I do. It was La vie en rose.”

“Movie about a French singer.”

“About Édith Piaf.”

“Right. How many times did you watch that?”

“About nine, over a period of days.”

“About how many days?”

“Three.”

“Were you sleeping normally during this time?”

“I guess I was.”

“What’s your sleep like?”

“Some nights, pretty good. It’s mixed, you know? I have too many things in my head some nights and I can’t get to sleep. And. I don’t want to tell you this because I don’t want you to take away my Adderall, but you said to tell you everything, so. I think my Adderall is keeping me up some nights. When you ask about sleep, that comes to mind.”

“So when you say it keeps you up some nights, what does that look like?”

“Just some periods of days where I can’t sleep.”

“Can’t sleep at all?”

“Some days, yes, maybe three days in a row where I’m not sleeping at all. But many days where I sleep very little.”

“And are you taking your Adderall intermittently?”

“No, I take it regularly. I see why you asked that.”

“Why did I ask it?”

“Because you think Adderall isn’t the reason I’m not sleeping. I never thought of that. I always assumed it was Adderall that was keeping me up. But you’re saying that maybe it’s not?”

“Well it might not be. There could be some other reason. Do you find that sometimes you’re extra excitable? Have extra energy? And that other times you’re low energy? Were you feeling either one of those things last night?”

“Sometimes I get extra serious. Usually when I drink.”

“Do you use any other drugs? I know you put down no on your admittance interview but I need to know. It’s really important.”

“I don’t use any other drugs.”

“Ok.”

“You sound like you’re disappointed.”

“Just wanted to know. Do you ever spend a lot of money all at once, money you don’t have?”

“Who doesn’t.”

She makes a note.

“How are your thoughts right now, are they sluggish, racing, normal?”

“I guess normal. Maybe a tad sluggish.”

“How’s your interest in sex?”

“Normal.”

“Any unusual loss of interest in sex?”

“No.”

“I notice you take Celexa. Notice any sexual side effects from that? Difficulty orgasming?”

“No.”

“Any increase in appetite recently?”

“No.”

“Any sudden weight loss.”

“No.”

“Any crying spells?”

“I’ve been on the edge of tears more than usual lately.”

She makes a note.

“Any suicide attempts?”

“No.”

“Are you having thoughts of suicide now? Even just thinking about it.”

“Thinking about it? Yes. Just casually.”

I laugh.

“Is that bad?”

“Is what bad?”

“That I laughed. That I laughed at your suicide question. That I laugh when I think about suicide. Is that bad?”

“I would ask what your laugh means. You can laugh for many reasons. Are you laughing because you’re scared? Are you laughing because you’re feeling excited? That’s the kind of question I would ask. Now. Do you find you’re easily angered?”

“When people piss me off.”

“Do you have relationships with any celebrities?”

“Do I have any relationships with a celebrity?”

“Yes.”

“Not real ones. Not that I can think of.”

“Not real ones. Do you have any non-real ones?”

“Any non-real relationships with celebrities.”

“Yes.”

I take a deep breath. I’m not sure how crazy I want to let Dr. Hunter think I am.

I exhale.

I bust out laughing.

Dr. Hunter’s pen is poised right above the paper.

“I’m going to tell you this. But I don’t want you to tell anyone. Not that I need to be embarrassed about this, because I’m sure everyone does stuff like this. I think. But I sometimes pretend Lindsay Lohan is my sister, and we talk to each other in my head. But that’s not. Is that. Crazy?”

---

Dr. Hunter and I talked for about an hour the first day. When we were done she left me in my room with a promise that we would meditate together tomorrow, and that she would try to get me out of here as soon as possible.

I got up and went to my door. I looked down the hall toward ALSA, the door with the plastic cage over it, where Faith had been. Then I looked at Janice’s door, and inside, it, and her things were gone. New sheets were on the bed and the name tag on the door said, “Katrina.”

“Why did Janice leave?”

“Janice? I can’t talk with you about another patient.”

“Where did she go?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t talk with you about another patient Lacy.”

“Faith, why did Janice leave?”

Faith is coming out of the kitchen with her I-don’t-know-how-many-th cup of coffee. At least it’s decaf now.

“Who’s Janice?”

“The woman who was beside me. Walker. Older lady.”

“Oh her. She left because insurance.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her insurance wouldn’t pay. They said she had to be outta here. She just left. How was your meeting with your doctor?”

“It was good.”

“So are you leaving today?”

“It doesn’t look like it.”

“Is your husband gonna be mad?”

“How do you know I have a husband.”

Faith cracks up, her hand over her mouth.

“Same reason I knew. Your ass wasn’t leaving today.”

“Too bad you can’t have regular coffee,” I say.

“What? What? What did you say to me?”

“Did they invent that rule of no-caffeine-after-noon just for you?”

Faith puts her coffee cup on the floor.

“What did you say to me? Are you looking to get your ass kicked because I will come over there and I will.”

“Faith.” That’s one of the nurses.

“I will kick your ass, Lacy, I will literally kick your ass.”

“Faith, watch the language.”

“Do you wanna get your ass kicked?”

I’m nodding.

“Well you’re in luck.”

She’s approaching me.

“Because I am going to. Kick. Your. Fucking.”

“Faith! Watch the language.”

“Sorry Suzanne.”

“No problem. And don’t bug Lacy. She isnt doing anything to you.”

“Your insurance isn’t about to run out on me, Faith. Is it?”

Faith is picking up her cup of coffee.

“Don’t worry,” she says, and she almost puts her arm around me, but stops herself, looking back at the nurses’ station. “No one’s about to let me out of here. In fact, if you can get ’em to, I’ll owe you. At least. At least a pack of Skittles. Maybe a box of Starburst. Definitely some Combos. Deal?”

“Deal,” I say, and we air-shake on it.

---

I notice different things about myself staying in the hospital than when I’m on the outside. I think those are the things the doctors are looking for. You see yourself through their lens, when they’re asking questions to try and make diagnoses. And most importantly, when you’re in a mental hospital, you see yourself as someone who at least partially deserves to be in a mental hospital. Since you’re there.

Dr. Hunter’s point about Adderall not necessarily being the reason I wasn’t sleeping opened me up to a whole set of investigations about myself. Casting off the assumed reasons for things, looking deeper for other reasons. I was wondering why I had allowed them to transfer me to a suicide hotline. That was why I was here. If I wasn’t suicidal, would I have stopped the operator from transferring me to that number? I wasn’t suicidal, but I had hit a wall of not knowing what to do, and I had felt like I needed help. Mostly I had drank too much, and if I could change anything about the last week, it would be to not get so crazy drunk that I would have been calling the operator at all.

When you think about these things, you can talk yourself into and out of being crazy. I was standing barefoot in the fountain at the Arclight. Does that make me crazy? Maybe I just didn’t want to get my shoes wet. Maybe it would have been crazy to leave them on. But you know that colored the cops’ opinion of me. So it is important. It goes in your chart somewhere, and some doctor is looking at a description of you that either says, “found standing in a fountain” or “found standing in a fountain w/o shoes.”

The nurses mostly let you know what they were looking for. They would talk to me about it. Tell me that they were noticing I wasn’t sleeping and would I like some sleep medication. That was the first thing they noticed. John, the night nurse, did. I wasn’t going to sleep. I thought it was just because I was in a new place but they informed me that this, too, was not normal. People normally sleep, they said. You’re not. You’re up later than most patients, you wake up earlier. You’re out in the common room reading and arranging the furniture. No this is not common. Well what does it mean? Talk to your doctor. The nurses are just there to take notes and make sure you don’t kill yourself. Literally. They’re not there to diagnose you.

But what else did they notice? A lot of the time they didn’t have to say anything. Just the fact that they’re there. In real life you don’t have nurses standing around watching you. At the hospital, all you need is a facial expression from one of them and you start to see all the crazy things that you do, all the time. Like sitting on the floor while you’re waiting in the med line. It seems like a perfectly normal thing to do. You’re tired of standing, you need a break, you’d rather stare at people’s ankles than their faces, so you sit down. You don’t think anything of it. But then it’s your turn and a nurse is looking down at you from the med window, twisting their head, trying to figure out what you’re doing way down there.

Or bouncing around in the hallway, like a bunny. I first did it to entertain Faith, to try to keep her calm. It’s not even something I would do outside the hospital. Why would I? But in here, in certain circumstances, it makes sense. So I bounced around like a bunny a few times. And it felt good. And after a while I wasn’t doing it for Faith’s entertainment at all. I was doing it for me. Because I am a bunny. Inside. I am.

Of course all this time the doctors are looking at you and they’re reading notes from the nurses and they’re trying to figure out what is wrong with you. I had a diagnosis of depression with ADHD but Dr. Hunter was starting at the bottom, tossing everything off the table and building her own conclusion. I liked that. If I was going to be here, I deserved better than just someone repeating what my childhood psychiatrists and Dr. Giggle had said. Maybe Dr. Giggle was wrong about ADHD. They were trying me, in here, without the Adderall and I still wasn’t sleeping. They might take me off it altogether. And there had been some talk about the Celexa inciting mania? They were still keeping me on it but at half the dose. I wondered about the sexual side effects Dr. Hunter had mentioned. I’d been on Celexa so long that maybe I was missing out and I didn’t even know it. It’s supposed to decrease your sex drive and prevent you from cumming. I had no trouble cumming and if I could have a greater sex drive than the one I had now, I would be scared. But who knew. I was happy we were trying less.

I had no idea the diagnosis they were looking at. I’m not a psychiatrist. I just try to live my life, love Ben, and be as happy as possible. I knew I had depression (or thought I did) but I had no plans to let that get in the way of being who I am. If I had known what Dr. Hunter and the rest of them were thinking about me, I would have had them reverse time, put me back in the cop car, take me out of Westlake, drive backwards along the highway, drop me into Ben’s arms, and I’d never know about any of it. My life used to be so much simpler before that first trip to the hospital.

---

Ella rolled a cart to my room.

“What’s happening?”

“We’re moving you.”

“Where to?”

“A double room.”

“Did I graduate? You need this next-to-ALSA room for someone new coming in? Am I no longer considered a danger to myself or others?”

“You were never considered a danger to others, were you, Lacy?”

“Nope. Just to myself.”

“You don’t have a lot of stuff do you, Lacy?”

“Travelling light.”

“Least someone brought you some clothes. That was nice.”

“My husband. Yeah. He loves me.”

“Want me to help get these pictures off the wall?”

“Just be gentle.”

“I will. We’re putting you in room 224. So you’ll be on the long hallway. Little closer to the bathroom. Farther from the nurses’ station. Should be quieter down there, especially at night. This is a nice picture.”

“I did that in Wendy’s art class.”

“It’s very nice.”

“Thank you.”

“You seem like you’re in a good mood, Lacy.”

“I am.”

“You getting ready to go home?”

“Soon. When I’m ready.”

“You like Dr. Hunter?”

“She’s amazing.”

“Ok, well, let’s get you moved. I’ll be back in a minute. If you want to put your clothes on the bottom there I’ll go check and make sure your new room’s ready.”

---

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“Oh no. I ain’t movin’ into no room with this one.”

“Faith, what’s your problem.”

“I’m just kidding,” she says, “I’ll stay here.”

She holds out her hand to me and we air-shake.

“So you two are ok with this?”

“Oh yeah.”

“You know I’m just kidding yo!”

“Ok, Faith, you had me going there.”

“Well don’t be getting yourself goin’ now. This my girl. Right Lacy? Aren’t you my girl. Aren’t you my girl.”

I nod.

“This is my.” She almost says “bitch.” But she mouths it instead.

“Lacy, are you ok with this side?”

“Yes.”

“Faith, you’re going to be on this side. This room comes with responsibilities, Faith, you have to stay calm. You have to respect Lacy’s space. You have neighbors here, not like ASLA.”

“We had neighbors in ALSA.”

“You need to be quiet to respect people’s right to their own space.”

“Don’t worry, I’m going to be fine. I don’t want to go back to ALSA. Me and Lacy, we’re going to be best buds, aren’t we Lacy. You don’t have to worry about a thing. Now thank you, Ella, but we’re good now. You can just drive your little cart on down the hall.”

Ella has this look on her face like I’ll believe it when I see it.

“We’re not gonna have any problems, are we?”

“No,” I say, “I don’t see why we would need to have any.”

“Good. Cause.”

She steps close.

“Don’t make me kick your ass. I know you Lacy. You’re just the kind of girl that needs an ass-kicking. Don’t make me have to do it.”

“You forget,” I say, “that you sleep and I stay up all night. If anyone’s ass is going to get kicked tonight, it’s going to be yours.”

---

Ben came to visit me. He brought Thai food and we sat in the sun room and practically made out while we were eating it. I missed him so much.

“You’ve got to get out of here, baby, I need you.”

“I need you too, Ben. I’ll be out soon enough.”

“How many more days are they going to keep you?”

“It depends on Dr. Hunter. They say they’re working on a diagnosis.”

“What are they going to diagnose you with?”

“I, don’t, know. Maybe herpes.”

“Maybe the plague. I hope you have the plague.”

“That could make living with me rather difficult. Don’t worry about it. They’re working on it. They’ve got good doctors here, Ben.”

“I’m glad you trust them.”

I nod.

“I’m glad they’re taking good care of you.”

I nod again.

“I just want you out of here, so we can get back to our lives.”

“Our lives are going on. So I missed some auditions. You have your job. I just wish I could see Gabby Gabby. But we’re ok. Everything is going pretty ok.”

“You seem fine to me. I mean you don’t seem like you need to be in here.”

“That’s what I thought, too, at first. And I was doing even worse then. I’m making friends here, Ben. And I’m learning a lot in the classes.”

“You have classes?”

“Yep.”

“Like what?”

“Like. Coping skills. We learn things we can do to help us cope.”

“What do you do to help you cope?”

“I listen to the sound machine. It’s this little machine that plays sound effects for sleep. Like, rainforest, ocean, heartbeat. I like the ocean one. That’s one of my coping skills.”

“We need to get you one of those for when you’re not here anymore.”

“Thank you, baby!”

“I bet we could find it at Walmart.”

“Or on the internet. You know what, baby, I don’t want one of those. I just want to buy sound effects for my iPad, that way I don’t have one more thing to carry around.”

“We’ll do that. We’ll do that as soon as you get out.”

“Ok.”

“I miss you Lacy.”

“I miss you, too, Ben.”

“Lacy. I really miss you. I want everything for you to go ok in here, and I want everything for you to go ok when you get out. I need you. You realize, sometimes, how much you need someone. I need you to be ok.”

“I am ok, baby.”

“Well I’m glad you’re getting the help you need.”

“Me too. I’ll be out in a few days.”

“Ok.”

“Ok. Here. Give me a kiss.”

You weren’t technically allowed to kiss visitors but we did it anyway, a small one. It was necessary.

---

“So I told this bitch I was like if you don’t shut the fuck up I’m gonna come over there and shut you up.”

“And? Did she believe you?”

“If she believed me do you think I would be in here, right now, as we speak?”

“So wha’d you do?”

“I pounced on that bitch. I went all Captain Kangaroo on her ass. I jumped on her. I beat that bitch’s face. Then I ripped off this pearl motherfuckin’ necklace that bitch was wearin’.”

Faith laughs. It sounds like the laugh that your sister would give you, by the fireplace, at Christmas or something.

“Did you beat her up?”

“What do you think I’m tellin’ you? Yeah I beat her up.”

“Was she bleeding?”

“She wasn’t bleeding. She was bruised. Geez, how you be beatin’ people up? Was she bleeding.”

“I just meant.”

“Yeah. I beat her up, ok? I beat her up bad enough that they kicked me out of my apartment.”

“They did?”

“Yeah! If I don’t get a voucher when I leave here I’m gonna be homeless. My father don’t want me. My apartment don’t want me, after that.”

Faith turns serious.

“They might not let me back, Lacy. They might not let me back. Do you know how long I’ve lived there? Almost two years, which is the longest I’ve lived anywhere. And this stupid bitch is gonna mess that up. I wish she had never said nothing to me, yo. Because now they might not let me back in my own place. I don’t have no place to go.”

“Ugh. That sucks Faith. That really sucks.”

“Have you ever been in a situation like that?”

“No. I haven’t. I’m so sorry that’s what you’re going through.”

“No problem.”

I have my sound machine out. It’s turned to the sound of the ocean. Faith is digging in her bottom drawer for a coffee she stowed there earlier. I hear the lid come off, then her slurping.

Someone pushes the door open, shines a flashlight in Faith’s, then my eyes. It’s Debra. She’s on checks. She pulls the door to, and it’s prevented from going all the way closed by this ingenious towel trick that Faith has invented. You tie a towel around the door handles, that way they can’t close the door all the way, which prevents them from slamming it and waking you up with the noise. Not that we’re sleeping.

“So tell me about your doctor.”

“Dr. Hunter.”

“Yeah, I’ve never had her.”

“Well, she says I’m psychotic.”

“You are?”

“Yeah, it means. Do you know what it means?”

“Like you’re crazy and stuff.”

“It means. You don’t know the difference between reality and imagination,” I say. “Like if you imagine something, you think it’s real. It is real to you.”

“You’re psychotic?” Faith wails.

“Apparently. I just found this out today. I’m not sure how to take it.”

“What else? Have they given you your main diagnosis?”

“No, they’re supposed to soon.”

“I bet you’re bipolar like me. I bet you are.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because. Have you seen how you act?”

Faith laughs.

“What? How do I act?”

“You just have a wild mind. It takes one to know one and I can tell you right now, that you, have a wild mind. Bipolar is like you’re wild when everyone else is calm, like you get angry when there’s nothing to be angry about, you have racing thoughts. You have racing thoughts?”

“Yeah.”

“No, I’m asking you. Do you have racing thoughts?”

“They don’t seem like they’re racing to me. How do I tell if they’re racing?”

“If they’re so fast you have trouble keeping up.”

“Maybe.”

“See the way you’re so happy all the time, Lacy? You might not notice that about yourself but you’re like super-outgoing and positive all the time. But then later you feel like you want to kill yourself? That’s bipolar. There’s other stuff about it, too. I’m not a doctor. But I’ve been around doctors a lot in my life so I think I know someone who’s bipolar when I see it. Like how you talk about how you’re going to take over the world, with your acting.”

“Do I say that?”

“Yep. You have to listen to yourself, but you do. That’s. No offense but that’s not normal, Lacy.”

“So I’m not normal. Dr. Hunter said it’s not normal to have thoughts about suicide.”

“You! What? Do you think it’s normal to have thoughts about suicide? You’ve got to ask yourself what planet you’re living on, Lacy! Do you think normal people walk around thinking about killing themselves?! Normal people think about. What channel to change the TV to. My dad is normal. I should know. There’s a reason people like me are in here and there’s a reason you are too. You are not normal, Lacy, let me tell you. Do you think I would like you if you were normal?”

“You like me?”

“Don’t let it go to your head, but yeah. I told you not to let it go to your head.”

“I won’t let it go to my head.”

“You better say you like me back, bitch, or else I’m’onna come across this room and.”

“I like you. I like you. You’re a very sweet person, Faith.”

“Sweet!? You think I’m sweet!? You are psychotic, Lacy, your doctor’s got it right. What does psychotic mean again? Disconnected from reality? Yeah, you’re one of the most psychotic people I know.”

---

Ben would call, and I’d take it in the long hallway.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey.”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine I was just doing some journaling in my room.”

“Can I come visit you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. I’m. I kind of need to focus on what I’m doing here.”

“Oh. Ok. Do you not want to see me?”

“I want to see you, I love seeing you baby. But. I’ll be home in a couple of days I thought. Maybe it was better for me to spend my time focused on.”

“Ok. Ok. I understand. Do you want to talk now?”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s talk for a little while.”

---

Mostly Faith and I would talk in our room, at night.

“So why don’t you want to talk with Ben?”

“I do want to talk with him.”

“But you’ve been cutting your calls short, I’ve noticed.”

“I’m just trying to focus on what I’m doing in here, while I’m here, you know?”

“How long you been married?”

“Jesus, Faith, why the fuck do you care?”

“Just askin’. How’s your sex life?”

“Healthy, thank you.”

“Healthy?! I somehow doubt it’s ‘healthy’. Coming from you.”

“You know, Faith, you really make yourself hard to like.”

“You already said you liked me, so you can’t change your mind.”

“It’s changing.”

“Do you enjoy fucking him on Celexa? Really, you take Celexa and still have any desire to fuck because when I took Celexa it was.”

“Yes we still fuck. None of your business. Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No but I got raped last month!”

“Jesus, Faith!”

“It was no one I knew. Well, this guy. I just met ’im.”

“I’m so sorry that happened.”

“Thanks. Sucked. Big time. Asshole men. We were in this car and he just kind of pushed himself on top of me and I was telling him no but.”

“Did the police get him?”

“Yeah. Goin’ to court next week. If I get out of here. But I think they’ll let me make my court date even if I’m in here.”

“Jesus, Faith, that’s horrible.”

“Thanks. I know you really mean things which is why I like telling you things. Have you ever been raped?”

“No.”

“Do you always like it when Ben does it to you?”

“I like it with Ben.”

“But that’s not what I asked. Do you always like it with Ben?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“’Cause I’m trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian! No, I’m just kidding. I just want to know.”

“I don’t always like it.”

“You know this isn’t a coffee shop,” Faith says.

“What do you mean?”

“When you’re in a coffee shop you have coffee shop conversation. This isn’t a coffee shop. You can talk about whatever here. Like these scars.”

She holds up her sleeve.

“I wouldn’t talk about these in a coffee shop. But here I can just say. Lacy, this is where I tried to kill myself. So you can talk to me. Only if you want to.”

“I like girls,” I say. “I like boys too. I love Ben. We have fabulous, fantastic, kinky-great sex and I’ll always love doing it with him, I think. We’re like kids when we’re together, and he knows me, knows every inch of me, as well as I know myself. But I like girls, and I’ve wanted to do things with girls, and be with girls, more and more. And I don’t know if Ben understands that. Or if he would accept it. And I think he gets off on the idea, but if I really was with girls, it might be different. And I can’t even find the right girls to be with, someone who would want to be with me.”

“Now we’re talking,” Faith says. “Next time tell me about how you want to kill yourself and we’ll be golden.”

---

“I’ve been in and out of programs since I was fourteen,” Faith would say, and she’d tell me about them. Her assisted-living program, with staff who worked on-site, one of whom Faith had attacked to get in here. The woman insulted Faith, and Faith wouldn’t back down. She jumped on her and started beating on her face. They had sent Faith back to the Retreat, instead of to jail, because they knew she had mental problems. Faith had been here a few times.

“If that bitch looks at me one more time I’m going ballistic on her ass.”

This is Faith at lunch with me in the main room of Tyler Two.

“If that bitch looks at me one more time I’m going to re-paint her face with my fist.”

They were re-painting the walls in Tyler Two. This is I guess where Faith got the idea of re-painting. She had this bizarre language, which ranged from ghetto two-year-old to corny old man to occasionally normal.

“If that bitch looks at me, one, more, time.”

“Faith, just chill.”

“I’m serious,” she’d say.

“I’m serious too. Just chill the fuck out. She’s not doing anything to you.”

“She was talking about me earlier. I heard that bitch.”

“Who cares what she said.”

“She’s a fucking whore.”

“Who cares.”

I was stacking up hamburger patties, turning my two single burgers into a double cheeseburger, Big-Mac-style. There were tater tots involved. Mostly I was adding massive amounts of ketchup to everything. There was a bag of ketchup packets in the unit fridge, also a bag of mustard, and these two combined were what made all the food here edible.

Faith taught me tricks like how to stack the lid of the food trays underneath the plate, to make a little stand, and take up less room on crowded tables. We were both still on level red, which meant we couldn’t go downstairs to the lunchroom, and that we were stuck on-unit all day, without the walks and outdoor recreation that our friends on level yellow or green had. I wanted to go outside. Faith just wanted to go to the gift shop. She was addicted to dot-to-dot games, and even though she had a little bit of money, she couldn’t get anyone who had privileges to buy her anything because no one on unit liked her. They saw her as a troublemaker, she destroyed the unit camaraderie by fighting. I liked her because she was the most interesting person there. I didn’t mind if she was on the outs, I thought she was funny, and she was real. She was good to talk to, and she was my roommate. How can you not like your roommate? That makes things a real hell. So I was ok if people liked me a little less than they would have if I had been Faith’s enemy. I liked her. That’s the bottom line.

---

“What are you going to do when you get out of here?”

“Make love to Ben. What are you going to do?”

“Listen to music with my friends. Get my iPod.”

“You like listening to music?”

“It’s my favorite thing to do! Of course that’s assuming I can get back into my place. If they’ll let me.”

“They’re going to let you. Right?”

“Don’t know. Maybe. If those bitches can see the light of day.”

“I’m going to kiss Gabby Gabby, maybe give her a bath, ’cause I know Ben hasn’t given her a bath, then I’m going to get Ben to give me a back massage and we’re going to make love, then I’m calling my friend Mindy and going out with her. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just to see a movie. I don’t care. But going out with her.”

“You have a lot of friends, don’t you?”

“I don’t know. Some. Do you?”

“Just the people who live in my building.”

“Well. Friends are friends.”

“We listen to music together and dance. As least I used to before I got in trouble and got sent here. I need to stop coming here, Lacy. This is about my fifth, no, my sixth time coming here. At least this time I’m not in ALSA the whole time sometimes I’m in ALSA the whole time and it sucks.”

“What does ALSA stand for?”

“Adult Low-Stimulation Area. It’s you know where the plastic doors are?”

“Right. What’s it like back there.”

“You want to know what it’s like in ALSA? Let me tell you. It’s. Three rooms. A bathroom. And that’s it. A little nurses’ station like big enough for two nurses. That’s it. It’s boring as fuck. And there’s a room with padding on the walls.”

“Have you ever been in the padded room?”

“Me? Yeah. It’s good if you’re like feeling really hyper and you need to let off some steam. Sometimes I ask them to lock me in there and let me scream. They never force you in there, unless you’re acting really crazy. This girl, Becca, she came back there in shackles, like, when the police brought her in they brought her all the way up to Tyler Two and back into the ALSA and locked her in that room. I don’t like it when bitches like that get brought in here because it fucks up the whole vibe. And I know people say I fuck up the vibe in here but you’d be begging to have me in here if you met a bitch like Rebecca. Fucking crazy.”

“What else have you been here for, the other five times you were here?”

“Just stuff.”

“I shouldn’t have asked.”

“You remember what I told you? This isn’t no coffeehouse. You can ask me whatever you want.”

“So what have you been here for? If you don’t mind telling me.”

“You are the politest motherfucker I’ve ever met. Would you shut up so I can tell a story?”

---

She had been there for lots of things. Mostly, for fighting, which she had also been to jail for. Assault. Jail didn’t want her, ’cause she was too crazy. So they sent her here. The last time she had been here, though, was my favorite story of how Faith got to Tyler Two. I don’t know why I have such a sick enjoyment of these things. But there’s something romantic in a story of someone who goes crazy, for me. It’s like a work of art, but with your life.

The last time Faith had come to Tyler Two she had walked into the neighborhood courthouse where she lived in south Los Angeles, gone up to one of the security guards, started talking to him, then removed his gun, then pointed it at herself, then pointed it at the guards, then begged them to shoot her. She was trying suicide-by-cop, at her local courthouse, and it almost worked. But they subdued her, brought her to Westlake, and she had spent three weeks at the Retreat that time. She was worried they were going to arrest her, in fact Faith was always worried about getting arrested, because at any given time she had always recently done something worth getting arrested for.

I can’t tell you the first moment I knew I liked her. Liked her liked her. It wasn’t right away. It had something to do with her stories. It was something to do with her badass nature. It had something to do with her violence. Which I found funny. Why I did, I don’t know. But Faith’s violent language, her physical violence, I found entertaining as hell. I knew she was bringing bad things on herself with it, and I didn’t find that funny, but even that, even her self-destruction, it appealed to me. Maybe it’s because I met her at the Retreat. But basically, with Ben included, with Mindy included, Faith was just the most interesting person in the room.

---

“Faith.”

“What?”

“Why haven’t they checked on us?”

“I’m on half-an-hour checks. We’re both on half-an-hour checks. So they don’t come as often.”

“Faith.”

“What.”

“Have you ever been with a girl?”

She looks over at me, and nods, this big, big nod.

Then I’m left there thinking. Waiting, the longest wait ever until the next check. Because I think Faith’s nod means what I think it means. She likes to hug. We’ve been hugging sweetly. Can I hope that we could touch, that we could play around in the thirty minutes between checks, that I could get off, even, with a girl? Faith is wrapped in her covers looking at the ceiling. What is she thinking? Is she thinking about her legal situation? Is she thinking about me? Days without sex probably turned me on to anything. Do I even like her? I’ve turned into a little monster in this place! Just want to stick my hands down and feel her, bite her, rub her under the covers.

“Faith.”

“What.”

“When I asked if you had ever been with a girl.”

“This is not a coffee shop conversation,” she says, and I know she wants to do something too.

---

Next check. Steve comes by. Flashlight. Shines it on my head, sees that I’m awake. Shines it on Faith’s head. Sees her, rolled over, eyes closed. He stops just beyond our door to make a note. That I’m awake and Faith is sleeping. If you’re awake they always stop to make this extra note. And he goes on down the hall. That’s thirty minutes till the next check.

This is not a coffee shop conversation.

I sit up. Look at Faith.

She has her eyes open.

“Set your timer.”

I’m looking at her.

“Your sound machine. It has a timer. Do twenty minutes.”

She’s right. The sound machine has a timer you can set for five, ten, twenty minutes. I reach around and grab my sound machine from underneath my pillow. Almost before I can set it, her mouth is on my neck. Licking. Biting. Her hand halfway down the front of my shirt. I grab for her, and she’s sitting on my bed. It’s quick. I have my hand down her sweatpants and I reach all the way down. She’s got no underwear. I put my finger between her lips. She’s coming around with her mouth and we’re already kissing. I’m breathing hard, with every time we release, an exhale. She’s got her hands up my shirt now, feeling me. And then I put my finger inside her and she’s reaching for me, too, going down my shorts and reaching between my legs. This is not a coffee shop conversation. I start to bang her. I do it. This crazy little girl in my hands and us kissing each other’s eyes and now she goes inside me and I swell and I widen my legs to let her inside me and she’s pumping me with her other finger on my clit and I’m helping her thrusting myself forward with every time she pumps.

“Faith.”

“Shut up. Shut up I want to get you off.”

And do you believe she does? She does, right around minute twenty-three, and we don’t use our mouths, we use our fingers and we’re pulsing, pulsing together and spreading our legs, listening to the sound of the ocean and then silence when the sound machine cuts off, and it’s just the sound of someone walking up the hallway to go to the bathroom, and we’re looking at the door to see if they’re looking in our room through the slit in the door but they’re not, they’re just walking down the hallway and Faith’s hand’s inside of me and mine is in her and we have this simple, simple wish to do before they come by to check on us again.

---

That night I sleep solidly, and I do it without the sound machine. Just leave aside sounds of the ocean and sleep to the noise of the air handlers in the Westlake Retreat. When I wake, Faith is gone, and I don’t change any of my clothes, I just put on my sandals and shuffle down the hall with my toothbrush. This girl Brittney is just coming out of the bathroom.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

I feel amazing, for being in here. I can still feel Faith’s hand between my legs, rubbing me, making me cum, and I wonder if it’ll be awkward when I see her. I imagine not, given that it’s Faith. She’ll probably yell at me about it or something. Tell me she’s going to kick my ass. Literally, kick my ass. Tell me she’s going to go Kung Fu Panda on my ass. Lol. Little girl. She comes off with a bark but it’s all stuffed animal underneath. I miss Gabby Gabby! If for nothing else I have to get out of here to see Gabby Gabby. I can bring Faith along with me. She doesn’t have to be one of those people you meet at a place and then never see them after. I think I need that ball of crazy in my life. Ben will have to meet her. They’ll like each other, right?

I finish brushing my teeth, put the toothbrush in my pocket, and go toward the main room. Breakfast is being served. I’m still on red level, so I’ll be eating up here, with a tray. There’s Amber, eating by herself.

“Hi Amber.”

She looks up.

There’s Maggie, and John, and Megan, eating together.

“Hey Lacy.”

“Good morning Maggie. Hi John.”

“Hi.”

“Hi Megan.”

“Pull up a chair.”

“Ok, thanks.”

I go to the front desk. It’s Dawn and Steve, and Ella is standing at the cart of lunch trays, handing them out.

“Would you like your breakfast?”

“Yes please.”

“Here you go Lacy.”

I take my tray to the kitchen to get ketchups. Faith must be in the TV room, or in the other bathroom. I don’t want to be too forward, I don’t want to be too obvious, I don’t want to bug her. I mean, we were together once. She might not even care. Knowing her. She might have just done it for her entertainment, just go get away with it. And what about me? Do I necessarily like her? I like her in a psych ward sense. Do I want to have a relationship with her? I’m supposed to be in here working on myself. I can’t be having relationships with other people. Got enough of that with Ben. Maybe I’m just lonely. Get my ketchups.

I go to the table with Maggie and John and Megan and set my tray down. I don’t sit, though. I leave my tray there and I walk over by the laundry room. Look inside. No one’s there. Walk further down where the social workers are. Look in the phone booth. Susan’s in there, frizzy hair, screaming in her cackly voice. Look in the TV room. No Faith. She might be in the sun room or she might be back in our bedroom. Or they might have taken her offsite for her court date. Was that today?

I sit with Maggie and them.

They’re all talking about Asperger’s Syndrome, which John and Megan have, and John is talking loudly in an uninterrupted stream at the three of us now.

“And there’s a tear down and a build up time, which I experience, which makes it hard for me to be social. I’m not an introvert. Which I seem to be, when you first meet me. But it’s because there’s a, startup cost to getting to know each new person, and, I have to go through that startup cost every time I am forced to interact with a new person. See! Forced? What kind of normal person would say forced to meet a new person? But that’s what it is. There’s a perceived cost to meeting someone new, and I never knew, until this week, that that cost had to do with Asperger’s.”

I’m staring at the opening to the sun porch, because that’s the last likely place that Faith could be. The lights are on, the windows are filled with sun, but I can’t see that anyone’s in there.

I get up and go to the sun porch. There’s no one in there.

“Who you looking for?” That’s Megan.

“Have you seen Faith?”

Everyone gets quiet.

“What happened to Faith?”

“Your friend,” John starts.

“Faith is in ALSA,” Megan says.

I sit.

“What did she do?”

“I guess you weren’t awake for it.”

“Yeah I figured you would know.”

“So what did she do?”

“You know Yvonne?”

“Yeah.”

“Faith ripped some of Yvonne’s hair out so they gave Yvonne the day off and Faith is in ALSA.”

“That’s messed up. When did this happen?”

“Last night.”

“What was Faith upset about?”

“Something Yvonne said to her set her off. She took a big chunk out of her hair. I mean Yvonne is missing hair. She hit her. So Faith is back there.”

“Is she the only one back there?”

“No, Dennis is back there.”

“Oh, Dennis.”

“Yeah. I’d love to see the two of them go at it.”

“Well.”

“Sorry about your friend.”

“My friend? Oh. It’s ok. I mean, you can’t rip people’s hair out.”

“Yeah. I can see why people say she should be on a different unit. But. I guess that’s why they have ALSA.”

“Well, she needs help just like the rest of us.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You didn’t. It’s just. There’s something wrong with all of us.”

“Everyone deserves to be here.”

“Yeah. Everyone deserves to be here.”

---

I went to Substance Abuse Recovery, that morning, just to have something to do. That was the only group happening in the morning and even though they had me on the list to go, I never went. That morning I did. We talked about triggers, things that can make you feel like it’s ok to use again, and I just didn’t see my alcohol on the level of some of these other addictions. But mainly I was thinking about Faith, and wanting to see her, to make sure everything was ok between us. Mostly Maggie and John talked in Substance Abuse Recovery. And the instructor, Mark. I didn’t have too much to say so I sat and looked out the window, at the tops of the trees in the parking lot. When class was over I went to the nurses’ station and sure enough, there was Faith’s name, with a double red dot next to it instead of the usual red that she and I were on. I looked at my name. It had changed to yellow. Great. I finally get to go downstairs and Faith isn’t with me.

“When do I get to be on green?”

Steve looks back at the board.

“Well congratulations, Lacy, you made it off red. Are you going downstairs for lunch today?”

“I guess so. Do I have to sign up or anything?”

“No. You’re automatically going down unless you tell us otherwise. You want to eat your lunch down there, get off the unit?”

“I guess so. How long is Faith in ALSA?”

“Ah, Faith. Well, I don’t know.”

“I know you can’t discuss another patient with me but are we talking weeks, days?”

“I suspect we’re talking a matter of days. She was your friend, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you go to the window, see if you can see her? There, right over there.”

“I can do that?”

“Sure, we’re not here to keep you any more separate than you need to be. Go on over, see if you can see her.”

“Can I knock on the window?”

“You can knock lightly. Go ahead.”

So I go over. Faith is sitting on a couch inside the ALSA, and I press my face against the plastic. She gets up and comes over to me, pouting. We make the air hug movement. Then she makes the telephone sign and says “Call me.” I hear her voice, though muffled, and realize we can hear each other through the window.

“Are you ok?”

She makes the sign for so-so.

“Do you know when you’re getting out of there?”

“You want to see me?” she asks, signing along with it.

I nod. Smile.

“I want to see you too,” she says.

Then she puts her hands to her heart and spins around.

“Call me. Oh. You have to call me.”

“How do I call you?”

“There’s a phone back here,” she says. “Ask for the number.”

---

Sitting down in the phone booth, getting all comfortable in the chair, I kept remembering Faith’s hand being inside me, her middle two fingers banging my vagina and her thumb on my clit until I finally came, and I wondered if I would have come faster without the Celexa.

I had gotten the number from the front desk. Steve gave it to me begrudgingly. But apparently they weren’t allowed to not give it to us. We had the right to use the telephone.

“Faith.”

“Lacy. I’ve been missing you.” She sings the last part.

“I missed you too. I really missed you. When are you getting out of there?”

“After what I did. Oh. Not for a couple of days.”

“Yeah why did you do that I heard you ripped out someone’s hair.”

“I had to. I had to. She was talking shit.”

“Jesus Faith. You didn’t have to pull her hair out.”

“So. Did you like what I did to you last night?”

“I loved it. Did you like what I did to you?”

“You’re a sexy girl, Lacy. What’s his name? Ben. Is lucky.”

I shy down into the phone.

“I want to do that to you again,” I say. “So you gotta get out of there as soon as possible. Be good. Make them let you out. I’m leaving here in a couple of days, remember?”

“Those bitches want to keep me in here, they’ll find a way to keep me in here.”

“Faith.”

“Would you really call me when we get out of here?”

“I would.”

“’Cause I’m a fucked-up individual, Lace. I won’t be mad if you don’t call me.”

“I’m going to call you.”

“We’ll see. I want you to think about me when you go to sleep tonight.”

“Mmm hmm. I will. You think about me too.”

“Oh I’ve already been thinking about you. Belie’ dat. Give me the number out there.”

“I don’t have it.”

“It’s written. On the side. It’s written on the side of the wall there, in ink. Starts with 507.”

“Oh, here you go.”

“Wait, I don’t have a pen. WOULD SOMEONE GET ME A GODDAMN PEN?! Jesus Mary and Christ y’all some stupid motherfuckers. Hold on, I gotta go get me a pen. Ok. Lacy? You there? Stupid asshole’s got his pen puckered so far up his ass he won’t budge. You would think. Your only job is to sit around ON YOUR ASS watching psychos like me and can’t even get someone a pen when they need it. Ok. Lace? Go ahead with that number. Motherfuckers.”

I laugh. I’m giving her the number and I’m laughing, because how can I not? Somebody like this. Somebody like this comes along and I’m driven wild by the fact she speaks her mind, even though it’s violent, even though it’s unnecessary. At least she’s being real, and animal, and pure. I wish I was more like that.

“So you’re going to call me?”

“I’ll call you after lunch. Do you get tray lunches back there?”

“You don’t want to see the lunches we get back here. No fork. No plate. Nothing hard, that we could use to hurt somebody.”

“I wonder why,” I say.

And Faith says, “Bitch.”

---

Dr. Hunter and I continued to meet. From the second day on, she brought a little CD player that we used to do guided meditation. She would sit with me in my room or in the sun room and we’d both be meditating. Afterward she’d ask how it went for me.

“It went, fine. I was relaxed.”

“Did you find your thoughts start to wander?”

“Yes.”

“Did you pull them back to center, gently, like the puppy?”

The puppy was her analogy for meditation, how you’re supposed to pull yourself back to center like a puppy you’re potty training, pulling her back to the papers she’s supposed to go on, gently, lovingly. That’s how you were supposed to move your thoughts. Of course I thought of Gabby Gabby. The one person I wanted to see more than anyone else, when I got out of here.

Dr. Hunter found me in the TV room a couple days after Faith was put in ALSA.

“Do you want to meet now?”

I was watching old horror movies with Maggie and John.

“Sure.”

We walked to my room. I was sharing it with this girl named Kelli, but she wasn’t there.

“Is it ok if we meet here?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Hunter took the desk chair. I had a real one in this room, no padded cube to sit on. And I took the bed, sitting, facing her.

“So. How are you today?”

“Good.”

“How are your thoughts? Organized? Disorganized?”

“Organized. I’m getting quite clear in here.”

“Good. What kinds of activities have you been doing? Have you been going outside?”

“I’m not on green yet.”

“We’ll see what we can do to get you on green, ’cause it would be nice to go outside.”

“I’d like that.”

“Have you been going to the art classes, or, doing any other of the groups on-unit?”

“I’ve been going to most of the groups. I’ve been making art. Doing some coloring.”

“Do you have some of your coloring here?”

“Yes.”

“Can I see it?”

“Some of this, here.”

“I see. And, has your coloring been like this the whole time you’ve been here, or, has it changed?”

“I’ve been coloring more the last few days.”

“This looks kind of wild. You see this, wild quality, that I’m talking about. Is this something new or has this been going on in all your coloring since you’ve been here?”

“It’s new. It’s new. I don’t know why it’s there.”

“I see. Well, I want to talk with you about something in the way of a diagnosis, today.”

“Ok.”

“As you know, we’ve been lowering your dose of Celexa thinking that it may have induced, or have been inducing, a manic episode. The diagnosis we’re looking at for you is of bipolar disorder. Now, there are two types of bipolar disorder, type I and type II, and I think you may have the less severe form, bipolar II. This is based on what you’ve told us about what was going on with you before you got to the hospital, and on my observation. Well my and the other doctors’ and nurses’ observation of you while you’ve been here. We see significant evidence for a hypomanic or mixed episode starting sometime before you got here and continuing, well, continuing even now. You’ve also clearly had depressive episodes in your past, which is why we think you were diagnosed as having depression by your earlier psychiatrists. Now, bipolar disorder is different than unipolar depression. Depression is twice as common in women as it is in men. Bipolar disorder occurs equally as often in women as in men. From a medical standpoint they’re two entirely different illnesses, so don’t think that just because bipolar disorder has both depressive and manic phases that bipolar depression and unipolar depression, or what we call major depression, are the same. They’re not. So what we’re supposing is that you do not have major depression, but that you have the distinct disease, bipolar disorder. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I think so. I’ve heard of bipolar disorder. You think I’m having a manic episode?”

“I think you’re having a hypomanic episode. I think you cycle rapidly between depressive and hypomanic phases. This is more common, among bipolar patients, in women than men, this rapid cycling. I think that rapid cycling characterizes your form of bipolar disorder. This means that you switch quickly, sometimes over a period of days, sometimes within the same day, between depressive and hypomanic states. You need to understand this, Lacy, these mixed states are extremely dangerous to you because your risk of suicide is great during these periods. This is something I need you to hear me very clearly on. About one in five people who have this disease die through suicide. You have a vastly increased risk of suicide, with this disorder. So you need to take certain things very seriously. Any suicidal thoughts you have you should deal with exactly the way you dealt with them last week. You call 911. You call us. You get yourself somewhere safe. You have to treat suicidal thoughts like a heart patient treats chest pains. Do you hear me on this Lacy?”

“Yeah.”

“We want you to be around for a long time. Your alcohol use. You’re too young and I’m too jaded for me to worry about whether or not we’re going to call you an alcoholic, but Lacy, your alcohol use has a direct relation to the possibility of suicide. Which is that alcohol is a disinhibitory agent. It means it lowers your inhibitions, making you more likely to do things that you wouldn’t otherwise do. Ernest Hemingway had this disease. He blew his brains out with a shotgun. Do you think he would have been more or less likely to do that if he was sober? You’ve got to stop drinking. It puts you at risk for doing a whole lot of things that you wouldn’t do otherwise. With this disease, with your personality that is influenced by the depression and hypomania of this disease, you need all the inhibition you can get. I know you, Lacy, I know from talking to you, you need the best head you can get, on that head of yours, as often as possible. Can I go on? How are you hanging in there?”

“I’m ok. This is a lot to handle.”

“Do you want to ask any questions?”

“You think I need to stop drinking completely?”

“I think in your case that between the drinking and the bipolar that the drinking is a secondary problem. I think if you didn’t have bipolar disorder you wouldn’t be drinking as much. I think that and the Adderall abuse are you trying to cope with the ups and downs of bipolar, but I think you have to eliminate the alcohol and drug use so that you have a simpler picture to look at as you try to put in place the pieces of your life. So yes, I think you need to stop drinking completely. Maybe it’s sad. Maybe you want to drink with your friends. But as someone with a mood disorder like you’ve got, you don’t need anything else messing with your head while you try to get through a day or get through your life.”

“Are you. I mean. Are you sure I have bipolar disorder?”

“I’m pretty sure. I’ve met on this with Dr. Kold and Dr. Meehan and they’ve looked at your chart and helped me with my observations and the three of us have come jointly to this conclusion, even as to the type of bipolar you have. We all agreed upon bipolar II as a possible type for you. That can change, though. You’re not lacking much for a full manic episode, which is the only thing keeping you away from being diagnosed bipolar I. Your diagnosis can change. This is just the most accurate way of describing where you are now, in this classification scheme. There are other classification schemes, that they use in Europe, where you’d still be bipolar disorder but there would be slightly different subtypes. You look worried.”

“I am because I don’t know how to live my life. I mean. Am I supposed to change everything I do now? I don’t feel like I’m bipolar. Why didn’t my earlier psychiatrists find this, you know? I’ve been going to the doctor since I was a kid. Why didn’t someone else find this, and you’re just now finding it?”

“Misdiagnosis is very common with bipolar disorder. Usually depressive symptoms surface first, so often there is a misdiagnosis of depression, major depression. It’s a difficult disease to diagnose, and there’s no test we can do to diagnose it, so someone has to know what to look for. And someone has to be looking. Actually, if this is a correct diagnosis, you’d be pretty lucky. To find this in your early twenties, it’s very unlikely. Usually you’d be in your late twenties before someone made the connection and realized this is what was going on with you.”

“‘If this is the correct diagnosis.’”

“Lacy, I’m as certain about this as I can be. I’ve very certain. I’m extremely certain. But there is doubt. You need to be observed over a longer period of time. Which, we of course don’t want to keep you here, but, you and your outpatient psychiatrist need to manage this, he or she needs to observe you through this lens, we think, to see if it makes sense over time.”

“Well maybe he’s full of shit. He thought I had ADHD. Got me taking Adderall. I’m not even sure I want to go back to him.”

Dr. Hunter kind of shrugs.

“You don’t think I have ADHD.”

“I think hypomanic symptoms were misinterpreted as ADHD in your case.”

“And you’re not putting me back on Adderall.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. Same with the Celexa. We have you on a low dose but even that. Celexa. Certain antidepressants can cause or can induce a manic episode. It’s like you’re already too high, and the antidepressant takes you higher. Also, maybe even more importantly, SSRI antidepressants are shown to cause rapid cycling, which you already have. I’m debating taking you off the Celexa altogether, except it seems to help you. You may not need it once you’re on a mood stabilizer, which I want to talk to you about. And I want to put you on a tiny dose of a medicine called an antipsychotic, which sounds scary but I think is going to help you with some of your bizarre thinking.”

“You want to put me on an antipsychotic?”

“It’s designed to clear up your thinking.”

“I’m sorry this is just a lot.”

“I know. I’m sorry to hit you with so much all at once. I’d like to start these new medicines today, so we can see how you respond to them before you leave.”

“Ok. I trust you. If you say to try it, let’s try it.”

“We won’t know the full effects of the medicine before you leave, but we’ll at least make sure you don’t have any bad reactions to them, and then your outpatient psychiatrist can manage them over the longer term. You said earlier how are you supposed to live your life, do you have to change everything now that you know this, etcetera. I don’t think you need to change everything. I think the more you accept this about yourself the better you will be able to live your life, the better you will be able to do your acting and be a wife and all the other things that you might want to do. I know it’s a lot to handle at once, Lacy. Why don’t we meditate, and then we’ll talk about your medicines.”

---

I was on yellow, which meant I got to go down for art class. Five of us went, seven including the teacher, Wendy, and her assistant Debbie. To get to the art room we went through the plastic cage, down the elevator, through the cafeteria, along a crooked hallway, past the gift shop, and into a little room that served as the art studio.

There were cabinets full of chalk and oil pastels, scissors, collage materials, construction paper, large sheets of drawing paper, acrylic paint, glue, boxes of pencils, and a CD player where we could play Wendy’s music. She always had to count the pairs of scissors at the end of each session, but we were allowed to use them freely, trusted to use them, based on our yellow level. I had never considered using the Retreat scissors as a suicide instrument. If I wanted to kill myself I would wait till I got home and use a razor blade.

“So today our project is doors. We’re going to be making doors today. But these aren’t just any doors. You can make these out of any material in the art room. I have some examples for you to look at, of previous students’ work, so you can get an idea of what people have done with this project before.”

“Can we use the pottery wheel?”

“Megan, if you want to use the pottery wheel, you can.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course! So. On the inside of these doors, before you open the doors, I want you to draw, or paint, or sculpt, something that represents your life now, where you are now in your struggle with addiction or mental health issues or whatever it is that you’re struggling with.”

“Oh and then the door opens!”

“Your doors will be functional. Yes. So then the doors open, and you see how this person has done it. What’s through the doors, shows what you want your life to be like. Symbolically, literally, however you want to do it, in whatever material.”

“Can we use Model Magic?”

“You can use Model Magic. Ok, so I think you see what we’re doing here. If you have any questions, let me know. Otherwise, have at it! And I’ll be right over here with Megan getting the pottery wheel set up, so, if this is your first time down here and I think it’s, Lacy, who hasn’t been here before. Ask someone who is familiar with where things are if you can’t find anything but you can use any of the supplies down here, ok Lacy? Alright. Get started. We have until about, twenty after before we need to start cleaning up.”

I decided to draw. I used chalk pastels. I had done that before, with some pastels my mom had found in the attic, and I liked drawing with them. I can’t really draw, but I can draw clouds, so I decided to make my what-I-want-to-be drawing clouds, and my where-I-am-right-now drawing a bunch of question marks. Dark question marks. Like the Joker on crack. I found the piece of paper I wanted to use, a creamy one from this wooden rack. And I asked Maggie to help me find the chalk pastels. She showed them to me in a cabinet.

“So what is yours?”

“It’s a forest. This part is where I am now. With my work, especially,” Maggie was saying, “I just feel like I’m in a big, dark, forest with no way out and even my partner, she doesn’t even support me, not in the way I’d like her to. I think I’m just starting to admit that to myself, in here. So anyway this is my forest. And through here, is going to be a clearing, which I’m also going to collage if I have time. So. Yeah. That’s it.”

“It’s nice. I like what you have so far, this part with the trees. Where did you get those magazines?”

“They’re right over there, do you want to share?”

“No, I don’t need any I was just wondering.”

“So you feel like your partner doesn’t even, what, understand you need to get out of your job?”

“It’s not that I feel like she doesn’t understand me it’s more that I think she has a different set of values than me, when it comes to work, and she doesn’t see, that I’m not healthy in that particular work, that that particular work hasn’t been working for me in a long time. What are you working on?”

“Alright this is my door. This is me with my borderline. I’m’onna sculpt this up right here. And basically you know how you and I were talking the other day, with how I’ve been needing for my mom to be less huggy, well this is about my family, where I’m going back to, and this part is what I hope they understand.”

Etcetera. Everyone talked. And I sat there and did broad artistic strokes on my clouds, holding the chalk on its side and sweeping across my paper. And I got lost in what I was doing, listening to the monologue in my head, but I stopped sometimes and looked at who I was standing with, and sitting with. I never knew it was like this inside a psychiatric hospital. Some of the best people you’ll ever meet, making art, talking about our lives in a way that we could only do inside here, because you’re allowed to talk about your true feelings inside a psych hospital, because you’re in a psych hospital, things have gone so horribly wrong for you in order to get here that you’re suddenly allowed to tell the truth. Plus you’re around strangers. But when I looked into the pottery room and saw Megan sitting there with this quilted smock over her and her hands and concentration on the bowl she was making, I fell in love a little. Same with Maggie, same with John. I don’t know. Maybe I was just getting soft. But I felt it that day. I did.

---

“I was in art class today.”

“Lucky bitch.”

“No but listen. I started thinking.”

“It’s about time.”

“Would you shut the fuck up?”

“I’m sorry, Lacy, go ahead.”

“I’m in art class and I’m thinking this is better than my real life, you know? I love Maggie and John and Megan.”

“Do you love me?”

“I don’t know about you.”

“Hey!!”

“Yes, I love you. The same as everyone in here. More, obviously.”

“You better had said more.”

“I just don’t know if I can go back to my regular life, after this. How can I go back to bullshit parties and even small little bullshit things with Ben. I was already leaning away from all that and now I’m in here. I like talking about my feelings. I love art class. Faith, I had an epiphany in there today, about how little I give a shit, about my regular life. Stuff that I used to love pales in comparison to art class today, with Wendy, downstairs.”

“Do you miss me?”

“Of course I miss you, I wish you had never gotten yourself back in there.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No Faith. No. But you are crazy.”

“I know.”

“But I love that about you. It’s part of what makes you, you.”

“So what are you saying like you don’t wanna be an actor no more?”

“No! I want to be an actor even more than before! I have to be an actor now. I’ve been letting it slip, doing retard auditions and little films. I need to get an agent. I need to be doing stuff that gets in Cannes. I need to be doing bigger stuff. I’m breathing, I’m alive, I’ve gotten on some medicine that might help me. Don’t you think that’s good?”

“Yeah, you sound great. You sound re-energized. I wish I felt that way when I left this place.”

“How do you feel?”

“Scared. Scared that I’m gonna be stuck here, in ALSA, for another week. I’m scared that I’m gonna keep coming here, to Westlake, for the rest of my life. Or worse. That I’m gonna go to jail. I have problems with my impulse control. We both have bipolar disorder, yeah. But with me. I just can’t control my actions, Lacy. I want to. I really do.”

“I like some of your lack of impulse control.”

“Oh you mean like when I jumped across the room and fingered you?”

“That was nice.”

“I know it was. It was nice for me too, Lacy. I wanna do it again.”

“We’ll get to.”

“Are you sure, though? You’re gonna get out of here, you’re not gonna call me, you’re gonna be back with your Ben and your acting.”

“Hey. Don’t tell me what I’m going to do.”

“Anyway I’ll probably be in jail.”

“You’re not going to be in jail.”

“Or homeless.”

“Faith.”

“I will if they kick me out of my place. Either that or I’ll have to go live with my dad. Can you imagine having to go live with your dad at my point in your life? Anyway, I hope you call.”

“I will.”

---

“Ben.”

“Hey.”

“Sorry I wasn’t available earlier. I was in group.”

“It’s ok I’m just worried about you.”

“Don’t be. I’m fine. I’m really fine right now Ben.”

“Good.”

“Something’s changed about me in here, I want you to know that. And it’s not just the medicine.”

“I know it’s not just the medicine.”

“I feel on top of things, I got something here I didn’t expect to get. I mean I didn’t expect to be here.”

“Everyone’s rooting for you, Lacy.”

“They’re ‘rooting’ for me?”

“Yeah. Hey. Natasha and Mike are here, they got in yesterday. Mike called, he wanted to get together.”

“Just you and him?”

“Well, like, everyone.”

“Did you tell ’em I’m in here?”

“I didn’t say anything, I just said I’d need to call him back.”

“You can tell people. Actually Ben.”

“Yeah.”

“Would you call Mike and get Tosha, get Tosha to pick me up from here tomorrow? With Gabby Gabby.”

“You want Tosh to pick you up?”

“Yeah.”

“What about Caroline?”

“I don’t know, tell her, just tell her that I want Tosha to pick me up.”

“Ok. Whatever you want baby.”

“That’s what I want. Make sure she has Gabby Gabby.”

“I will. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I can’t want to see you too Ben. I want to sleep in our bed.”

“Me too. Gabby Gabby’s been going crazy without you here. Today she chewed up a dish towel.”

“Oh, she’s the best!”

“She is, isn’t she. She misses you.”

“You don’t mind if you’re not picking me up? I mean, is that ok? Because I really want it to be a girl.”

“It’s better for me, Lacy, so I don’t have to miss work.”

“Ok. Good. I just wanted you to be ok with it. I want girl time when I first get out of here.”

I pause for a long time.

“I’m kinda scared about leaving.”

“I can imagine.”

“I’ve been here for six days. You know? You make a phone call. You call. A suicide hotline. You could be tied up for six days, or more. You just step out of your life.”

“You’ll be able to get back into it.”

“I want things to be different, Ben. I want to be focused on health. I’m going to be running more. I’m getting my career going, really getting it going, and I’m not going to be up your ass anymore about your film. I did that for. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I’m here for you but I’m not going to bug you about it, that’s your project. I want things to go well for you but I’ve got to focus on myself more, I hope that’s ok. But being here has really taught me that I have to take care of myself.”

---

My last night of that trip I sat up reading The Bipolar Disorder Workbook. Tips and Tricks for Controlling Your Mood Swings. First I lay on a couch in the TV room, then I moved to my room, and finally I sat in one of the plush chairs in the main room by the nurses’ station. All throughout this time people came and went, people watching TV, Kelli going to bed, a new admission coming up from downstairs and being handed over to the Tyler Two staff. When the new admit came in, they had me show her around, give her the tour. I did it with my Bipolar workbook in my hand, and the confidence I had gained by being here. It’s hard to be new on a psych unit. It’s nothing like a home, as much as they may have made it up to look like one. So there’s that. You’re living in the wing of a hospital. It’s a business, and it’s the business of you. Of dealing with crazy people. When you’re new to that, it’s shocking. New faces. The realization that you’re going to be stuck with these people, in a confined space, for days. When you get that tour, showing you around the ward, it’s like, I see, this is the cramped little space I’m stuck in. These are the five rooms that will occupy my life. This is the nurses’ station where I will be denied access to staff, denied the ability to leave, given the runaround on off-unit policy. Etcetera. So it’s nice to have someone friendly show you around. At Tyler Two they always have someone who’s about to leave show around someone new. I think they do it as much for the person who’s leaving as the one who just got there. It’s a way to put a cap on your visit, to recognize that you have learned the ropes. But mostly they do it because they’re lazy, and it’s easier to have another patient show you around than to do it themselves.

Sitting in the plush chair doing my workbook, after having showed Tonya M. around the ward, I was thinking how I was going to miss this place. I would miss doing art in Wendy’s group, getting to go downstairs to the art studio. I would miss Bonnie, the med nurse, who I always liked to talk to while she was giving out my pills. I would miss David, the loud RN with the New York voice who told me about “The secret to life is enjoying the passage of time” and who woke me up jarringly to check my vitals. I liked the way he talked, and the things he said. In an old-man sort of way. He was cute. Mostly I would miss Dr. Hunter. The fact that she would meditate with me, take her own time and do that with me, I would never forget. And her introducing meditation to me in general. I needed to make sure I remembered it outside the Retreat. She really seemed to care. I couldn’t have gotten a better doctor. And on my first time here!

There were patients I liked. And I did socialize with them, but looking back on this all, now, none of them mattered to me. Except one, of course. Everyone else was just there to share a journey with, as we were all stuck in Tyler Two give or take a week. We meant something to each other at the time, but how does a psych ward relationship translate to the outside? I guess I got to find out. But with most people it was just an exchange of emails for a while. Only with Faith was it more.

I shouldn’t have liked Faith. She was too young for me. She was too wild. I should have left it as it was, with Faith going into ALSA and me going home and if I wanted to I could have never called her again. She wouldn’t have minded, after a while. She would have forgot about me, left me behind as just some girl she hooked up with at the Retreat and then forgot about, while she was off assaulting workers at her apartment complex and begging police to shoot her.

I shouldn’t have liked her.

But I did.

I couldn’t let her go. I knew, then, that I was going to call her. And as far ahead as I had thought was that we were going to hook up again, maybe at my place while Ben was gone to work. I wanted to get Faith drunk, see how wild she’d be then. I wanted her to meet Gabby Gabby. I wanted to become her, is the truth. Though I didn’t know that then. But when I looked at her, I wanted to be her, I wanted to be that crazy, that insulting, that mean. I wanted to have her life, of getting raped and getting thrown out of my apartment and ripping motherfuckers’ hair out. I know it’s sick. It’s maybe a certain kind of tourism. But I wanted her. Wanted her, so, bad.

I thought about trying to get into ALSA. Of course I did. Thought about staging some fight to get myself kicked back there. Or going insane and throwing myself against the wall, just getting a running start and slamming myself into the nurses’ station. Do something to see if they’d put me back there. But I was too scared. Every time I thought of it there was something limiting me. Every time I thought of it, there was something holding me back. Me. The definition of who I am. I wasn’t the girl who would run headlong into the nurses’ station. I wasn’t the girl with scars on my arms. I wished I was. But I wasn’t.

---

I woke up in the middle of the night, that night. It was the classic psych-ward wakeup. Got up because I needed to go to the bathroom. Then that realization that you’re not home, that you haven’t been home, but at least in this case I know that I’m going home.

Kelli was asleep. There was no one in the hall except Ella, sitting by Chad’s room. He’s been on 1-to-1 for days. Poked himself with a pen, now they’re keeping a stricter eye on him. Walk past Ella. The women’s restroom is the next door past Chad’s. Go in. Find a stall. Do my thing. Stand up.

Now I’m coming around to the reflection, even though it’s not in a real mirror. Even though it’s in a polished piece of metal they have hanging on the wall, you can see me, though a little dimly. Slightly out-of-focus. And I try to get a grip on myself, as I like to do at times like these, mirror.

Like to think about all the things that have happened, to get me to this point. One thing is I need to stop drinking. If I hadn’t been drinking then I would never have gotten in here in the first place. Wouldn’t have been calling no suicide hotline, that’s for sure. That whole night. The thing with the fire extinguisher! I stole a fire extinguisher from the Arclight and brought it back to them, at their bar. What kind of person does that, Lacy? Imagine Ben ever doing that. As fun as he is, he would never do that. Imagine Mindy or Caroline doing that. They would never do that. And I think that’s something, with me, that when I drink, different things happen than when other people drink. When Ben drinks it’s just a party. When Caroline drinks or even when Mindy drinks, it’s just, having fun. They don’t get insane and do weird shit. I do. When I’m sober it’s still there, but it’s not so bad. When I’m drinking, it’s like it brings out the nuts part of me.

Look in the mirror. See my face. Does that look like the face of a crazy person? Does it? Well, it is. It is the face of a crazy person. Does it look like the face of someone with bipolar disorder? Well it is. That’s what bipolar disorder looks like. That’s what it looks like, Lacy. They’re putting you on Depakote and Seroquel. They don’t put normal people on Depakote and Seroquel. Those are crazy people meds. You’re in a mental institution. You deserve to be here. Right alongside Faith. You’re just like her, crazy-wise. She’s a tad more violent, but you’re just like her. You never thought of yourself like that, did you, before you came here. You never thought that licking bugs and simple depression were a real problem. You never thought of yourself as mentally ill! I don’t want to be mentally ill, I don’t even now. I want to be smart and I want to be beautiful, in that order. I want to have a career. Oh, how, how are you going to have a career with this looming over you. Don’t think like that. Remember what Dr. Hunter said. Go look up people with bipolar disorder, see that lots of famous people have it. Remember Ernest Hemingway. But don’t, because he shot himself. That’s why I shouldn’t have a gun. But I want it! I want my gun so bad. I would never shoot myself! I never even considered doing that! Do you think I’m just going to one day, snap, and then shoot myself in the face? I don’t think so. I don’t think people just snap. I think you have to be pushed.

Look in the mirror. Still got my body. Still driving girls mad, even in here. Drove Faith mad. Drives Ben mad. Still got my body. Need to put this body in a film. This time’s for real. I’m going to get myself into a film. Talk with Caroline and them, figure out how to do it. Except you know how to do it. Go to as many auditions and do as much work as possible. Meet people. One thing leads to another.

Look in the mirror. I’m a deep person. More than what people see on the outside. You can do this. You’re not limited to what you’ve done in the past. You’re a good girl, Lacy. You are powerful. You’re capable. You can work with this. It’s part of your allure, right? Starlet (with bipolar disorder) steps into the lights. I can make myself famous. Rich and famous. People are starting to see me, now, with some of my recent work. People are taking note. You’ve got to be the critic’s friend. You’ve got to capture the momentum of this thing, don’t let it own you. You own it. Maybe my charity could be some bipolar foundation that helps young people with bipolar disorder. Anyway, hold it out in front of you, like, she’s that crazy actress with bipolar disorder. How should I say it in the media, should I say bipolar disorder or just bipolar. That’s what’s wrong with me. I’m trying to figure out how to represent my disease in a non-existent press junket while I’m staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom of a psych ward! That’s what’s wrong with me. I’m not in the present moment. I need to work on that. Heather would have never made this mistake. Heather died of a heroin overdose. Of course you’re in the moment if you’re on heroin. She’s not my example. She’s dead. Who is my example? Maybe an early Cameron Diaz. Except a Cameron Diaz who becomes a bigger star. Cameron Diaz never did drugs, did she? She was probably smart enough to stay away from all that. Did Cameron Diaz have any mental disorders? I have to look up people who have bipolar disorder when I get home.

---

I woke up early on my last day. Kelli was still sleeping and I went out to the nurses’ station to finish my workbook. Then came the usual morning rituals, the certain times that everything happened, the cleaning people pushing their carts through the hallway, then coffee being delivered, then the hall lights going on, then the shift changeover between night and day staff. They had a meeting where they talked about us, talked about whatever went on during the previous shift, to alert the next shift to situations that might be developing on the ward. New patients, conflicts between patients, anyone who was particularly distraught. Then the day shift came out and I saw the night shift going home and I said a few goodbyes. They knew I was leaving. And John and Hannah and a couple of the other night people told me they wished me the best, and they left. Then it was the day people, and as soon as I saw the charge nurse I was on the rollercoaster of getting-you-ready-to-leave activities. Have you filled out your medication paperwork? Seen the nurse? Who is doing your check-out? We had to get my things out of contraband, which was just my phone plus a debit card Ben had brought me. I packed my clothes in paper bags, ready for the moment when they gave me back the bag Ben had brought them in and I could throw it over my shoulder. But all that would happen at the last minute. Until then, I was still a patient, which meant no phone, no bag with straps on it, no high-heeled shoes.

I ate my breakfast by the nurses’ station, in my regular chair. The last day we had little egg-and-sausage sandwiches, which were terrible, and needed lots of ketchup.

“Are you going on the walk this morning?”

“Hey Steve.”

“We’re going on a walk this morning. Want to come?”

“I’m leaving this morning.”

“What time?”

“Ten.”

“You’ve got time to come on a walk with us, then! What do you say?”

I smile. “Alright.”

“Good deal. I’ll add you to the signup sheet. What level are you?”

“Green.”

“Nicely done.”

I’m leaving today and it’s my first off-site activity. How bizarre. I think of calling Ben, make sure everything’s all set up, but it should be. We agreed. Tosh would pick me up. She would bring Gabby Gabby. She would be here at 10 am. Tosh and I would have time together, just the drive home or if we decided to get lunch, and Tosh would drop me off at home, where Ben was coming home early (after having gone in early) from the studio. That way I wouldn’t be at home too much by myself right away. But I would get some time to myself. If I ran into any problems I was to call Ben at work, and he or someone would come over to be with me. We had had long conversations about whether it would be safe to have me there by myself but I told Ben I would be fine. I wanted to use the internet, check my mail, do my research on people who had bipolar disorder. And I was going to do whatever I wanted. Order a pizza, if I wanted. Go get Greek food. Take Gabby Gabby out for a walk. Watch a movie. But not La vie en rose. And whatever it was, not too many times in a row. Most importantly, I was looking forward to taking a bath. A long, hot soaker, as my mother would say. Because for all the things the Westlake Retreat is known for, it isn’t known for its bathrooms.

---

For the walk, it was just me and this kid Evan, and Steve. I didn’t know Evan too well. But he and I were the only people on green in the entire unit. A lot of new people had gotten there. Faith was still in ALSA. Maggie and John had both left. Megan had got transferred to another floor.

We went outside through the plastic cage, through the cafeteria, and out into a parking lot. Steve let us walk over by the tennis courts and the pool, and they have a small playground there too. It was too early for anyone to be in the pool, but I liked to think about someone getting to swim there, though I had hardly packed my swimming suit when I’d come.

We walked around this area where there’s a building that just serves children. It’s sad, when you’re at the Retreat, you sometimes see them, like an eight-year-old being restrained by two security guards. It makes you glad they’re getting help, but it makes you sad that they’re there at all, that part of their childhood is growing up in this place.

We went into the main courtyard. This is where I came in. With their flag poles and scattered trees and picnic tables and benches. This is where you drop off and where you pick up. This is where I’ll be leaving from, in a couple hours. If Tosha’s ass shows up. Not gonna kiss Tosha. Not gonna kiss Tosha. Wait. Come here, tree. I stop walking and run sideways to the nearest tree.

“Lacy! No running please.”

“Sorry!”

Steve has to stay within a certain distance of me so he can tackle me if I try to make a go for it.

I hug my tree. It’s perfect. Little freckles. I give him a full-bodied hug, from toe to forehead. Then I lay my cheek alongside his body, and pretend that he’s a horse. Neighing. Happy to see me, my horse. There you go. Good horse. Breathing, strong. If you can’t kiss a tree in a mental hospital then where can you kiss one? Wait a minute, I forgot to kiss my tree! Put both hands on him. Get my lips ready. And, press! Good tree.

“Lacy! Back on the path please.”

“Ok! He needed a kiss.”

“And he got it. Thank you Lacy. Don’t let your doctor see that or you might be staying another week. So anyway.”

And he went back to his conversation with Evan.

---

I didn’t want to go to my last community meeting, so I stayed in front of the nurses’ station. They were just going to ask me those same four questions, plus a few extra ones since it was my last day, and I didn’t feel like talking in front of a bunch of people who had just gotten here. What’s your name? Lacy. What’s your goal for the day? To get out of here. What’s your coping skill? Talking with Faith on the phone, even though I can’t tell you motherfuckers that. What are you thankful for? Still Ben. And having a home to go to. Some people don’t. Thankful that I’m leaving here today. Take a deep breath, Lacy. Remember to breathe. That’s what Dr. Hunter would say.

I look over at the ALSA door. See if Faith is standing there. She isn’t. I kind of don’t want to talk to her. Too much difference between us now, now that I’m leaving and she’s still staying here. I stand up. I walk over there. There she is, sitting on the rubber couch in the ALSA main room. She sees me. She lights up. She comes to the window. She knows I’m leaving. We’ve talked about it. She leans her head into the door, puts her forehead on it. I do the same. She waves. I wave. Then she makes the “phone” sign. Call me. I make it back and then I step away from the door. I turn. I turn my back on her. I go back to the nurses’ station.

“Is David ready with my meds? I’m ready to go.”

---

They do a final check. The charge nurse sits with me in my room. She asks me if I’m having diarrhea, any physical pain, checks to make sure I have a ride out of here, asks me how I’m feeling. Then she tells me my doc will be in shortly to talk with me.

When Dr. Hunter shows up, I’m feeling kind of nervous.

“Any thoughts of hurting yourself?”

“No.”

“Any thoughts of hurting someone else?”

“No.”

“On the thoughts of hurting yourself, any plans, any imaginings, any fantasies about suicide, any of that?”

“No.”

“Ok. Are you ready? Do you feel satisfied with our plan for you when you leave?”

“I guess so.”

“What’s wrong, Lacy?”

“I just. How do I know I’m not going to be back in here in a week?”

“Well, strictly speaking, you don’t know. But I think the outpatient supports you already have in place, plus your husband. It seems like you have a good chance of making it longer than a week before you’re back in here. And if and when you decide you need to come back, we’re here for you. We don’t want to see you, in a way, but we’re always happy to see you.”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok. Thank you doctor.”

“Good meeting you, Lacy. You’re a charm.”

---

Next thing you know they had me at the contraband window getting my phone and my shoes and my bag and I was being ushered out by Dawn and she’s wishing me well and putting my final paperwork in my medical record binder and then it’s out through the plastic cage and down the elevator and into the lunchroom.

“Can you find your way to the front from here?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, goodbye then!”

“Thank you, Dawn.”

Dawn’s giggle.

She leaves.

I’m standing in the lunchroom. Sea of chairs.

I go out through the double doors, up a slight hill, and around to the front of the buildings. Then I’m waiting, sitting on the front steps of the Retreat with my bag beside me and my phone in my hand. I call Tosh.

“Hello?”

“Hey. I’m here. Whenever you want to be.”

“I’m here! I’ve been looking for you! Where are you?”

“You see where the flagpoles are?”

“Oh! Yay! I see you! I’ll be right up, ok. Don’t go anywhere.”

She parks the car in front of the steps and gets out.

“Lacy! It’s so good to see you!”

“It’s good to see you too!”

Gabby Gabby is jumping at the back window. She sees me!

“Can I put this in your back seat?”

“Of course. Let me get this for you.”

Tosha opens the back door and Gabby Gabby flies out. Tosha is putting the bag in her back seat and Gabby Gabby is up in my arms, loving me, licking me, going crazy on my ears.

“She likes to lick ears,” I say.

“You two, have at it. I can’t imagine being away from her for a week!”

“Oh Gabby Gabby! You’re perfect! You’re perfect love! Thanks for bringing her.”

“Of course! Ben said you wanted her, so.”

“Yes, it really makes a difference to see both of you. Come here. Can I give you a hug? Is that ok?”

“Hug me!”

“Thanks Tosha. I need a hug. I’m glad we can still hug!”

Tosha laughs. “Me too! You’re in a lovey mood!”

“Well I’ve been locked up in this place for a week. Can we go?”

“Yes! Get in!”

I bring Gabby Gabby with me in the passenger’s seat and Tosh gets in and we go. We drive out of that parking lot and on a few larger streets and then we’re on the highway, and I’m laughing too, hair blowing in the wind. Gabby Gabby’s sitting on my lap and I’m rubbing her ears and when Tosha offers me a cigarette I only think about it for a second, and that day is the day I started smoking.

4

I woke up extremely early the first morning I was back home. To see Ben beside me was a relief. I sat up in bed. There’s his body, sleeping alongside me, and I thought about how much just his presence calmed me. We were meant to be together. Something amazing and right about how we fit. Ben, oh Ben, what would I have done if you hadn’t wanted to move out here? Where would I be? And the realization, when I woke, that I wasn’t in Tyler Two. I was here, in our little house, with our clean bathroom, with just me and Ben living in it.

I stood. Gabby Gabby came running over from her bed. I bent so she could lick me. Then I grabbed my wallet and found a pair of jeans.

---

Out the house with Gabby Gabby under one arm, my wallet and keys in the other. We locked up quietly and went to the car. Gabby Gabby always sits in the front when I drive. When she’s good, she sits on the passenger side. But mostly she sits in my lap.

“Come ’ere Gabby Gabby. Get comfortable.”

I got her settled into a pocket between my legs, with her butt down in it and her front perched up on me. She started smelling my armpits. I put the keys in the ignition, and it felt good, the click of them. The whole week at Tyler Two I hadn’t looked at a computer screen. When I first got home it was incredible to see the sharpness of my MacBook, and there was something similar about my car keys. Being deprived of those things made them so much more essential. I put the car in reverse and pulled out of me and Ben’s driveway.

“Come on, Gabby Gabby, we’re going to take us a little trip. What’s life without a special trip now and then? You comfy girl? Alright, hold on, we’re gonna go fast!”

I felt the snugness of the bucket seat under me as I started down our street. Driving had become a privilege now, a great honor that only a few people were allowed to do, while the rest were locked inside mental wards without their cars. To be able to do it, you had to earn your way out of the mental hospital through good behavior and authentic healing. Then they’d let you drive your car. Everyone else was stuck in ALSA with Faith, who probably didn’t even own a car. How long should I wait till I call her? Could call her on the ALSA phone, from out here, but that didn’t seem right to do. I was considering it.

I got on the highway. Gabby Gabby ok. It was still dark, and no one out. I thought about getting stopped by the cops and what would I have to say? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had no reason to mention that I just got out of the Westlake Retreat. Didn’t have to tell a soul. As far as anyone knew, I had been free this whole time. I am free. I pressed my foot on the gas.

And go. Go on the nighttime highway. Didn’t see a single cop, though I kept checking my rear-view for speeding traps. Drove the puma fast, just like she likes to go. Drove her down over the hills and around the curves and then all the way to Santa Monica. Where I’d first come when we’d moved here. Where we’d first stayed in that motel on the seafront.

I drove to a public parking garage there, two blocks from the sand. Parked. Opened the door. Gabby Gabby ran out, then stopped, turned back.

“Come ’ere girl.”

I picked her up, locked the car, and headed down the entry ramp to the parking garage. It was too early for them to be charging. All the gates in the front were open, no one working the pay booth.

I carried Gabby Gabby down the street. We walked past the coffeehouse where I used to go for juice and to read the magazines when Ben and I were staying in that motel. There was a homeless guy in front of it. We looked at each other, but he didn’t ask me for money. I think we had an understanding. It was too early for that sort of thing. People out at this time weren’t victim to the usual requests. I went past him, hoping it was also too early for violent crimes, and headed toward the ocean.

When we got there, I put Gabby Gabby down. In this huge field of sand, just the barest light of the sky and lights from the Santa Monica pier and some lights from houses and apartments looking onto the beach. Gabby Gabby ran. She ran. She ran so far. It was the largest space she had ever been in since she was born, actually. And she must have loved it. She went waaay off into the distance and then ran, ran, ran her way back to me. Then ran off again. You aren’t allowed to have dogs on the beach but I figured this early no one would catch us. I was looking at the ocean, these masses of gray/blue waves rolling in and then subsiding, just feeling their weight. I did a sun salutation, then looked back to find Gabby Gabby.

“Gabby Gabby!” I was yelling, the wind cutting off my voice. “Gabby Gabby!”

She saw me, she heard me yelling, but she decided not to come. Little brat. This could be how I lose her. She runs off at the beach and becomes the dog of some Santa Monican family, probably a guy who owned a gas station and had no understanding of the theatre or film.

“Gabby Gabby!”

She started back my way, nosing around some plant life, then starting an all-out run back to where I was.

I hadn’t brought my phone. If Ben called, he would be worried. But I would go back soon enough. I didn’t want to be bothered right now with phone calls.

---

“So where were you?”

“I just went to the beach. I wanted Gabby Gabby to have some running room.”

“Did she like it?”

“Yes. She almost ran away from me. Crazy little bitch. She doesn’t know when to stop. We’re lucky she’s still with us. How was your morning?”

“It was good. It’s good to have you back.”

“Mmm. It’s good to be back.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m good. I’m. You know it’s kind of a shock. To be. There. And then to be. Here.”

“I bet.”

“I still feel like I’m going to have to use those bathrooms or that I can’t get out or something. Ben. I mean they helped me but it’s so good to be out of there.”

“Are you following up with Dr. Giggle today, or?”

“I might. I might not. I’m not sure I want to see Dr. Giggle anymore.”

“I just think you should. Get as much help as you can get. Or. Go with the help that you can get. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to bug you.”

“No. You care. I appreciate that. Ok? I will go see someone. Whether it’s Dr. Giggle or not. Soon. I will. I’ll get my medicine, I’ll do that today. I’ve got enough prescribed for a month. This new medicine’s going to help me, I have a feeling. Dr. Hunter knows her stuff. I’m just switching one illness for another.”

“I don’t like it when you say ‘illness’.”

“I know. I don’t like it either. I’m just trying to tell you I’m going to be ok.”

“What about. You mentioned that there might be support groups you can go to.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you looked into any of those? On the internet?”

“I’m working on it, Ben.”

“Ok. But what kind of groups do you think you might go to?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“What about. You mentioned. What about some twelve-step groups?”

“I’m working on it, Ben! I’m looking at various groups and I’ll see what I can go to. I need to find something in the evening that’ll work with my audition schedule. So there’s that. Do you want to come with me?”

“No, I’m just asking. I want you to do whatever you can to make sure you’re not away from me for another week.”

“Aww. Aren’t you sweet. I’m not going to be away from you for another week like that. I’m sorry about that, ok! It wasn’t just an inconvenience for you. I happened to be locked up inside there without internet, without my phone, without a clean bathroom, surrounded by crazy people all that time! It’s not exactly me who wants to jump back into that situation. But yes, I’ll go to a twelve-step group, ok? What is so important to you that I go to a twelve-step group? I might want to go to a support group but not go to AA, ok? We did AA inside that place and I’m telling you right now, AA is bullshit! I don’t want a bunch of depressing religious bullshit. That’s not my primary problem! Some of the groups I went to inside that place were idiotic! So let me be the judge of what groups I find and what groups I go to, ok? I am looking for groups. Are you satisfied?”

---

“Where’s my purse?”

Ben goes and gets it.

I go through it.

“Where’s my gun? Did you take my gun out of my purse?”

“I didn’t think we should have it around if the cops came for it.”

“Why would the cops come for it?”

Ben shrugs.

“Well where is it now? Ben. Ben start talking to me.”

“Do you think. Maybe it’s not the best idea.”

“You’re taking my gun away from me? Without asking me? Ben, no no no no no. This is not how we do things. This cannot happen like this. You’ve got to talk to me about things before they just happen!”

“Nothing has happened. I just. Wanted to talk with you before.”

“Nothing that happened last week indicates that I shouldn’t have a gun. Nothing in my illness says I shouldn’t have a gun. I know you don’t like it when I say ‘illness’ but that’s all it is. I’m not bad, I’m not crazy, I’m just sick, and there’s nothing that says sick people can’t do all the things that normal people do, have guns, go to the park, make babies, all that stuff.”

“I think you’re jumping the.”

“Jumping the gun!!? I don’t believe you were about to just say that. For all the things I could ever forgive you for, that is not one of them. I don’t believe you were about to just say that.”

“Look, Lacy, I don’t know what you went through last week. I’m not claiming to. I don’t know every detail about what’s going on with you.”

“You are a corny motherfucker, Ben.”

“I’m sorry if my choice of phrase.”

“I don’t believe you think you can make it in film.”

That sent his eyes to the floor.

“I don’t believe I said that. Baby, I’m sorry but I don’t believe you were really going to say ‘jumping the gun’ in this conversation! That’s like something my grandfather would do!”

“Mine too.”

“I’m sorry, baby. Tell me it’s ok.”

“It’s ok. I wasn’t trying to say I know everything about you or what you’re going through but I thought it made sense for me to keep the gun for a little while. I don’t think you should be carrying it around.”

“Are you worried about what I might do with it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, baby! I’m sorry! I’m sorry to worry you! I’m not going to do anything bad with it, I never would have. Were you worried about me hurting myself?”

Ben nods.

“Baby baby baby I would never do that. I’m sorry to have worried you. Are you un-worried now?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you still going to keep the gun?”

“Yeah.”

---

I went to Dr. Giggle.

“So they didn’t think I have ADHD.”

“Opinions vary.”

“Did you read my paperwork from in there?”

“Yeah, they faxed it to me.”

“Were you surprised? I mean? Do you think I have bipolar disorder?”

“I think it’s reasonable, considering the various observations. I can’t observe you the same way they can in an inpatient setting.”

“They seemed to think you could observe me better.”

“In some ways, maybe. Lacy, everyone’s doing the best they can. Mental health diagnosis can be somewhat of a moving target. Especially at your age. Did you feel the bipolar diagnosis fit?”

I was rubbing Gabby Gabby’s ears.

“Yeah. I did. I don’t think it’s simple depression.”

“Major depression.”

“Yeah. But what difference does it make, what I think?”

“It makes a difference. This isn’t just up to your doctors, you know.”

“So what about ADHD. Do you think I have it?”

“I do.”

“So what about Dr. Hunter? She thinks I don’t.”

“Opinions vary. I didn’t see what she saw. I can read about it in these pages, but. Your experience inside that hospital is hard for me to comprehend. I mean based on these records. I’m doing my best to line up my experience of you with Dr. Hunter’s and the other doctors’ experience of you. I respect their opinions, I have mine. I’m doing what I can to learn more about you, from what they’ve sent and what you’re telling me. Do you think you’ve had a manic episode?”

“Well that’s just what they were saying. That I hadn’t had a manic episode but that I’d had a hypomanic one. That’s why they diagnosed me bipolar II.”

“I see. And when I look at you for the presence of a hypomanic episode, based on these notes and my previous observation of you, the answer I come to moves around toward a yes. It’s very difficult to tell, though. Are some of your symptoms ADHD or are they hypomania? There’s some overlap, in the way we understand these things. What do you want to do, Lacy?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean do you want to talk, do you want to proceed with the bipolar diagnosis, do you want me to refill your Adderall, what do you want to do?”

“Can you refill my Adderall, after their diagnosis that I don’t have ADHD?”

“I don’t see anything here that says you don’t have ADHD. I see something that says you have bipolar disorder. I have my own opinions on you, that may or may not agree with the Westlake Retreat.”

“Well what if I wanted to come here and not talk,” I say.

“Ok.”

“And what if I wanted to come here and get my Adderall and not talk.”

“Then you could do that.”

---

So that’s exactly what happened. Dr. Giggle wrote me my next prescription for Adderall and I picked up Gabby Gabby and walked out of his office.

I filled that and the rest of my prescriptions and sat in my car and popped one Addy, then another, then another. I felt better even before they hit me, just knowing they would. I wanted a good solid rush, or I wouldn’t have risked taking three of them. Gabby Gabby sat next to me and licked her paws.

I opened a pack of cigarettes I had bought. They were Parliament Lights. I opened my window a crack and lit one. It was the same brand that Tosh had been smoking, the same brand that she offered me. I had smoked cigarettes before but only one at a time. I had never bought a pack. I rolled down Gabby Gabby’s window so she wouldn’t suffocate.

And we sat there, me looking over the cars in the Rite Aid parking lot, Gabby Gabby grooming herself, and I smoked Parliament after Parliament and waited for my Adderall to come on.

---

At home, on the internet, everything was fine. I lay on the floor in the living room with my laptop. Gabby Gabby sat right beside me, and we watched TV and looked at the casting sites together. I was looking at CastingNow.com and LACasting.com, which are supposed to be the best two casting sites in LA, and I found a number of films to apply for. I had my profiles set up with my headshot, a resume, and basic info about me. I could apply to any project I was a match for, in terms of age, sex, and height. Then there was an opportunity to give a personalized intro message for that project.

I saw projects that were student films, some projects for ads that looked good, there were projects for voiceover work which I wasn’t applying to anymore, and occasionally calls for medium-level films that didn’t look like student work but definitely weren’t big movies. For those you needed an agent. I was still working on getting an agent.

Gabby Gabby was totally in tune with me, she could feel that we were in super-cool mode, underwater, and she did her thing of sitting as close as possible to me, being part of the action. The Adderall had me flying, so much so that I wanted a drink.

“Let’s go, girl.”

I got up and went to the kitchen. The house was dark except for the light of the TV and of my laptop in the living room. I had the blinds shut.

I made myself a drink. 151 and Coke. Simple. To calm me down. Take this Adderall buzz and simplify it down. With my glass in hand I shuffle back to the living room, lie down, and put my hands on my computer.

Gabby Gabby situates herself again, right by my side.

The TV is turned to advertising, the commercial break of a soap opera.

“Now,” I say, “let’s find ourselves a job.”

---

It’s three drinks later before I find the one I’m looking for. There it was, on LACasting.com, in with all these bullshit listings. How I Met The Devil was looking for a bit player with the possibility to grow. I had seen the show, it was funny. An eight-o-clock show with a young cast. I knew if I could get on there they would expand my role. That was how it went with these things. You got in there, delivered some funny lines, and they’d expand your part. Write you into more scenes.

I scrolled through the listing. I had a feeling about this one, just like the Taco Time commercial. Some people, their challenge is in getting roles. Mine is somewhere else. I can get roles. I’m no Heather but I can get a role when the role is mine. I could fit with that cast, I could see it. It had just my look. I would throw myself on the producer, maybe suck the dick of a casting director if I had to, but I was going to be on that show. It was by far the best listing I had seen.

I took my drink, went to the TV, and put in La vie en rose. I realize I’m a poster girl right about now for everything you’re not supposed to do to agitate whatever disease these doctors told me I was supposed to have, but I was doubting all that. Doubting every diagnosis, doubting there was anything wrong with me at all. The fact is I was doing what I wanted to be doing. And drink my 151 and Cokes, look for jobs, pop Adderall, and watch my favorite movie were those things I wanted to do. Is watching my favorite movie going to hype me up or calm me down? It soothes me, it makes me happy to see Marion Cotillard doing her thing. I need that movie. Need it like Gabby Gabby needs me. Am I saying I’m Marion Cotillard’s dog? I guess I am. But when you’re an actor sometimes you need to see your favorite films. I can’t explain away the idiosyncrasies of my life, I’m just telling my story.

So I put on La vie en rose, and I lay back down on the floor, and I filled out that application for How I Met The Devil. I knew I would get called for it, and I knew I would get it. Maybe the same way the Oracle of Hollywood knows people are going to succeed or not, she’s just tuned in to these things. I have that about my acting. When I’m not getting in the way of it, it works quite well for me.

It took me about half an hour to fill out the application. They wanted a little essay and a personal statement, and I re-did my profile pictures before I submitted.

When I was done I sat back against the couch, and me and Gabby Gabby watched our movie. I felt complete, in that moment, like I was on the right track.

---

“Ben? Is that you?”

“Hey.”

“Oh baby I found a job. Well I didn’t find a job I applied for a job. Submitted on LACasting it’s a part in How I Met The Devil they’re looking for bit players to become something more or they might just be looking for one or they might be looking for more than one isn’t that great?”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, I know. Isn’t it great?”

“You found this today?”

“I was online. Me and Gabby Gabby have just been having a hang-out day I went to see Dr. Giggle this morning so you’ll be happy to hear that. I’m on track with all my medications and therapies.”

“So you’re still going to see Dr. Giggle?”

“Yeah we decided on a new course of therapy but I’m still going to see him once a month so today is the first day of our new. Therapyness. How was your day, baby, did you make lots of cuts and clicky sounds and editing things?”

“I edited lots of things.”

“Let’s get junk food, ok? I’m thinking we can stay in and watch movies except at eight I want to watch How I Met The Devil if that’s ok I know I’m already getting obsessed about it but you know how I am.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You’re talking kind of fast.”

“I’m excited! I can’t wait to have a shot at this part, so I can start making lots of money and you don’t have to be the only one responsible for things around here. Come ’ere Gabby Gabby, we’re going to celebrate!”

“Silly dog.”

“She’s amazing!”

“I can start to see why they might call this hypomania, now that it’s been stated in those terms. You are a little off the hook tonight.”

“Oh, I don’t even know if that diagnosis is correct. I’m not sure I’m all that hypomanic. It could be all sorts of other things.”

“Like what?”

“Who knows. I’m just saying. Maybe I’m just excited because I found a job. How do you diagnose that? Aren’t people sometimes excited about things? When does that become hypomania? That’s all I’m saying. I just don’t think it’s clear that I’m bipolar, completely clear. Do you?”

“I’m not a doctor.”

“Come on, Ben, don’t be like that. Are we gonna get pizza or what?”

“Pizza’s fine. Are you watching La vie en rose again?”

“Just until you got home.”

“Didn’t they say this was a sign you were ramping up into a bipolar episode?”

“I’m not ramping. It’s only if I stay up all night watching it. I have to have my sleep disturbed.”

“You did get up kind of early yesterday.”

“We can’t live our lives measuring things, like the exact number of minutes of sleep I got last night.”

“Are you drinking, too?”

“Ben, don’t say it like that. You make it sound like it’s a bad thing.”

---

I waited till the next day, when Ben was out of the house, to call Faith.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is Faith there?”

“She’s not back here anymore.”

“Oh. Ok. Thanks.”

I tried the short hallway number.

“Is Faith there?”

“Yeah. Hold on a minute.”

About three minutes pass.

“Is this who I think it is?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my gosh! How you doing? You did call me, you did!”

“I told you I was going to call you. How are you Faith?”

“I’m ok. I’m out of ALSA.”

“Congratulations. How long have you been out?”

“A couple of days. They’re letting me out on Friday.”

“Really?”

“Or maybe Monday. But hopefully Friday. I can’t stand another weekend in here. You know what it’s like on the weekends.”

“Yeah.”

“So what’s up with you? What have you been doing?”

“Just hanging around. I found a job. Or. The possibility of a job. I sent in my headshots to this TV show. Anyway! I’ve been looking for work. Playing with my dog. You have to meet her!”

“How’s Ben?”

“Why did you say it like that?”

“I didn’t I’m just asking! How’s Ben?”

“Ben’s fine. I think he’s worried about me. He’s acting funny.”

“Like how?”

“Like he’s all up my butt about stuff.”

“He’s worried about you.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you did just get out of a psych hospital.”

“You know what’s funny?”

“What.”

“It doesn’t seem like I was there at all. That whole week. It’s just. Gone. You know what else?”

“What.”

“I don’t even feel like I’m sick.”

“Yep.”

“No I mean I kinda don’t think the diagnosis is right.”

“I know. That’s what happens. It’s probably not. Until. Your third or fourth time that you’ll realize that you really have. Whatever they say you have.”

“Is that how many times it took you?”

“It took me more!”

“Do you believe the diagnosis they have for you?”

“Most of the time I do, some of the time I don’t. That’s part of bipolar disorder, you know, not believing your diagnosis.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, bipolar people deny that they’re sick. It’s part of how it affects your brain, I’ve read about it. You know what else? Bipolar disorder tends to affect people who are smart, like you, and like you, smart people tend to overthink shit, which is what you’re doing.”

“You’re right, probably. It just doesn’t seem strong enough. You know? I’m not that fucked up.”

“You mean like me?”

“No, I just mean I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me! I’m not flailing all over the floor or anything. I can get out of bed, most of the time. I’m not screaming at people passing by on the street.”

“But you do scream sometimes.”

“I do? Maybe for fun. I just don’t understand where the edge is between sanity and. I guess. Illness.”

“I did the same thing, Lacy. Convinced myself there was nothing wrong with me. But there is something wrong with me, and it’s the same thing that’s wrong with you. Maybe we’re different, but we have something in common. I think that’s part of why we get along, because we’re both bipolar. You don’t see it but some of the things I like about you are the manic parts.”

“I just don’t see the word manic applying to me.”

“You can’t think about it that way. Manic sounds like some crazy person. You’re not crazy. You’re just wild. And you’re crazy some of the time. You can’t see it. But I saw it, in you, in here. What’s crazy to other people seems like normal to you. But don’t you find your friends noticing it in you?”

“What friends I have left. I guess. I think they like it when I’m crazy.”

“They probably do. You’re wonderful when you’re crazy. You hear what I’m telling you, Lacy?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me. Just hang out with me when I get out of this place. They better let me out on Friday.”

“Did you figure out your place to live?”

“My place to live? Yeah. I got kicked out of my apartment. I’m going to live with my dad.”

“Oh, Faith, I’m sorry, that sucks.”

“Yes it does suck. My dad and I do not get along. I’m going to need all the help I can get to survive in that situation. He’s picking me up when I get out of here. They’re having him in to talk with my doctor to determine whether I’m ok to leave. The doctor says I ain’t ready ’cause I’m a threat to others. I tried to tell her that I’m only a threat to others when they make themselves a threat to me! Lacy, you have to see me when I get out of here. Please tell me this phone call will extend to some real-life seeing?”

“It will. I want to see you.”

“Can you have me over because my dad’s place is nothing to shake a stick at.”

“I want to have you over. You can come over sometime when Ben’s not here.”

“Oooh! When Ben’s not here!”

“And when he is. I want you to meet him, too.”

“And Gabby Gabby.”

“And Gabby Gabby. You two will get along.”

“You just told me I’m going to get along with your dog, Lacy. I don’t know what kind of compliment or insult that is, but.”

“It’s not an insult! She’s my favorite.”

“But still, she’s a dog. I’m going to get along with your dog.”

“I’m sorry!”

“I’m just messing with you, Lacy. I look forward to meeting your dog and I hope we do get along. I hope I like Ben, too, I hope he doesn’t sniff me out as your gay lover.”

“He’s not going to sniff you out.”

“So you do admit that I’m your gay lover! Ah! Can I hold you to that, Lacy? Or are you going to forget about me now that you’re not in the Retreat?”

---

“Ben, you think I’m tainted? I mean going in there. I just feel like I’m ruined, like I’m stained.”

“By going in there? No. You went for help. People need help sometimes.”

“You didn’t.”

“Maybe I will someday.”

“You’re so reasonable about this. I feel like Caroline and them are looking at me differently after this.”

“Have you called Caroline?”

“No. Good point. Good point. I shouldn’t try to read her mind. But I’m scared to call her. I don’t want her to think I’m like the fucked-up girl from the psycho ward.”

“I doubt she thinks that. But call her. She’s your friend.”

“I know.”

“Sorry, just trying to help.”

“You are helping. You are. Keep talking. I didn’t mean to cut you off.”

“I think you’re wonderful, Lace. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.”

“But, technically, there is.”

“You mean bipolar disorder?”

“Yeah. Technically that’s something very major wrong with me.”

“I’m sorry you seem to be eaten up about this, baby.”

“I am eaten up about it. This means I have to take medicine for the rest of my life, I have to watch out for whether or not I’m going to kill myself! My moods are no longer normal! When I get excited it’s not just me getting excited it’s some problematic form of excitement that I have to guard against. I’m supposed to be charting my moods! I don’t want to chart my moods! You see me carrying around graph paper for the rest of my life? That’s not me. I don’t want to graph my life, I just want to live my life.”

“I don’t see you graphing your moods, no. Maybe you could do it once a week instead of once a day? Or maybe you can do it without graph paper, in a notebook or something, so it’s less intrusive or less geeky or whatever the problem is.”

“It’s just ridiculous, that’s what the problem is.”

“Ok. So don’t graph your moods. I don’t think you have to follow every piece of advice you got out of that place. Just take what’s most useful and forget about the rest. Maybe what’s most useful is the medication! Did you get any useful advice while you were in there?”

“I got useful advice. I got lots of useful advice. Maybe it’s just the meditation and the medicine that’s useful.”

“There you go! The medication and the meditation. Kind of has a nice ring to it. Just kidding. But seriously. Take the medication and the meditation and go with those.”

“You don’t think I’m slacking if I don’t track my moods?”

“No! No, baby. Don’t track your moods. It’s obviously not working for you. Just keep an eye on your moods, maybe. I can help you do that. You don’t have to do it all on your own. I can help keep an eye on your moods, if you want. Do you want that?”

“Yes, would you? I just need to know if I seem especially excited or if I’m making impossible plans, like take-over-the-world type plans, that’s what I need to watch out for. Or if I’m talking about celebrities like I know them. And if I seem especially depressed.”

“Ok, but you’ve got to talk to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean sometimes you keep your depressed feelings to yourself. So. Don’t do that. Let me know what’s going on with you, even when you’re sad.”

“Ok, I will.”

“Good.”

“The other thing I need you to watch out for is. Like if I get disconnected with reality. Baby, I’m psychotic.”

I laugh.

“Ok. You’re psychotic. What does that mean?”

“It means I’m disconnected with reality. Like I can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s not. I get into my imagination and I think that’s real. So if you notice me too much in my fantasy world, or with bizarre thoughts, I need you to say something to me. And then I’m supposed to do. What? I don’t know. This is all a mess, Ben. You see what I’m saying? How am I supposed to fix this?”

“Lacy. Come here.”

Ben starts massaging my back.

“I’m just scared, Ben. I’m scared this’ll get in the way of my acting. I’m scared it’ll get in the way of my friends. I’m scared it’s already gotten between the two of us, with the way I act and even getting into the Retreat last week. You go out to the Arclight with me and you never know if we’re going to have a good time or if maybe Lacy’s going to get taken away in a police car! How are you supposed to live with that? That’s crazy. That’s crazy stuff. You have to be able to trust me. And you can’t. You took away my gun. And you should have. You can’t even trust me to be good to myself. And you know what really scares me? That I’ll have to go back. That I’ll have to spend another week in that place. Or more. There are people who have spent a lot more time than I have, in there. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be constantly going in and out of mental institutions because I can’t keep my simple little life together!”

“You’re not. You just went once. You’re not going back, you’re right here.”

“But what if I do? What if I do go back?”

“Then maybe you needed to go. And if you need to go back, then that’s what they’re there for, right?”

“I just don’t want. I just don’t want for this to be my life.”

---

My audition for Devil was the next day. They wanted to see me right away. I got a call from a guy named Blake Glassman and Blake Glassman wanted to speak with Miss Lacy Anderson to see if she would be available for coming in to audition for a walk-on on the set of How I Met The Devil. They gave me the address. It was in Burbank. I didn’t realize until I got there that it was at the Warner Bros. lot. This was a real audition.

I parked and walked across this special little crosswalk thing they have there. It’s a crosswalk just for their parking lot, without there being another street to justify it. On the other side of that was a security tent.

“I’m here to see Blake Glassman.”

They call inside.

“What’s your name?”

“Lacy Anderson.”

“You’re in studio twelve.”

They give me a pass, which is a sticker, and I go down a long outside hallway looking at the building numbers. It’s mostly empty, some people driving fork-lifts, occasionally someone coming in or out of a dooway. I get to studio twelve, which is obvious because there’s a giant “12” painted all over one side of the structure.

I press down my security sticker. And I make myself go inside.

It’s the set of How I Met The Devil. The cafe set is prominent to where I’m standing. They don’t seem to be filming anything but there are maybe fifty people standing around, sitting, moving furniture. I have no clue who to talk to. I just kind of edge in toward the side of some tech-looking kids who are sitting on equipment crates.

“Excuse me? Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I’m looking for Blake Glassman.”

“You want to take her?”

“I’ll take her. Come on. Blake is this guy right over here.”

---

“Blake, this girl wants to see you.”

“Hi, I’m Lacy Anderson.”

“Lacy. Hello. Blake Glassman. I’m glad you could come today. We’re just going to run you through a part which we might be shooting tonight and see if you’re ok for it. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?”

“Definitely.”

“Don’t you want to know anything about the part?”

“I’ve seen your show, Mr. Glassman, and I love it. If you just let me know what to do, I’m all over it. I wanted to thank you for calling me in for this after just seeing a head shot.”

“Oh we looked at your videos too. You’ve got a certain look. That might be good for this show. Our director was very impressed. Normally we don’t cast through the internet but a new generation is taking over, these kids’d rather go through Casting Now than mess with what we used to call a casting director. I mean you still have a casting director but this person used to have to know people. Anyway. You should feel proud because you’re one of only six we called in for this look-see.”

“I’m glad I’m one of them!”

“So here, sit down here and we’ll have you going up in just a minute. We’re on a tiny bit of a break and then everyone’s going to be back so we can run through a number of things, including your walk-on. I’ll see if I can get you some sort of sides, just hold on a minute.”

---

“Action!”

“Mr. Dunham, I think your car is parked illegally.”

“Cut!”

“That was beautiful, Lacy, beautiful, now all I need is for you to give it a bit more spunk. You’re happy his car is parked illegally. You’d like to tow it yourself. Now. Deliver that message.”

Then we all reset.

“Annnd. Action.”

---

Then they were done with me. It was the quickest thing I could imagine. I never officially met the director, I never met anyone but Blake Glassman, and all I had to do was walk in, say this one line, and that was it. That was all the part was for, initially, anyway, and I was still enamored with it all except I wanted to stay longer. It was three run-throughs of my line and then Blake was telling me they were done with me and he would call me and did I need any help finding my way back to the parking garage? I was there for thirty minutes tops, from parking lot to parking lot, and I wished I had had something to do afterwards, or Gabby Gabby with me or something, because I was feeling so loose ends after such an in-and-out experience. It was exciting to be on a real set. I wanted to be there more. I thought about giving Blake Glassman a follow-up call but decided it wouldn’t be a good idea.

I sat in the puma in the Warner Bros. parking lot and savored the moment. I had just been to a real audition for a real TV show. A small part, but that’s how these things got started. I was doing better now than in my Taco Time phase. That had just been coming-to-LA stuff, beginner stuff. This was intermediate. This was How I Met The Devil, and that wasn’t exactly a feature film but it was something. Something significant. Something I could be proud to put on my resume and something that could lead to more and better work. Savor it, Lacy. You did good. You scoured the listings, you found something extra special, you got it. You got it just by being you. You were the one they wanted. You and five others. Don’t think about it that way. You have to get this. You have to. And you will. This isn’t just someone who has a little desire to do this. This is my dream. I came here just to do this. I’ve been fighting for it. I fought to get out of the Westlake Retreat and I’m fighting for this role. Maybe a follow-up call to Blake Glassman would be a good idea. Let him know you care. I’m the actress with bipolar disorder, remember? I stop at nothing. I’m crazy. Crazy about the part, crazy for the role. They’ve never heard of anything like me. They’ve never seen anything like me. Call Blake Glassman.

---

I did call Blake Glassman. But he didn’t call me back. Not that day or the next day. I beat myself up about it, should I have called him, shouldn’t I have called him. Then I went over each of the three times I had said my line, “Mr. Dunham, I think your car is parked illegally”, and drove myself nuts thinking how I could have done it differently. Then I gave up, because there was nothing for me to do about it. I bummed around the house misusing my Adderall and talking with Gabby Gabby. A couple days like that, waiting for Faith to get out of the Retreat to keep me company. Finally it was Friday and I found myself standing in front of Faith’s house. It’s Faith’s father’s apartment, actually, and I’m ringing the bell.

“Hell-o!”

“Faith, it’s me.”

“I’ll be right there.”

---

“Nice car.”

“Thanks.”

“No I’m serious, this is a nice car. This fucker looks fast.”

“He is fast.”

“He’s a he?”

“Yep, he’s got a dick and everything. See?”

“Oooh. You have a car with a di-ick! You have a car with a di-ick!”

That was Faith, all the way to my place, talking about my car’s dick, all the while all I can think about is getting her clothes off.

---

“So this is where you live?”

“Yeah.”

“No fair! You have a nice apartment! Do you own this? Is this a house?”

“It’s an apartment.”

“Is Ben home? Do I get to meet him yet?”

“Ben isn’t home.”

“Why did you say it that way?”

“What way?”

“You know what way, you sexy girl, you said it like ‘Ben’s not home, we can do blah blah blah blah blah’.”

“Would you shut up and get inside the house?”

“Yes, ma’am, why, do you have plans for me?”

---

I’m not going to tell you everything that me and Faith did. First of all, it’s obvious. Second of all, this isn’t that kind of book. I’m trying to write my memories here, and while having sex with Faith was important to me, I just can’t see going into it in detail, except where it’s truly necessary. With Ben it’s different. I don’t mind telling you the various styles he fucked me in, because it’s part of the atmosphere of the story. With Faith, it was more personal, and I just don’t want to tell it. I’m not ready. It’s too soon. But I will tell you that Faith and I cheated on Ben and me. We did it in the worst way, too. We used me and Ben’s bed. I know. I’m not proud of it but it’s the truth. We did it in me and Ben’s bed the first time Faith came over. And Faith and I did a whole lot more than we did in the Retreat, the night we had in there. Faith was a little freak. I felt bad since she was a few years younger than me but she seemed to know what she was doing. In some ways she knew things better than I. I hadn’t been having girl-on-girl relationships since I was eight, as she claimed to. I was happy to have someone who was comfortable with what they were doing, though I caught on fast, be sure. I could come with her, almost every time, and I liked how rough she was. She was even a rough kisser, her tongue was hard and pushy, like she knew what she wanted and was on a mission. It was nothing like Ben kissed, or even most of the people I had ever been with. Faith was hard, down to business. She wanted to make you come and she wanted to come. She would hold you afterward, but she was fast, serious, not really cuddly like me or Ben. I think it was just the life she had had, what sex meant to her. To me it was a luxury. To Faith it was like a dog cleaning a bone.

---

“Do you trust me?”

“Do I trust you to what?”

“Then you don’t trust me.”

“What do you mean, trust you?”

“I mean when I hold you in my hands, do you trust me not to hurt you?”

“Of course I trust you not to hurt me.”

“Then you know I have your best interest at heart.”

“Faith, what are you talking about?”

“Nevermind. Forget it. I just was thinking about this girl I was with once.”

“What about her?”

“She didn’t trust me. I could never get her off.”

“I just, got off, with you.”

“But you didn’t trust me. I can tell. Because you didn’t completely relax. I could feel you tensing.”

“Maybe I was tensing because you were making me come.”

“No, this was different. I just want you to be able to trust me, because, that’s what real relationships are built of, and I want this to be a real relationship. There it is. I’m putting myself out there for you. I don’t care about Ben or whatever you do there but I want this to be a real relationship. Not a coffee shop relationship. You hear what I’m saying Lacy? I don’t have time for no bullshit.”

“I’m not bullshitting you. I want us to be real, too. I want us to be open. I’m being open with you, I am. You’ve got to trust me back you know.”

“I know. I do trust you, Lacy. I’ve trusted you since we first met and you allowed me to be my real self. You did that for me. But you know what it really was? You made yourself vulnerable. I came at you with all this fight and you didn’t put up fight to match it, you brought this sweet and open and kind of wild but vulnerable girl. You did that by sharing with me what was going on with you. And you trusted me as though I was someone you could do that with. People don’t do that with me, Lacy. People don’t trust me. They don’t trust me to tell their stories. To talk about their illness, Lacy. You did that. You trusted me and without that I don’t think I’d be sitting here.”

---

“Lacy?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s Blake Glassman.”

“Hello.”

“Is this a good time to talk?”

“It’s fine. How are things?”

“Things are fine. So. We didn’t get you in for that walk-on. It seemed better for someone else. But people here did like you, including me, so we’ve decided to offer you a slightly larger role. It’s of a romance interest of Tim Goring. You’d be playing his new girlfriend. We’re AFTRA, are you AFTRA?”

“No.”

“Well we’re going to take care of that. What do you think? Sound like something you’d be interested in?”

---

I invited Caroline and Tosha over to celebrate. It was the three of us, plus Ben. We drank. I didn’t care what my doctors were telling me, I was going to drink tonight. I made sure to take my medicines early, so I wouldn’t forget once we’d started drinking. Ben still had my gun hidden. I didn’t need it or anything, I just wanted it back. I probably could have found it if I looked, but I didn’t want to feel desperate. Caroline and Tosha were invited to stay over in case they drank too much. The couch pulls out.

“Who wants canapé? Canapé? Canapé?”

“Oh Ben, these are beautiful.”

“Do you want some canapé young lady?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“And you?”

“Thank you.”

“And our starlet?”

“Thank you. This is nice, baby. Thank you for doing this.”

“It is our plaisir. Ve vant ’ou to be ’appy.”

“Yeah good job Lacy. Good job on beating both of us to the punch.”

“But see, next time a role opens up on Devil I’ll be well-placed to say ‘Hey, I’ve got a friend’. We’ll all get there.”

“But congratulations to you on getting there first.”

“Thank you, I don’t know if I’m there yet, but.”

“Come on, you’re playing across Tim Goring. You’re there. You’ll be onto bigger and better things in a heartbeat.”

“Well I’ve just got to focus on this for now.”

“Are you nervous?”

“I’m shitting myself.”

“Don’t shit on yourself, Lacy, it’s unladylike.”

“Not to mention un-Lacy-like.”

“Haha. You’re all very funny. But it is nerve wracking. What if I mess up? What I’m I’m a menace to their set and can’t remember what I’m supposed to do.”

“Oh, it’ll be easy.”

“I’m sure that part’ll be easy, Lacy. Forget it. Some little TV shit? You’ve got this. They gave you the part, didn’t they?”

“They gave me a bigger part than the one I tried out for!”

“I know they did. I know they did. That’s ’cause you went in there and you got it, kitty. You get it, kitty.”

“I’m trying.”

“You’re doing more than trying. You went in there and you locked that shit up. God, Tim Goring. You have to take pictures.”

“She’s going to be in there like taking pictures with her phone!? Excuse me, do you mind if I get a picture for my friends!?”

“Yeah, right. Oh my god. You guys are the best to come over tonight.”

“Are you kidding. Where else would we be?”

There was some hugging that night, and I felt close with Caroline and Tosha. And Ben. I felt like I had my people, like it was back in Ohio, and things were turning out the way they were supposed to. This is why I’d come out here, these were the people I’d wanted to come here with (some of them). I wanted good things for everyone. I wanted better work for Ben. I wanted good work for Caroline and Tosha. But they’d get it. Mostly I was happy for me. I had needed a stroke of good luck since before I got here. And this was as good-luck as I was likely to get. I even thought about the Oracle of Hollywood that night, and I thought to myself, I don’t need to go see her now. I was that confident. All I had to do was show up at work and I was going to transform into the next biggest thing in showbiz. Funny how life doesn’t go as you expect it to. But I still think, that even when it surprises you, it can turn out good.

---

Tim Goring turned out to be more than I expected. He was funnier out of character than he was in. His dimples were larger than life, he was always perfectly groomed, from the moment he arrived on set. His fingernails, well. Well what am I telling you about his fingernails for? That’s how madly crushing on him I was. But his fingernails were beautiful. He had this little arc to the nail that not just everyone has, that makes his hands oh-so debonair. When he talks to you, it’s like it’s just the two of you, and then as soon as he’s gone, the air turns cool again, and it’s like he was never there. Tim Goring. Tim Goring. I must have burned Ben’s eardrums off from hearing those words the first week I worked on Devil. I’m sure he never wanted to hear about, or watch, Tim Goring ever again, and I made us watch old episodes every night before bed. Everything about the set of Devil, I made me and Ben’s household business. We talked about the lighting technicians, we talked about the makeup girls, we talked about the every little drama between set members, when someone was fucking someone else, Ben knew about it. None of this grew old to me. And finally I had something to talk about when we were talking about our days, other than what Gabby Gabby did. Poor Gabby Gabby had to learn how to be by herself at the house once I started work, and I felt terrible, but it was what we had to do.

In fact, my work took on the primary role in terms of what we talked about, what we focused on, what mattered. It paid more. It was a TV show. It was exactly what I said I wanted to do when I moved out here. Well, not exactly. I said I wanted to do feature films, but this was close enough for a start. I felt more justified to complain to Ben about the fact that he was “just” doing editing, and to try to help him get off his ass about making his short film. Ben took this well. He started meeting with guys from his work, outside of work, talking about this documentary about a documentary they wanted to make. I sat in, I served drinks, and I made the canapés for those meetings. And afterward I gave Ben long back massages and listened to him talk about his ideas for the film. He was going to direct it. Those other guys were there to help with production and do post-production on it. But it was Ben’s baby. He had the mind for comedy and he was going to bring it from start to finish. I was there as a cheerleader. That’s how I viewed my role. As a support. A man needs a good woman behind him. Maybe a woman needs a good man. I think Ben and I had that in each other. We always cared about each other’s work, and whether we made it. I think that’s part of why each of us has had some success. It takes a lot to make it in this city, especially working in TV/film. I haven’t done exactly what I’ve wanted but I’m getting there. I think Ben’s the same way.

---

“So I’m real happy you got that job.”

“Thanks, Faith.”

“Am I allowed to be proud of you? I think I am proud.”

“Thank you, Faith, you’re the best. I’m really happy I got it, too.”

“Your career’s taking off.”

“Starting to.”

“You won’t need to be around people like me anymore.”

“What, Faith, why are you saying that.”

“Little people.”

“My job isn’t going to change my relationship with you.”

“What is our relationship, Lacy? I’ve been wondering about that. I mean are we. What are we?”

“I don’t know. We’re friends, who.”

“We’re friends?”

“I think we’re friends. I mean we’re not partners.”

“No, I agree, but. Do you think Ben minds about all of this?”

“I don’t think he would.”

“I think you should tell him, Lacy. I know it’s none of my business but I think you should.”

“Maybe. I’ll think about it. Does it make you feel bad if he doesn’t know. Or do you have that invisible feeling like you want him to know about you?”

“I’d kind of like to meet him, that’s all Lacy. He’s important to you and I’d kind of like to meet him.”

“I’ll work on that.”

“Don’t work too hard, but, yeah, I’d kind of like that, if you don’t mind. I’m not asking for the three of us to have sex together or anything but I mean look at us. We’re in his bed.”

“It’s not his bed, it’s our bed.”

“Ok, whatever. Sorry to pressure you. Are you going to tell him that we. That we.”

“Have sex?”

“Yeah, have sex.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to tell him. Let me feel it out, ok? I’ll feel it out. But I’ll make it happen. Just give me some time.”

---

I tried to find just the right time to tell Ben about Faith. It was important, I knew. I wasn’t really thinking about the fact that we were married. I mean married married. Some of the implications of that just never sunk in for me.

I waited until one night after we had eaten dinner in, just the two of us. I was washing the dishes and Ben was reading aloud from my Devil script, making fun of the lines.

“Ben, listen up.”

“Whaa? This is terrible, I don’t believe they make this show.”

“Shut up! A lot of people like that show, by the way.”

“They’re going to like the ones with you in them even more.”

“I hope you’re right, baby. Anyway.”

“Anyway what, do you think they need writers on this show?”

“What, you’re going to do it?”

“Yeah, why not.”

“Maybe. Listen Ben. I’m trying to tell you something. Put the script down. Please.”

“Is this serious?”

“Yes.”

“Is this like the time we got the dog?”

“In what way?”

“In that you made it out to be a huge deal and it ended up being about our puppy.”

“No, it’s not like that.”

“Is everything ok?”

“Yes, Ben, listen ok? This is kind of hard for me to tell you. But. Remember the Retreat? Well, when I was there I met someone. Her name is Faith. She’s a friend of mine. And. I’ve been hanging out with her some since we got out. I’ve had her over here. I want to keep hanging out with her and I want the two of you to meet. She wants to meet you too. She’s a little bit of a wild personality, she’s not like us, but she’s got a pure heart and she’s important to me. Ok? She’s important to me. This is hard to say.”

“I think it sounds great. You’re into this girl and she sounds like she’s really made an impression on you and I’m sure if you shared time at the Retreat that you must have bonded there.”

“But wait Ben. That’s not the hard part. The hard part is that she and I. Have. Had. Sex. We did it in the Retreat and we’ve done it since. Here. She’s not like a partner, she’s not like that. You’re my partner. She’s more like a friend. That I have sex with. And I don’t want the three of us to have sex or anything. But I do want to keep having sex with her. If that’s ok with you.”

“Lacy.”

“Wait. Just one more thing before you say anything. I love having sex with you and I want, I need, for us to keep doing that. And if you wanted to have sex with someone else I would understand. Ok?”

“Lacy, that’s fine. I respect that. I’m ok with you having your friend and there’s no one else I want to have sex with at the moment. Why don’t you have her over sometime when I’m here so I can meet her?”

---

On the set of Devil was a dream. It was quiet, it was organized, everyone came to me with things. Costumes, make-up. I had to go to food. We had these food trucks parked outside. They were contracted just for our show. You could go to them and eat and drink whatever you wanted and not pay a thing. It was just part of our convenience.

“So, how are you liking our show?”

“I like it.”

“It’s nice, huh.”

That was Gretchen York, who played the female lead on the show. She was surprisingly friendly (though not when we were shooting) and she sat by me sometimes.

“We used to use the cafeteria. There’s a cafeteria down the way? Then they would bring in food, set out tables inside here. Now we have food trucks. In six weeks it’ll be something different. They haven’t got their food thing figured out yet. Are you hungry?”

“Kind of.”

“Let’s go raid the food trucks,” she said, and we were off.

Gretchen was like a little sister, even though she was older. She acted younger. She was always bouncing, or skipping, and being around her gave me permission to be who I really was. She loosened me up to the fact that this was one big game, that we got paid to have fun at our work. You got the idea that she was tired of who she’d been hanging around with and wanted someone who wasn’t into all the drama. I knew nothing about anything, at this point, so I was her sometimes friend.

“What do you want, drinks or snacks?”

“Drinks,” I say.

“I want drinks too,” she says. “Drinks drinks drinks. Let’s go see Mick Sandow. Do you want to go see Mick Sandow? I want to go see Mick Sandow.”

“Let’s go see Mick Sandow.”

“Let’s go see Mick Sandow.”

So she takes me to this food truck, white, just like all the others, where a skinny man in a Hawaii shirt is sitting on a folding chair.

“This is Mick Sandow.”

“Hi Mick Sandow.”

“Hey Gretchen who’s this?”

“This is Lacy.”

“We’ve seen you around Lacy.”

“Lacy’s thirsty.”

“You can see everything we’ve got.”

There’s a board with pictures on it, of the contents of the truck.

“We’re actually really thirsty Mick.”

“Oh, so you want that thing.”

“Are you still doing that thing?”

“Yeah we’re still doing that thing.”

“What’s that thing?”

“Don’t worry, you’ll like that thing.”

Mick gets up from the folding chair and Gretchen squeezes into the truck. I follow.

We’re in this tiny space, the thing is set up like the cabin of a boat, with refrigerated cabinets, a cutting area, overhead boxes. Gretchen opens one of the lower cabinets. She pulls out a Red Bull. Then another Red Bull. Then a bottle of Smirnoff.

“Drink part of this down.”

I do, and she fills the rest with vodka.

She makes herself the same.

And that’s Mick Sandow, and those are his special drinks, and that’s how we do it on the set of How I Met The Devil.

---

Not everyone drinks. Gretchen and I don’t drink all the time. Only when it’s a down time. And there’s a lot of down time.

“What were you doing before this, Lacy?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“You did something.”

“But it was nothing important.”

“You think this is important? I don’t know if this is all that important. I was doing short films shot at film schools, that’s what I was doing. Nothing. Then this.”

“How did you get this?”

“Knew somebody.”

“Who did you know?”

“I knew somebody who knew somebody, actually.”

“That’s even better.”

“Yes it is. You’re not from LA, are you?”

“I’m from Ohio.”

“I wish I was from somewhere other than here.”

“What I was doing before I got this?”

“Yes, please.”

“I did a Taco Time commercial.”

“Which one.”

“It was radio.”

“I bet I’ve heard it. Are you?”

“‘Come in today to try our new Mexi-Fries.’”

“That’s you!? I love that commercial. Well, I don’t love it but I hear it a lot.”

Gretchen has her hand on my leg and she’s cracking up.

“You know I’m bi.”

“So I shouldn’t put my hand on your leg?”

“Just sayin’.”

“Well I’m not bi. But I’ll take my chances.”

She squeezes my leg.

“You crack me up, Lacy.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”

“Oh, it is. It is.”

“I feel like yelling out hilariously right now.”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. No one else says things like you.”

“I know, I’m weird.”

“You’re not weird. You’re. I don’t know but it’s not weird.”

I flex my lungs, trying to see how a hilarious laugh would come out now. Then I bite my mouth closed, and look at Gretchen.

“You’re thinking about doing it, aren’t you?”

I nod.

“Then just let it out!”

“Bwahahahaha. I’m hilarious!” I say. “I’m hilarious!”

A couple of the How I Met The Devil tech people turn their heads. Gretchen and I are seated in the back of the stage, empty vodka Red Bulls beside us. I think about telling Gretchen I’m crazy but I decide that when I haven’t had a vodka Red Bull is a better time to make the decision to do that.

“You should come over to my house, sometime.”

Gretchen looks at me. She can tell I’m inviting her as a friend, but still, there’s this moment of hesitation in her.

“Sure. Have me over.”

“You can meet my husband, he’s a filmmaker. Doing some short stuff. And my dog, Gabby Gabby.”

“Your dog’s name is Gabby Gabby?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“That is the most ridiculous name for a dog Lacy. You should be reported to whoever they report people to for naming your dog Gabby Gabby. Yes, I will come over and meet your husband and yes I will come over and meet your dog.”

And that’s how I started being friends with Gretchen York.

---

“Guess who’s coming over?”

“Who?”

“Gretchen York.”

“What?”

“Yup. Score.”

“Score. You runnin’ with some high-class people now!”

“You know it.”

“Who’s next? Tim Goring?”

“Tim Goring.”

“If you get Tim Goring to come over here then I will know that you have made it.”

“Gretchen York is coming to dinner.”

“Soon people are going to be talking about you like this.”

“Lacy Anderson is coming to dinner. Tonight. What are we going to have?”

“I don’t know! I can’t cook.”

“I’ll cook, I’ll cook, don’t worry. And you can too cook, baby.”

“Gretchen York?”

“Yes. And yes, she’s that hot in real life.”

“Damn.”

“I’m telling you. All these people. Are on their game, baby.”

“You are too.”

“Maybe.”

“No, Lacy, you are too. You’re just as hot as Gretchen York. I always said I had a hot girlfriend.”

“Baby, I’m your wife.”

“I know but from before that. Do you stop being someone’s girlfriend once you become their wife?”

“Yes.”

“It seems like it should carry over.”

“We have to act normal while she’s here, though.”

“I know.”

“I know you know that.”

“Yeah, it’s too bad, ’cause I’d love to go crazy like one of her little boy-fans.”

“Do you have a thing for Gretchen York?”

“No.”

“I’m serious. Do you have a thing for Gretchen York?”

“No!”

“Outlook is doubtful. Do you have kinky girl-fantasies about my friend Gretchen York? Did you ever get off to her? Did you ever think about her while we did it? Oh, baby, do you know how bad I need it from you right now? I might need you to give it to me right now. Get over here. Now tell me. Whether or not. You have. A thing for. Gretchen York.”

“Do you have a thing for Gretchen York?”

“Ahh, no. I told her I’m bi and she totally ran the other way.”

“So when am I going to meet your friend from the Retreat?”

“I’m afraid to have her over.”

“Why?”

“She’s kind of. Animalistic, Ben. I’m afraid she’ll beat you up. Or me. I’m afraid she’ll beat one of us up. She’s violent.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She ripped this lady’s hair out who worked out in the Retreat and they had to put her in ALSA, which is like this maximum security area.”

“Really.”

“Yeah. Like I said, she’s had a different growing up than us.”

“Is that part of what you like about her?”

“Yeah. I guess so. She’s nice, too, though. She’s honest. I’m afraid to introduce her to.”

“Normal people?”

“To a different element, yes.”

“It’s up to you.”

“I’m going to, I’m going to. It’ll be fine. I guess I’m just nervous about you and her meeting because. I’m afraid you’ll judge me. Like you’ll think. Why is she with this person. And I’ll be embarrassed.”

“I’m not going to judge you. I want you to be happy, Lacy, that’s all I want, aside from a little happiness for myself.”

“Do you have it? Do you have it, with me?”

“Yes. Yes, Lacy. I love you. I love being with you. I love it when we do it nasty style, little-girl style, cops-and-robbers style, everything we do. I love that you’re my girlfriend and my wife. I’d love to fuck you right now, if you’re into it.”

“I’m into it. Mmm. I think we’re gonna have to do it pussy-willow style.”

“And what is that?”

“Pussy-willow style is where you lick me until I can’t stand it anymore, then you fuck the ever-loving shit out of me until we both come right there.”

“Right there?”

“Right there.”

---

I’m back at Mick Sandow’s truck. Went by myself this time. Might bring Gretchen a drink. Might not.

“What do you do when you’re not working on this show, Mick?”

“Work on other shows.”

“How did you get started doing this? How did you get your truck?”

“Oh, had a smaller truck. Before that didn’t have a truck.”

“Well you have a nice truck now.”

“Lacy, you’re the most friendly of all the people that come to my truck.”

“Are you flirting with me?”

“Guy’s gotta be allowed to flirt.”

I cheers him with my vodka Red Bull.

He smiles.

Then I have my purse out, and I’m digging in for another Adderall. I find the bottle, open it.

Mick sees what I’m doing.

“You take the regulars?”

“What?”

“You take the regulars. Here.”

He goes for one of the overhead bins. He’s close to me and I can feel his heat.

“Try one of these.”

He hands me a bottle.

I open it, shake one out.

“Those are XRs. Try it. It’s on the house. I figure at the rate you run through ’em, you might need some more?”

I look at Mick. Then I swallow his pill and mine both and down them with the vodka Red Bull.

Mick takes his bottle and closes it back in the cabinet in his truck.

“See people don’t know,” he says. “But this is a stressful job. Takes a lot of different types of workers to get this job done. People like you do your job. People like me do mine. Somehow things get done. Movies, TV, whatever. You’ll come back if I can ever do anything for you, Lacy. Anything you can think of.”

And he’s out of earshot and I’m walking with my one Red Bull can, feeling dizzy from the fact that I just took that man’s pill and popped it, something unnatural in his song of a speech he’s giving me, and the idea of freedom, the idea of freedom that I could come here and get my Adderall instead of going to Dr. Giggle. It was intoxicating, just to know that I could get it. Just to know that that freedom was there. No one watching me. Just blue sky. I could do whatever I wanted. So I walked myself back into studio 12 and I sat myself in my chair and I drank that vodka Red Bull and I let my Adderall XR come on alongside a regular Adderall, and I waited for my scene.

---

“So, what are we doing here?”

“We’re jogging.”

“Lacy, I don’t jog.”

“You can jog with me.”

“I don’t know if you know this, but I’m about to go Kung Fu Panda on your ass right now.”

“Why are you going to go Kung Fu Panda on my ass.”

“Because I think you’re trying to make me into your project.”

“How so?”

“Get me to come out here, get me to jog, get me in shape like you are.”

“I’m not in shape.”

“Yes. You are. Lacy. You’re in way better shape than me. But all that’s just. Not me. I don’t jog.”

“Just jog with me once around the loop.”

“I wish you had told me you were gonna do this to me before you brought me here.”

“I just wanted to have some fun together. Outside. Not inside like we always do. That’s all. I’m going to take you back to the house. That’s not a question. I just wanted to have some fun outside.”

“You need to tell people before you jump them with shit like this.”

“I did. I said we were jogging.”

“No you didn’t. You didn’t say that. Maybe in your mind you said that.”

“I thought I told you.”

“Alright, I’ll jog with you. But don’t be putting pictures of this on your Facebook.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Lacy, just jog.”

---

“If I wasn’t so angry with you right now I’d actually be enjoying myself.”

“Don’t be angry with me.”

“That’s my way of telling you I’m having fun, Lacy.”

“You’ve got a funny way of stating it.”

“You better be glad I’m not stating it with a kick in your ass.”

“You want my ass. I know you want it.”

“I want it with my toe.”

“You want to toe my ass?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I mean I want a kick and a boot, boot your ass right off this track.”

“If you could keep up with me maybe that’d be a possibility.”

“Would you shut up, Lacy. Trash talking don’t work well on you.”

“What?”

“What what bitch?”

“Just run.”

“Just shut your mouth.”

“Just run Faith, shut your mouth.”

“What the fuck did you just say to me?”

---

“This is the last time you bring me to a park and don’t tell me what you have planned.”

“Oh, you loved it.”

“I liked it. I’ll give you that. But love and like is two different things.”

“Next time you’ll love it.”

“Who says there’s gonna be a next time, bitch?”

“There’s gonna be a next time.”

“Next time we’re going down my way, get into some trouble at the courthouse. Fuckin’ with some cops, now that’s how I get my exercise. See these legs? See these arms? That’s tone you don’t get from jogging.”

“You ready to come back to my house?”

“I can’t come to your house, I’m all sweaty, bitch.”

“You can take a shower at my house.”

“What am I gonna wear. Wait. You’re gonna let me shower, at your place? What if Ben comes home?”

“I told Ben about us.”

“But he’s gonna want to come home and see us in the shower? What did you tell him about us? Did you tell him we? That we? Oh my god Lacy I’m a homewrecker.”

“He didn’t say anything. He’s fine with it.”

“He’s just fine with it? What kind of marriage do you have?”

“It’s been done for thousands of years.”

“Yeah. Well. I don’t think it’s been done for thousands of years, but.”

“He wants me to be happy. You. Make me happy.”

“I do?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re gonna let me shower at your place?”

“Yeah.”

“Can we go now?”

“You know I love you Faith.”

---

“You telling Ben and you telling me you love me in the same day. It’s a little much to handle.”

“Are you not going to make it? Tough girl has a problem with being told ‘I love you’.”

“Am I a tough girl?”

“You’re pretty tough.”

“But I’m not really, inside.”

“I know.”

“Do you think this’ll look good on me?”

Faith has out one of my tops, a yellow one.

“I think it’ll look fine.”

“I wanna look good for him. I don’t want him to think I’m a thug.”

“You won’t look like a thug. You looked like a thug the day I met you. You were all bruised up.”

“Yeah. Those motherfucking cops. They really bang you around. Somebody should file a class action lawsuit. They put you in cuffs. They didn’t need to put me in cuffs, I wasn’t violent. Well, maybe a little. I’m not bruised up now. Except from you.”

“You’re not bruised from me!”

“I might as well be. The way you be grabbin’ a motherfucker around the wrists, holdin’ me down.”

“I don’t hold you down.”

“Yes you do. You get violent about it, too. When Lacy wants what she wants, don’t get in the way of her.”

“You mean when I want your pussy.”

“Exactly.”

“I just kind of want to take it over, sometimes.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t like it.”

“I ain’t tellin’ you I don’t like it I’m just saying, I have bruises.”

“Let me see.”

“They’re on my wrists, and some on my neck. You squeeze, right here.”

“Damn, did I do that?”

“Don’t be showing me off to Ben, either, like, here’s Exhibit A, Faith’s bruises that she got from me because I’m so greedy about pussy-fucking that bitch.”

“I won’t show off your bruises.”

“Better not.”

“I won’t.”

“Can we get in the shower now? I’m kinda nervous about us being in there when Ben gets home. I know you two are cool about all this but I’m just warming up to the whole idea.”

---

“Faith, this is Ben. Ben, Faith.”

“Faith, nice to meet you.”

“Hello.”

“Ok, now that we’re done with that let’s all go out to eat!”

“What is she trying to do to us here? I want to talk to him a bit.”

“You all want drinks here first?”

“Yeah, let’s have a drink here first.”

“Ok, you two talk, I’ll bring drinks. Faith, you want your usual?”

“Yeah, please.”

I lean back into the living room.

“Ben, you want your usual?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“So, I assume Lacy told you about us meeting at the Retreat?”

“Yes, she’s told me all about you.”

“What did she say?”

“She said you’re an amazing person that she wants to have in her life and that the two of you get along and have certain things in common.”

“Like being bipolar.”

“Like that. I’m sure your experiences in the Retreat were bonding.”

“You do sort of develop a special relationship with people you’re in there with. Have you ever been to a place like that?”

“No.”

“Well it sucks. Except the getting help part. Which you get some of at the Retreat but some of the doctors are like. Well, the doctors are ok but some of the staff are like. Not helpful. But the doctors are good. I never had Dr. Hunter. I see Dr. Meehan. But from what Lacy says she sounded like a good doctor. You should be happy she got someone good because you never know, some of these places. What else did she tell you?”

“Well.”

“Did she tell you that I’m a fucking maniac? Did she tell you what I did to get into the Retreat?”

“No.”

“She didn’t?”

“No. We never talked about it.”

“So what do you do?”

“Well, I work at a post-production studio.”

“What does that mean. I don’t understand any of this movie-talk.”

“It’s the place you go after your movie is shot, to fix it, to make the sound better, do color correction, stuff like that.”

“So what do you do there?”

“I edit.”

“What does that mean?”

“I take clips from a movie or a film or some type of industrial and I rearrange the pieces to make the edited film. Mostly I do industrials, which are like how-to videos for a corporation. They have us shoot their video and we edit it too, so they have a finished product. So in this case we do the whole project from start to finish, so I guess we’re really more of a production house, not just post.”

“How’d you learn to do that?”

“Went to school.”

“See, I need to learn something like that. How to do something.”

“What kind of work do you do?”

Faith laughs.

“Me? I don’t work. I live with my dad. Before that I used to live in this assisted living facility, where we had staff on-site to help us if we needed help. But I beat up one of the staff so they kicked me out. Now I live with my dad. I hate living with my dad. He doesn’t understand me. I think he hates me, too. He wishes I wouldn’t get in trouble as often, but I can’t help it, I have poor impulse control. That’s a major part of my problem, other than being bipolar, is my impulse control. It means I can’t control what I think about. When I think about something I have to do it. Which can be a bad thing, when you’re me.”

I’m back in the living room with their drinks. I hand Faith a cinnamon schnapps, straight, and Ben his beer. They’re both sitting on the couch. I sit away from them, on a chair, and start to drink my gin and tonic.

“Come back to us!”

“Yes, come over here, sit next to us!”

I move to the couch, between them. It’s cozy.

“Faith and I were just talking about what we do.”

“Yes, I heard.”

Long silence.

“Well, are we gonna talk about.”

That was Faith. She stops talking and sips her cinnamon schnapps.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

That was Ben. He sips his drink.

“Ok,” I say. “Let’s not all act coy, or at least I won’t act coy. I don’t want this to be awkward for anyone and I think we all agreed that everything is ok. At least individually Faith and I and Ben and I have agreed that everything is ok. Right?”

I’m rapidly heading for my drink.

“I think I’m the person most uncomfortable with it,” Faith says.

“Well,” Ben says.

“I mean we just took a shower in your shower. Together.”

“That’s ok.”

“Is it? Are you sure? Because after a while maybe you decide that it isn’t ok.”

“I think that we can all be adults and.”

“Lacy.”

“What.”

“This isn’t a coffee shop conversation.”

“What does that mean?”

“A coffee shop conversation? It means there’s some things you talk about all polite, like in a coffee shop. And some things you talk about straight up because you don’t have time to dick around being pleasant. This is not a coffee shop conversation.”

“You’re right,” I say. “You’re right. As we all know, Faith and I are fucking. We are friends. We like to have sex together. Ben and I are married. We like to have sex together. I am the person in the middle of all of this and I like things the way they are. I think I can handle having sex with each of you and being friends with Faith and Ben being my husband. I love both of you. I don’t see any reason for anything to change. I want both of you to be comfortable with this situation, though, and in order to do that I thought, we all thought, that the two of you should meet. So, is everyone ok with this and can we just go out for dinner, or do we need to talk?”

---

We didn’t need to talk. The three of us went to dinner and it was fine. Ben sat next to Faith in the booth, and I sat on the other side and played footsies with them both. We had more to talk about than I feared. Really, I don’t know why I thought Faith was so worlds apart from us. She had a heart and two kidneys like everyone else. So yeah, I’d say the meeting dinner went well. I was happy that things were going well in my life for once.

At work things went well, too. Gretchen and I kept hanging out, and the validation was nice. Her being the second star of the show and me being the new but important element, it helped my credibility that Gretchen liked me personally. She confided in me that the reason I’d gotten the part was because of my enthusiasm, with Blake Glassman and during my audition in general. The cast had liked me and wanted to work with me. And they all watched my videos, which they said were crazy. My audition videos were a bit wild. I figure why hold back. Gretchen said it was unheard of for me to get that part without tons more auditions but they were stretched for time and everybody, including the director, had a feeling about me. It felt good to hear that. That I had made such a positive impression in so little time. They could feel that I wanted it, that I could do it, and they went with me. I felt I deserved it, and I owned that part every minute I played it, most of it across Tim Goring.

Tim Goring was a whole, kind of, thing. He didn’t socialize like Gretchen did, he wasn’t easy to get to know, probably on purpose. He had his own space and he kept his own space, definitely kept his space from me. He smoked, which you would think would have been a perfect in for me, since I was now smoking, but he smoked with his people, which was mainly his cross-dressing boyfriend who hung out on the set. Tim’s boyfriend was shockingly beautiful, in drag and out, this tiny, thin, goddess of a boy who made everyone want to fuck him. They both smoked. The rest of the time, Tim worked and Tim’s boyfriend sat on this couch in the back of the studio and looked beautiful. So I didn’t get to know Tim Goring smoking.

We mostly got to know each other on stage. We had many scenes together, given that I was his on-screen girlfriend, and we had bedroom scenes together. We would talk a little between takes on those scenes, him pretending he hadn’t been ignoring me all this time around the set.

“It’s ridiculous they’re keeping us here this long,” he’d say.

I’d struggle for a response.

“After last week especially. Last week our union rep should have been fired.”

“Last week was crazy,” I’d say.

Then he’d agree, and I’d go back to wanting to jump him. The time I spend on set with him was easy. I was pretending to be attracted to a man who I was genuinely attracted to, and playing out the simplest of scenes with him. It was all in the script. I just had to play it.

Offstage, I’d sit there pretending not to look, pretending not to like, pretending not to do anything to Tim Goring, when I really just wanted to bounce on his dick.

“I see the way you look at Tim Goring.”

“I want to bounce on his dick, is that bad?”

“Everybody wants to bounce on his dick.”

“Do you?”

Gretchen nods.

“I want to bounce on that motherfucker.”

“You are a sick individual, Lacy.”

“Is that from South Park?”

“I don’t know. Wherever it’s from, it’s true.”

“You know I have bipolar disorder.”

There, I said it.

“No, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah. So I really am a sick individual.”

“That doesn’t make you sick, that just makes you. Special.”

She smiles.

“I’ve spent time in the hospital.”

“Like a psych hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s so cool. That makes me think of John Carpenter’s The Ward. Did you see that?”

“No.”

“It’s about these bunch of girls in a psych ward, they’re getting killed off one by one.”

“Have you ever been in a psych hospital?”

“No.”

“Well it’s nicer than you’d expect from the movies. But it still sucks.”

“Lacy, that’s cool that you’ve been in a psych ward. Everybody here’s been in rehab. Practically everyone. Tim Goring’s been like three times.”

“Have you?”

“No, but I’ve been kicked out of a bar.”

“You have? For what?”

“Drinking too much. I went in there and started off by ordering triple shots. They didn’t think that was too cool.”

“Are you an alcoholic?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t even know what that word means. I hate AA if that’s what you mean.”

“You’ve been?”

“To AA? Tons. So I guess in that sense I’m an alcoholic. But I mean, who isn’t? You seem like you drink your fair share, Lacy.”

“Yeah, my doctors told me to stop drinking. They said it’ll lower my inhibitions, make me want to kill myself.”

“Is that because of the bipolar?”

“Right.”

“Well I’m glad you listened to them!”

“Shut up.”

“So you drink a little.”

“I drink every day, at work.”

“At work? Listen to you. I told you, this isn’t work.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Do you feel like killing yourself?”

“No.”

“Then let’s have another drink.”

---

I’d take Ben on the set of How I Met The Devil he’d pretend to be gay. Hanging out with Tim Goring and Tim Goring’s boyfriend, even smoking with them. He’d kind of snub the rest of us, including me, and he’d use that as a tactic to get girls talking about him. Look at that cute gay guy over there with Tim Goring and Tim Goring’s boyfriend. I don’t know what they talked about. Ben has good looks, though, and he can push his way into even an elite crowd. When he was done proving to everyone that he was gay, he’d come back and find me and then people would really be confused when he’d grab me and kiss me on the neck. Then he’d start talking to girls. My girls, my girlfriends, who were standing with me. He’d totally take over, and have this mystique of being the gay guy who’s with Lacy who we can’t take our eyes off. It was totally annoying. I only took him twice.

“You’re scandalous.”

“Whaa?”

“That thing you’re doing. With pretending to be with Tim Goring’s boyfriend.”

“I’m just talking to him.”

“You’re giving everyone the impression that.”

“What?”

“That you’re gay!”

“Just by talking to him?”

“Oh, Ben, you know what you’re doing.”

“I do not know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re giving everyone the impression you’re gay then you’re using that to hit on my girlfriends.”

“I’m what?”

“You know what you’re doing.”

“I think you’re crazy, Lacy.”

“I AM CRAZY!!”

“Whatever you think I’m doing, I’m not.”

“I’m sorry for yelling. I know what I saw.”

“You saw me hanging out with your friends, which if that bothers you.”

“It doesn’t bother me you hanging out with my friends.”

“Can you stop giving me that face.”

“What bothers me is this little chess maneuver you’re off doing.”

“Lacy, I don’t think this argument is getting anywhere.”

“It isn’t an argument.”

---

“Ben.”

“What.”

“I have a question for you.”

“Yeah.”

“Does it bother you if Faith and I have deep conversations?”

“Why would it?”

“It’s just a question.”

“Does it bother me if you and Faith have deep conversations. No, it doesn’t bother me. I don’t understand the question.”

“Do you think you and I have been having enough deep conversations?”

“I don’t think we’ve been having much deep conversation.”

“Does that bother you?”

“Well, I guess we’ll have whatever kind of conversation we need to have.”

“I miss our deep conversations. I think I’ve been having all mine with Faith lately. Does that bother you?”

“I guess not. Why would it.”

“Well what if you and I are meant to have deep conversations, and I’m messing it up with Faith.”

“I’m happy for you and Faith, you don’t need to change anything there.”

“But I miss, us, Ben. We’re not talking enough, I feel.”

“We’re talking now.”

“This doesn’t count.”

“Lacy, I think everything is perfectly fine and I think you’re making a problem where there isn’t one. I’m sorry, but that’s what I think.”

“And I don’t,” I say, “think everything’s fine.”

---

Me and Gretchen at Mick Sandow’s, sitting on folding chairs drinking Red Bulls.

“So I’ve got this girlfriend.”

“Lol. You kill me Lacy.”

“And I think I’ve been holding her at a distance. Like. Well, ok. The thing is I’ve kind of considered her sort of a project. But now as it unfolds, it’s turning out that she’s a real girlfriend.”

“Well that was your bad for making her your project.”

“I know. I’m stupid, right? I think I’ve got my shit figured out well enough that I can make this girl over ’cause she’s from the projects and she’s got mental health stuff worse than me. I met her at the hospital.”

“You hooked up with this girl at the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“The psych hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“The psych ward.”

“That’s right.”

“You know, that’s cool and all, but why don’t you try focusing on yourself. You do you. That’s what my therapist says. ‘Gretchen, you do you.’ Worry about your own healing, or your own income, or whatever you’re worried about. But make it about you. I never thought I’d be giving anyone this advice.”

“I thought I was selfish.”

“Be more selfish. That’s what my therapist says.”

“It’s working for you.”

“Yeah, maybe. You want another Red Bull?”

“Yeah.”

---

“Faith, I want to make an apology to you.”

“For what?”

“Because I didn’t treat you right at the beginning of our relationship. Even recently. I never should have taken you jogging. I’ve been making you my project.”

“Oh, don’t worry, everyone does it.”

“Oh no!”

“It’s alright.”

“It’s not alright! I don’t believe I did this.”

“You didn’t do it that bad.”

“But I did do it?”

“A little.”

“Oh Faith, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be. I’m serious. It’s just the way I am. It invites people to think they’re better than me. And in some ways you are.”

“No.”

“Yeah. In some ways you are, Lacy. Don’t deny it. You know some things I don’t know. I know some things you don’t know, too.”

“Yes.”

“Like stuff about bipolar disorder. I taught you stuff you didn’t know. I taught you the ropes inside the Retreat!”

“Yes you did.”

“But you’ve taught me things, Lacy, you have.”

“Is it ok?”

“Stop crying. Yeah it’s ok. I wanna learn from you. Like I’d like to get into some kind of job like you and Ben both have. I don’t know if you could teach me to act but I think I could learn editing. I want to learn from you. It’s ok that you try to teach me.”

“It is?”

“Yes. And I like jogging now anyway bitch, so shut the fuck up about that shit. I be jogging without you and shit. One of these days I’m gonna lap your ass twelve days from Sunday.”

“So you don’t mind? I haven’t been too bad?”

“You better stop that little girl shit with me, Lacy, ’fore I come over there and go Dark Knight on your ass. I don’t need that little girl shit to love you, and I do love you, Faith, even when you mess up. You better love me too.”

“I do.”

---

There was this one time when Faith and I were jogging. It was actually right after we had finished running and we were on the bench where we start in Griffith park. And I saw this family. It was a mom, and a dad, and two kids. And they were playing with their kids. And something struck me about them. They were so healthy. You could tell by looking at the woman’s face, like she was well taken care of. No stress. When the husband and wife hugged I got the sense that they never fought, not yelling-type arguments. And even though Ben and I don’t yell at each other, and even though I’m well taken care of in a sense, there was something different about them. Maybe it was simply that they had kids. But I think there was something about the adults, too. There was just a general health around them. And I wished I had it.

“Faith, do you see it?”

“See what?”

“Do you see how that family is glowing?”

“I don’t see a thing.”

---

I decided to go to Dr. Giggle. I push open door ##14.

“Ah, Lacy, what have you been up to?”

“Nothing much.”

“Nothing much, eh? You still have your job?”

“Still have it.”

“You happy with it?”

“I am, yes.”

“So what can I do for you. You want to refill your Adderall?”

“Uh, yes, thanks.”

“I’ll write you up another one of those here.”

“I’ve been thinking.”

“Yes?”

“Well, I saw this family in the park the other day. They looked healthy. It was a dad and a mom and two kids and they had this glow about them. How did they get that? You know? Where did they have to grow up and what schools did they have to go to and what experiences did they have to have to get like that?”

“Maybe it’s some of the experiences they didn’t have.”

“Like what.”

“You’ve suffered from some combination of disease since you were very young. Most people don’t have to deal with that sort of up-hill battle. Being in the hospital, most recently, has got to have been a traumatic experience.”

“But I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t injured or anything.”

“It’s still traumatic. You didn’t expect to go. You were kept from your home for, what, a week? Staying in a psychiatric hospital is a traumatic experience, Lacy. You have to give yourself time to recover from that.”

“But it’s been.”

“Maybe it hasn’t been long enough. Healing takes different amounts of time for different people. Have you thought about the fact that this family you mentioned had kids?”

“I’ve thought about it.”

“Do you think that had something to do with your way of seeing them?”

“Am I even allowed to have kids? With this disease? If bipolar is what I have.”

“Well, bipolar disorder is genetic, so it is passed on from parents to their children. Do you think there’s any chance your husband has it?”

“No. Well. No. He’s not like me.”

“Then that decreases your chances. Of having a child who also has bipolar.”

“Are the chances still high that I’ll pass it on?”

“I don’t know the exact genetics but I could look it up for you.”

“What would you do?”

“Are you thinking of having kids?”

“Not right now. But I’ve thought of it someday.”

“Well.”

“What would you do? What would you recommend?”

“I think the safest thing to do, and I hope you know that I’m not telling you what to do, but I think the safest thing to do would be to not have kids.”

---

“He told me not to have kids.”

“He what?”

“My uterus hurts.”

“He told you straight out not to have kids?”

“Yeah.”

“Well don’t listen to him!

“Faith, I gotta go, Ben’s on the other line.”

“Ok.”

“Bye.”

---

“How was your day?”

“Baby my day was fine how was your day?”

“Oh, you know, got told by my doctor never to have kids.”

“I know. That sucks. How insensitive.”

“He shouldn’t be telling me that.”

“He should give you the info, let you decide.”

“Exactly.”

“Do you want to find another doctor?”

“Maybe. He’s good otherwise. I hope you know I wasn’t like going in there telling him I wanted to have kids or anything, it just came up because of something we were talking about but I’m not on like a get-pregnant kick or anything, ok?”

“I’m not worried.”

“Would you want to have kids though?”

“When we’re ready. I don’t want it to get in the way of.”

“Of our careers, exactly.”

“Exactly.”

“What about the idea of having kids with me because I have bipolar disorder? Does that bother you?”

“Baby, no.”

“No, really, I want to talk about this.”

“It doesn’t bother me.”

“The idea that our kid could have this, could be fucked up like me?”

“Lacy.”

“That we’d be doing that to someone else’s life, who didn’t get to choose.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“I can’t decide. I mean I guess it depends on how bad this is gonna get with me. If it gets worse, then no, if it gets a lot worse.”

“Are you worried about that with you?”

“How bad it’s gonna get?”

“Yeah.”

“Well what if it does? Look at Faith. I know she’s younger but what if I get bad like her?”

“Faith has a whole other set of conditions, cultural, intellectual, you know, she has to deal with. That’s not you. And I don’t mean that to put her down.”

“No, I know. I think it is getting worse, though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. This year. I’ve never been in the hospital before. I never needed that. And my depression. I get to places that are way worse then when I was a kid.”

“Do you feel like the medication’s helping?”

“I don’t know. The Depakote? Maybe. Maybe. I mean I have kept it together for a while, you know? But I’m also exercising. I know that helps. I can’t tell. Anyway, wasn’t the point of this whether or not we can have kids?”

“The point is making sure you get treated well by your doctor. And that you know I love you, as you go through all this. I love you, baby. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“Oh. I almost forgot. I was going to give you this yesterday.”

“Oooh. A present?”

“Kind of.”

Ben goes into the kitchen and comes back with his hands behind his back.

“Pick one,” he says.

I pick the left.

He brings his left hand forward. It’s empty.

“Just show me.”

He does. He brings his right hand forward. It’s my Glock. The G26 Gen4. My baby.

“I thought it was time for you to have it back,” he says.

---

With my baby in hand I was ready to make a certain trip. I had thought of doing it anyway, but I wasn’t sure. Having my baby gave me confidence.

I went on one of our Devil off days, of course. It was over in Hollywood, and I drove around a while before I saw the house number. The house was next to a gas station, and it was hard to see where the entrance was. Anyway, I saw the truck, Mick Sandow’s drink truck, and I knew I was there.

I parked about a half a block away. The gate to his house covered a stairway that went up to the second level. On the first level was an open door that led into a living room where a bunch of children were watching TV. I looked for a buzzer to his house but didn’t see one. I banged on the gate.

No one came. I decided to call.

“Hello?”

“Hi Mick, it’s Lacy. I’m here.”

“You’re here! Come on up.”

I fiddled with the handle and managed to pull his gate open. Inside it was a dark set of stairs with stuff piled on them, statuettes, newspapers, a garden hose. When I stepped to the door at the top of the stairs dogs started barking.

“Shut. Up. Annie.” That was Mick Sandow’s voice coming from inside. “Get in there girl!”

I waited.

“Nick, get your ass in there. Now stay quiet, Lacy’s here.”

Eventually Mick opened the door, but there was still a screen door between us.

“You didn’t bring anyone with you, did you?” He jokes this like a game show host.

“Just me.”

Mick opens the screen door and lets me in. The door opens into his kitchen, which is completely empty except for a picnic table in the middle of the room.

“I’m just working on eBay,” he says.

He’s ducking into a bedroom.

I follow.

The bedroom is filled from head to toe with magazines, Star Wars figures, Legos, Star Wars figures made of Legos. There’s a church pew across one side of the wall. He has a desk with an Apple on it, with something taped over the camera.

“Have a seat,” he says.

He’s clearing off part of the church pew.

“I was meaning to ask you. If you know anything about computers. Got a problem with my email program.”

“No, I don’t really know much about them.”

I sit. I’m crammed between the armrest and this colossal pile of junk.

“So you don’t know much about email?”

“No.”

“What email do you use?”

“Gmail.”

“That’s what I use! So here’s my problem. When you click on a link, that’s an email address, it doesn’t open in gmail. It opens Apple’s mail program. I want those to open Gmail. How do I do that?”

I’m looking at Mick Sandow, surrounded by action figures, his knees up next to his chin, clicking on this one email link on his screen, trying to get it to open in Gmail.

“I wonder if Ben might be able to help you out.”

“Does he know computers?”

“Well no, but he knows them better than I do.”

“Well ask him next time you talk to him, will ya? This thing’s been driving me crazy. You would think. If you were in Gmail. And you clicked on a link to an email address. That it would open in Gmail.”

“I really don’t know.”

“Well it’s good you came by. It’s good to see you. Nice to see someone outside of work I think.” Then he makes a broad sweeping gesture with his arms and says, “This is it!” Smiling like the fucking Mad Hatter. “So what are we doing today?”

“You mean?”

“Yeah, you want some more Addys?”

“Yes please.”

“You’re so polite Lacy. Does it ever drive anyone sick? It doesn’t drive me sick I’m just saying, does it ever drive anyone sick? Don’t answer that. You want. Adderall. I’ve got Adderall. XRs. Right? You want XRs?”

“I’d love XRs.”

“You’re not leaving on me, are you? Right after this? I like to keep my in-and-out traffic to a minimum. You can stay a while?”

“Sure. Can I smoke in here?”

“Shit yeah. We’ll sell Jedis. Yeah. Jedis sell. You wouldn’t believe how much money I make off selling Lego motherfuckin’ Star Wars action figure motherfuckers these motherfuckers’ll buy any motherfuckin’ thing that says ‘Lego’ and ‘Star Wars’.”

I’m thumbing an inch-high figure of Boba Fett.

Mick sets a plastic baggie filled with Adderall XRs on the table next to it.

“You can pay me later.”

“What?”

“Don’t wave any of that Hollywood money at me, cute one. Don’t wave any cuteness at me either.”

He taps out a small pile of cocaine from a medicine bottle, on the other side of Boba Fett.

He closes the bottle.

“Do you have your ID on you? You want to cut us up some lines?”

“I don’t know how,” I say, “I’ve never done coke before.”

---

Well he loved that. He didn’t let on but you could tell, around the corners of his mouth. You could tell in these bright spots in his eyes. He got up and reached on top of this one cabinet and brought down a mirror, square, set into some wood. He took the keyboard off its drawer and set the mirror where the keyboard had been.

“Lemme see your ID,” he says.

I go through my purse and get it.

Mick takes my ID and smashes down the coke into a flat almost circle. He smashes it down as hard as it’ll go. Then he takes the edge of my ID and starts chopping off little lines of coke. Then he slides some of that over to the side. Then, in one motion, he takes my driver’s license at a slant and brings it along the side of the coke and makes one smooth, long line.

“Do you have a twenty?”

I start looking in my purse.

“You’ve probably got a fifty. Nah, skip that, let me get a straw. It’s easier with a straw. Hold on.”

Mick leaves me and I’m looking at the computer screen, something in my belly beginning to tighten up. There’s Lando Calrissian, Star Wars Vintage 1980 Han Solo/Lando/Storm Trooper Lot 3, Star Wars Vintage ROTJ Lando Calrissian/Skiff/Guard Disguise (Mint On Card), and a bunch of other listings. Mick comes back with a straw, which he hands to me.

“Just cover one side and breathe in, hard.”

I put my purse on his table, making sure my baby isn’t showing.

“You can kneel here if it’s easier.”

“Ok.”

I get down, kneeling in front of his keyboard tray, but my hair keeps getting in the way. I almost fuck up the coke with it dangling down there.

“Let me hold it. Do you mind if I hold it?”

“I have a rubber band.”

“Your choice.”

“Just hold it.”

Mick’s hand around my hair, at the back of my neck.

“Breathe in hard,” he says.

I take the straw in hand, cover one nostril, stick the straw up the other, and breathe in.

“Did you get it?”

I lean up, put the straw down. Mick lets go of my hair.

It comes on, a lightness in my lungs, in my head.

I nod at Mick and smile.

“It’s good, isn’t it.”

“Yeah.”

“Just sit back and enjoy that a minute.”

I get up and go to the church pew.

“How come I never tried that before?”

“Kinda changes everything, don’t it.”

“Yeah.”

My stomach is feeling like butterflies. Really strong.

It extends out through my wrists, my hands, my fingertips.

My face feels free.

Then I start feeling like I have to take a shit.

Like, right now.

“Mick.”

“Yeah. You liking it?”

“I need to use your restroom.”

“Yeah, that’ll do that to ya. It’s good stuff. It makes me have to shit just thinking about it. Bathroom’s right around the left. Oh shit. Got my dogs in there. Hold on, let me get em out so you can go.”

Mick had to let both Annie and Nick out of the bathroom, and into his bedroom. He had me wait in the eBay room while he did this, and these was so much claw scratching and barking it sounded like he had four dogs. I waited quietly hoping the dogs wouldn’t hear me, all the while squeezing my butt cheeks together to keep in this pressing shit that I had.

“Ok, they’re out. Come on out. Sorry about that. Company makes ’em hyper, so I have to keep them away. Bathroom’s right there. Meet me back. I’ll just be right in here.”

“Thanks.”

---

“You better now?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, should’ve warned ya.”

“It makes you have to shit??”

“Yeah. It’s cut with baby laxative.”

“Are you doing some?”

“Yeah, I was waiting for you!”

“Well don’t wait. This isn’t a coffee shop conversation.”

“What?”

“It means, you know, get on with your life. We don’t have time for bullshit.”

“Right on.”

Mick has his own straw, and he cuts himself off a line and does it. One, clean, sniff.

“There it is.”

He sets his straw down.

“That’s your first time doing that, really?”

“Real as the shit I just took in your bathroom.”

“How long you been in LA?”

“Just got here. This year.”

“You landed a good job, Lacy.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean tha’s a good job. People fight years in this town to get a job like that. You deserve it, though, I’m sure you do. I can tell just by the way you talk to me.”

“Why, how do I talk to you?”

“Like I’m not a low-life.”

“Why would I talk to you like you’re a low-life?”

“Because I run a food truck.”

“You run a drink truck,” I say. “And anyway, who would do that on our set?”

“Lots of people.”

“Well that sucks.”

“It is what it is.”

“I hate that expression.”

“Well excuse me.”

“It’s just my opinion, but that expression doesn’t mean anything anymore. People say it too much.”

“Well I like it. It sums up a lot, I think.”

“I respect that.”

“Want to sell some Boba Fett?”

“Ok.” I put my hands on my lap and say it excitedly.

“Want to do another line first?”

“Ok.”

As he’s setting up the lines I ask him about his dogs.

“What are they named after?”

“Well Annie is named after Annie, from the movie Annie. And Nick is just Nick.”

“I think the world needs more Annie energy,” I say.

“Well you certainly bring more of it to our little stage.”

---

“Who’s Jek Porkins?”

“He’s a starfighter in Episode IV!”

“I never heard of no Jek Porkins!”

“He’s the fat star pilot in the first movie, he’s like ‘please hold together, please hold together!’ and then he explodes.”

“No one’s gonna buy Jek Porkins.”

“Oh yes they will! You watch. We might sell Jek Porkins today.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You wanna try to cut your own line this time?”

“Yeah, I could do that. Come ’ere little baby, we’re gonna have ourselves a barbeque.”

“You’re a random girl, Lacy.”

“Thank you Jek Porkins.”

“How you liking those Addy XRs?”

“I’m liking them right now.”

“Good.”

“Do you do ’em?”

“Not really. I stick to coke. And other things. But I like my customers to be satisfied.”

“Is that what I am?”

“Among other things.”

“Can I keep getting them from you?”

“Like am I gonna keep having ’em around? Yeah, for you I can. You get tired of going to your doctor?”

“He told me not to get pregnant because I have bipolar disorder.”

“He can’t tell you that.”

“Well, it was his recommendation. I like him, though, he’s a good doctor. He works out of a motel on Cahuenga.”

“Strange town.”

“Do you see him for other medicine?”

“Why, you wanna buy it?”

“Depends on what it is.”

“Depakote. Seroquel.”

“Yeah, no. Why you take Seroquel?”

“’Cause I’m fucked in the head.” I’m tapping the figurine of Boba Fett on my head as I say this. He’s become my mascot.

“Did you forget about something?”

“Oh!”

I look down at the pile of coke. Ok, I think I can do this. I find my ID, which is on the computer table for some reason, and I look at the back. There’s little bits of coke smashed into the plastic. I have an eye on Mick Sandow and I lick the coke off.

“Rub it into your gums.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, like this.”

I imitate him. It makes my mouth numb. It’s sour.

“Why do you do that?”

“Feels good.”

“Oh.”

“So why do you take Seroquel?”

“Because I have bipolar II with psychotic features.”

Mick takes the ID from me.

“I like to lick bugs,” I tell him, and I laugh. “I do weird things. I have relationships, in my mind, with people who aren’t there. My doctor says it can be worse. But. You know, I get paranoid that people are thinking things that they’re not. Mostly she says it’s because I have bizarre thinking, which leads me to operate in a world that’s composed of my imagination instead of operating in the world of reality that’s presented around me. I was in the hospital for six days because I wanted to kill myself, I’ve wanted to kill myself before, since I was young, but never as seriously as this time. This time I was really thinking about it. I called a suicide hotline. This is before I started work on Devil. I’m a fucked up individual, Mick. Boba Fett’s not going to help me now.”

Mick has two more lines cut.

“Do I seem fucked up to you?”

“Not really. Do you feel fucked up?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes not. Life is supposed to be fun, isn’t it?”

“We can stop this if you’re not having fun.”

“No that’s just the thing. I am having fun. I am. This is fun. But you’ve gotta look in unusual places to find this kind of fun this kind of fun isn’t just hanging out there. Can I get some of this to take with me of course I could right what am I asking? Right? Could I? Me and my husband could do it together? If he even would. See. That’s the thing. If he even would. Is this the type of fun I have to keep to myself?”

“No. There’s lots of people who have this kind of fun.”

“What about Gretchen? Do you think she’d be into this kind of fun? I shouldn’t ask.”

“I think. Gretchen would surprise you. This is a fun town. You just gotta meet the right people. We keep forgetting our fun.”

He looks down at the lines he’s cut.

“I know. They look so sad, don’t they. They look like snow skis, little snow skis, maybe forgot them on a mountain, and they need little ski-handle-poles to go with them. Do you have ski-handle-poles? In all this junk you have in here? Sorry.”

“No, it is junk. Ski handle poles. Hm. Maybe on some of this Lego.”

“No. Forget it. I can take my medicine like a woman. Don’t need ski-handle-poles. Nope. Where’s my straw. I can do this. How many of these have we done? You won’t let me do too much, won’t you. Won’t you let me do too much? That sounded wrong. There was a verb missing there. Maybe an impassive. Thank you. Here goes. Mick. Thanks for this. Thanks for inviting me over. This is a blessing, a treat.”

“You wanna do your line?”

“Ok.”

So I lean into it, and he holds my hair back as I do it, and I don’t mind at all. It’s a friend thing. He hasn’t made any moves on me since I’ve been here. I can forget about little baby sitting over there in my purse. It’s just a thing people do for each other, like in college when you needed your hair held because you were puking. It’s a thing friends do for each other when they’re in a situation, like a war. That’s what me and Mick are in, we’re in a war together, the war of selling How I Met The Devil to its audience, who needs entertainment with people like me as its star. Well, not star. But sub-star. Lesser star in the Tim Goring and Gretchen York universe. This was what I was familiarizing myself with, here in the Star Wars room.

I sniff my line, and I pull back, bringing my head up and grabbing my own hair, and I stand up on the church pew and stretch my arms out and fake-scream as loud as I can.

---

“Feeling restless?”

“No, I feel great. I feel free right now I feel like I’m on top of things. Don’t you? Like stage 12 is this big and we can run around it in an inch.”

“In an inch?”

“In an inch! We deserve to be working there, Mick. We earned it. You did. Didn’t you say you started with no truck?”

“Yeah.”

“You earned it. You earned your spot. I see you work hard.”

“Yeah.”

“I like people who work hard. I work hard.”

“I bet you do.”

“I do, Mick. I nail that part in there. Nail it. You know they’re giving Tim Goring’s girlfriend more scenes?”

Mick shakes his head.

“They are. All. Because. Of me. She’s moving in with Tim Goring which means more screen time, more scenes, more features. Of me. I earned that.”

I knock on the table to emphasize my point. I realize I’m clenching my hand and flexing the muscles in my feet, just this constant flex. I relax for a second. Ahh. Must relax.

“Lemme take this,” Mick says.

He gets up. He’s talking in his phone.

“You can come over anytime, sweet kid. Come on over. Ok. See ya. Bye. Oh wait. Would you bring some Cheetos, and a six pack? Yeah. Flamin’ Hot Limón. Yeah. Thanks babe.”

“I should probably be going.”

“No, why?”

“Well I’ve got to get back to Ben, he’ll be home in a while and I need to be there for that.”

“You’re not leaving ’cause I’m having someone over, are ya? You can stay.”

“Can I?”

“Shit yeah. This is just my little skydiver friend. She’s a speed freak. I mean, literally, she’s a speed freak. But she likes things high. She likes things fast. Me and her go skydiving together. She got me into it.”

“And it’s ok if I stay?”

“Shit yeah! I was texting her to see if she’d come over while you were here, because I thought you two might like each other.”

“Ok. Can I sit right here?”

“Lacy, that’s your seat.”

“Am I freaking you out?”

“What do you mean?”

“Am I getting too weird on this stuff?”

“No, you’re excited, you’re having a good time, that’s what it should be.”

“As long as you don’t think I’m getting too expansive.”

“Expansive? What?”

“I’m supposed to be on the lookout for that. With my bipolar. It’s a sign I’m getting manic.”

“Lacy, you know what I think?”

“What.”

“I think you need to relax. You’re over here, you’re having a good time. We’re having fun. Get expansive. There’s nothing wrong with that. You want to feel your feelings, know what you know. You can’t legislate life down into the little pieces. You’ve got to let it flow.”

“Can’t legislate into little pieces. Got to let it flow.”

“That’s right. We’re all dying, you’ve just got to enjoy what goodness there is, before you die. You’ve got a long time before you die, lot longer than me. Start today and just take every moment and love it. Give it a nifty little hug. That’s what I think. Now call me crazy. But that’s really how I believe you have to do this life.”

---

“Sonora. Did you go out jumping today?”

“Yes I did.”

“Went without me. Well I’ll be damned.”

“Couldn’t wait on your old ass. Who’s this?”

Sonora is standing just inside the junk room. Her hair still looks like it’s windblown from the jump.

I stand.

“I’m Lacy.”

“Sonora.”

Sonora turns to Mick. She mouths the words.

“What’s she doing here.”

“She’s just hanging out. Lacy is ok. I meant to tell you in text but you were too fast.”

Sonora is carrying a six pack of beer and a bag of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Limón. She’s shorter than me, dark skin, hot body.

“She want a beer?”

“Lacy, do you want a beer?”

“Sure.”

“Sonora, sit down over there on the other side of that pew. Lacy’s got her spot all staked out there. We’re just doing some lines. Y’all wanna do some more?”

“What you doing lines of?”

“That one white bitch.”

“Do you have any of that other white bitch?”

“You know it.”

Sonora looks at me, long, before she sits down. She sets the beer between us and offers me one. I grab it. She tosses the pack of Cheetos to Mick.

“Love me some Cheetos.”

“You’re crazy about those things.”

“Thanks for bringing supplies.”

“No problem.”

Sonora opens her beer. She holds it out for me to cheers but she still looks very, very suspicious about me.

“Sorry, I’m just not used to people being here when I come over.”

“I’m sorry. If I.”

I start to stand up.

“Sit down, Lacy. Sit down. It’s ok. Usually when I have people over I have them over one at a time but today I was feeling gregarious. Did I use that word right?”

“Yes.”

“So I decided you two should meet. You’re both cool. Everything’s ok. Let’s do some lines and be friends and be happy.”

“Cool,” Sonora says. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, you didn’t. I just. Want to respect your privacy.”

“Yours too.”

“Sonora, you want some of that other white bitch.”

Sonora takes off her bag.

“Yeah.”

“Lacy, what Sonora and I are talking about is crystal. Ice. You can try some of that or you can keep doing what you were doing. It’s no pressure.”

“Has she never done it before?”

“This is her first time doing coke.”

“Jesus. Maybe she better stick to that.”

“You can do just a small hit of crys, if you want. Or you do a line of coke while we do this.”

“Which one’s better?”

Mick starts to laugh but Sonora says, “This one’s better. Way better. Give her a little bump.”

---

Mick set out the bumps on his mirror, three small piles of crystal meth. It looked the same as the coke, except slightly less white. More clear. And different-sized granules.

He smashed it down with my ID, same as before, then got the piles ready.

“Do you just snort it?”

“Just the same.”

“Why isn’t it in a line?”

“We could do it in lines,” Sonora says. “We just sometimes do it this way.”

“So I snort it, just, straight down?”

“Just hover it over the pile and snort. It’s gonna sting.”

“Oh, yeah. This is gonna sting. Just suck through it.”

“How bad is it gonna sting?”

“It’s gonna sting a lot. Mick, just let her do coke.”

“No, no, I wanna try this. What’s it gonna do to me?”

“Make you high.”

“I’m already high.”

“Just try it, only way to find out. You want me to go first?”

“No, I want to get it over with. Are you guys like laughing at the new girl with this?”

“No.”

“No.”

“Everyone’s got a first time. Do it. You got this.”

Sonora rubs my shoulders. They tingle.

I exhale, getting all the air out of my lungs so I don’t accidentally breathe out on the mirror, then I lean down and put the straw to my nose. I decide to use the other side this time because it’s been clogging with the coke. I breathe in, fast. It stings like a motherfucker, burning all down the back of my nose. My eye waters. I sit back, leaning against the seat of the pew.

“You ok?”

“I don’t feel anything.”

“You will.”

“You need a tissue, Lacy?”

I wipe my eye with my finger.

“I’m ok.”

So those two go. Sonora first, then Mick. I’m just sitting back feeling my nose sting. Feeling a warm tingling start at the back of my head, then on my sides. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is pain, or if it’s coming on. Then there’s a feeling in my head, a waver, then a rush. And I’m holding onto the back of the pew, sliding myself up so I can sit on it, and on the way up I definitely feel it, a warmth rushing into all parts of my body. It’s hard to describe. But over the next few minutes I knew I was feeling crystal, as everything about me became good and happy and tingly and hot. My chest expanded, or felt expanded, like I had the fullest breath of air inside me. My heart was beating faster, fluttering. And I felt amazing.

“She’s feelin’ it now.”

“Yep. She’s feelin’ it.”

“Are you with us, Lacy?”

“Hold onto my hand. That’s nice, isn’t it?”

Sound was just barely making it to my ears. My palms were sweaty. Mick and Sonora felt like they were above me, looking down, even though they must have been right beside me. Sonora’s hand was on my back. Mick was holding my hand. I felt close to them, in love, almost, and I was really glad I had come here.

---

“You were out of it for a minute there.”

“Yeah, you were really out of it dude.”

“Am I ok?”

“Yeah you just. Tried crystal meth. For the first time. You’re fantastic. You couldn’t be better. Drink some of that beer.”

I forgot about my beer. The feeling hadn’t gone away, I just got used to it. I was still rushing like a motherfucker on that stuff.

“I gotta call my husband.”

“Why?”

“I gotta talk to him.”

“Does he know you’re here?”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him anything about where I am I just gotta call so he doesn’t get worried.”

“Let her make her phone call.”

I stand.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. I’m good.”

I take a step. It’s ok. I’ve adjusted to it enough. I take a few more steps and I’m almost out of the room.

I go to the picnic table and realize I’ve forgot my phone. It’s in my bag, which has my gun.

“Did you forget something?”

“Yes.”

I’m clomping back through the room. I carefully open my purse and take the phone out. Set the bag back on Mick’s desk.

Back in the kitchen, I’m fumbling with my phone, trying to get it to dial Ben. There we go.

“Lacy?”

“Hey Ben!”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t know. You just sound.”

“I’m fine. How are you baby?”

“Ok. Still at work.”

“How’s work been?”

“Oh, it’s alright. Just, you know.”

“So Ben, I’m thinking I might be home a little late tonight.”

“Why? Where are you?”

“I’m at a friend’s house.”

“Is it Gretchen York?”

“No.”

Then an inhale. “Is it Tim Goring?”

“No. It’s someone else I work with. Just hanging out. So no big deal, but I think I might stay over here a while.”

“Like how late?”

“I don’t know. What time is it now?”

“Four.”

“So I could be here for like. Another three hours?”

“No problem. Do you want me to wait on dinner?”

“No, you go ahead.”

“Are you guys eating there?”

“Yeah, I’m having. This and that.”

“Ok, well I’ll see you later. Have fun.”

“Ok, see you later. Ben.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“Well I love you too, Lacy.”

“Ok. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I go to the junk room and stand next to Mick. He and Sonora are talking. I eat a couple of Cheetos. It’s a glorious room. Everything it’s filled with. Mick, my man from studio 12. Sonora, sky jump girl, just getting to know her. I feel like I own the place enough to go in, tap some more coke from Mick’s medicine bottle, and cut my own lines. I’m settling in on the floor. Smashing down the powder. Cutting off a line for me, not as expert as Mick but with a couple of movements I get it. Take my straw. Get that rubber band out of my purse. Tie my hair back. And I do it. Sniff. And it hits me right away, no burn. I think I’ve found my drug.

---

I kept doing coke with them. They were doing bumps of crystal meth. And every once in a while Mick would do a line of coke with me. I didn’t think too much about the fact I’d gone from never-tried-coke to tried-coke-and-crystal-meth in one night. I was too into what we were doing, which was be high and talk about being high. Talk about our lives. Help Mick with his email problem. The things people do. The things people do when they get together and have money and access to drugs. I almost think that anyone with excess money would do what we were doing in that situation, that it’s just about having time on your hands and the convenience of being able to do that sort of thing. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just my personality. My dad and mom would never do that. But they’ve never lived in LA.

Sonora and I got to be friendly.

Mick let his dogs out.

The three of us went downstairs to go to the gas station convenience store to get more Cheetos.

I felt comfortable with these people, like they were my own. I could lie back on Sonora’s lap and put my feet on Mick’s church pew. Sonora could touch my hair. Mick could entertain us all with his dance he did while standing in his chair. We laughed.

I got to the point where I was snorting in front of them, not the coke, but excess phlegm that was released by the coke, snorting it up through my nose. That started with little sniffles. Then Mick was like, “Just snort it.”

And I was like, “Really?”

And he was like, “Weren’t you the one talking about this ain’t no coffee shop conversation? Yeah, just snort that shit.”

So I did. I just snorted it in front of them, as gross as that is. But it wasn’t gross in front of them. They allowed it. It was ok.

Then it was getting dark and I knew I had to go home.

“I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t go.”

“But Ben’ll be expecting me.”

“Don’t ask me to convince you to go, I want you to stay. Can you really drive right now anyway?”

“Probably. Probably not.”

“See? Exactly.”

“But I have to go. No, I’m sorry. Sonora, this has been fun. Mick. I owe you.”

“We’ll take care of it.”

“Yes. Do you want something to go?”

“Like what?”

“Like some blow, sistah.”

“Can I?”

“You can. Just a little something to get you through the night.”

So Mick wrapped it up, and I put it in my bra, and me and Sonora were saying our goodbyes, each of us with a cigarette in our hands, then Mick was walking me to the door and telling me he’d see me tomorrow and I was telling him thanks for the time and for everything and then we did our hugs goodbye.

---

Half a block away, in my puma, I thought about the coke. I thought about doing some more right then, before I drove. But I decided not to. I checked to make sure I had my gun, then put it in gear and headed home.

Driving was interesting. I was clenching, and I had to force myself to relax. I opened the windows. Felt the wind in my face. Drove fast, but not too much over the speed limit. Freaked out for a minute thinking I had left my ID at Mick’s house but messed around in my purse and found it. Back side chalky with white powder. Probably not the best thing if you get stopped by the cops. And then I was thinking about cops, and I thought of William, Officer Braxton, who had helped me get from a fountain at the Arclight in downtown Hollywood into a police car and into a mental hospital. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to thank him or not, but I felt a tenderness for him that he wanted to help me, and that he had taken the time to talk with me, that night.

I pulled off the highway and stopped at a gas station. Inside, I bought Cheetos, more cigarettes, and a post card for William. I sat in the car and used a pen from the glove compartment to write him a message. I just thanked him for helping me, and told him that it meant a lot to me that he would take his time to do that. I didn’t know where to send it, though, so I just set it in the passenger seat. That made me think of Gabby Gabby! Her momma had been out partying with friends and had forgotten all about her! We would have to play when I got home. I thought about doing some of my to-go coke at the gas station but there was nothing in the car to do it on and it seemed likely someone would see me, so I decided to wait, and I got back on the highway.

In front of the house, I moved my to-go coke from my bra to my purse, then looked at myself in the mirror. Eyes wild. Check the nose. Any powder? Wipe it off anyway. No one’s gonna know. Just something you did with friends from work, is all. Just a day out with friends. No need to alarm Ben with the details and oh my god I did fucking crystal meth tonight what were you thinking? I wasn’t thinking, clearly. I wish I could undo that. Wish I could make it not have happened. It’s ok, Lacy. You’re a grown-up. Grown-ups sometimes do things they regret. You don’t have to fall to pieces over it.

---

Ben was inside watching TV.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey.”

I go straight to him, I’m not going to act like I’m hiding anything. I lean down to him and kiss him.

“How was time with your friends?”

“It was ok. I’m thinking of taking a shower. You gonna be down here?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be back, ok?”

“Ok, great.”

“Can I make you some food?”

“No, I already ate.”

---

In the upstairs bathroom, I open my purse. I’m dying to do some more. It stops working, you want that initial rush again, you go back for another line. My first night I quickly found that out. I turned on the shower, so there would be that noise. We didn’t have a mirror except the one on the wall so I used the counter, tapped out a small amount and used my ID to smash it down like Mick had done, then cut myself off a couple small lines. I used a five dollar bill from my wallet, rolled it up. Did one. Ah, that burst. Sweet taste in the back of my mouth. I knelt on the floor. Clenched my fists. It felt so good. I wondered what it felt like to cum while you were high on this stuff, thought about masturbating. Ben wouldn’t notice I was high, would he? Almost as soon as I’d done that first line I wanted the second one. Should I wait until I take my shower? No, can’t leave it out in case Ben comes in for whatever reason. Do it. I did it. Snorted that second line. Felt it. Oooh. Re-wrapped my little baggie, put it in my purse. Took my clothes off. Got in the shower. Felt like my heart was going to explode in there, my heart was beating so fast.

---

“So wha’d you guys to?”

“Huh?”

“Wha’d you do today?”

“Hung out with friends.”

“I know, but what did you do? Did you go somewhere?”

“We just watched TV.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We watched old episodes of Devil, if you can believe that.”

“You guys are insane.”

“Pathetic, right?”

“Eh.”

“Here Gabby Gabby we’re gonna get some momma time. Eww, she stinks.”

“We gotta give her a bath.”

“When’s the last time you gave her a bath?”

“Like two weeks ago.”

“Ben!”

“I know, we’ve gotta do it tonight.”

“I don’t want to do it tonight, Ben, I’m feeling kindof sick.”

“You’re feeling bad?”

“I just feel a little out of it, is all.”

“Well we’ll give her a bath some other night.”

“It’s not just that I think I’m going to go lie down.”

“Are you alright, baby?”

“Probably I’m just. Whatever. You gonna be ok down here?”

“Maybe I’ll come watch TV upstairs. Is that ok?”

“Sure, yeah.”

Ben watched TV on his computer next to me while I tried to sleep, which was impossible. I lay there listening to the dialogue and thought of how much better we did it on Devil. We had a good show going there, and I was a part of that. Soon my episodes would start airing, and my mother and my friends and everyone would start seeing them. They would see the result of that hard work I had put in, the result of moving out here and getting that audition and nailing it, the result of day in and day out going to the Warner Bros. lot and making that show. Of all the dressing up and makeup and takes and retakes. They would see it. But could Ben turn down his sound for god damn?

“Can you use headphones?”

“You want me to use headphones?”

“It just might help me sleep.”

So he wore headphones. And as soon as he put them in, it was too quiet. The quiet was driving me crazy, actually. I wanted to go to the bathroom and do more lines. But I couldn’t start that again. I knew I’d just want more, and then I’d be in there all night. Ben would figure it out. He could tell I was acting bitchy. Light off. Light on. Nothing could make me happy. I knew soon I just had to stick with something and hope to fall asleep, or he would know that something was up. Why did I do this stuff? This is the shitty part, I guess, wanting to go to sleep but not being able to, not being able to get comfortable in your own home. I wanted to fuck Ben but I didn’t want to. It might be too much trouble. What if I couldn’t decide on positions just like I couldn’t decide if I wanted the light on or light off? Everything was going fast for me, like Minnie Mouse. Except this frenetic, adult Minnie Mouse. I knew if I did another line it would calm me down for a while. I was going to have to do one. I got up. I acted normal. I went to the bathroom.

I was in there, shakily cutting off my next lines. I mean my hands were shaking by now. Couldn’t hold my ID steady. Neck muscles clenching. Kneeling on the floor looking over the bathroom counter at these feeble little lines I’m cutting. Get the five dollar bill up to my nose. Breathe. Rush. Enjoy it. Looking at the bathroom walls. Seeing the edge of my PJ shorts. Feeling them. Feeling sexual. Wanting to do something with Ben but not wanting him to find out. Does he notice? Isn’t it obvious I’m sitting here in the bathroom doing lines of coke! He’s right through that door, watching television. How does he know nothing? Put the coke away. Wrap it, put it in my purse, lick the back of my ID. Feeling it on my gums. The numbness. I almost just wanna tell Ben that I’m doing it. ’Cept I know he would be angry. Or hurt. Can I keep this as a secret from him? Wouldn’t that ruin our relationship? This is just something I do for work. With work people. I throw open the door.

“Ben.”

“What?”

“I wanna fuck.”

---

I didn’t sleep that night. I lay there, in this trance state, unable to stop my mind. Staring at the blinds, and the light that came through them, battling, wanting, trying to force myself to sleep. Wanting to go in the bathroom and do more lines but knowing that would only prolong my pain. I was thinking ahead to what would happen in the morning. Ben had to leave earlier than me, which meant I would be stuck here with an hour or so before I needed to leave for Devil, with a baggie full of coke to tempt me. By then maybe it would be ok to do a couple more. I needed to lie here, as relaxed as possible. If I couldn’t sleep, at least I’d get a night’s rest, and I’d be ok in the morning. Except my brain couldn’t sleep. It rushed with ideas of the day, with thoughts of doing more coke, with the people I knew and which ones I’d fallen out of touch with, while with other ones I’d fallen in.

Ben went to work, he didn’t notice anything was up. We ate breakfast together and I forced myself through some cereal. He left to catch the bus and I was sitting on the couch with Gabby Gabby lying to myself about how soon I was going to do another line of coke. I went upstairs and looked at the bag. Got it as far as taking it out of my purse, then put it back. I couldn’t do any more right now. I’d take it to work with me, do some at lunch. My heart had slowed down and I wanted to keep it that way. I felt terrible, felt like ass, couldn’t get my teeth clean enough and couldn’t convince myself that I looked ok. Even though I looked fine. I just felt off. I felt crabby and excited at the same time. There was a part of my stomach that wouldn’t keep from doing butterflies, even though my eyes were heavy. I took another shower and this time felt more like a human being. I lay in bed afterward and almost felt normal.

Instead of waiting around, I went to work early. On the drive in I felt like I wanted to be in bed for an entire week to recover. My body was feeling more and more tired. I closed my eyes a couple times while I was driving.

Getting to the lot, I wondered why I had come in early. Now I would just have extra time here to consider how awful I felt, and if I saw anyone I would have to act normal. There was nowhere to go, I decided. Stage 12 was pathetic, sitting there alone waiting for people to show up. I was that close to going to the bathroom and doing another line of coke when I thought of the food trucks. Those guys would be there early.

---

“Hey Mick.”

“Lacy. Yo. How’s it going?”

“It’s ok. I haven’t slept. Have you?”

“Yeah, I dozed.”

“Well I’ve been up all night.”

“Did you do any more of that?”

“Yep. A little. Then I stopped. Did you and Sonora hang out?”

“Yeah, she stayed over a while. Then she headed on out of there. Did you want to. Do a little more of that now?”

“I brought mine with me.”

“Good to have a little to help you come down. I’ve got some here, you want to come on in the truck?”

“Should I?”

“You’re asking me? Yeah. It’ll make you feel better.”

“Do I look bad?”

“Well, not bad. But.”

“How do I look?”

“You look. Off.”

“I can’t look off. That’s my job, is to look on.”

“Then do a little more of this with me, now, and you can have all night tonight to come down easy. You’re not mad at me for introducing you to the stuff, are you?”

“I love it I’m just having trouble at the moment.”

“Did you take your Adderall?”

“Shit. I forgot to take all my medicine. Dammit, dammit. You have more of that stuff?”

“Yup.”

I go inside the truck.

---

“How’s it going Lacy?”

“Great. Fucking great. Fantastic. I’m free as a bird!” I sing the last part.

“Good.”

Gretchen puts her hand on my leg.

“Good. I’m glad to hear that this is going to be one of those fucking days.”

“Are you having one of those days?”

“Yeah.”

“Well me too. Me TOO,” I shout, and my word fills the stage.

“What’s wrong with your day?”

“My day?”

“Yeah.”

“My day. My day is not being able to sleep.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Not knowing what the fuck I’m doing in this lifetime and being a crazy fucking bitch.”

“So. Typical Lacy.”

“Thanks, bitch.”

“You’re welcome.”

“What the fuck is wrong with your day. Compare with that.”

“Just dealing with the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend and getting my period.”

“At least you’re not pregnant.”

Gretchen and I chink our bottled waters.

“You know what I’m going to do today?”

“What?” she says.

“Fuck somebody up. I am going to fuck somebody up.”

Gretchen inhales.

“Good Lacy. Just make it not me. Then I support your plan one-hundred percent.”

---

“Mick, hook me up.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, let’s go again. They’re not shooting my scenes. Do you think they’d be shooting my scenes?”

“Alright, but this is it for a while.”

“No, Mick, I’m feeling better.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah, I’m waking up.”

“Good. You seem more.”

“With it?”

“More alert. You were dragging a bit this morning.”

“Get in the truck, Mick.”

---

I went from feeling super-down and like I wanted to crawl under a rock to feeling totally out there, totally awake, absolutely ready to do my job. I had just had a slump in the morning, I was recovered, I was feeling my best now. I had scored an Adderall XR from Mick earlier and I think that helped bring me back. The lines of coke were just extra, now, icing on the cake. I had this motherfucker. Didn’t have to tell Ben, didn’t have to tell no one. Gretchen I might tell ’cause she and I were open with each other. I felt like I wanted to jump through the ceiling! Could hardly sit in the studio. Drinking tons of water had started to help, too. And if Mick cut me off I had my stash from last night that I had brought with me. I could start doing lines of that in the bathrooms. Fuck ’em. FUCK ’EM! I had this. I could act like this. Get Tim Goring over here. Show ’em something special today.

“Gretchen, do you partake?”

“Lacy, what?”

“Do you partake?”

Gretchen laughs.

“For instance.”

I open my purse and take out the plastic baggie and show it to her. I twirl it around in my hand.

“Oh, do I partake?”

“Exactly.”

Gretchen closes her hand over the bag.

“Better put that away.”

“But tell me though, do you partake?”

“Yes,” she nods.

We’re struggling with the bag, her trying to get it back in my purse, me trying to keep it out, and I pull her off balance in her chair.

“Lacy, you should put that away, right now.”

I put it away.

“It’s away.”

And Gretchen says, “Do you want to meet me in the bathroom?”

---

Gretchen reaches in my purse and takes the bag of cocaine out. She taps some onto the bathroom counter.

“The general rule is that coke is still illegal in California. Psychopath. What, are you trying to get us fired?”

“We won’t get fired, will we?”

“For doing a little coke? No. For waving it around in the air, maybe!”

Gretchen opens her wallet selects a card.

“What is up with you today? This?”

“I feel terrible.”

“You seem great.”

“No. I’m having a meaning day, where I wonder about the meaning of things. It’s not a good sign.”

“You know, most people, when they wonder about the meaning of things, it doesn’t freak them out this much.”

“I know. I can’t look at it casually. I’m dying, Gretchen.”

“You’re dying?”

“Yes. I forgot to take my medicine, maybe that’s it.”

“You forgot to take your medicine for one day?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think that’s it.”

“Well what is it!?”

“When’s the last time you saw your doctor?”

“My doctor doctor or my doctor?”

“I don’t know. Your doctor.”

“I saw my doctor last night. But I haven’t seen my doctor doctor in, oh.”

“You’re kinda freaking me out a little, Lacy.”

“I’m kinda freaked out myself! Is that ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Mmm. Good.”

I do my line. Gretchen does hers. She throws her head back, then comes back to center.

“Is this from Mick?”

“How do you know?”

“I can tell. I’ve had it.”

“It’s from Mick.”

“So you and Mick did a little partying?”

“I guess I’m not violating his privacy to tell you yes.”

“Mick’s privacy?”

Gretchen laughs.

“Lacy. What I think you need to do. Is go out there. And finish your day. Come have another line of this with me in a while, we’ll finish this this afternoon. Then you go home, happy with your day’s work, and you take an Ambien or a couple Vicodin and you fall asleep, then you’re back here tomorrow and everything is good. Maybe you and me do another couple of lines at Mick’s truck. But I’m looking you in the face right now, and you look wild. I’m telling you, you look like a wild animal. I’ve never seen you like this. And I don’t think it’s Mick’s coke and I don’t think it’s you missed your pills. I don’t know what it is, but you need to chill the fuck out right now. That’s all I have to say.”

---

I hugged Gretchen, and went to Paige, one of the makeup girls, to get a touch up. Then I was sitting in my chair and everything was going sour. I was thinking about how Ben didn’t really care about me because if he did he would be angry that I was with Faith and how his lack of jealousy wasn’t really a sign of sophistication but was really him not giving a fuck. A normal husband who loved his wife would be jealous if she was getting off with someone else! Wouldn’t he? And I was thinking how shit it was for Mick to have tried me on crystal meth the first day I had even tried coke and how he just wanted to get in my pants, you could tell from his sorry jokes to his old-man attitude. Even the money I owed him, I knew he was going to try to extract it in some other way, rather than me paying him, and I wanted to just pay him and be done with him completely. But I couldn’t, because we worked on the same set and he’d be here every day no matter what I wanted.

So I did a simple thing. I reached in my purse between takes and I pulled out my baby, the G26 Gen4, and I held it in my lap. And no one noticed. And we did a take. It was a scene with Gretchen and Tim, on the couch, in the living room. Then it was between takes again and I decided I wanted some attention. So I walked onto the stage. I went right between the cameras and I went into the light. And I had my baby in my hands. And I scooched myself up onto the island in the kitchen set. I stood up on that counter. And there were people looking at each other wondering what I was doing. And Tim and Gretchen were looking up at me. And Gretchen started to stand, but she was too late. I put the gun in my mouth and around it I screamed, “I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!”

5

Well, no one thought that was funny. I suppose I didn’t either. It was just what I felt like doing at the time. Can you blame me? When things fall apart, they fall apart. You don’t have a choice as to when or where. Mine was on the set of How I Met The Devil, in the Warner Bros. lot, on top of a kitchen counter set.

Here’s what happened. I freaked out and set the gun down, then Gretchen grabbed it, then handed it to Tim, who handled it like a hot potato. Then Gretchen walked me off the stage, and I was crying. Security showed up, and when they saw it was me they didn’t know what to do. I knew those guys. Gretchen got my gun back and gave it to me on the condition that I wouldn’t do anything stupid, that I would go straight home and give it to Ben, and that I would chill myself out.

I went home. I did call Ben. He came home early and I told him what had happened. I even told him about the drugs I had been doing the night before and he laid me in bed, took the gun, and waited around with me to try to help me get to sleep. Gretchen called later. I talked with her for a long time, asking her what had happened on stage and if people were talking about me. She said yes, they were. And the stage manager had come around to give a little speech saying everyone was safe and they could go on with our work without worrying. I got a call from the studio the next day. I was fired. No discussion. Just fired. That was the end of my employment on How I Met The Devil. They wrote me out of the script. Tim Goring’s girlfriend left him. Gone. Upped and vanished with only a note. That was the end of my character. My episodes aired but it was while I was going through all manner of shit, so I wasn’t exactly celebrating.

Ben took my gun back to the place where we bought it, sold it back to the guy. Warner Bros. didn’t want to press charges, they wanted me to get help, so there was absolutely no police or anything from their end. Ben and I had a quiet talk. Did we want me to go back to the hospital? He said yes. I said no. I won.

He wanted me to talk to my doctor. I said I was done with Dr. Giggle. Except to get medicine. I wasn’t doing counselling with him any more. Ben wanted me to pick a new doctor right away. This is the day it happened. I was thinking let me just have a minute, I’ll work this out. But things were crashing, I was realizing what I had done, adding it all up from Mick and my Adderalls to the coke to the crystal meth to me being a crazy fuckup and telling everyone I wanted to kill myself. I did. I wanted to die! I wanted to die more than anyone on that cheesehead set could probably imagine. The only thing that had kept me from doing it on the way home from the set was that I was so dazed from all the coke. I couldn’t tell if I felt good about what I had done or if it was terrible. I lay there in our bedroom insisting we keep the air conditioning on, tucked in a pocket of covers, thinking about my life and how embarrassing it was. I didn’t know by then that I was fired. I didn’t expect it, either. I thought that this was acceptable behavior for a starlet, that somehow it would be forgiven and we would move on with the show. The next day we get that call from Warner Bros. 

When I found out I was fired I was destroyed. I had come down off the coke by then, and the reality hit me. I wasn’t welcome at Studio 12, I was no longer friends with Tim Goring, I had none of those connections. I didn’t know if Gretchen would even talk to me, but I knew things wouldn’t be the same. And I lost my thing to do. That job, that schedule, was part of what was keeping me sane, keeping me from driving myself crazy at home alone all the time. Without it, what was I going to do? My friend situation was fucked. I hadn’t maintained with Caroline, not that I wanted to. Tosh was never going to think of me the same way again. And Faith. What was I even doing in that situation? Ruining my relationship with Ben over some little girl I liked to finger? Things between me and Ben had changed, as polite as everyone was being about it. I was fucking that up, just like I fuck everything up.

I actually called my mom, the day I got fired. I didn’t tell her anything about the TV show. I just talked about home and asked her about James. James was doing fine. He was working on gluing jig saw puzzles to boards so he could hang them on the wall. We talked for about two minutes. I just wanted to hear her voice.

Ben was quiet. He let me rest. That’s really all I needed, was a little rest. If I had had the chance to get a rest before I went onto the set of Devil, it probably wouldn’t have happened. I have a delicate mind. When you run it too long, it gets tired.

---

“Hello Mike.”

“Hello young lady.”

“I missed this place.”

“We missed you too. Whatcha been doing?”

“Working.”

“Oh yeah. Where at?”

“A TV show.”

“Oh really. You got yourself a good job.”

Mike. Fixture at the Arclight. Good to be back here.

I tell him about How I Met The Devil.

“I’ve heard of that show. Never seen an episode, but I’ll have to check it out now that I know you’re on it.”

“Yeah, check it out. I’m on it for a limited time only.”

“Well that’s very good. Can I get you something to drink today?”

“I think I’m gonna go back to my gin and tonics.”

“Gin and tonic? And remind me what you like. You like that with. Sapphire?”

“Hendricks.”

“You got it young lady.”

“Thanks Mike. Mike.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna go buy a book and I’ll be right back.”

I browse books at the gift shop, architecture, postcards, fashion, visual art. I end up settling on a W magazine. Always liked that large format.

“There’s your drink.”

“There’s that.”

“You want to leave it open?”

“Leave it open.”

“Are you seeing a movie today Lacy?”

“I might.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to enjoy your drink and your magazine.”

I get out my phone. Text Mick. Are you coming?

He texts back. Right around the corner. Can u meet me in the parking lot?

“Mike.”

“Yes.”

“Need you to watch this drink.”

---

I’m standing in the Arclight parking lot, totally out of place. Finally Mick’s SUV pulls up and I jump in the side door. He’s got Sonora with him up front.

“How you doin’, Supergirl?”

“I’m fine.”

Mick drives to the side of the lot and parks. He unhooks his seatbelt and turns around to me.

“So what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“You really scared us, with that thing the other day. Come here, give me a hug. You ok?”

“I’m fine. I just. Had an off day, or something.”

“Is your husband looking after you?”

“He gave me a bath, tucked me in bed, now I’m fine. Everything’s fine, Mick.”

“Sonora, you should have seen what this one pulled at our work the other day. Well, I didn’t see it. But I heard about it from everybody.”

“Everybody talking about it?”

“Yeah.”

“What are they saying, Mick. They saying some shit about me?”

“Some of ’em, yeah. What are they supposed to say? You scare normal people with something like that, they’ll talk, yeah.”

“Normal people. That’s part of my problem. Normal people.”

“Well you’re not one of ’em, that’s for sure.”

“Thanks. So are we gonna do this or are we gonna do this?”

“I want to make sure that you’re ok, first.”

“Look at me, I’m fine. Sonora, don’t I look fine?”

“She looks fine, Mick.”

“I just want to make sure you’re not going to do any of that other day shit on this shit.”

“That was a one-time deal, Mick. I was having a terrible day which turned into an even terrible-er day when I got fired for threatening to kill myself, in case he didn’t tell you all the details.”

“Oh he told me.”

“Good.”

“Lacy, I care about you. You should know that. This isn’t just me trying to sell you something because I want to sell you something. I can put this bag back in my pocket and drive right out of here, and be totally happy, not selling you a damn thing. So when I ask you how you’re doing I want you to know that I really give a shit.”

“He does really give a shit he was talking about it on the way over here.”

“I do, Lacy, I want to see you around for a long time.”

I put my hand over Mick’s.

“I will,” I say. “I will be around for a long time.”

He lets go of the bag. I take it. I put my money on the divider between them and start stuffing the bag into my purse.

“Does she want a pipe for it?”

“Do you want a pipe?”

“A pipe? You can smoke it? I’m just gonna do lines.”

“Just do lines.”

“Jesus Mick.” That’s Sonora. She turns around to me. “Are you gonna be ok with this? ’Cause I just met you and I kinda like you. Don’t be stupid. And don’t try to kill yourself or anything like that.”

“Don’t worry, I’m gunless.”

“Alright, just.”

“Can I go now?”

“If you want to. Good to see you Lacy.”

“It was good to see you too.” I give each of them a kiss, just so they don’t think I’m dying to get out of here.

“Call me,” Mick says.

“I will.”

---

Inside the Arclight bathroom. I’m in a stall. It’s the upstairs bathroom where hardly anyone ever goes, and it’s between movies. I have my own mirror now. I got it on Hollywood Boulevard in this Indian shop. It’s about a three-inch square, with a colorful border. I set that in my lap. I have the crystal meth out. I’m smashing it down on the mirror. I decided to go for crystal meth because the other night I had so much trouble with coke I decided this would be safer. Or worth a try, anyway. I know it’s gonna burn but I’ve braced myself for it. I’m ready for that. Once I smash it down I chop myself off a long-ish line. I’ve got the W magazine on my lap with the mirror on top of that. When I told him about the coke, Ben was silent. He never told me what he thought, he just laid me down to sleep. I wish he would do it with me. Might have to try and see if he will. Not crystal meth, though. This is my secret. Just here to enjoy the day at the movie theatre. I roll myself a twenty, lean down to the mirror, and sniff my line.

---

Back then I used to not care who caught me, who found me in the bathroom doing meth off my little mirror. I’d get high, then go watch a movie, slowly spending the money I’d made on How I Met The Devil, sitting around the Arclight bar all afternoon, drinking gin and tonics.

Mike and them knew I was high. I’d take out my mirror and show ’em, proudly leaving streak marks from the crystal on the surface of the mirror. It has kind of a softness, a slight smear-ability, the crys I was doing. I didn’t know how bad that stuff is for you. I thought it was like coke, but different. Not that coke is healthy. But those first days with crystal meth, I didn’t know what I was dealing with. It’s a good thing I wasn’t smoking it, like I did later. That’s when I got into real trouble with meth, when it hits you so fast. And then your lungs really feel like they’re flying. I didn’t do it long. It was pretty quick before I was back to coke again. Mostly it was a reactionary thing against coke since I believed coke had cost me my job. And I was gonna get high no matter what. So I picked a convenient alternative. And unfortunately for me that alternative was meth.

I didn’t call Faith. I didn’t call Caroline. I didn’t call Tosh. I was going through everything alone. I didn’t even really talk to Ben any more than I had to. I assumed everyone was judging me, when they weren’t. They were just loving me, and trying to help me. But in my mind Ben was against me since I’d tried coke, against me since I’d lost my job. Like he was mad at me because I lost it. When of course he wasn’t. He cared about me. He wanted to see me happy. I thought I was the one who fucked up. Nobody cared about any of that. They just wanted me healthy, so I could be there for them, make things like they used to be.

But I sat at the Arclight. I must have gone every day for a week. Maybe not quite. I’d get Mick’s meth and Mike’s gin and tonics and I’d buy magazines and sit at the bar, then I’d get high in the bathroom and go watch the same movie three, four times a day. I’d sit in the very front row, the middle seat. I watched this romantic comedy that had a couple sex scenes and I loved those on the meth. I’d slip a hand inside my panties and play with myself, real quick. Then I’d leave halfway through the movie and go to the bathroom to get high again. Always maintaining that high. That’s what it’s like, with that stuff, you’re always perfecting and balancing and striving for the perfect momentary high. Get just the right amount of high to go back and sit and watch the movie. Just the right amount of high to have another drink. They must have known something was up from the amount of times I went into the bathroom. I didn’t want to be obvious, but I couldn’t stop. I had to have it. When the movies were over I’d close down the bar. Mike and I would laugh about the fire extinguisher incident. Then the Arclight would be closing and I’d have to leave. I’d go to my place in the fountain, outside, where officer Braxton and his silent partner had picked me up that night. I’d lean against the building and pretend to go to sleep, cool air giving me goosebumps. I’d wish someone would come pick me up now, Mike or officer Braxton or Ben or somebody. And I’d wish I had the stones to call the operator one more time, get transferred to the suicide hotline, end up back at the Retreat. What I wouldn’t give to be in one of those beds now. To meet with Dr. Hunter. Have them check me over and see what’s wrong with me. But I didn’t call. I stood outside until I had gotten annoyed with standing there and then I went to the parking lot and got into my puma. I did a line of crys in the car. Was brave enough or stupid enough to do that now. Then I drove home.

On the way home I’d always be checking things. The speed limit on the highway. Still 55. The speed I was going? Still reasonable, five miles over the limit. My seatbelt. Still buckled. My crystal meth. Still in my purse. Wouldn’t want to get stopped with that on me! At least I don’t have my gun.

Ben sat up for me those nights. I know, I’m a horrible person! He’d be sitting downstairs watching Scorsese movies and I’d come in the house behind him.

“What’s up, baby?”

“Nothing. Oh, I love this one.”

“Where you been?”

“The Arclight.”

“Did you see a movie?”

“That and sat at the bar.”

“Want to come to bed?”

“I don’t know if I can sleep just yet, you know, I’m antsy.”

“Lacy, come here.”

“What?”

“Remember your emergency numbers? From the hospital? They said to call if you were having any trouble.”

“They didn’t say to call if I was high on drugs. That’s supposed to be if I’m having a manic episode.”

“Maybe you are.”

“This is just me being a fuck up.”

“I think you should call them. Do you want me to call for you?”

“No. No, Ben, that’s for if I’m having a medical emergency, not if I’m just fucking around with drugs because I’m a fuck up.”

“Lacy, you know you’re not a fuck up.”

“Do I know that?”

“I want to help you stop.”

“I want you to do this with me.”

“I can’t. With work.”

“I know, ’cause you have a normal job. How sad. I’m fine, baby, I just need to stop doing this one thing and do this other thing.”

“Maybe you could see Dr. Giggle?”

“We’ve already had this conversation.”

---

I’d be up all night. Ben would wake up and I’d be gone, out taking Gabby Gabby for an epic walk around the neighborhood.

“Where were you?”

“Taking Gabby Gabby for a walk.”

“Oh. Is she ok?”

“Yeah, she’s fine.”

“How are you? Are you better?”

“I’m fine, Ben. Just because I’m doing all manner of illegal drugs doesn’t mean I can’t eat, shit, take Gabby Gabby for a walk, and hold a conversation with you.”

“Ok. Are you going to stop today, though? Just stay home, be here for me when I get home. Do you want me to take the day off?”

“Can you?”

“Not really.”

“Then don’t offer. I’ll be fine. I’m gonna stay here today. Don’t worry. I know. I know I need to stop. I don’t know how this got started. It was just an accident. You try something once, and then that whole thing at my work last week. Ben, this is just what’s happening now, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen forever.”

“What about calling your doctor?”

“Why?”

“To tell them that you’re having problems.”

“I don’t want to bug them with something like this. This is a different kind of problem. They’re used to dealing with people with psychological problems. I can stop this. This is easy.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I got this. I’ll stay home today, sleep, and when I wake up I’ll be fine. Brand new. And jobless.”

“Don’t worry about your job, ok baby?”

“You say that when you lost a part on How I Met The Devil.”

“I know. I know you did. But it’s not the end of the world. You can’t kill yourself over this. I didn’t mean that literally. But you know? Please, Lacy. Get through this.”

---

“Hey Faith.”

“Hey.”

“It’s Lacy.”

“I know!”

“I need your help with something, ok Faith?”

“Where have you been?”

“Sorry I haven’t felt like picking up.”

“That’s ok I was worried about you though.”

“I’ve kinda had a rough week.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You wanna come pick me up and we can hang out?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll come right over.”

---

I take her to the Arclight. We sit in one of the secluded tables by the bar.

“I lost my job.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I freaked out on stage and put a gun in my mouth and told everybody I was going to kill myself.”

“Yep,” Faith says.

“What?”

“I’m not saying this to be funny but I knew you were like me. That’s just exactly like something I would have done. That sucks you lost your job.”

“Yeah, it really sucks. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not making fun of me or saying I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I would never say that to you.”

“I know, and I’m thanking you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. Can you get your job back?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“’Cause that was a good job!”

“I know! I fucked up! And since then, I’ve been making things even worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been doing coke and crystal meth.”

“Jesus! Coke and crystal meth! What is wrong with you, Lacy?”

“I don’t know, I just started.”

“Are you high right now?”

“I’m coming down from it.”

“Do you have some with you?”

I nod.

Faith scoots her chair closer.

“You gotta share with me, you gotta share. What do you have with you?”

“Crystal.”

“You do!? Eee! You gotta gotta share. Hook me up. How much do you have, Lacy? Let me see.”

“I have enough.”

“Enough for what? Enough for both of us?”

“But you have to promise me you won’t get going on this stuff. This is just for today.”

“It’s just for today.”

“I want you to help me with it so I don’t have as much left. I don’t want to have this left over.”

“No problem, Faith, you’re driving me crazy with this shit can we get the fuck out of here and do some?”

---

“Are we gonna go in the stall at the same time?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Because somebody’s gonna get suspicious.”

“Ok, we’ll go in separately. I’ll give you my purse and you can do it, then you trade me and I’ll go in and do it.”

“That sounds good but do you trust me?”

“I trust you with a little bit of crystal meth and my purse for five minutes!”

“Yeah, what was I thinking. You’ve just got me in drug mode now. This is bad, Lacy. This is very bad. You should see me when I go into drug mode. Or, actually, you shouldn’t see me. Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Well I’m going to do it. I’m not pressuring you am I?”

“No, I want to do this. I can’t believe that you have it. You know how long it’s been since I. Anyway. Too long. So is that what we’re gonna do, you give me your purse and I’ll meet you back out here?”

“Maybe we should go in at the same time.”

“What about people seeing us?”

“Look. There’s no one here. We can just go in there real quick and do it. One of us can keep our feet up on the seat of the toilet.”

“Lacy. Do you really think that’s going to work?”

“I think it will.”

“What about your car?”

“It always makes me nervous doing it in my car.”

“But it’s better than out here though.”

“Let’s go in together.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. No one puts their feet on the seat we just find the handicap stall and we’ll go in there and do it as fast as we can. No hiding. Just bam. Then we’ll watch our movie.”

“Bam?”

“Yes, bam.”

---

When we get to the theater the doors are closed. I’m holding my bag with the shit in it. Faith is walking weirdly behind me. I grab her arm.

“Come on.”

I open the door and there’s a theater attendant inside.

“Can we still come in?”

“Oh yeah. Do you know where your seats are?”

“Yeah, I sit in the same one every time.”

“Go right ahead then.”

Faith and I go up to the front row. It’s still the previews. For a second I forget I’m high, allow myself to believe that everything is normal, that this is how I usually feel. Then I’m pushing back in the seat and Faith is beside me and I can feel my legs and my crotch tingling against my shorts. I’m scooching in the seat and Faith is looking at me with her mouth open like ‘what is she doing’.

“Close your mouth, Faith.”

“You look like a hooker.”

“Close your mouth.”

“The way you’re moving on that seat, you look like a hooker.”

Then Faith’s hand goes for my leg and she curls her fingers around it. The sensation is incredible. I’m instantly turned on, times ten. I want to be with her, alone, and I don’t know why we’re in this movie theatre.

“Come here, baby.”

I’m grabbing her, holding her, pulling her close to my chest. I reach around inside her shirt and touch the side of her breast. She lifts her head up and we kiss. I’m thinking there might be someone behind us, and it’s making me uncomfortable.

I turn around. A few people about halfway back. Faith has her finger inside my shorts and is brushing me on top of my panties.

“Let’s move. Let’s move to the back.”

“Ok.”

So we grab our stuff and lumber up the side of the house.

---

“Are you high?”

We’re whispering.

“Yes. Are you?”

“I’m insane. I’m very high, yes.”

“I don’t believe you started doing this. What made you start doing it?”

“Just ran across it.”

“Yeah, uh-huh, you just ran across it at your local grocery store.”

“A friend of a friend.”

“That’s more like it. I used to shoot it.”

“Like shoot it in your veins?”

“Yup. It’s crazy. I used to have a big problem with this stuff.”

“Which is why we’re only doing this today.”

“Right, Lacy. Right. You’ve got yourself convinced. My dad and I have smoked this stuff together.”

“Your dad?”

“Yeah. He loves it. He’s a fuckin’ degenerate, just like me. Lacy.”

“What?”

“Don’t get going with this shit. How many days have you done this?”

“I don’t know. A few.”

“Don’t let it go too long. You don’t want to get strung out on this shit.”

“I won’t.”

“Lacy, listen to me. You’re a nice girl.”

“Listen to you.”

“What?”

“You’re talking to me like you don’t even know me, Faith.”

“I just don’t want you to go through what I have.”

She sets her head on my shoulder and we’re holding hands. In a minute our hands start to play with each other, finger touching finger. Then we’re wandering and Faith’s hand is at the top of my shorts. She’s unbuttoning me. And in a second she has them pulled down and my panties off to the side and she’s going down on me, in the back row of this theater in the Arclight.

---

“Take me to your place.”

“I don’t want to go back there. It feels.”

“You’re just high.”

“No, it feels like something’s changed there. Since Ben and I haven’t been getting along.”

“You haven’t been getting along?”

“We haven’t been seeing eye to eye.”

“Does he know you’re doing this shit?”

“Yes. No. He doesn’t know about the crystal meth.”

“What does he know about?”

“The coke.”

“Right. The coke. Do you have any of that?”

“No. I’m out. I had a bad experience on coke, which was losing my job.”

“Oh, you were high when you did that. This is all coming together, Lacy.”

“Yeah I was high when I did that! One fucking time I try coke and I have to be coming down in the middle of possibly a manic episode and I do that stupid shit that gets me fired.”

“Lacy, baby. Maybe you should have a drink to calm down.”

“I don’t want to drink!”

“I know, but I want you to take me to your place.”

“Can you drive?”

“Me!!? Haha. No, Lacy, I can’t drive. That would be the day. I have never driven a car. I don’t think you’d want me driving yours.”

“Ok. Let’s go in the bathroom and do another line.”

“Do you want to?”

I nod.

“Ok, how about you go first and I’ll meet you out here when you’re done, then I’ll go in after you this time. Since we’re down here.”

“Ok. You gonna be alright?”

“I’ll be fine, Lacy. I’m just gonna sit at the bar, if they’ll let me.”

“Oh, that’s Mike. You’ll be fine. He knows you’re with me.”

---

I went in the downstairs bathroom and I was looking all around. Acting quick. Couldn’t calm down. I went to the stall and I did my thing, and I was gripping the mirror so tight. Smashed it down, took my line. Did another small line. Made sure I got everything that was left around the edges. Packed my junk up and got out of that stall. Saw myself in the mirror.

I looked changed around the eyes. I could see my pupils kind of undulating, changing forms. The skin on my cheeks was extra veiny, little blood vessels coming to the surface of my skin. My hair was fine, just needed a little fix.

I was thinking to myself, I’ve got to stop this as soon as possible. Faith is right. This stuff is too good to do. It feels too good, it is too good, to mess with. I need to quit this and never look back. That’s what I thought. Do this day with Faith and then never go back to it. Have sex with Faith today. Go home and do everything possible you can do with her, while you’re still high. See if you can get off with her, on this stuff. What time is it? 3:44. Not a ton of time, but time enough. It’s ok if Faith is there when Ben gets home. It’s ok. Just take her there and love her. Can I love on this stuff? Am I still human enough to love? I want her to lick me again. I want to do that to her. Incredibly strong feelings on this stuff. Feel like I can look into Faith’s face and see everything that’s going on with her. Ok, get out from in front of this mirror. Go get her. When we’re alone the high starts to fade. Being in a bathroom doesn’t help. Just one last look. Lacy. Lacy. You’re ok. You’re having a hard time right now. You’re having a hard week. Just take it one step at a time and get off this stuff, then you can deal with your mental illness or find another job or whatever. Simple. Just take it one step at a time. And it’s not the end of the world that Devil is over. Not the end of the world.

---

So Faith and I were walking to the car. And I had parked across the street. We’re looking to cross this four-lane road and instead of going to the crosswalk I just start out in front of traffic. We’re crossing here. Faith follows me. She’s unafraid. Cars are stopping and then going around us and I’m all the way at the middle line when I’m twirling around with my hands spread out and this car hits my hand. Its mirror hits it. It’s my left hand. And I’m holding it, and we’re crossing the rest of the way, and it isn’t until we’re across the street that I’m seeing how red it is and wondering if it’s broken.

“What happened to you?”

“He hit me!”

“What happened?”

“That car back there hit me with his mirror!”

“Does it hurt?”

“A little.”

“You’re high.”

“So?”

“So it probably hurts more than you think.”

“What should I do?”

“You should go to the hospital.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t wanna go to the hospital. I wanna spend time with you.”

“You should sue that motherfucker!”

“Faith, calm down.”

“Dumb motherfucker hit my girlfriend.”

“It’s ok, Faith. It’s just. Ow!”

“Are you ok?”

“Maybe we should drive by the hospital.”

“Can you drive yourself there?”

“Yeah. Come on.”

“We’re going to the hospital?”

“I guess so.”

---

We went to one right down the street. I had to drive with one hand, it was already getting bad. I parked, we left my purse with the crystal meth in the car, and Faith and I both went in. We waited forever in the emergency room during which we both wanted more crystal meth and more than once we were about to leave but some shred of sense kept us there. Strangely, the shred of sense was Faith. She had been in these situations before, she knew what to do even though we were using. Maybe it was because she had only been using today, and I had been using for days, but I wanted to get the hell out of there and have Faith on my bed, at home. I wanted to use the high while it lasted, do some freaky stuff. Instead we were waiting under white lights for a hand that was increasingly looking like there was something very wrong.

---

“Can you bend it this way?”

“Ow!”

“And, what about this way?”

“That way’s fine.”

Faith stood next to me as the X-ray technician talked. Then he made her leave and it was just me in there, lead blanket over my lap, entire room buzzing from the meth I’d been snorting, sexual systems ready to pounce.

They took their X-rays, and in not too long we had a doctor telling the two of us that I’d fractured my wrist, and was going to have to wear a cast. They referred me to several orthopedic clinics for someone to actually put me in a cast, and Faith and I were out of there.

---

We sat in the hospital parking lot in my puma.

“Are you going to tell Ben what happened?”

“Well, I have to tell him something.”

“Are you going to get a cast?”

“I guess so!”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let you do this.”

“Faith, how is this your fault?”

“I should have stopped you, when you first showed me the crystal. I shouldn’t have let you do it.”

“I’d been doing it for days.”

“This was our only day doing, it, right?”

“Right. I’m done with that stuff.”

“This could have been a lot worse.”

“I know. I know. I’m stupid when I’m on drugs.”

“Didn’t you just start?”

“Yeah, but look what I’ve done.”

“You need to go easy on yourself.”

“Oh yeah?”

“You’re probably having a manic episode.”

“I’m snorting crystal meth, Faith.”

“Yeah but underneath that. Mania causes drug use. Especially cocaine and alcohol.”

“But this isn’t cocaine or alcohol we’re talking about here!”

“Not today. But last week it was. You said you were doing coke.”

“But I wasn’t drinking.”

“You always drink. You just gotta consider, you didn’t bring this all down. It’s your illness.”

“I don’t believe I broke my fucking wrist!”

“Is Ben gonna be pissed?”

“I don’t know what Ben’s gonna be. I’m so stupid, Faith, I lost my job. Do you know what a good job that was. That was a good job. I fought hard to get that job. I put in a good audition and it was the right place at the right time to get that TV show. That’s not going to come around anytime soon.”

“So what are we gonna do?”

“About this?”

I have the crystal meth bag in my hand.

“Yeah.”

“We’re gonna finish it. Right here, in this parking lot. And that’s gonna be the end of it.”

---

Faith and I made out for about an hour in front of her building when I was dropping her off. It was too late to take her to my house. Ben would be home by now. So we said our goodbyes.

“You’re not gonna buy any more tomorrow.”

“Nope. Not gonna buy any more. Can I call you? We can get together?”

“Of course you can call me. Call me. Always.”

“Ok. I’ll see you. Say hi to your dad for me.”

“Fuck you.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Jesus.”

“Good night, Lacy.”

“Good night. Today was fun.”

“Yeah, major fun. I never know what I’m gonna get when you show up.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright.”

“See ya.”

---

I went to the Arclight. I wasn’t about to go home. Sat at the bar with my wrist taken out of the temporary sling they had given me at the hospital.

“What happened to your wrist?”

“Some fucker hit it.”

“Like punched you?”

“Like hit it with his car.”

That was just random bar conversation. Mike had heard this story about fifteen times.

“So what’s next on the agenda?”

“Gin and tonic.”

“I mean in general. You going home? You staying out?”

“I’m staying out. I’m not gonna let one little minor car accident get in the way of my fun.”

“Is there somebody waiting for you at home Lacy?”

“My husband.”

“Have we seen your husband in here?”

“Oh you’ve seen ’im. He just doesn’t come in that often.”

“G ‘n’ T.”

“G ‘n’ T.”

---

“You know we’re closing up here soon, you want us to call you a cab?”

“No. I’m alert, Mike, I’m alert. These drinks don’t do nothin’ to me.”

“Ok. What about your husband. He want to come pick you up?”

“I’ve got the car.”

I smile.

“Ok Lacy. Here’s a water. If you want.”

I push it away.

“It’s too cold.”

“Here, young lady, let me get you a warmer one.”

---

I’m lying in the fountain outside the Arclight, letting myself get wet, the water wall falling on one side of me. Feeling the artificial rain, loving it, thinking of it as little streams of money falling down on me.

And even in this state it isn’t lost on me. This is my fountain. This is the fountain where Officer William picked me up that one night, and maybe he would come again. Find me getting my clothes soaked, decide that I was too crazy to be walking around, and take me back to the Retreat. Faith could be there too. We’d swap stories of the outside and the crazy antics we got into. Faith and I belonged in the Retreat. We fit there. We made sense there. Maybe I was like her, and I didn’t work outside of programs, institutions. I had worked well for a while in TV, but that was gone.

Lying in the fountain and all I could feel were little pearls of water. They made sounds like pennies ringing. And I close my eyes.

---

I’m outside the Arclight. It’s light. I’m banging on the door. I have on my clothes from last night. I’m dried out. Bang bang bang bang bang. Eventually someone comes. They stand there on the inside looking out at me.

“Is Mike there?”

“Mike who?”

“Mike the bartender.”

“Mike doesn’t work till tonight.”

“Well let me in.”

“We’re not open for another twenty-five minutes.”

“You gotta help me. I think I left my phone.”

“I can check lost and found.”

“Can you let me in?”

The guy looks around. Then he gets out his keys.

---

“Thanks for this, I just. I think I lost my phone. I mean I did lose it but I think I lost it here. I’m not sure if I left it with Mike, or. If you have it that would be great because I don’t have any of my numbers.”

“I don’t see your phone here.”

“It’s an iPhone, with a Hello Kitty case. It’s pink and white. It has sequins on it?”

“There are no phones here. Sorry.”

“Well can you call Mike? He would know if I left it here.”

“If you left it here it should be in this box.”

“But Mike knows me. He might have grabbed it.”

“Mike works tonight at 4:30.”

“Please. I can’t leave without my phone. Mike knows me. Just ask him.”

---

“Mike says the police have your phone.”

“What?”

“Yeah. He says officers from Hollywood came here last night because you were needing assistance and you broke away from them, leaving your purse and phone with them.”

“Let me talk to Mike.”

“He said the police station you need to go to is the one on Wilcox Avenue.”

“Can I please talk to Mike?”

“I can’t let you do that. And we’re not open yet so I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’m sorry.”

---

I had to ask directions at two different coffeehouses even though, as it turned out, Wilcox was just around the corner. I sat in the waiting area of this tiny police station wondering what the fuck I had done last night. Panicking, for a second, that there was still crystal meth in my purse, when there wasn’t. Guessing that the gin had overtaken the meth and given me this blackout. Wishing I had stuck to one or the other.

“Are you Lacy?”

“Yes.”

“Hi Ms. Anderson I’m officer Long. How are you this mornin’?” He said it in an especially cheerful way.

“I’m fine do you have my purse?”

“Do I have your purse. Now why would I have your purse? Shouldn’t you have your purse?”

I smile. “I’d appreciate it if I could have it back. Did I leave my phone with you?”

“Your phone, your purse, yes, we were holdin’ them for you trying to take you with us when you decided to go the other way.”

“Did I get arrested?”

“Not quite. We were too full to hold you and, frankly, you were crackin’ me and the other officer up so much that we decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you go. Although. For your own sake we probably should have held you.”

“Well thank you for not holding me I’m sorry for whatever I did. Mainly I need to call my husband and get my keys and go home.”

“Do you think you’re ok to drive now?”

“Yes, I feel perfectly fine to drive, I’m all better now.”

“You’re sure.”

“Yes.”

“Well let me get your things.”

It’s a few minutes before he comes back. He hands me my purse. I check through it. Keys, phone.

“Officer Long?”

“Yes Lacy.”

“What was I doing last night?”

“You don’t remember? Well. You were walkin’ up and down Hollywood Boulevard hitting cars with your hand. You got it pretty swollen there. Yellin’ at people, saying, ‘Hit me! Hit me!’ I guess you were angry about something. We should have taken you in, but like I said, you were just too funny. Plus cells are full. We figured you just needed to get out of the middle of the road and you’d be better. How’d you sleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well be careful. Sleepin’ around here ain’t the best thing to do. Got everything in there?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Well Lacy. Good to see you again. Be careful. Don’t go hittin’ no cars and good luck with your actin’.”

---

I didn’t call Ben before I got home. I knew he’d be there. Missing time from work, probably called the police. When I went in, I didn’t say a thing to him, I just walked past him sitting at our dining room table and went upstairs. I took off my clothes, got in the shower, and it wasn’t until I’d finished and come out that I saw him again.

He was sitting on the bed. I took my time getting dressed because my naked body had this amazing shimmery feel to it with the crystal, a warmth, and I didn’t want to give that up.

Ben wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the floor. I don’t know why I just didn’t feel sorry.

“You knew where I was, Ben.”

“Were you at the Arclight?”

“Yes.”

“Were you with Faith?”

“Only some of the time.”

“Should I worry when you don’t come home?”

“No. You shouldn’t worry.”

“Ok.”

“Are you going to go to work now?”

“In a minute. I just want to make sure that you’re ok.”

“I’m not, Ben. I’m not.”

“I want that to change.”

“Huh. Well so do I but it’s not going to happen. Are you upset with me? Is that what this’s about?”

“No I’m not upset with you.”

“Are you upset about Faith?”

“No.”

“Well I wish you would be!”

“Why, baby?”

“BECAUSE I’M FUCKING HER! I’m fucking her in your bed when you’re not here I’m showering with her in our shower I’m having her lick my cunt while we’re in movie theaters! Don’t you care about that? It used to just be you and me! Now it’s you and me and her and whoever you’ve brought into the equation!”

“I haven’t brought anyone into the equation.”

“I wish you had! How about Caroline I’m sure she’s a good fuck! I wish you would get mad, Ben, you never get mad!”

“You seem mad.”

“FUCK YOU I AM! I’m pissed about this whole shit. MY LIFE IS FUCKED don’t you understand that?! I slept in Hollywood last night! I don’t even remember what happened. Officer Joe knows my name and I don’t know his! I broke my hand! Look at this! I broke my motherfucking hand.”

“Jesus, baby.”

“Yeah. That’s from punching a car. I don’t know what else I did! I’m stopping today. Faith and I used the last of that shit last night and I’m not doing any more of it, EVER! I hate my life! I feel like I’m gonna die can you take the day off work and take care of me?”

“Yes!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get started with this stuff it just happened!”

“It’s ok!”

“You’re not mad at me, baby?”

“No, I’m scared! I don’t want you to have to go through this. I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself!”

“I already did hurt myself.”

“But hurt yourself worse!”

“I don’t want to do that! I’m sorry I ever put that on the table.”

“I think we need to call your doctors. Is that ok?”

“Maybe after I even out. Once I’m off this stuff, then if I’m still manic, then we can call them.”

“You used the word! I never hear you say manic.”

“Well I’m coming around to being ok with it.”

“That’s great!”

“I still don’t believe in it, though.”

“That’s ok. I don’t know if I believe in it, either.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t know, all that stuff is new to me.”

“Me too, baby, I don’t know what to think of it. There is something I want you to do for me, though, before I sober up.”

“What is that?”

“I want you to fuck me, ok, baby. I want you to make me cum while I’m still high. I want to feel your dick. I want to just lay there and let you do it to me. I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t think it’s gross. I just want to be fucked hard and good by your cock and I want us to come together, so we remember what it was like when we first met. You know how we used to be, all day and all night. I want it to be like that again, just for a minute.”

---

Ben fucked me. I wasn’t sure if completely liked doing it this time, knowing I was high on crystal meth. But he fucked me, and he fucked me good enough that I came. And it was crazy. It was like the cumming of twenty people, all in one. If you’ve never had an orgasm on crystal meth you’ve never had an orgasm. I’m telling you. As bad as that shit is, it’s an amazing feeling. I won’t rub it in anymore.

I slept that night, slept without alcohol, got to sleep around four am and stayed asleep until nine. When I woke up my wrist was throbbing. When I moved it, it was in extreme pain. The cast was going to be necessary. Ben drove me to a clinic north of LA. They let me pick the color. I chose pink. So I had this hot pink cast on my arm for how long? Weeks. They did more X-rays at the clinic, assured me it was just a fracture, put on my cast. I was excited at first, then I realized I had to bathe in it. A few days in realized it was going to itch. A few more after that realized it was going to stink. And it made driving very difficult, especially a stick. But I got to where I could drive with one hand, basically, steer with one hand and reach down real fast to change the gears.

I had Caroline over. We talked about the cast. I said I had punched a car. But I said I had punched a still car, not that one had hit me while I was standing in the middle of Sunset Boulevard. She and me and Ben had dinner in. Ben and I cooked together, from a recipe. It was horrible. We should have gone out. But then we all had plenty to drink so it was ok. I drank wine, since I was trying not to get too drunk these days. But I had three glasses. When Caroline left I had the rest of a bottle. Ben tried to act as if everything was fine since I wasn’t on crystal meth. And that was an improvement.

My detox period had gone well. I had made Faith off-limits for a while, put myself on a diet of spirulina and kombucha, and sat in front of the TV watching anything but How I Met The Devil. I had my finger on the button, ready to dial Dr. Giggle, but I really didn’t want to talk to him. Faith I let myself text but she couldn’t come over to the house and I was rethinking my sex position with her. Looking at a simpler setup. Just me and Ben and the house. When I left it trouble seemed to happen. Ben had a job. I could just stay inside, stay clean, and watch movies for the rest of my life.

---

One day Ben came home I was taking my cast off.

“What are you doing?”

“It’s time.”

“Wait. Before you do that. Don’t you think you should let the doctors look at it?”

“I can feel it. It’s better.”

“But how do you know?”

“It’s my body, Ben, I can tell that it’s better.”

“Don’t you at least want to go to the doctor’s?”

“No.”

“I think this is a really bad idea.”

“Noted.”

“Please, baby. You might really hurt yourself if you do this. I want you to be safe. What if you injure your arm taking it off?”

“All you need is a pair of scissors, see? I’m tired of this thing stinking.”

“Don’t you think, though, that it stinking is like totally minor compared to it keeping your wrist safe?”

“My wrist is fine, they were asking me to keep it on too long. They’re just trying to be conservative and put me up with more appointments than I need, so they can make more money.”

“I don’t think that’s the doctor’s objective.”

“Well it is. Ben. You want to go in the other room, you’re distracting me.”

“I’d rather stay and watch.”

“If you’re going to stay then help. Hold this.”

So we took it off together. Cut right through it with a pair of scissors. They had already separated the cast when they put it on me, so it could breathe. It was just a matter of cutting through some gauze, the inner part of the cast. Then we split it in two pieces and my arm could breathe again. I flexed my wrist. Flexed it in the other direction. Flexed it all around.

“See? I’m better.”

“I think maybe it’s supposed to heal completely in the cast.”

“I’ll be gentle with it.”

We cancelled our last appointment with the orthopedic surgeon, or whatever he was, and I took a long bath to clean off my arm from being in that stinky cast for so long.

“How long was that on?”

“A few weeks.”

“Was it that long?”

“Yeah, about two, three weeks.”

“It feels so much better now.”

“I still think you should have left it on.”

“It’s fine.”

“So no more punching cars.”

“No more punching cars.”

“I’m serious, I want my baby to be healthy.”

“I’m serious, I want her to be too.”

That night when Ben held me down he was careful of my left wrist, and he licked the skin in kind of this hot way. It was like he was making love to my car-punching wrist, like the wrist was hot to him, like my crazy limb itself was an object of sex. I imagined myself punching cars while I was blacked out on gin enough to cut through a crystal meth high, and wondered what that had looked like. Had I gotten kicked out of the Arclight, or just asked to leave? And when people were walking by me sleeping in the Arclight courtyard, what were they thinking, and what if someone I know had walked by? That was the kind of person I had become right now, someone who slept outside and broke her wrist, who asked her husband to fuck her while she was high on crystal meth. Except I don’t do that anymore. I’m done breaking things and I’m done with that shit forever.

---

Instead I got back into exercise. I remembered my membership to LA Fitness and started using the treadmill again. At first my wrist was a little sore when I’d run, but after a while I hardly noticed it. I got to where I was running every day, even on weekends, determined to make sure my body looked good, even if I didn’t have anything to do with it. Like a job. And I wasn’t auditioning yet. I was too scared. I was scared I’d mess it up just like Devil. Scared (irrationally) that someone from the new job would have heard what happened on How I Met The Devil and not want to hire me. There’s no way anyone would have heard about that. Unless they worked at Warner Bros. I’m lucky I was never in the news. Some little story like that could have taken off. Then I’d really be famous. No thank you. I wasn’t sure if I was going to work again. That’s how scared I was. I thought it might be down to me being a loser and this being the end of my life. Like nothing could come after the horrible mistake I had made. I thought I was scarred.

Caroline proved a good friend during those days. She would go along with me to the gym and not talk about too much. Not pry into me with questions. Just do her running and her yoga and be there for me in simple ways. Just talking about things back in Ohio. And talking about her acting. She hadn’t had anything near How I Met The Devil. She was doing plays in Hollywood. When I talked to people about me getting fired I just told them I got written off the show. I didn’t see the reason for dragging myself through the mud. Only Faith and of course Ben did I tell the real story to. No, Caroline and I just ran and had lunches at various LA eateries, places we had heard about from friends or been to before. She introduced me to a cool little spot called The Hungry Cat which had seafood and where we drank. I introduced her to a place that Gretchen York had shown me, in Beverly Hills, with no name except a tiny little label outside that said “DOOR.”

I needed a basic friend at that time. I needed to remember that I was human, via going out to lunch and running on the treadmill and having a girlfriend, a regular one, who I didn’t have sex with. Faith was fine but Faith was too intense. With Caroline, I could recover from my little jaunt with crystal meth without someone as crazy as I am reminding me of all the possibilities that are out there.

---

“So how was your day today?”

“Good.”

“Did you run?”

“Yeah, Caroline went with me. I’m getting strong, baby.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“Ben, I’m gonna drink a little wine tonight.”

“Please do. I like when you drink.”

“You like it ’cause it makes me freaky.”

“You’re always freaky, Lacy.”

“Glad I can keep you entertained.”

“Definitely entertained.”

“So Ben.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking, and I think it’s fair to say I’m not manic. I’m not acting impulsively, I’m not having racing thoughts or being impulsive. My grandiose thoughts are under control, don’t you think? I’m sleeping fine.”

“Yeah, you’re sleeping fine. What about your interest in sex?”

“It’s high, as usual. I don’t think we can use that one in my case.”

“Maybe not. Baby why don’t you call Faith?”

“What’s so important you want me to call her?”

“Because she’s your friend.”

“Caroline’s my friend, too.”

“But you and Faith are close. I think it’s important that you be with the people who make you happy.”

“What about you? Who do you hang out with?”

“I hang out all day at work. I’ve got my friends around me twelve hours a day.”

“It’s not always twelve.”

“But you know what I mean.”

“I don’t want to call Faith, if you must know. I feel more balanced with Caroline.”

“But Caroline doesn’t challenge you.”

“I know. That’s why I feel more balanced with Caroline. I don’t want to be challenged right now. I’m finding that myself is enough of a challenge at the moment.”

“You’re doing fine.”

“I’m jobless, Ben. I’m spending my days working out at the gym with my old Ohio friend who as you point out isn’t exactly stimulating to me.”

“I didn’t mean to rag on Caroline.”

“I’m going to start looking for work again. I decided. I’m going to look for a similar TV show, different studio, and try to get work on one of those. I think I can get an agent with the work I did on Devil. The agent would get me an audition with some other TV show. This time I would take it slow, just go to work and come back, no extra stuff. Strictly taking my pills. Which I have been, eh? Maybe that’s part of why I’m feeling better. Western medicine and all. I respect it. Been taking Adderall as instructed, too, thank you very much. And thank you, Ben. Thank you for being someone I can talk to openly about these things. Even though we’re married. You make it like. We’re just friends. I can be that comfortable with you. Anyway what do you think?”

“Well.”

“Well what?”

“Well, I was just thinking. I don’t know, Lacy. I mean why do you have to. Why do you have to work at all?”

“Because I want to.”

“But with your disease, I mean, do you really think it’s the best idea? Work stresses you out.”

“It doesn’t stress me out that much.”

“It stresses you to the point you get involved in drugs.”

“Not all of that was stress.”

“I’m just saying. You wanna make a decision that works for your overall life. What if acting. I know this is crazy but what if acting just doesn’t work for you? What if it’s too much?”

---

“I’m calling Faith today.”

“Good.”

“I’m gonna do whatever with her, you still don’t mind?”

“Have fun. Just be ready for me when I get home.”

“Ok, dear.” I say it ironically.

Ben leaves and Gabby Gabby runs over to me.

“Little girl. Good little girl.”

I call Faith.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“You wanna come over today?”

“Well look who decided to call.”

“Do you wanna come over or not?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll come by to get you in forty minutes.”

“K, bye.”

“Bye.”

---

“I can tell you’ve been working out.”

“I have been working out.”

“You feel good, I can feel your muscle tone.”

“Are you mad at me? For not calling?”

“No, I’m not mad at you. I understand. You prob’ly needed a break from me and just didn’t want to say anything.”

“I needed to stop doing crystal and I didn’t want to be around anyone.”

“But you’re always around someone, Lacy.”

“I don’t want to fight.”

“Ok, me neither. I’m here for you, when you call. I guess that’s clear.”

“How are things with your dad?”

“Oh, Lacy, they’re terrible. I wanna kill myself or else get out of that place.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What? ‘Kill myself’? What’s got you all sensitive all of a sudden?”

“It’s just not something I want to hear.”

“Well, excuse me. It sucks. Ok? It sucks. I’d rather be dead than live with my dad if you can’t hear it then don’t ask the question.”

“I’m sorry Faith.”

“Is everything in your life hunky-dory now you kicked crystal, ditched me, you and Ben back to honeymoon status?”

“No.”

“You’re so selfish sometimes, Lacy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No problem. I forgive you. But you are.”

“I need to be.”

“Well I’m glad you and I got to do a little bit of crystal together, I like you on it. You’re insane.”

“You’re always insane.”

“How’s your wrist?”

“It’s better. I had a cast on it for a while.”

“Shoulda let me sign it.”

“It was pink.”

“No shit. I could have told you that.”

“I’m not sure if I’m going back to work.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re talking about me staying at home.”

“What? And having kids?”

“I might have kids someday.”

“Someday. But what, you’re not gonna act?”

“Maybe not. Maybe I’ll just watch TV.”

Faith cracks up.

“No way. I’m sorry. But no way. You have to be out there. Makin’ moves, my man! You have to be! I cannot see you laying around the house watching TV all day. Is that what you’ve been doing? You need to be on TV. So don’t tell me you’re serious ’cause I will kick your fucking ass.”

---

“What are you having?”

“Uh. The gruyère artisinal pasta, with chicken. What are you getting?”

“Lamb shanks.”

“I always like hanging out with you. It’s so high class.”

“Let’s get a wine, too.”

“You pick it.”

“I like this Castello d’Albola.”

“Delish.”

“I have to go to the bathroom. Will you order for me if they come out?”

“I can’t. I can’t say the wine.”

“It’s this one.”

“Ok. Can I have one of your cigarettes?”

I push them across the table.

---

We were sitting in this outside area of Franco’s, this Italian restaurant I like. You could smoke in the back. I had been there with Gretchen but decided to take Faith for a lunch. We smoked, we drank wine, we ate food off each other’s plates. Things were as they should be.

“So I watched your show.”

“What?”

“Yeah, me and my dad. I told him you were on it and he about flipped a brick.”

“Which episode did you see?”

“The one where he tries to start his own company.”

“Oh!”

“Lacy, you were very good.”

“Oh. Thank you. Did you think it was funny?”

“Funny? We were cracking up. You were killing it, I mean killing it.”

“Oh, that show was fun.”

“It looked like it. Do you mind that I watched it?”

“No! I’m glad you saw it. Glad that time didn’t go to waste.”

“It didn’t go to waste. You made a lot of people laugh.”

“You should see some of the steamy ones.”

“I bet. I don’t want to watch you be steamy with someone else.”

“It’s just acting.”

“I know but. I just don’t. Especially not with a guy.”

“Do you not like guys?”

“I have liked them. I’ve fucked guys, I mean. Sure I’ve liked them. But not really. Recently. I’m mostly with girls. Does that bother you?”

“What?”

“If I’m a straight lesbian. Strictly les’. You know.”

“You do whatever you want.”

“Have you been with anyone else since we’ve been together? Other than Ben?”

“No. You’re kind of my first girlfriend.”

“Well I haven’t been with anyone else either. I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want to either. Besides Ben. So do we have ourselves an official threesome? Exclusive to the outside?”

“Except I’m not with Ben.”

“But it’s still a threesome. Isn’t it?”

“I don’t know Lacy but just tell me if you decide to be with someone else, ok? I’d want to know.”

“Ok, I’ll tell you. Same for you.”

“Ok.”

I light a cigarette. Enjoying being able to be outside and smoke one. Faith reaches out and I hand it to her. She takes a drag and gives it back.

“So what are we gonna have for dessert?”

“Oh you want dessert?”

“Yeah, mama, I know you’re good for it.”

“How about the tiramisu?”

“Tirami what? Lacy just get something chocolate.”

“It is.”

“Well ok then.”

---

“Ok, momma bear, where are you taking us?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“A surprise. Should I be worried?”

“No.”

“’Cause with you I never know.”

“You’ve got it backwards. You’re the one that’s trouble.”

“Well it may have switched, I hate to tell you Lacy. It may have switched.”

“It’s right up here. Just a treat for us both. Not like before.”

“You better stop this car right now ‘cause you are scarin’ me.”

I pull over. We’re almost where I wanted to go anyway.

“I’m just feeling,” I say, “with the sun and the air today, and the nice time we’re having, that it might be nice if we did something special for ourselves, so when we were back at the restaurant I texted this guy.”

“You texted this guy!? You hear what you sound like!”

“What do I sound like?”

“You sound like a degenerate drug user.”

“I am a degenerate drug user.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Lacy? I mean I thought you were done with that shit. Remember you broke your arm?”

“Not crystal,” I say. “Just coke.” I shout. “I just want to do a little bit of coke! Is there anything wrong with that?”

“No, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m all for it. I just don’t want you to get involved with something you don’t want to get involved with again.”

“So it’d be ok with you?”

“I’m all for it.”

Faith is rocking back and forth in her seat.

“Sign me up. You know what we should do? Get some rigs. I know you’ve never done it that way but believe me, Lacy, if this is good coke you’re getting, that’s the way you want to do it. So who’s this guy you texted?”

“My friend Mick.”

“So are we going over?”

I nod.

“You’re crazy Lacy. I love you but you’re crazy.”

---

Mick’s door. The dogs barking. Mick moving them into the bathroom. Then Mick standing, looking at me and Faith.

“This your friend?”

“This is Faith.”

“Hi.”

“Hi Faith. Why don’t you two come on in?”

Mick set us up in the eBay room. Faith and me next to each other on the church pew. It was awkward at first.

“So, how have things been?”

“I’ve been ok. Been exercising.”

“You look good.”

“Thanks. How have things been on the show?”

“Oh, you know, same old same old.”

“Bet you haven’t had any exciting drama since I left.”

“Nothing like you, that’s for sure. You looking for other work?”

“Not right now. Taking some time off. Figure things out.”

“Don’t figure too hard. Some things there’s nothing to figure out. Remember that. So, what we doin’ today?”

“We’re staying away from chrys.”

“Yeah,” Faith says.

“So we thought we’d just do a little coke, and that’s it. We’re not even taking any to go. We’re just doing some here and then leaving.”

“Glad you’re being careful.”

A silence.

“Well ok. You need any Addys?”

“Nope. Taking as prescribed.”

“You really are making a change, aren’t you? Congratulations to you. Ah, you should get healthy, you’re young. You don’t mind if I do a bump of chrys while you’re here, do you?”

“It’s your house.”

“So what else has been going on?”

“I broke my wrist.”

“You did?”

“I fractured it. Was punching cars. It was the last time I got high. Me and Faith were walking in the middle of Sunset and this car hits me.”

“Then she was punching cars.”

“Yeah, I have some time I don’t remember, I blacked out on gin, went to the police station.”

Mick scrutinizes me.

“You blacked out?”

“Yeah, the next morning I woke up in Hollywood I had no idea where I slept.”

“You prob’ly slept on the sidewalk near the Arclight.”

“I was near the Arclight.”

“Then you went to the police?”

“They had my purse. Fucking guy knows my name I don’t know his! It was like we had been hanging out the night before!”

“You didn’t. Tell him anything.”

“About you? Fuck no.”

“But if you blacked out, you don’t know.”

“I wouldn’t have done that.”

“No. I believe you. It’s just. That would be totally. Totally uncool.”

“No I know, Mick. Believe me, I wouldn’t have said anything. I would never say anything to anyone.”

“Ok. ’Cause that would be.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“I trust you. Don’t sweat about it. So did you bring cash?”

“Yeah.”

“How much do you want?”

I look at Faith.

“Forty? Sixty?”

“Sixty.”

“Sixty.”

“Ok. Sixty it is. Faith, welcome to my home. Lacy, as always, welcome back. Devil misses you but uncle Mick still gets to see you, that’s at least partway how we like it.”

Faith starts getting comfortable, adjusting in the seat. Mick is reaching up on his cabinet getting us a sixty bag of coke.

Faith says, “Do you have any rigs?”

Mick comes down. He has a couple little bags of coke in his hand and he sets one in front of me. He looks at Faith. He looks at me. The air is totally uncomfortable but then Mick just says, “One or two?”

“Two,” Faith says.

Mick looks at me, like I’m supposed to confirm or deny this. I just stare at him. He gets up and leaves the room.

“What are you doing?”

“It’s better this way.”

“Faith, I just wanted to come over here and.”

“It’s no big deal. I mean it is a big deal. I used to do it this way all the time. If he has clean rigs, I’m telling you, this is the best possible way to do this. You’ll like it. I absolutely promise you that you’ll like it.”

“And what if he doesn’t have clean rigs?”

“If he does, they’ll be clean. If not, we can get some from this needle exchange my dad used to go to.”

Mick comes back in. He sets two plastic syringes on the table between an imperial shuttle and the Millenium Falcon.

“Is this what you’re looking for?”

---

Here is the scene Ben came home to. All of my clothes out of my closet. The refrigerator door open. Gabby Gabby barking at him when he walked in the door. Me in my wedding dress. Faith in one of my dresses. The TV on, and me and Faith in front of it. Watching this one scene from La vie en rose over and over and over again. It’s a scene where someone walks around a room, and everything is in one shot. It’s one of my favorite moments from that film, and I was showing Faith. And we were shooting cocaine while we watched it.

A bottle of bleach from under the kitchen cabinet. Faith had suggested this when I expressed worry about the needles, even though they were new. Cotton pieces, set out on the coffee table. One of Ben’s belts, that we were using as a tourniquet. Spoons. And bottles of water. Faith had showed me how to do it the first time, and done it to me the first few. I had been afraid to shoot myself at first, afraid I’d do it wrong, but she walked me through it and it was magic. I understood now. That was half the thing, was shooting yourself up. The act of interacting with your own blood like that was better than masturbation. Holding your own blood outside your body for a second, mixing it with cocaine, and putting it back in. I understood something that had always been a mystery to me. Why people would do that. I got it now.

Ben walks in. Gabby Gabby barking. He sees the place is a mess, but he doesn’t see what we’re doing yet. I had the TV on pause, was just backing up for another view of our scene, which we were shooting to, when Ben closes the refrigerator. He comes in the living room. Looks at me and Faith. Sees me in my wedding dress. Then looks at the table. Sees the syringes. The coke powder in a plastic bag. Kind of nods his head slightly and goes upstairs.

I look at Faith, and we’re both so high, we almost just go ahead watching the scene again. I hand Faith the remote control.

“I’m going to go upstairs.”

---

“Ben.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“I didn’t plan to do it like this it just happened.”

“You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to report back to me or anything.”

“Does Faith have to go home?”

“No Faith doesn’t have to go home. I don’t want you driving. I’ll be down there in a minute and hang out with you two. Just do your thing.”

“So it’s cool?”

“I didn’t say it was cool. I just said do your thing. But baby. Be careful.”

“I will Ben. Don’t worry about it.”

---

“Did he say it was ok?”

“He said he’ll deal with it.”

“So is this ok?”

“Yeah. Did you go without me?”

“No, I waited.”

“Good. You want to go again?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. Me too.”

Faith and I set out our own spoons, each tap out some powder, each mix with water, each strain through cotton into the syringe, and then I get the scene from La vie en rose ready, ’cause we like to listen to that while we first shoot up.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

I was using the belt. Faith was going commando since she’s that much of an expert at doing this.

I press play on the movie.

We both do it.

Coke gives you this strange sound in your ears when you shoot it. We were listening to this certain part in the movie, over and over, through the coke filter. You get used to hearing certain things, like the ritual of it, end up having to do the same thing over and over. At least that’s how it was for me.

I finish shooting and pull the needle out of my skin. Wipe the blood with a tissue. Set the tissue on the coffeetable. Lean back.

Faith and my hands are playing together on the couch. I feel sexual, but just like lying here. I’ll never forget the first time Faith shot me up. Being in her hands, at her control. Having her push that plunger in for me, and feeling that sensation for the first time, that rush, those sounds. It’s an intimate thing, whether you’re doing it with yourself or someone else. I know a lot of people don’t understand how you could ever do something like that, but it really is a beautiful thing.

I look up. Ben is standing there. I think I have a tear in my eye. I let it stay. I can see Be upside-down as he talks.

“Have you two eaten anything.”

“We ate lunch are you hungry?”

“Kind of.”

“You want me to make you something, Ben?”

“No, stay where you are. I don’t want you to get too worked up.”

“Why don’t you get some food and watch this with us?”

“What is that?”

“La vie en rose.”

“That is a great movie.”

“Order something. Sit with us.”

“Did you show her how to do this?”

Faith says, “Yes.”

“I hope if there’s a safe way to do this that you’re doing it that way.”

“It is,” Faith says, “We’re being very safe.”

“Bullshit,” Ben says, and he’s unbuttoning his sleeve. “Bullshit. I know you can kill yourself doing this, so don’t lie to me.” He has his shirt rolled up to the elbow. “Take me with you. If you’re doing this. I want to go. Lacy. We can share a needle. Faith. You wanna shoot me? Please. If you’re going to do this I want to be there with you. I want to feel the same thing. I want to risk my life. Remember Heather? Yeah? Well, let’s go.”

---

He loved it. He was surprised at first, and then he started nodding his head like, “Yeah, I see.” That’s how it is. You think people who do drugs are doing them because they feel bad? After he did it we went back to our routine of watching La vie en rose over and over, and certain parts while we shot up. Ben got into that, too, the sound that it creates, the ritual of watching the same part of the movie while we did it. He and I held hands.

“Who’s Heather?”

“Do you want to tell her?”

“Heather’s this girl we knew in college. She died of a heroin overdose.”

“Oh. Shit.”

“She was a great actor,” I say.

But Ben says, “Look at what you’ve done that she hasn’t.”

“That’s true.”

“Lacy, you’re gonna get yourself another job. That’s what we have to make this party about. The ‘Lacy gets another job’ party. Where everything is devoted to the encouragement of Lacy getting another job. Ben, how ’bout it?”

“Maybe. If she wants one.”

“Why wouldn’t she want one. Come on.”

“To me maybe getting another job. Woo.”

“So was Heather your friend?”

“She was mine.”

“I’m sorry she died.”

“That’s ok. It was kind of a shock. We all thought she was going to be famous. She was really good.”

“You’re going to be famous, Lacy. You almost already are.”

“Not really.”

“With How I Met The Devil? Yeah. People watch that show. You’ve got to look at that as a jumping-off point. So what you lost your job. You can use that to get your next one. You can act. According to me. Don’t wait too long and get old before you have your next part.”

“I’ll do something.”

“Do a movie this time.”

“Maybe I will look for something, Ben.”

“Do whatever makes you happy.”

“Spoken like someone. Who just shot coke for the first time!”

“Is that making me happy?”

“Yes, baby, I haven’t seen you this happy in a while.”

“Well give me some more.”

“Is it time for him to go again?”

“No.”

“What do you mean it’s not time?”

“You’re on a timer. We all are. You’re on a very long timer since you just started.”

“And what sort of timer are you on?”

“A shorter one.”

---

“Is it time yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Oh, come on, let’s go.”

---

“Where’s Ben?”

“He’s upstairs taking pictures of his feet. He’s got the good lenses out. It’s serious.”

“Everything is always serious with Ben.”

“Come here.”

I take Faith by the neck and kiss her. Then I have my hands on her tits. She’s rolling back on the carpet and I’m crawling on top of her.

“Lacy. Do you think Ben would want to join in?”

“You mean, in this?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want him to?”

“Maybe.”

“Faith has a crush on Ben. Faith has a crush on Ben.”

“Shut up! I do not. Stop being a bully.”

“Oh! I’m sorry. Was I bullying you? Poor little helpless Faith bullied by mean Mrs Lacy. Ha ha ha!”

“I never think of you as Mrs Lacy. You’re more of a Miss.”

“Don’t tell Ben! Oooh! Do I think Ben would want a piece of this?”

I grab Faith.

“I don’t know! I thought you mostly liked it with girls, didn’t you?”

“I can still have a crush on him and not want to fuck him.”

“So you do have a crush on him!”

“Couldn’t we have a threesome that wasn’t really a threesome? I wouldn’t have to fuck him. But we’d still. Do stuff.”

“I don’t know Faith is that what you want?”

“Like I said, maybe.”

“Do you want me to ask him?”

“I’m not ready yet.”

“Well do you mind if I go talk to him?”

“About what?”

“Just about stuff. Maybe I want some cock.”

“Go. Go. Don’t let me hold you up. Go get your cock.”

---

“Faith wants to have a threesome.”

“What, doing coke together isn’t threesome enough?”

“She has a crush on you but doesn’t want to get fucked by you.”

“Thanks for the information. Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I’m serious. How many more pictures are you gonna take?”

“A million.”

“Let me see. Some of these look good. Wow. This is amazing.”

“I don’t think I would have thought of that if I wasn’t on coke.”

“Good thing you’re on coke.”

“Good thing.”

“Seriously, baby, you don’t mind doing this with me?”

“I’m liking doing it with you. I think we should have done this earlier.”

“And you’re not going to change your mind in the morning? Like, hate me for getting you on this?”

“It’s amazing, Lacy, why would I hate you?”

“Ok, good. I’m just flighty flighty buzzy buzzy right now, just ignore it. Babe, do you think any of that crap they fed me at the hospital was true?”

“What crap was that?”

“About being bipolar. ’Cause. I don’t think I’m bipolar. The sleep thing? I’ve been sleeping just fine lately. I think that other stuff was caused by Adderall. I think they had a good theory and were doing their best but I don’t think they had enough time to observe me to make a proper diagnosis. Plus they’re looking at you trying to find a psychiatric diagnosis when you’re in a hospital like that, what if there isn’t one to find? What if I’m just mildly crazy?”

“You are.”

“So what do you think about all that stuff?”

“I don’t know, Lacy. From what you told me about bipolar, it sounds like it could be a good fit, but maybe you’re right. Maybe they’re wrong. It seemed like it made sense at the time.”

“But it doesn’t, now, does it? I’m not manic.”

“You’re high on coke.”

“So are you.”

“Exactly. Let’s find Faith.”

“And have a threesome?”

“You know, Lacy, as fun as that might be, I think I’d like to keep our threesome fantasies just fantasies, and Faith, just our friend.”

“Just your friend.”

“Right.”

---

But as fun as coke can be, once you get through the night there’s always that period of knowing you have to stop doing it and choosing that last hit to end on is a real bitch. Having other people with you actually makes it way easier. So we chose our hit, we did it, then we put the shit away. I put the last remnant of our coke in my purse, to snort throughout the day. We kept the syringes, because we were holding out the possibility that we might do it again, and we all wore long sleeves. Ben had a business meeting to go to, at the Arclight, and Faith and I decided to come along.

“So who is this guy?”

“It’s a guy I’m meeting with about a film.”

“It’s Ben’s film. They might work together. See, this guy is a DP. He’s from London.”

“Wait wait wait what’s a DP?”

“A director of photography. He’s the camera guy.”

“Ok.”

“Anyway.”

“Anyway,” Ben says, “it’s no big deal. We’re just getting together to see if he might want to work on this documentary I’m putting together. Well it’s not really a documentary. But a short film. See. It’s a documentary about the making of a documentary.”

“It’s very cute. The script is coming together. Baby did you bring your script?”

“Got it.”

“Did you bring one for Jonathan?”

“Got it.”

“Jonathan is this guy?”

“Yes. It’s very casual. We just need to be there as Ben’s backup. You know, like his crew. Exotic bitches. That sort of thing.”

“Ben, you want us to be your exotic bitches?”

“No, Lacy wants that.”

“Shut up Ben.”

“I wish we could do another shot.”

“I know.”

“Me too.”

“Listen to us. See how terrible that stuff is for you? We sound like a bunch of coke fiends.”

Faith raises her eyebrow.

I’m feeling it desperately. The only thing that makes it ok is I’ve got powder with me, ready to go. I’m thinking when we get to the Arclight me and Faith can go run to the bathroom while Ben and Jonathan get started on their talk. And do I want to ruin my coke high with drinks? I think so. To help me come down. That coolness of alcohol, to slow me. With a couple lines of coke. Just do that last bit we have. Finish it off.

“So, you guys wanna do that again sometime?”

An uncomfortable silence.

“Just kidding?”

I don’t know if I am or if I’m not.

---

Jonathan I had never met. Jonathan was a friend of one of Ben’s work friends. We met him in a booth in the Arclight restaurant. Jonathan sat on one side, and me Ben and Faith sat on the other. It was Ben, then me and Faith. We sat on the outside so it was easier for us to go to the bathroom.

“So these are shots from my portfolio. And I brought some video with me too in case you want to take a look.”

“These are fine. I’d like to see the video, too, but let’s just look at these for now. Micah says you’re great to work with.”

“I know Micah from shoots we’ve done together. He is great to work with too. How do you know Micah?”

“We went to college together.”

“In Ohio?”

“Yes. He was a year ahead of me.”

“Well he has been great to me. Recommending people to work with. I’m hopeful that you and I will get to work together.”

All throughout this me and Faith are making out in the booth.

“Are these. Your girlfriends?”

“My wife.”

“I see. Which one is your wife?”

I raise my hand.

Faith is looking at the shot samples over Ben’s shoulder.

“Nice pictures.”

“Thanks.”

“Are these from movies?”

“They are stills, yes.”

“Which one is your favorite?”

“My favorite? Uh, I’d have to say this one right here.”

“What makes it good?”

“Pardon?”

“Faith is new to movies.”

“I just mean of all these shots why is this one the best?”

“Uh. The lighting. The way it’s focused, you can see only this part in focus right here, the rest is out of focus.”

“Why do you like that?”

“It helps to focus the eye.”

“Oh, I see. Nice shots.” That’s Faith.

“Are we gonna order food?”

“I don’t really feel like eating.”

“We all need to eat.” That’s me. Making sure everyone gets their nutrition. “Ben. What are you having?”

“I’m in the middle of talking.”

“Jonathan too. We all need to get our nourishment. Budding filmmakers. Too much business’ll ruin your business.”

“Is that so.”

“Yes, that’s the ancient Norse. Something.”

“So what are we getting?”

“You have to get the tamale.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s the best thing here. Jonathan? What are you looking at?”

“The tamale?”

“Good boy!”

I collect all the menus and try to flag down our server.

“So, tell me a little bit about this production of yours.”

“Well. It’s a documentary. About the making of a documentary. About the making of a documentary. It’s got no stars just actors. I’m kidding. You see. It’s a comedy. About a picture being made about a picture. And it goes back like that into infinity. There are screens with the documentarian, Alexander Kraus, pitching screens for the documentary on his notebook, and we go inside the notebook and see what he’s seeing and he’s inside the notebook and inside the notebook is a notebook! There are shots that look like it’s taking place inside a TV studio. There are exterior shots of interviews, on-camera interviews where part of the frame is taken up by the video monitor being viewed by the director of the interview. We have a lapel-cam shot that goes down the hallway of the news station who’s producing this documentary. This is how we introduce the characters in the initial tracking shot there’s a monologue given by the documentarian as he goes through the hallways and cubicles of the news office, then we meet his nemesis, the boss, this establishment-type character who doesn’t think the documentary is possible! That’s the hero arc. That’s what he has to overcome.”

---

“Is Ben a genius?”

“What?”

“Well, he’s got this kind of, director vision-style.”

I’ve laid out my coke mirror on the counter of the upstairs Arclight bathroom. I’m surveying it, making sure it’s all right, cocking my head.

“Ben’s not a genius. He has a thing for film though. It’s been his passion since he was young. That’s how we met, we were both in the school of theater and film, and he was casting a show.”

“What do you see in me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean why are you with me, Lacy. Do you think I have a hot body and that’s it?”

“You’re really worried about this aren’t you?”

“I just don’t like to be fucked over.”

“I’m not fucking you over. How am I? Faith. You hold too little value for yourself. People can like you for reasons other than your body.”

“But do you?”

“Yes. I love our talks. You show me things. You were one of the first people I was ever able to talk to about bipolar.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. Now step up to this plate and do your duty.”

“Do my duty?”

“Do your fucking duty, champ.”

I swat her on the ass.

“Now get the fuck out of there, let me do my duty.”

“You are crazy today.”

“Crazy talk?”

“Yeah. Lace. Take me on a trip sometime. If you have the money to do it. I know it’s a lot to ask but let’s go somewhere, you and me. Like to Vegas or something.”

“You ever been to Vegas?”

“No. Have you?”

“Drove through it. On our way here. You want to go to Vegas?”

“I just want to spend some time alone with you.”

“Like without Ben up our asses?”

“Like without him almost about to come home or already home so we can’t go there. I know I’m not your wife. But I want to be with you like we are, just for a few days.”

“It’s a great offer.”

“If you don’t have the money I understand.”

“I have the money. It’s a great offer, Faith, I don’t know if I can do it but I’m gonna think about it, maybe talk to Ben.”

“See that’s what I mean.”

“I know, but, I have to talk to him.”

“Ok.”

“Don’t look gloomy, Faith. Come here. Kiss me.”

We kiss.

“Great. We’re kissing in the Arclight bathroom.”

“Kissing and doing coke in the Arclight bathroom.”

“Yeah, how are you so confident that no one’s going to come in?”

“Because, I’ve never seen anyone come in, up here.”

“I’m glad that works for you, Lacy, because it doesn’t work for me.”

“Let’s go see Ben.”

“Ben Ben Ben.”

“Let’s go get our lunch.”

“Let’s get drinks Lacy.”

“Ok?”

“Ok. We’ll stop at the bar.”

---

“What is this? What is this?”

“This is a gift from Mike the bartender.”

“A gift?”

“Well. Balvenie Doublewood, for you. Jonathan, we guessed beer, for you. Did we do alright? We can go back.”

“No, this fine.”

“This is great.”

Faith and I skwunch into the booth. Faith is carrying her sex on the beach, after having not gotten carded, and I’ve got my signature rum and Coke. 151 and Coke, that is.

“I’m just feeling GREAT!” I scream.

Faith says, “Lacy, please.”

“That’s what a little dick and a little coke will get ya.”

“A lot of good that does me,” Faith says.

Ben and Jonathan are looking at each other.

“Jonathan was just telling me he met Cameron Diaz.”

“Really,” Faith says.

I say, “That’s great. Do you want to talk about Cameron Diaz or do you want to talk about dick and coke.”

“I’ll take Cameron Diaz.”

“Alright, Faith wants it, talk about Cameron Diaz.”

“And when did you get dick?”

“This morning when you were lying on the couch.”

“Really? You two were quiet.”

“Yeah, we did it romper-room style.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“That’s where you still have your wedding dress on.”

I said that directly to Jonathan Penney. Then I drank my drink.

“Anyway, Jonathan was shooting for a commercial that Cameron Diaz was in. It had some dancing?”

“Yes, there were four dancers and then Cameron Diaz comes in and does this thing in the front. Sort of like dancing.”

“So you saw Cameron Diaz.”

“Yes.”

“What was the commercial for?”

“I don’t know.”

“You worked on it.”

“I know but I don’t.”

“How can you work on a commercial without knowing what it was for?”

“Lacy you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to know. Jonathan Penny. How did you get through an entire shoot without knowing what it was for?”

“Let’s look at those video rolls!” Ben said.

And I said, “Sorry.”

So Jonathan Penney brought out the video rolls. Those were on his laptop. Ben watched them and then I was kind of scoping out Jonathan Penney looking to see what kind of people Ben was proposing to work with on this film of his. And I admit, I didn’t like him. Something about him was wrong.

“So what do you think of this?”

“Lacy, do you want to take a look?”

“Sure.”

I brought the laptop over to me. And I realized my coke mirror was halfway out of my purse, so I put it back in. And I watched this video, that was Jonathan Penney’s footage of the Cameron Diaz commercial, and I laughed and laughed and laughed. I laughed right in his face. Jonathan Penny didn’t think it was funny. He tried to stand up, but I had his laptop. He pushed it closed and sat down.

Faith was staring at me. Ben was looking at his fingernails.

I spoke to everyone. “What?”

Then I got up, took my purse and left.

---

“I think you need to go back to the hospital.”

“What? ’Cause I laughed at your friend’s video? It was stupid.”

“You may have messed up my ability to work with him. He was pretty shocked that you did that.”

“So what. He’s a hack. He’s a hack! You need to be working with a higher caliber of people.”

“I’m working with the highest caliber I can find! I don’t need you going around messing up what connections I do have, to try to make my movie.”

“You’ll make your movie.”

“Lacy, I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean take care of you.”

“How are you taking care of me?”

“I have to be around in case you want to do anything stupid. Your breaking your arm.”

“It was just my hand.”

“You go on these drug binges.”

“Actually it was just my wrist. And it wasn’t broken.”

“It doesn’t matter. It can be your wrist or your arm or your leg it’s that I have to keep an eye on you, everything you do, to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

“You think you have to keep an eye on me. That’s just you overfunctioning.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I’m sorry if I want my wife to be ok.”

“Is that all I am to you, your wife?”

“I want you to be ok. You’re my life, Lacy. Anything happens to you, it would kill me.”

“I don’t know why you think you need to be responsible for me. I got myself a job. I lost it. But I’ll get myself another. I pay for myself.”

“You pay for yourself. True. But you’re still suicidal.”

“No I’m not.”

“What about your big stunt at Warner Bros.? Doesn’t that count? You tell me that you think about it more than you talk about it, so you must think about it an awful lot.”

“I feel like you’re trying to hurt me in this conversation.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to. But you’re, hurting, me. Laughing in Jonathan’s face? I trusted you to be there with me at a business meeting to help my movie. What ever happened to us supporting each other in our careers? I support you!”

“I don’t need your support!”

“Oh yeah, you can make it on your own now?”

“I have. I already have. Maybe I got fired but that job on Devil was better than any job you’ve ever had. Better than any job any of our friends from school have ever had. I did that by myself and that’s never going to go away!”

“You did it by yourself? You didn’t have help moving here, setting up this house, taking care of the dog, all that? You did that by yourself. What about your trip to the Westlake Retreat. Did you do that by yourself? Or did you have somebody bring you clothes, come visit you, set up your ride home. You’re not doing this stuff by yourself. You and me have been together since a long time ago. And I need your help just like you need mine. I need you to be my wife, the nice one who comes along to the business meeting and charms my potential DP. Making out at the table with Faith is fine. Coming back from the bathroom high on coke is fine. Laughing at the guy’s demo reel is not!”

“So what are you saying? You don’t wanna be with me anymore?”

“Lacy, don’t you know me? You’re my light. You’re everything to me. Of course I wanna be with you. I wanna be with you forever. You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I wish you’d get it through your head that I love you.”

“I’m trying. I’m sorry, Ben. I shouldn’t have laughed at his demo reel.”

“It’s not even that.”

“And I’m sorry I’ve been such a fuck-up. I am. I know it. I’m a fuck-up. I deserve to be in the hospital. Maybe I do have to go back there. I was trying to stay out but I probably should have gone back after the ‘incident’ at Warner Bros. I should have let the security guards call the police and let them take me back there because at least I’d be getting help. I need help, Ben. I can’t do my life. I’m sorry I broke my wrist, I know that worried you.”

“I just worry that you’ll hurt yourself worse.”

“I know. And I could have. Stupid things. Blacking out in Hollywood.”

“That killed me.”

“I know! That was terrible. Not knowing where I’d been. I could have done who knows what. I’m sure I didn’t. But who knows! Who knows what I did. That’s the kind of person I am, Ben, I don’t know why you’re with me.”

“I’m with you because I love you!”

“Why?”

“I just do!”

“But I’m so low. I’m so low. I can’t even stand to get out of bed some mornings. I want to die. I do. I’m not saying I’m going to do anything but I want to die so bad. I’m not saying this to worry you, even if it will. I’m sorry. I don’t want to worry you even more, but I’m not going to keep quiet about it which you’re right I do. I just don’t want you to know how terrible things have gotten. I’m sorry, Ben. I’d kill myself if it’d make things better. That’s just where I go! I’m sorry for saying that. But it’s true! Don’t you know I’d do anything for you.”

“I know.”

“Don’t you know that?”

“I know. It’s just. For your sake I don’t think you should be living like this, all the time, with this much pressure.”

“So what then?”

“Well we shouldn’t be doing coke for one.”

“Yeah.”

“I think you should look at going back to the Retreat, just for a while.”

“But what am I gonna do if Faith’s not there?”

I wipe away a tear.

“I’m kidding.”

---

“He just wants me to go back to the hospital, he thinks I’m an invalid.”

“An invalid?”

“Yeah, you know, someone who can’t take care of themself.”

“Oh. I think you worried him, Lacy.”

“He’s been worried about me for weeks! Maybe longer. Ever since the Incident At Warner Bros. He thinks I’ve gone batshit or something.”

“Well you did threaten to kill yourself.”

“Shut up. Do you think this is funny?”

“Everything’s funny, Lacy.”

“Yeah, I guess. I wish you weren’t laughing so hard.”

“I’m not. I just think. Whatever.”

“So Ben’s all, you need to go back to the hospital, I can’t handle your craziness, etc.”

“What can’t he handle about it?”

“He thinks he needs to take responsibility for me. Like I can’t just be left alone. I don’t need someone to take responsibility for me. I might be irresponsible, but I get by. I know we’re not exactly responsible in shooting coke together but hey, he was involved in that too.”

“Do you still have the rigs?”

“Yeah. They’re right here.”

“Are you and him gonna do it again. It’s ok if you do it without me.”

“I don’t know.”

“I’d be dying to, if I was sitting there looking at them.”

“I kinda am dying to. You wanna get together. I could pick you up?”

“You serious?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. Now I’ve got all this talk of being responsible on my head. Ben’s talking about me going off coke, alcohol, everything. Just strictly back on my meds.”

“You’re off your meds?”

“I stopped taking them a while back. I forgot.”

“You should take your meds.”

“But what difference does it make if I’m on coke?”

“I guess that’s why Ben’s saying come off the coke.”

“Are you siding with him now, too?”

“No, Lacy, relax. I’m just saying. If they prescribe them, then why not take them? But don’t listen to me. I’ve stopped taking my meds so many times it’s stupid. Do you think if you invited me over that Ben would do it again?”

“We’d have to get some more coke.”

“But if we did.”

“He might. Yeah, he’s a pussy, he’d do it. Why? You still crushing on my hubby?”

“Don’t ever say ‘hubby’ again, please. Thank you.”

“Do you think I’m crazy, Faith?”

“It depends on what you mean by crazy. You’re definitely wild. I still don’t think you’re as crazy as me, so I wouldn’t worry.”

“You’re just violent.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Ooh!”

“Call me violent again, see what happens. I’ll come over there and.”

“Yeah. You’re doing better.”

“Thank you. I’m trying.”

“How’s your dad?”

“Watching TV. Want me to see? He’s probably watching youuuu!”

“Does your dad have a crush on me Faith?”

“As far as I can tell, Lacy, everybody has a crush on you.”

---

“Ben!”

“Is he here?”

“I’ll go get him.”

I hand Faith my purse, which has our new coke in it, and go upstairs to find Ben. He’s lying down.

“Ben?”

“Yeah.”

“Like it or not we’re doing more of this stuff. You’re invited. What’s it gonna be?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You sure? You can always say yes.”

“I’m tired.”

“Are you going to sit in here and worry and take ‘responsibility’ for me?”

“Maybe.”

“You know we’ll be fine.”

“I know you’ll probably be fine.”

“Well. If you decide you want to join, come down.”

I go back downstairs.

“Is he coming?”

“No. He’s tired.”

“Can we do this?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

---

“Yippeeeeeeeeee!”

“You’re crazy Lacy.”

“Hit me. Hit me hit me hit me. Gimme some of that shit.”

“This is good shit, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Better than last time.”

“Better than last time. Thank you Mick. Oh shit.”

“That motherfucker is a monster.”

“A monster.”

“You met this guy on How I Met The Devil?”

“Yeah. I met him on. Yeah. Fuck yeah gimme a kiss Faith!”

“You have fucking lost it.”

“I’ve lost it in the best way. Ben, get down here! We’re in the middle of some epic coke. Epic! Hit my motherfucking vein.”

“Well sit down.”

“Ok.”

“Sit still.”

“Ok. Faith, have I told you I love you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I’mma tell you again. You fucking rock my world. You make me hit the motherfucking ceiling.”

“Sit still.”

“Are we going?”

“Trying to!”

“Ok.”

---

“Are we out?”

“Almost.”

“How did we get almost motherfucking out?”

“’Cause we’ve been doing it.”

“Have you been doing it without me?”

“No!”

“Faith. Don’t lie. Did you stash some?”

“No.”

“Even if you stashed it for me, for my best interest, so we have some while we’re coming down, you have to tell me, did you stash some?”

“No.”

“Fuck!”

“I know!”

“Fuck fuck fuck!”

“Just chill Lace.”

“We have to do it slow. We have to wait. Set the timer. We’ll wait half an hour this time. We should have been waiting half an hour those last few times.”

I laugh, uneasy.

“You gotta stay over tonight.”

“I will.”

“We gotta go through this together. Shades down. Watch TV. And drinking. Say you’ll drink with me.”

“I will. I’ll drink with you.”

“We have to drink. We should call Gretchen York. Or Mick. See if they have any vicodin. Gretchen says that makes it easy.”

“Alcohol’ll work. You need to calm down Lacy.”

“Ben, get the fuck down here!”

“What’s he gonna do?”

“We’ll see if he has any Ambien. Ben!”

“I don’t have any Ambien.”

“Where the fuck have you been?!”

“I’ve been upstairs.”

“‘I’ve been upstairs.’ So simple. Did you know we’re dying down here?? Least you could do is give us a hand. Drive us to Mick’s. Will you drive us to Mick’s?”

Then he gets all stoic. And he says, “Lacy, I think it would be a good idea if you found a different place to stay tonight.”

---

“What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you fucking crazy?”

“Listen to yourself, Lacy.”

“You want me to find another place to stay? Are you fucking serious?”

“I just need a break.”

“You need a break from your wife?”

“Oh now look who’s my wife all of a sudden.”

“What do you mean all of a sudden?”

“You hate the term!”

“What is wrong with you, Ben?”

“Nothing I’m just SICK OF IT!”

“Why don’t YOU find another place to stay?”

“Fine, Lacy! You want me to? I will. Your bullshit is unbelievable. It’s not me fucking up the house environment it’s you!”

“YOU DID IT WITH US!”

“Not tonight.”

“So, what, that makes you exempt from all this? You’re suddenly innocent from it?”

“I’m not the one with the problem!”

“You shot coke with us you don’t think that’s a problem??”

“I did it once.”

“You’ll do it again!”

“No I won’t. That’s the difference between me and you, Lacy. I’m not trying to fuck up my life! You will never be happy until you completely fuck things up. You want that.”

“I’ve succeeded more than you! I don’t believe that. Faith, are you hearing this? This asshole thinks he’s done better than me career-wise. YOU’RE AN EDITOR! You make industrials. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even be working on your film. And fuck Jonathan Penney. You hear me? Fuck him. You’re better off without that piece of shit. I’ll shoot your movie myself. He had diffusion filters on everything. He’s a hack, Ben. He’s a motherfucking hack.”

“Are you done?”

“No.”

“I’d still like you to go.”

“Where?”

“Wherever.”

“You are full of shit. Do you know that about yourself? You talk this big game about protecting your wife and you want me to be safe driving home from a party. You’re going to kick your wife out of the house while she’s high on coke. That’s real consistent there, Ben. Where am I supposed to go?”

“A hotel.”

“How am I supposed to get there?”

“Call a cab.”

“Ben, fuck you.”

“Fuck you too.”

“There it is, Faith, the infamous marriage of Lacy and Ben. How much more of that stuff do we have?”

“We’re almost out.”

“Do we have enough for two hits?”

“Yeah.”

“Ben, can you hold that thought for just a moment me and my girl gotta take care of something.”

“Fine, Lacy, just, stay downstairs tonight. And try to keep the noise down. I’m trying to sleep you’re down here yelling.”

“I wouldn’t be yelling if you’d take us to Mick’s.”

“I’m not taking you to Mick’s.”

“You want me to drive? ’Cause that’s the alternative.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Hardcore.”

“Come on, Lacy, I’m not hardcore. Of course I don’t want you to drive. I want you to cool it with this shit. But what can I do? You’re going to do what you want.”

“Come on, Faith. Let’s do this hit.”

“What are we gonna do next?”

“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out in a minute. Ben’ll take us.”

I smile at Ben. He’s standing on the stairs.

“Hit me Faith.”

“I’ll be upstairs.”

“I’ll be up after you.”

“Please don’t be.”

“Hit me.”

“And try not to be so loud that someone calls the cops. I don’t want to have to pick you up from jail.”

“Thanks, baby, we will.”

“This’ll be the last of it.”

“I know Faith. Just do me.”

---

“Ben didn’t mean that.”

“It sounds like he meant it.”

“He’s just mad.”

“Do you want to stay at my place tonight?”

“With your dad?”

“You could stay in my room.”

“Would he mind?”

“He’ll be asleep.”

“I don’t want to fuck up your home situation, Faith, I know he’s pissed at you.”

“He’s always pissed at me.”

“We’ll let’s not make it worse.”

“I kind of. Don’t want to. Stay here tonight.”

“You want me to take us to a hotel?”

“Not really. But maybe.”

“I’ll take us to a hotel. We’ll stop by Mick’s on the way, then we’ll go.”

“Should we?”

“No, but don’t you want to?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah! I do too! That’s magic. I’ll look us up a hotel.”

“Lacy. Can you drive?”

“Sure. Fuck it. Worst case scenario we can just sit in the driveway. We can sleep out there. I’ve got blankets.”

“What about Mick?”

“Maybe Mick can come to us.”

“Does he do that?”

“I’m texting him. Dear Mick. I like you. Do you like me? Press one for yes, two for no. We’ll see what he says.”

“Do you want to go talk to Ben? Make things right?”

“Fuck Ben. Ben is so not even on my radar right now. He messed up with that asking-us-to-leave bullshit. That was ridiculous.”

“Maybe we should just stay here. Want to start drinking?”

“Let’s see what Mick says first.”

“Can I start drinking?”

“Faith, go ahead, but. Don’t you want to see if we can get more first?”

“It’s late.”

“It’s not that late.”

“Do you think Mick’s gonna be up?”

“Come on, Mick. Come on. If you want a drink, have one.”

“Just something to calm down, I won’t take too much.”

“Faith! Don’t be silly just take what you want. Make me one.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Calming down wouldn’t be a bad idea I’m a little riled up! BEN, YOU’RE A FUCKHEAD! God that man pissed me off tonight. I’M CALLING THE COPS! ‘Do you think you might find another place to stay tonight?’ Geez that pisses me off. FAITH AND I ARE FUCKING! Good luck sleeping with that, you fuck. You know he’s jealous, you know it. Don’t you think he’s jealous?”

“I’m jealous.”

“You are?”

Faith nods.

“Don’t worry I ain’t gonna be sleeping with him for a long time. FUCK YOU BEN! I hope I didn’t forget to mention that!”

“Did Mick text back?”

“No.”

---

We decided to go over to his house. Faith and I got in the car with our rum and Cokes and we headed down to Hollywood.

“You ok driving?”

“Yeah. My legs are cramped. But I’m ok.”

“Just making sure. I don’t want to die tonight.”

“I don’t want to kill you.”

“Glad we have that straight.”

“Faith, how did we end up together?”

“We met at the Retreat.”

“But how did we decide, among all the people that you meet, to be together?”

“I just liked you.”

“I liked you too.”

“We like to do the same things.”

“What, get high?”

“And act crazy.”

“Now you know I love me some actin’ crazy.”

“I know.”

“I love you, Faith. I don’t want anything to come between that. Not even Ben.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t want that asshole to come between us when we’re doing something we like to do.”

“You know he loves you.”

“I know he loves me, yes. But I don’t want his lack of imagination getting in the way of us.”

“You mean lack of imagination about drug stuff.”

“Not just drug stuff! His lack of imagination about the way he lives his life, about the way he’s putting together this film, it’s the total package. I’m sick of him fucking shit up.”

“Isn’t that the turn?”

“I’m going around this way.”

“Don’t you love Ben anymore?”

“I love him. I love him. I just don’t know what him and I are doing together. Aside from Gabby Gabby. Do you think I’d get the dog?”

“If you guys split?”

“Yeah.”

“I think Ben’d get the dog.”

“You don’t even think I’m a fit enough mother for a puppy?”

“Nope.”

“Damn you, Faith. Are you slowed down? You ready to do some more?”

“If he’s got it.”

“You know he’s got it. I’m gonna suck on your cunt so hard if we get this.”

“That’s so romantic.”

“K. Let’s get out here. We’ll walk up. It’s like half a block.”

“I know.”

“Sorry, I’m a little fucked up.”

---

We got through the outside door and went up the stairs, to the top, to Mick’s door. I knocked softly.

“Mick?”

Faith takes my hand and bangs it into the door. I start knocking loudly.

“Mick?”

“Mick?”

“Do you think he’s home?”

“Well I don’t know.”

“He’s not home.”

“Mick?”

“He’s not home.”

“Mick?”

“No, I mean he’s definitely not home.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because the dogs.”

She’s right. No dogs. If he was home the dogs would be barking.

“Must be on a trip somewhere.”

“Fuck.”

---

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Lacy, take me home.”

“I can get us a hotel.”

“I don’t want to waste your money.”

“It’s not a waste.”

“Don’t be stupid, Lacy. Save your money. You don’t know when you’re gonna get another job.”

“Come back to my place.”

“I don’t feel good about your place right now. After that whole thing with Ben. I wouldn’t be comfortable being with you there right now. Why don’t you come to my room?”

“I’m scared of your dad.”

Faith laughs.

“So take me home.”

“Damn. Damn. What a sucky way to end a night. I’m sorry Faith.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Ok. Well. I wish it would have been better.”

“It was. Just, trust me. It was.”

And Faith and I squeeze hands. And I know she’s someone special.

---

I drove myself around Faith’s neighborhood a while, scary as it was, wishing I could find somewhere else to buy coke from, wishing I had more, thinking of the places where I’d stored it and praying that I’d accidentally left some in one of those.

I found myself driving near downtown LA. Everything was empty, no cars out. Well, few. LA is never empty. There was a house with an upstairs light on. People wandering around outside. I wondered if I could buy coke there. I kept moving, though. A white girl by herself is not safe this time of night, even in a car.

I saw apartments, I saw convenience stores, I saw office buildings. Then I was going down this one street and a white ambulance, with its lights off, was going the other way. I drove over and saw the entryway to an emergency room, receptionist at the desk, people waiting inside. I parked on the side of the street and sat looking at the signs pointing people the right way in, leading them from the street into the ER, telling them exactly where to drop their broken, their damaged people.

Then I got out of the car and locked it, and walked up to the automatic doors. They opened, and I went inside and sat on the carpet next to the reception desk, and I took my phone out and started to text Faith.

“Can I help you?”

“Huh?”

“Miss. Can I help you?”

“No.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to sit in one of the chairs in the waiting room.”

“I can’t sit here?”

“Miss, are you looking for someone?”

I turn around, kneeling, and peek over the desk.

“Can I help you find someone?”

“Yes. Heather.”

“Heather?”

“Heather Holtz.”

“Let me see. No, I don’t have a Heather Holtz in my system. Maybe she went to another emergency room?”

I sit back down, this time right in front of the reception window.

“Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to move.”

Then a security guard comes over.

“How are you doing tonight?”

“CAN I PLEASE JUST SIT HERE?”

“Miss I’m going to have to call the police. If you don’t move.”

He grabs my wrist and helps me move.

“You can sit on one of these benches. Out here.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?? Why can’t I wait inside like everyone else?”

“Everyone else. Is not screaming.”

He pushes me toward a bench. Then goes back through the doors. I throw my phone at him. It hits the ground and the battery flies out.

“WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE HELP ME?!”

---

It had been a few days since I’d heard from Faith. That was normal, for us every once in a while to go a few days between talking, but four days started to be not-normal, so on the third day I started to worry. I didn’t have her dad’s number, and I didn’t just want to walk up to the apartment. That felt weird. So I waited around my place and thought of all the bad things that could have happened.

When Ben got home I talked to him about it.

“I haven’t seen Faith in three days.”

“Call her up.”

“I mean I haven’t heard from her in three days.”

“Do you think she’s ok?”

“That’s what I’m wondering.”

“Can’t you go to her house?”

“Why would she be not picking up?”

“Maybe her phone isn’t paid for.”

“It’s not like that. It doesn’t give me a disconnection message. It goes to voicemail.”

“Did you try texting her?”

“Yes, Ben.”

“Well I’m sorry you’re worried. I hope she shows up.”

“Thanks. Thank you very much.”

He was useless.

I admit the day after I last saw her I didn’t return texts for a while. I was in a terrible mood, coming out of the coke we had done, and I didn’t even want to talk to Faith. I was worried I had pissed her off by not texting back. Maybe she decided she was done with me, moved onto something else.

I texted her one more time.

Then I thought of the Retreat. Maybe she was back. I still had the number for the short hallway. I called it.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Is Faith there?”

“Lemme see. Faith!? We have a Faith here? Hold on a minute. No. No Faith here right now.”

“Is she in ALSA?”

“There’s no Faith in ALSA. Sorry.”

“Ok. Bye.”

So I did what I didn’t want to do. I got in my car, at eight at night, and headed over to Faith’s house.

---

“Is Faith there?”

“No. Who’s this?”

“Lacy. Faith’s friend.”

“Oh Lacy. Movie star. Yeah. Come on up.”

---

“Hey Danny.”

“Come on in here. We haven’t seen you in a while. And don’t tell me you’ve been busy. I know how you types are.”

“I haven’t been busy but I’ve been.”

“You like to hang out at your place.”

“We don’t like to disturb you.”

“You and Faith never disturb me. You know you’re welcome here anytime.”

“Is Faith here?”

“Faith, is not here.”

“Where is she?”

“I don’t know how much you know about Faith, but like her daddy, Faith has substance abuse problems. Faith is in a detox. She got back on crystal meth a few days ago and she kinda had a bad reaction. I’m sure she’d want to see you.”

“Is she ok?”

“She’s gonna be ok. They’re just looking over her.”

“Can I have the address?”

“Think I got their phone number around here somewhere. Maybe we can call and get that address.”

---

It wasn’t far. I parked in their lot and went to the front desk.

“I need to see Faith Reese.”

“Faith is here but you just missed visiting hours.”

“She’s my best friend.”

“I don’t know what I can tell you.”

“I haven’t seen her in three days I’ve been worried sick. Please just let me say hi to her.”

The receptionist shakes his head. “I’ll see if she wants to see you. What’s your name?”

---

“Lacy, you bastard.”

“Faith, what happened?”

“I fell off a balcony.”

“What??”

“I was high and I fell off a balcony.”

“Why are you here?”

“’Cause I’m still hallucinating. Almost stopped now. Yesterday I didn’t know what was happening to me. Before that it’s black. Before that I was running down the street thinking people were chasing me. I thought there were people in our house!”

“Wait. What?”

“I’m telling you, I was seeing things. Like I thought I was being arrested, in slow motion. The cops had my hands like this. And they were moving over me, to arrest me, super, super, slow.”

“But the cops weren’t arresting you?”

“There were no cops! That shit had my brain bleeding, I was seeing things that weren’t there. Thought there was someone on the roof aiming at me, sniper-style. I couldn’t get away. That’s why I was running down the street. I ran into traffic, Lacy! I coulda got run over. Then I was scrambling up the side of this house that had this balcony thing. I climbed into these people’s balcony, and I was waiting there, because I thought these people were waiting down below to shoot me, but they weren’t ’cause there was no one there, and then I thought they were coming at me from within the house, so I jumped! I jumped off this balcony and scraped myself up.”

“Ouch. Jesus.”

“Yeah. I didn’t feel that at the time. Well, you know. Didn’t you hit a car with your hand while you were high on this shit?”

Faith punches me in the arm.

“Ow!”

“Take that, bitch. Funniest two days of my life.”

“So you jumped off the balcony?”

“Yeah, I jumped off the balcony of these people’s house and then my friends were catching up to me so we went and had a little fun in a gas station!”

“What did you do in the gas station?”

“We pumped gas! I think I drank some of it. Then we stole snacks. You shoulda been there Lacy when we pumped that gas, I was about to light it on fire, too! Thought I was on a mission to blow up those people who were chasin’ me. Glad I didn’t, though, ’cause I woulda blown myself up with all the gas we had running. Whatcha been up to Lace? Are you here to take me home?”

“I don’t think they’re ready for you to go yet.”

“Get me the fuck out of here Lacy, you’re not playing a trick on me, are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“The guy in here earlier was playing a series of tricks on me. He was pretending that the water fountain was something else. Some kind of medical machine. And making this little play. Everything he did was designed to convince me that reality isn’t reality. And I believed him! I thought that shit was true. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t here to do the same thing.”

“I’m not here to trick you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I thought you might be in the Retreat so I called there. I had to go over to your dad’s place to find you. I wish you had called me when you decided to get going on this stuff, you know? I wish you were with me.”

“I didn’t know I was, Lacy. Someone just had it. I sold my food stamps to get what I got and I did waaay too much, obviously. I have to get back to my house, don’t they know that? Can you get someone over here to let me out?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Lacy I got things to do!”

“Faith. Jesus. You’re not making any sense. I hope you didn’t hurt yourself too much with this stuff. Call me next time. I wish I was at least doing it with you. We could have kept each other in check. Why didn’t you call me?”

“Didn’t think of it. No offense. I was runnin’ with my people. Just, got goin’, was off to the motherfuckin’ races, you know? You don’t be holdin’ back no meth trip off a bitch, do you?”

“Jesus. I don’t think you should do this stuff any more.”

“Look who’s talkin’! If you’d’a been there you woulda done it too.”

“I know I would have I’m just saying. We regulate each other.”

“We don’t regulate shit.”

“I need you around, Faith. Not hooked up to hospital monitors where I can’t find you.”

“You found me.”

“I need to be able to call you.”

“Lace. Look at the sky. Do you see all that wonderful blue?”

“It’s nighttime.”

“There is a tunnel of blue playing tricks on the sky.”

“You’re starting to remind me of myself, Faith.”

“That’s a scary thing.”

“I’m gonna come get you tomorrow, ok? We’ll see if we can get you out of here.”

“As long as that guy doesn’t play more tricks on me.”

“I’ll ask him to stop.”

“Will you?”

“Yes.”

---

“So when is she gonna get out?”

“She’ll be out tomorrow, ma’am.”

“Can I come get her? What time will she be?”

“Well I’m not a hundred percent sure she’ll be out but if she is she’ll be out at 10 am. We usually do new admissions at 11 so we like to have the old ones out by 10. You can call us to see if she’s ready.”

“Ok. Thank you. And thank you for letting me visit. Have a good night.”

---

I snuck into bed very gently that night. Got settled. Couldn’t tell if Ben was awake.

“Did you find her?”

“Yes.”

“Is she ok?”

I exhale. “No, Ben, and neither am I. Do you have a minute? Because I don’t want to bother you while you’re sleeping.”

“Go ahead.”

“She’s in a medical detox. She did some meth and went crazy, was trying to light a gas station on fire. She jumped off a balcony. She’s lucky she didn’t kill herself. I went to see her and she’s hooked up to all these heart monitors and shit. She’s not making any sense. I talked to her and she’s not making any sense.”

“Jeez.”

“I know. Ben, that could have been me. I broke my wrist. I could have got hit by that car, I could be in a wheelchair. Faith is lying in that bed not making any sense. I’m supposed to go pick her up tomorrow but what if she’s not making any sense tomorrow? That shit can mess up your brain. I may have already messed up my brain. What if I’ve done that to myself? What if I’m talking that way and I don’t even know it. Am I making sense? Am I the same Lacy you used to know back in Ohio? What has happened to me, Ben, since we’ve been here? Do you think LA is fucked, or is it me? I did not imagine my life this way, out here. Should we go back? If you would even come with me. I know I’ve fucked up, Ben, I know it. I hope you know I love you. With whatever, drug-fucked brain I’m left with, know that I love you. I love our life, at least I love what it used to be. I love our dog. I want to support your film. You’re right, that’s something we always said we’d do. Is it too late?”

“No.”

“It’s not?”

“No, baby. I think you don’t need to worry so much about your brain. I think your brain is complicated. It’s not fucked. You’ve done a little bit of meth and a little bit of coke.”

“More than a little bit. A medium bit. And Adderall.”

“I don’t think you’re going to get into trouble for using Adderall.”

“Mis-using it. Baby I would take four at a time.”

“The point is I think your brain is fine. You seem fine to me, Lacy, except when you’re high. I think if you kept using it throughout your life that you’d have problems.”

“I’m already having problems!”

“Then stop! Just stop.”

“Then I’m left with bipolar me. And you know that stuff gets worse when I stop using.”

“I don’t know what to say to that. That’s why I said your brain is complicated. I don’t think you can use coke or even meth or even drink alcohol like normal people. I think it goes bad for you.”

“Ben.”

“Yeah?”

“Can we make love?”

“Yeah.”

“But can we do it this time, not kinky-style or freak-style or any other kind of style? Can we do it normal-style?”

---

Ben stayed with me in the morning. He went to work late. We drank coffee and watched TV and read on the internet.

“I’m surfing for new jobs.”

“You are?”

“Yes. Right? I can get a job. Even with my past. There’s no reason I can’t be hired.”

“No.”

“Have you thought any more about what I said, about us moving away from LA?”

“Aren’t you looking for work here?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want things to be good.”

“I think we should look for ways for things to be good here. You know. How can we keep ourselves healthy. How can we work on our relationship. Do you want to go to counselling?”

“I already go to counselling. Sometimes.”

“But as a couple do you want to.”

“I don’t know, Ben.”

“No pressure.”

“I want us to make a lot of money, so we can have the things we want. And be able to travel. Take time off. So work on your film.”

“I will.”

“And I’ll help you this time.”

“Ok. Thank you. I need that. I’ve got enough details to worry about.”

“That you don’t want to have to worry about me?”

“Not exactly what I was going to say, but yes.”

“I don’t want you to have to worry about me. I want to go back to the simple me. The me I was when I was younger. Who had tried fewer things. I wish my mind would go back to how it was when I was a kid. Just. Simple. Do you want me to pack you a lunch?”

“I’ll buy something.”

“Ben. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Lacy, now have a good day. Don’t worry about anything.”

“I’m worried about Faith a little bit.”

“Are you going to see her?”

“Yeah, I’m about to go pick her up.”

“I hope she’s ok.”

“Yeah, well.”

“And I hope you have fun with her.”

“I hope I just get her home alive.”

“You’re not bringing her over here?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Not feelin’ it. She was really fucked up yesterday.”

“Well tell her I said hi.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“Bye, baby.”

“Bye.”

---

“Why can’t we go to your house?”

“I’m just going to drop you off.”

“You can’t! I can’t see my dad at a time like this. He depresses me. You have to take me somewhere. The Arclight, if you don’t wanna go to your place. Lacy, please.”

“I’m afraid you’re sick, I want to get you to bed so you can rest.”

“I’m not sick. I’m just coming down off some shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Hate that shit. Don’t worry, Lacy, I’m never doing it again.”

“Good.”

“You don’t either, ok?”

“Ok.”

“I mean it.”

“I’m glad.”

“Do you think I fucked my brain up?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jesus, that’s not what you’re supposed to say! You’re supposed to say, ‘No Faith, your brain is fine.’ Thanks a lot!”

“I wish I could say that. I wish I could say that about both our brains. I was talking with Ben about it last night. You do too much of that stuff, you fuck yourself up, there’s no coming back. If you don’t kill yourself first.”

“I almost did, didn’t I?”

“You could have. We both could have. Standing in the middle of the street while we’re high? That’s all it takes!”

“I’m telling you, I was drinking gasoline.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I know it was.”

“Beautiful stuff we’re messing with. I’m so glad Mick introduced me.”

“I’ve been doing that stuff since I was twelve.”

“Jesus.”

“No. Eleven. Do you think that’s why I’m so all over the place?”

I look at Faith.

“No, I know it probably is. Part of the reason. Part of it is because I was born this way. My tremors. I’ve had those since before I ever started taking psych meds. I think it’s ’cause I was premature. And since my mom and dad are drug addicts.”

“Where’s your mom?”

“She’s dead. But she was a drug addict. That’s what killed her.”

“Sorry, Faith.”

“Don’t sorry me! I’ll come over there on that side of the car and go Jackie Chan on your ass. You know never to sorry me. But yeah, she was a drug addict. She used to yell at us all the time. And leave us in the car and stuff. Growing up was a real fun experience, let me tell you. My dad’s a little better now that she’s gone. But he still drinks, though, and he still does the occasional line of coke. I grew up using drugs with my parents. You probably don’t want to hear about all this.”

“No, Faith, I do. You have to learn that I really care about you. I care about your stories. I don’t want you to be in some detox somewhere, ever again. We’ve got to stop doing this to our bodies!”

“You’re right.”

“It’s so hard not to, though. I mean what am I going to do, stop everything? Even drinking? How do I work in the set of How I Met The Devil without drinking? a) Because everyone does it and b) because it just fits with the work. It makes sense to be a little fucked up with the work I do. Doesn’t it? Or am I supposed to go in there all clean and sober and do my job? Maybe if everyone was sober! I’m sorry if I’m not a health nut.”

“You’re a maniac, Lacy.”

“I’m glad you’re entertained.”

“No, I’m sorry you just crack me up. Did you crack everyone up on How I Met The Devil?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes.”

“Hey, which way are we going?”

“Sherman Oaks.”

“We’re going to your place?”

“I changed my mind.”

---

I took Faith to my house with the intention of not having sex with her. I set her up on the couch and I took the chair.

“You want to watch How I Met The Devil?”

“Is that not off-limits?”

“I DVR’d a bunch. You can pick. No it’s not off-limits. I have a sense of humor! Pick one.”

“I’ve seen a few of these. With my dad. I already know you’re good.”

“I’m not trying to impress you.”

“’Cause you’ve already got me!” Her laughter was inappropriately loud. “I always wondered when the day would come that you and I would watch your TV show together.”

“I’m over it,” I say. “I really am. It was a low point for me, or a chaotic point, or something. There were good things about it.”

“You mean about the part where you pulled a gun and.”

“Not that part. You want to be a cunt? Do what comes naturally to you.”

“Oh-ho! Hit a sore spot! I’m just messing with you, Lacy. Are you really mad?”

“No, just pick an episode.”

“Are you seriously mad?”

“No. I’m laughing. Everything is cool. Pick one and we’ll watch it.”

I get up and go to the kitchen.

“I’m going to drink, Faith.”

I’m waiting for her to say something but she doesn’t.

“Do you want anything?”

“I didn’t know if I was allowed.”

“What, just ’cause I pulled you out of medical detox where they weren’t sure if you were going to live? Nah, you can still drink.”

“Are you having rum and Coke?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll have that. Is this episode ok?”

“Yes. Press play.”

“Do you mind if I take my clothes off? I just mean some of them. I’m hot.”

“Go right ahead. Do you want ice?”

“No.”

I make us both rum and Cokes. With Bacardi 151.

“You know you’re not supposed to drink on Seroquel,” Faith reminds me.

“That’s ok, because I’m not on my Seroquel.”

“You’re not?”

“Haven’t been taking it.”

“Shame shame.”

“You’re on Seroquel.”

“No I’m not.”

I shake my head.

“Makes me tired,” she says.

“Are you on your other meds?”

“No. Are you?”

“No. Well ever since we started doing coke I didn’t see the point! I’m taking Adderall. That’s it.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“I’m taking it as prescribed.”

“Yeah right.”

“No, I am. I need to go back to my doctor soon.”

“Dr. Giggle?”

Faith sips her rum and Coke.

“You know what I think? I think, let’s get my life back together. Then I think, when it was together it was boring. Which one do I choose?”

“Choose boring, believe me. I’ve been trying to get my life to go ok for years.”

“You’ll never have a boring life, Faith.”

“Did you mean that I’m going to be crazy forever, ’cause thanks.”

“No, I didn’t. I just mean you’re an interesting person, you could never be boring, not that you’re going to have things go wrong with you.”

“Well that’s the kind of boring I’m talking about. Like not getting in detoxes cause you did a bunch of crystal meth with your friends. I want that kind of boring. I didn’t mean to do this, this time. I’m started stopping doing drugs. You’re the only person I do ’em with. And that’s more of a you and me thing than a drug thing. I don’t want to do drugs with anyone but you, Lacy.”

“We can find other things to do.”

“And we can. You’re right. We’ve always been able to find other things to do.”

“Like m-mmm.”

“Stop, Lacy, I’m still sick off crystal meth.”

“Don’t you want to feel my hands?”

“Yes, but I feel sick. I’m still hallucinating, I think.”

“So?”

“I feel like a junkie, Lacy, stop.”

“What about this?”

“Uhn.”

“Good little girl. Can you see the TV alright?”

“Yeah but you’re not on.”

“I will be. Just lie back.”

“Ok, Lacy, but. I feel terrible.”

“I want to make you feel better.”

---

“Faith.”

“Yeah.”

“I think I need you. I think I’ve developed this deep need for you and it’s like if I go through a period of thinking that I can step back for a while, then you come back even stronger and against my will. Like I’m thinking I can keep you at a distance and you sneak into my skin. Every time I see you I remember how much I love you. And it’s not just a physical thing but it is a physical thing. I can’t get enough of being with you. Controlling you. Letting you control me. Even now, when you’re sick, you seem to healthy to me. You seem fit. I don’t know how you could do anything wrong because when you’re fucked up on crystal you’re still perfect to me. I want us to get healthy. Go jogging. Only if you want to. Stick to drinking. Stay out of the hospital. Be friends for the rest of our lives. I’m a fiend for you, Faith. Since the day we met. The maniac in me met the maniac in you and that was it. Something in your fire and something in my fire I think got together and at least for me, it’s still there. I don’t know if you can be less crazy, though, and I don’t know if I can either. I love you, love you whatever you do. Whatever you get into. It’s not too much. I can take it. I need someone like you in my life, to remind me I’m alive. Your craziness does that. It’s not craziness to me, even though it should be. It’s not. It’s just life, so much life coming out of you that it’s violent sometimes, and I always even liked the parts of you that are violent. Do you know what I mean about this, Faith? Am I making any sense?”

“You’re making sense.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s more or less the same way I feel about you, when you get us high or do what you did on Devil. You’re very very alive, Lacy, and I’d never trade that for anything.”

---

“You wanna get some meth?”

“No.”

“Lacy, I just want to do a little. To help me come down. I feel like I’m dying.”

“I’ll get you another drink.”

“No, I don’t want another drink. I want you to call Mick.”

“It’s not going to happen.”

“Let me call him.”

“Faith. Hell no I’m done with that asshole. If I hadn’t met him I might still have my job on Devil.”

“No you wouldn’t. You would have found it some other way. It’s not Mick’s fault.”

“Well I don’t want to call him.”

“That’s why I’m saying give me the phone.”

“Faith! Leave it alone. I just picked you up from medical detox. Do you even know how long you were there? I’m not taking you back into this.”

“It wouldn’t be you taking me.”

“Faith. Please. Let’s just have a nice time together.”

“We are having a nice time.”

“Let’s keep having a nice time.”

“What? I’m just asking. Forget it. Didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You didn’t offend me.”

“Then what do you call how you’re being right now?”

“I’m just tired. I’m tired of going through the same thing over and over because we decide to get meth. Or coke. Or whatever. You and I probably shouldn’t even be doing coke. Coke is for healthy people without any mental disabilities.”

“How long was I in that place?”

“Three days.”

“I don’t remember the first two, then. I thought I was having a dream. It’s just little flashes, from the hospital. There was a doctor telling me that the guy in the next bed was dying from a meth overdose, that I was lucky it wasn’t killing me. Then I thought that one guy at the detox was playing tricks on me. But he wasn’t playing tricks on me. That was just my hallucination. My brain is fucked, Lacy.”

“It’s not fucked, just stop. You can’t do any more of that stuff.”

“Like as a rule of our relationship?”

“Just as a rule for yourself. Go on and live your life without it. I will too. We can’t be stupid anymore.”

“But I don’t like to live normal.”

“I don’t either. I don’t either Faith but that can’t be part of it. I don’t know the answer.”

“Ok. I get you. Calm down. I didn’t mean to scare you, Lacy. I know you didn’t sign up for my brand of crazy when you met me.”

“I know I have my own brand, too.”

“You do. You seriously do. But I’m sorry, Lacy.”

“That’s ok.”

“Want to go to lunch? You can eat. I’ll sit there.”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Take me to your Italian place.”

“No.”

“Aww, Lacy, let’s not just sit around here all day.”

“Ok!”

“What?”

“You know what I want to do?”

“What?”

“Get my hair dyed.”

---

“It’s beautiful. It’s perfect.”

“I love it.”

“You should.”

“I really do. Do you think Ben will like it?”

“I don’t know. Does Ben like goth girls?”

“He likes everything.”

“Does Ben have a girlfriend?”

“You mean like I have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“No. Not that I know of.”

“You two are weird.”

“We’re not weird.”

“Why get married if you’re just going to fuck around?”

“Do you really like this color?”

“I like it. It’s flat. It’s classic.”

“Do you like goth girls?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m in love with this color. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner. You know what we have to do next? Shop for clothes. Yeah. That’s right. I’ll take you to some little boutiques that Gretchen York introduced me to.”

“Yeah, but all the clothes will be for you.”

“I’ll buy you stuff.”

“You will?”

“You want me to buy you stuff?”

“You’re insane, Lacy. Sure, why not. Get us matching outfits. I don’t think I’d look right in your fancy-girl boutiques.”

“You would.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up I’m trying to make you over. Do you want to go shopping now?”

“What time does Ben get home?”

“Not till seven, eight.”

“Why not?”

“Ok, we’ll get me some clothes and we’ll get you some clothes. My treat. We’ll try on everything and buy everything we like. One day only. Spend some of that How I Met The Devil money.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean are you sure you can afford it?”

“Who cares. YOLO, Faith.”

“YOLO?”

“You Only Live Once. Say it.”

Faith shakes her head.

“Say it.”

She mumbles something.

“Say it.”

“YOLO.”

“What?”

“YOLO!”

“That’s right bitch, now let’s go shopping.”

---

“Are you feeling better?”

Faith finishes sipping her water, then nods.

“It feels good to get out and about, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, thank you for today.”

“You’re welcome. See? You can come down off drugs gracefully, all you need is a credit card and some sunshine, get back into doing what you normally do.”

“This isn’t what I normally do.”

“Well get back into doing something.”

“Your life is something, Lacy. I can see.”

“What?”

“I can see in you the kind of crazy they talk about in bipolar disorder.”

“You have it, too.”

“But you have it more. You do. You’re nuts, and I love you.”

“You’re really open with the ‘I love you’ words!”

“Because why not. I almost died three days ago. I know I’m still not really down off that crystal meth but I am starting to sober up and I know I’m not going to live forever. I don’t even think you and me are gonna be together forever. But I want to enjoy it while it lasts.”

“Well this calls for wine.”

“Do you think I should be drinking right now?”

“Yes. Yes! Are you kidding? We’re not going to go out to celebrate and not have wine!”

“What are we celebrating?”

“You getting out.”

“Are you sure we’re not just celebrating you being a maniac?”

---

“How did you get to that detox?”

“Ambulance. Well. Ambulance brought me from the street to the hospital. I don’t remember going from there to the detox. So, I don’t know. Why?”

“Just wondered.”

“Have you ever been in a place like that?”

“No.”

“I have. Twice. That was my third time. Pray it’s my last. Don’t ever do so much drugs you have to end up in one of those places, Lacy. Promise? I didn’t mean to do that to you. I wasn’t thinking of how it might affect you. I wasn’t thinking of going there at all! I just did a little, then a little more, then a lot more, then I was drinking gasoline.”

“Ewghk.”

“Tasted fine to me. Not sure how much of it I actually drank. Do I taste like gasoline?”

“Let me see. No.”

“Did you text Ben?”

“Yeah, he was leaving when I texted.”

“How long does his bus take?”

“Half an hour.”

“So I have half an hour with you, huh?”

“To do whatever you want with me?”

“What if what I want is you to stare into my eyes and say pretty words to me?”

“Words like what?”

“Like ‘starlet’.”

“Starlet.”

“I like thinking of you as a starlet.”

“I’m gonna be a starlet again.”

“I know you are. You were meant to be. You’ve got the energy for it.”

“What are you going to do, Faith?”

“Keep on being me.”

“But you have to do something.”

“You know what I was thinking?”

“Tell me.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Come on! You know all my secrets!”

“Ok. I was thinking about having a radio show.”

“That’s a great idea!”

“I could comment on things I had something to say about, get all fired up, you know how I get, when something makes me mad. I could talk about it and get people to call in and think about stuff that’s important, you know? I’ve been thinking about it and that’s what I really want to do, Lacy. Do you think I could do that?”

“Absolutely you could do that. Yes Faith! You could even make your radio station on the internet, be a radio blogger, that way you could get started for free.”

“Could you show me how to do that?”

“Me or Ben could.”

“Would you do that?”

“Of course! Faith that’s a great idea. I can see you as a radio personality of some sort. You’re funny.”

“I am?”

“Yes. You’re snappy with words?”

“I’m ‘snappy’?”

“Yes. Shut up. You’re quick is all I’m saying. You can talk. This is a great idea and I’ll do whatever I can to help you with it. Ben will too.”

“You’ve already committed him.”

“Ben would love to help. He’s busy with his film but what are you going to do if you don’t have time to help your friends?”

“You think Ben considers me a friend?”

“I think you have self esteem issues, Faith. I think you’ve been beat down and you don’t believe that you’re worth a shit. But you are! You have to believe that! I do.”

“You really do, don’t you.”

“Yes, Faith. Yes.”

---

“How often do you think about suicide?”

“Here and then. Why Faith. How often do you?”

“I’ve been a lot. Lately. I thought about it while I was high. Well, I thought about death. I thought a lot about it right before I got high. That’s part of why I did that meth. I wanted to feel better. I was having all these ghost faces appear and tell me things.”

“Ghost faces?”

“Yeah, like these pop up faces that would tell me messages like you should kill yourself tonight and stuff like that. Do you ever get those?”

“No.”

“Well I was getting them a lot. These faces that pop up and tell me to do things. And some of them were telling me to kill myself. They would tell me the ways to do it and everything. Like, go in your bathroom and get all the pills from my cabinet and take ’em all at once. Or, get the toaster and put it in the bathtub with you. They would just pop in and tell me things to do.”

“Have you told your doctor about this?”

“Which doctor? The doctor at the Retreat? The doctor at LifeWorks? I’ve told all of ’em, yeah. They know about it. Did you like the Retreat?”

“Yeah.”

“I want to go back there.”

“I want to go back there sometimes, too.”

“We should go.”

“How?”

“I was thinking. You could drive us to the Retreat and we could. This is crazy. Are you gonna think this is crazy? But we could drive to the Retreat and sit on the wall outside and each take a bunch of pills with us. We’d sit on the wall and swallow all those pills and then get the security guard to come over to us. And then we’d tell him what we’d done. Excuse me, we just took all these handful-loads of pills! They’d have to let us back in. They wouldn’t let us leave the property.”

“They’d probably take us to the emergency room.”

“Oh yeah, to make us eat charcoal.”

“Eat charcoal?”

“That’s what they do when you overdose. To clear your stomach.”

“Oh.”

“But after the emergency room they would bring us back.”

“Yeah, probably. They’d take us somewhere.”

“But I’d want to go with you. Wherever they took you. Do you think they’d separate us?”

“I don’t know, Faith.”

“Do you think this is a stupid idea?”

“No, I love it, is the sick part.”

“You think I’m sick.”

“I think you relate to the comfort of being at the Retreat. I agree with you. It’s nice when someone’s looking after you, taking care of you.”

“So do you want to do it?”

“I don’t know Faith.”

“What’s wrong?”

“What if when we do it, we die?”

Faith looks at me blankly.

Just then Ben opens the door, and Faith and I sit up on the couch.

6

I decided to rent a limousine. I had never ridden in one and it seemed a shame to die without, so I looked that shit up on the internet and I did it. I wanted to have everyone I knew ride around in it with me, from Sarah the girl I met at the Arclight who turned out not to like girls to Caroline who I never hung out with enough on account of being fucked up all the time to Gretchen York, if I could get her to come along. It was only gonna cost me around five hundred dollars, for an evening, plus the driver tip. Faith helped me organize. Ben stood by and laughed.

Ben had nothing positive to say about me at this point. He thought the limousine thing was clearly a manic episode and I agreed. I just didn’t want to talk about it like that. Everything manic, everything bipolar. Everything was just a little too clinical for me. I wasn’t in the hospital. I was doing something fun, for me and my friends. Ben was invited. I wasn’t doing drugs. Did we have to make everything Dr. Hunter friendly? I, unlike faith, didn’t want to go back to the hospital. I liked the comfort of it but I didn’t need to get back in like on the spot. I liked Faith’s fake-suicide plan, but I wasn’t ready to go through with it. Like I said, what if we killed ourselves? That was a big downside. Somewhere in there a little bit of my sense of humour had returned. And strangely, it was seeing Faith in detox that had done it for me. Just this little reminder that someone else’s life was worse than mine. It did wonders for me.

So the limousine. It was kind of a precursor to this party Ben and I were having. To show off the cut of his movie that he had been working on the last six months. We were having the party at a Malibu house that he and I had rented for the occasion. Very not cheap. But we wanted to have an appropriate place for him to showcase his film to the people who worked on it and to Ben’s friends and friends of friends, who might want to work with him in the future, or recommend him, or something. It wasn’t very scientific. Mainly we wanted to celebrate. The party was for showing Ben’s film. The limousine was for me to fuck around with my friends.

---

“So the driver’s going to be there at nine o’clock?”

“Yes. You want it nine to three, right?”

“Right. Will he be able to stay out till three?”

“As late as you want, Miss.”

“I want three.”

The basic plan was to drive around Hollywood and act like badasses, then hit up a couple of diners, maybe get some chicken and waffles, even head over to Beverly Hills. Everyone would get dressed up and cram into the back of this thing and we would, basically, own. I knew getting Gretchen York to come would be the hardest, because Gretchen York’s life is already one step below riding around in a limousine all the time. To her, something like this would be chintsy. To me, it was a major event.

I definitely wanted Faith to come along because Faith’s life knew nothing like this. She was never going to ride in a limo in all her life if I didn’t go crazy and rent one. Faith knew meth and fights and druggie parents. Me, I got into drugs once I got to LA. But my parents never did ’em. They smoked pot, that’s it. Faith her mom died of an overdose and her dad used meth with her when she was twelve. That’s a different kind of upbringing. Almost nothing can make two people compatible across that divide. Faith and I were lucky. We got to be from opposite sides of the fence and still love each other. Don’t get me wrong, there were still ways in which we were incompatible. Totally incompatible. But we connected in ways we could, and that’s what matters.

I wanted to invite Caroline, because I had neglected Caroline. Caroline used to be my best friend, and now, except for the occasional trip to the gym, we were almost completely out of it. Caroline and I used to hold each other’s hair back in college when we were vomiting. We were scene partners. We were girlfriends. In LA it had just dissolved. She wasn’t important to me out here. She was doing smaller plays and I wanted to see them, I just never had the time. It was always helping Ben with his movie or it was Gabby Gabby. Still, Caroline was a cool girl. I wanted to do something special for her. Hanging out in the limousine could be it.

Oh. I forgot to mention that we were driving around in the limo picking people up. That was part of what was special about it. I wanted to pick Caroline up at her apartment, then later on in the evening drop her back there. Same with everyone else.

So that was my limousine plan. Sounds ok, right? Not too manic. Just getting together for some fun with a few friends in a really long car. Except that’s never how it works out with me. You’d think I could plan a quiet night. But you’d be wrong.

---

First I got picked up. It was me and Ben at the house, and we get a knock on the door. My driver, whose name was Julian, shows up at the door. He’s wearing a suit. Very tall, lanky dude. He comes in and sees the alcohol bottles he gets all excited.

“We can use them, to set up the bar.”

I had planned on taking bottles with me but I didn’t know the limo came with a bar.

“Oh yes, do you have ice? We can set this up very nice.”

“You don’t speak like a Julian.”

“What?”

“You speak more like a Miles.”

“It is Julian.”

“You’re very formal Julian.”

“Thank you.”

Julian’s grabbed our gin so I grab the rum and we’re headed out the door.

Ben says, “Do you want me to help?”

“No, I think we got this.”

“Ok. Have fun.”

“I’m not saying bye yet! Julian, hold up. Do we have room for all these bottles?”

---

So that’s how Julian picked me up. I was dressed plain. Black dress. Heels. Jewlrey.

“So where we headed?”

“We’re headed to pick up my friend Faith.”

I give him the address.

“Bad part of town,” he says.

“Do you think we’ll have trouble with the limo?”

“We might.”

“Like what?”

“Kids beating on it with rocks. It has happened before.”

“In this neighborhood?”

“In a similar one.”

“Well we’ll be fast, I promise. I’ll call her before we get there.”

“You call her now.”

---

“Faith! You look beautiful.”

“I’m not supposed to look beautiful.”

“Beautiful isn’t what I meant.”

Faith has on punk-style black, with a hot blue belt and a headband.

“Do I really look ok?”

“You look great.”

Faith shakes her head.

“You’re gonna have me meeting all your high class friends and everybody’s gonna be dressed like you. You’re beautiful, by the way. You’re the one who’s beautiful.”

“Faith. How long have we been together?”

“Too long.”

“You know I’m not about high class. Tonight we’re just about high fun.”

“Really? High fun?”

“Drunk fun.”

“If you had high fun then this would be a party.”

“It is a party. Get in. You’re making Julian nervous.”

“Julian? Your driver’s name is Julian? Hi Julian, I’m Faith.”

“Hello Faith.”

“I’m gonna be a holy hell tonight because see all this alcohol Lacy has in here, I’m gonna drink off every bottle.”

“You’re not driving.”

“Good point Julian.”

Faith pats him on the shoulder, through the inside window.

“Your friend Lacy speaks very highly of you.”

“Does she.”

“Yes, she was telling me about you on the way over.”

“Did she tell you I’m a bipolar meth addict with suicidal tendencies? ’Cause that’s what I am.”

“No. She said you were a very nice girl that she likes to fuck.”

“Aww, Lacy. You’re so romantic! Come here.”

Faith starts giving me a hug but then crawls into my lap, groping me, saying “Aww.” We’re making out when I remember that we need to tell Julian where to go next.

---

“Lacy!”

“Caroline!”

“Do I just get in?”

“Yeah! This is my friend Faith, this is Julian, our driver.”

“Hi Faith.”

“Hi.”

“Hi Julian.” Caroline says it kind of sexy.

“Hi Caroline. Are you a suicidal meth head too?”

“I’ve been telling Julian all about my friends.”

“Ok.”

Faith blushes. You wouldn’t believe her little badass self does, but it’s true.

“The suicidal meth head thing is about me,” I say.

“And me,” Faith says. “Don’t lie.”

Caroline is quiet.

“So. How is everyone doing?”

“Everyone’s fine,” I say.

But Faith’s glaring at me.

“You two’ll get along. You might just need some warm up time. Caroline, help yourself to the bar.”

“I see that. How excellent! Is there anything that’s off-limits. Lacy’s special drink?”

“Nope. It’s all yours. I’m only drinking a little tonight.”

Faith lets off a laugh.

“I am.”

“Whatever.”

“Jesus!”

“I’ll believe it when I see it Lacy. Believe it when I see it.”

“So whatcha having?”

“Rum. You’re sure you don’t mind?”

“Caroline, drink rum. Lacy doesn’t care. You’re hereby ordered to drink rum.”

“God, Lacy, it’s been so long.”

“I know. I’m bad. I don’t even know if you’re in a play.”

“I’m between plays. I was doing Shakespeare, Midsummer Night. Now I’m about to be doing a comic adaptation by this guy who is kind of my boyfriend!”

“What? Congratulations. Is he cute?”

“He’s alright.”

“I bet. That’s great Caroline I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

“Like I said. It’s been a while.”

“And like I said, I’m sorry I’m a fuck-up. We shouldn’t have let it go this long, Caroline.”

“Anytime you want to go to the gym.”

“Anytime you want to ride around in a limo.”

“Yeah, what is up with this? You just decided you wanted to be driven around in a limousine all night long?”

“Just wanted to celebrate.”

“Well you look great. So do you, Faith. I love your hair.”

“Is she just saying that?”

“No.”

“No. I mean it. I like your outfit. What do you do, other than be a suicidal meth maniac?”

“Oh ho. Very funny. Everyone’s a comedian now. Lacy’s a comedian, now this one’s a comedian. That’s basically it. I fuck shit up, like Lacy. And like Lacy I am a suicidal meth maniac who is also bipolar. Did you know all those things about Lacy?”

“No.”

“Well you’re welcome. That goes for both of you. Let’s do a toast, to, being fucking insane, ’cause that’s clearly what you are, Lacy, for bringing me along on this trip.”

“Oh no, are you upset?”

Faith laughs.

“No, I’m just fucking with you.”

“Really?”

“Yes! I don’t care. I just don’t wanna be judged.”

“I’m not judging you.”

“Alright, good then Caroline, you’re good in my book. You better keep drinking that rum because I don’t trust people who don’t drink on this venture. That includes you, Lacy. I wanna see bottoms up and refills pouring all fucking night on this Great Space Coaster.”

“Don’t you love her?” I say.

And Caroline says, “Yes.”

---

We went to get Sarah next. She didn’t want to get into the limousine.

“Lacy, god. I don’t think. I don’t think I can go on this.”

“She’s saying it like it’s some sort of ride.”

“With you, I’m sure it’s going to be.”

“Get her in here!”

“You’re scaring me!”

“There’s nothing to be scared of. You’ll have me by your side.”

“Uh-h. Yes. Who’s this?”

“I’m Caroline. I’m Lacy’s friend from college.”

“Well I’m Lacy’s friend from Los Angeles. We met at the Arclight.”

“Oh yeah, I know Lacy likes to hang out there.”

“It’s a great place to hang out. I like to hang out there too. Caroline, right?”

“Yes.”

“And this is Faith, my friend from.”

“Yes, Lacy, where did you and Faith meet?”

“We met in the nuthouse.”

“Oh god, Lacy. That’s classic. I’m sure you did, too. I’m Sarah.”

“Faith. Have a drink I’m having one.”

“I don’t drink.”

“Well this is gonna be a long night for you.”

“What are you drinking?”

“Rum and Coke.”

“Lacy’s drink. Yeah, she forces me.”

“Do you force her to drink these?”

“She does. She does. Yeah, we met in the nuthouse. I was there when she found out she had bipolar disorder.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Bipolar II, right here.”

“What does the bipolar II part mean?”

“It means it’s the lesser form of the disease.”

“I have bipolar I. But I think they got it wrong for Lacy. I think she really has type I.”

“You think I’m manic, huh?”

“Yeah, baby, I think you are.”

“Are you two together?”

I nod.

“Lacy what have you been up to. I should have kissed you that one night, huh? You lose track of someone for a few months and look what happens.”

“It’s been more than a few months.”

“Are you still with Ben?”

“Yeah.”

“Does he know about this?”

“Yes, he does.”

“Is he ok with it?”

“Seems to be.”

“I like how you roll, Lacy. You get everything.”

“That’s how I play it.”

“I saw you on TV.”

“I thought you didn’t watch TV.”

“I don’t. But Adam was watching and he recognized you from the party.”

“Adam was crazy,” both me and Caroline say simultaneously.

“Adam is crazy. Especially when we have people over. But yeah, he’s watching How I Met the Devil and there you are. He’s like, isn’t that your friend. We watched the whole episode! I’m so proud of you, Lacy.”

“Thank you.”

“How’s that going?”

“It’s not. Uh. Yeah. I’m done filming with them.”

“She got fired.”

“I was trying to think of a way of telling her that.”

“I decided to help.”

“Yeah, I got fired. Not the most shining moment in my fledgling career, but.”

“Do you want me to tell you why she got fired?”

“Thank you Faith, that’s enough. I can’t take it if you tell all my secrets.”

“Lacy has secrets?”

“I thought she only had catastrophes!”

“Hey!”

“Do you really not drink?”

“I really don’t.”

“Well I don’t know why you decided to come along on this party. I’m about to get trashed.”

“So who’s next to pick up?”

“Oh Julian!”

“You forgot to introduce Julian!”

“Hi!”

“Hi!”

“That’s Julian. Um. Julian. Next we’re going to pick up.”

“Who is it Lacy?”

“Wait till she tells you.”

“Oh yeah, is it someone special?”

Faith nods.

The limousine is silent.

“Next I want to pick up Gretchen York.”

---

“Everyone, this is Gretchen.”

“Hi Gretchen.”

“Hello.”

“Just introduce yourselves!”

“Caroline.”

“I’m Sarah.”

“Faith.”

“I love your outfit, Faith.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I sit here?”

“Go ahead.”

“Lacy, how come all your friends don’t know each other?”

“I’m just a loner, I guess.”

“No, that’s just the way LA is, everybody’s in these neat little compartments. No one knows anyone. That’s part of why I love it here.”

“Are you an actor too?”

“No, I wash dishes. Lacy just picked me up at the Arclight bar.”

“I tried to pick her up. She wouldn’t have me. But that’s ok. I got this one, now.”

“And how do you know Faith?”

“We went through all this!”

“Yeah, we went through it once before.”

“Ok, ok, I’ll do the introductions. Sarah Lacy met at the Arclight, as you know. Faith, Lacy met at an insane asylum where they were both staying for a while, and she met you on the set of How I Met The Devil obviously, and me she met in college. Back in Ohio. Everyone clear?”

“How is it to work with Lacy? I’m curious.”

“Lacy is very talented.”

“Does she fuck around a lot?”

“Lacy is a bit on the wild side. I like that about her very much.”

“You did?”

“What do you mean ‘I did’? Talking about it like it’s in the past tense! I still like you, Lacy. We don’t have to work together.”

“I fucked up real bad on the set you guys.”

“You were losing it, Lacy. I wanted to help you more but I didn’t know how. I mean not help you, but.”

“I know.”

“Reach out to you, as someone who’s used to that set and is also your friend. You were going through a tough time, obviously.”

“I’m always going through a tough time, though.”

“Well you’ll make it. I know you will. There’s lots of other shows besides Devil.”

“I wanna know. Forgive me if this is something you get asked a lot, but, what’s it like working with Tim Goring?”

“Hey! You could have asked me that!”

“I know. Isn’t that funny. It’s because I think of you as my friend from school and I think of Gretchen as. Famous.”

“Lacy was on as many episodes as I was while she was working.”

“You know what we should do, Lacy?”

“What?”

“Pick up Gabby Gabby.”

“I wanted to, but I didn’t know if you were allowed to take dogs.”

“Ask him!”

“Hey Julian.”

“Hey.”

“Can we bring a dog in here?”

“If it’s a small dog.”

“For seriously? Alright. Let’s swing by and pick up Gabby Gabby.”

---

So we went to my house. I wanted everyone to just stay in the limo while I ran in to get Gabby Gabby but as I was going into the house I saw Gretchen’s long leg getting out of the car.

Ben turned around from watching TV when I opened the door.

“What are you doing?”

“Picking up Gabby Gabby.”

“How is it going?”

“Oh, you know. People are getting to know each other. Come here, girl, are you ready to go on a trip? When’s the last time you walked her?”

“I walked her since you’ve been gone.”

Just then Gretchen York puts her hand inside the door, still holding her drink, and pushes her way into the house.

“This is nice, Lacy. Look at this. Ooh, nice doggie! Why didn’t you ever invite me over?”

“We were going to, remember? Then all that shit happened. Do you two remember each other?”

“Ben.”

“Gretchen. Oh, duh, we met on the set.”

“Good to see you again.”

“I’ve really enjoyed working with your wife.”

“And she really enjoyed working with you, too. She’d tell stories about you.”

“Lacy is a wonderful person. She doesn’t believe that about herself but. Lacy, people like me and your husband know how wonderful you are. That’s why we hang around you. I love you, Lacy, you know that. I hope you don’t mind if I mess with you a little bit.”

“Go ahead. I’ve got a target painted on my ass tonight.”

“Do you know all of Lacy’s friends?”

“I think so.”

“Why didn’t you invite Ben along?”

“Oh, he’s invited. He just wanted to stay home and make it a girl thing.”

“Well now we’re gonna have Gabby Gabby. Is she a girl?”

“Yes. She’s a girl.”

“Ben, you should come along with us. Can we, Lacy?”

“You want to bring my husband?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Ben, do you want to change your mind?”

“If you want me to.”

“What are you guys doing in here?” That’s Faith, with Caroline right behind her.

“Ben is deciding he wants to join us.”

“Yes, Ben, I don’t want to have to hang out with all these girls.”

Sarah is at the door, peeking inside.

“Come on in, Sarah, we’re having a party. Which I don’t understand since all my booze is out in the limousine.”

“Ben. What did you think when Lacy said she wanted to rent a limousine. Did you try and stop her?”

“No, I just. Let her do what she wants.”

“It drives me crazy.”

“If she wants to rent a limousine, it’s fine with me.”

“Did you pay for this Lacy or did he?”

“I paid for it.”

“Ben, are you coming?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have to! Lacy do you want him there or not?”

“It’s his choice. He’s invited.”

“You two are too wishy-washy. Ben, take my hand. Do you have shoes? Does he have shoes?”

“Ben, do you wanna come?”

“Sure, Lacy. Do I have to stay out the whole time?”

“Yes. Yes he does. He has to stay out the whole time. Do you drink or are you like Sarah?”

“I drink.”

“He sits by me. Oh hold up, hold up. I brought something for you, Lacy. I mean it’s something to celebrate. I hope you don’t think this is in bad taste, but I brought you some blow.”

Gretchen is waiting for my response.

“That’s fine. I only want to do a little.”

“Well that’s good because I only have a little and there are how many of us? Six. Sarah, do you want some cocaine?”

“Sure.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t drink but you do cocaine?”

“I mean I don’t usually do it. But, on this occasion, with you all, yes, I would love some cocaine.”

“Yes!”

“Faith, Caroline, you into this? It’s better that we do this in your house, rather than in the limo. You never know about those guys.”

“He’d probably want to join in.”

“Should we invite Julian?”

“No. No. Can I use your table?”

“Here. Sit here.”

“Sarah? You want to have a seat? Caroline?”

We all get more or less situated in the living room. I’m feeling ok about this, knowing I’m with people and I’m not going to do too much. My stomach’s excited. We just all have to make sure we take a shit before we get back in the limousine.

Gretchen taps it out on our coffee table, and she has more than a little bit, but with six people it shouldn’t be too bad. She grabs her ID and a twenty from her purse and for a second I forget that I’ve worked with Gretchen York, done coke with Gretchen York at Warner Bros., and I get this little thrill of who is in my home using her ID to smash down coke and whose twenty dollar bill I’m about to have up my nose, and for that second my whole LA career is bittersweet and I’m beating myself up for what I did on the set of Devil and telling myself I’ll never have another job like that and berating myself with the idea that this is as close as I’ll personally ever get to celebrity, this moment of Gretchen York being in my home. That I’ll never spring back, and that bipolar disorder is going to be the thing that kills me. That Caroline has a better chance of making it on a TV show than I have of making it on another one. Then I forget about all that, and the sounds of everyone talking come back to my ears, and I’m watching Ben and Gretchen negotiate out coke lines and Sarah settle herself on the carpet in front of the coffee table and Faith sit awkwardly in a chair while Caroline sits on its arm, and I start to think that my limo party is going to be ok.

---

“Stop the car.”

“Stop!”

“Stop the car. Julian. I’ve got to let Gabby Gabby out.”

“You’re going to pee her right here?”

“What if she has to take a shit?”

“Lacy, you can’t shit that dog in those people’s yards.”

“I’m not going to shit her. Shit her? What kind of talk is that?”

“That’s taking your dog shit.”

“I get it. Those aren’t people’s yards. That’s part of this corner park.”

“Lacy. That’s people’s yards.”

“Julian? Is that people’s yards? Can I shit my dog here?”

“If you think she has to go shit.”

“See, Julian doesn’t mind.”

“Why would he?” That’s Gretchen.

She’s got Ben on her right and Faith on her left, and I can’t tell which pair is becoming faster friends tonight.

“Just stop the car.”

I get out. Bring Gabby Gabby out without her leash. Set her in the grass. She runs up to a tree and sniffs it. I don’t think she has to shit.

Talk drifts from the limousine. Sarah talking to Caroline. “And then I was squatting on an indian reservation in New Mexico. That was with Adam. We both had this sort of anti-people mindset at the time.”

“That sounds great.”

“You would like it. Go to New Mexico sometime. But be careful about indian reservations. They have different laws there. You can get yourself killed.”

I find myself wondering how useful this advice is going to be, from Sarah to Caroline, about watching your ass on an indian reservation. Caroline isn’t exactly likely to up and squat on an indian reservation. But whatever. They seem to be having fun.

Ben was getting flirty with Gretchen. It’s just his natural state, I guess. Guys, girls, he just likes flirting with famous people. And Faith and Gretchen. Is it just that Faith wants Gretchen’s coke? I’m coming down off mine. Still high but slowing down, getting to that part where you either stop using or want some more. I think tonight it’s going to be stop using. Hit the alcohol hard, let that be my thing. To tell you the truth the only thing I want is to make out with Faith. Among all this, she’s the one I feel most individually close to. If I could just have her snug in my bed, I’d hold her and touch her and make her happy. Ben could be there too, on my other side, giving me a back massage. Ben gives great massages.

Gabby Gabby is pissing on the tree. She finishes, then puts her leg down, then her head goes up. Alert. Looking for something she hears. I look around me. There’s nothing. Just the seven of us, including Julian. Eight including Gabby Gabby. I take a deep breath and return to the limo. Gabby Gabby gets in before me. Then I get in.

“See? I only had to piss her.”

“No shit?”

“Nope. No shit necessary. She’s all better.”

“Well piss yourself and get the hell back in here!” Gretchen says.

“What happened to you?”

“Started hanging out with some cool people!”

“Really? It’s not the coke?”

“It’s the coke, it’s you, it’s everything. Lacy, you throw a good party. Good people. Good Julian. Even a good fucking dog! Come here, girl!”

Gretchen grabs Gabby Gabby and it’s kind of rough.

I get in and Gretchen leans into me.

She says, “Do you wanna go see Mick?”

I look at her like she’s crazy. “No thank you,” I say.

---

We park at Mel’s. Mel’s is this diner in Hollywood. Right at the center of the tourist area and it’s always busy. The closest we could get was to park on the street right on front of it, blocking half of Highland Boulevard, so we had to get out quick.

“Can I take Gabby Gabby?”

“You can’t take a dog into a restaurant.”

“We could say she’s a service animal.”

“I really wanna take her, Ben, what should I do?”

“Take her.”

“Seriously?”

“What’s gonna happen?”

“Hide her under my sweatshirt.”

Sarah offers it up.

“I think I’m gonna do this. You guys go in first. I’ll walk behind with Gabby Gabby. We’ll get you in here one way or another, you little bitch.”

“Don’t call her a bitch.”

“She is a bitch. She’s my bitch. I want to have my bitch with me.”

“Then let’s go!”

So everyone piles out. Julian tells us he’ll be around the corner and I trade cell phone numbers with him. Gretchen leads the charge into Mel’s and I stay behind her and Sarah and Faith, with Ben and Caroline at my sides. Gabby Gabby wrapped in Sarah’s sweatshirt, in my arms. Her face sticking out. But not too much.

Gretchen manages to get us a table and they take us right back. I swing my arms around so Gabby Gabby isn’t in view of the hostess station and the arm of Sarah’s sweatshirt hits this kid in the face. We go around a ways and they have a big booth for us on the side of the restaurant.

“Let Lacy in first.”

“Get in there.”

“Dog smuggler.”

“Is Gabby Gabby going to eat, Lacy?”

“You precious little bitch,” Gretchen says. “Bringing your dog to Mel’s.”

“What was I supposed to do, leave her in the limo?”

“I’ll never tire of you, Lacy. Did you like doing a little cocaine tonight?”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad. See? Coke is not your problem.”

“Ok! Let’s stop talking about my problems and get something to eat, please?”

“Are we eating or just getting drinks.”

“Fuck that, I’m getting a steak,” Sarah says.

“So food.”

“Yeah, let’s do food,” I say. “I want breakfast.”

“Then you know what you can do? You can get breakfast. Isn’t life wonderful?”

“It is sometimes.”

“Don’t get dark.”

“I’m not I’m just saying.”

“Don’t get dark on us. Can we all agree that Lacy should keep it light tonight? You’ve got your dog. You’re gonna have your breakfast. You’ve got your friends around just don’t, get, dark.”

Sarah says, “Yes, I agree to that.”

“Alright, fuck you all. You know that? Every one of you can fuck your own sweet little self. Hello. Who are you?”

“I’m Pete. I’m going to be taking care of you tonight.”

---

“Get your hand out of his lap!”

Gretchen had her hand in Ben’s lap.

“And keep it out!”

“What are you having an attack of monogamy?”

“I just want your hand out of my husband’s lap.”

“Yes Miss Lacy.”

Then Faith and Gretchen are talking, and I can’t hear what they’re saying.

The people next to us have noticed Gabby Gabby and I’m worried they’re going to tell their server. Some luxury life, huh? I’m delivered by limousine to my favorite diner and my big concern is they’re going to take my dog away from me. Really I don’t want them to ask us to leave, when we’ve just gotten our food.

Faith and Gretchen are getting up. Gretchen lets Faith go first, then Gretchen mouths, “Be right back” to me.

“Are they going to the bathroom to do what I think they’re going to?”

“They might as well go back to the limo.”

“The limo’s all the way around the block.”

“Leave it to Lacy, to introduce those two. Gretchen York and Faith. What’s her last name?”

“Reese.”

“Faith Reese. Seriously. Did you imagine that before this night started? That, no offense but somebody like Faith.”

“What do you mean somebody like Faith?”

“Somebody who’s not like Gretchen York, is what I mean.”

“Who’s a Gretchen York? Who’s a Faith Reese? They’re just people.”

“But one of them is famous.”

“And the other give great head! Who cares. You all are all just my friends, I love each of you because you’re special.”

“We are special!”

“You’re all special. I need each one of you in your unique way and Faith Reese is not any kind of person. She’s just her.”

“I’m just saying they’re different.”

“So?”

“Let’s drop it.”

“I didn’t mean anything bad.”

“How’s your steak?”

Sarah hasn’t said anything this whole time.

She says, “Wonderful.”

Sarah sticks to business. I like that. Smart. Don’t get involved in smalltalk. Just do what you’re doing. I give her a warm look, and she sees it, between bites.

“Are you having fun?” That’s me to Caroline.

“Very much.”

“I’m glad you came.”

“You know Tiffany’s coming out next week. We should do something with her.”

“I know she is. She’s coming to our Malibu party.”

“Oh good. I didn’t know if you invited her.”

“Of course!”

“We did,” Ben says.

“How is your film coming? Is it ready?”

“It’s done. We’re putting some touches on it. But the basic cut is done.”

“Congratulations. Here.”

Caroline takes a fork and clinks Ben’s fork.

“He’s been working hard.”

“You should tell us about your movie,” Sarah says.

But I say, “Wait till Gretchen York gets back.”

---

The table next to us definitely noticed the dog. Their children kept giving us looks, just to see her, and I didn’t think they told their server but it was bad because attention kept getting brought to our table.

“Those kids are looking at us.”

“They’re looking at Gabby Gabby.”

“Everybody, hurry, finish your food.”

“We don’t have to rush.”

“You’re gonna get us kicked out.”

“Just eat your food. Can we go in a minute though?”

“You’re getting paranoid because of the coke.”

“Shhh!”

“What? You’re getting paranoid because of the coke. It’s no big deal. You can talk about it.”

“This is a family restaurant,” I almost get out, then crack up laughing.

“You’ve lost it. We told her not to be dark and now she’s Miss Crack Up.”

“Ok, but can we go soon. I’m getting tired of holding her. Hurry, the fuck, up.”

“Geez, what a party host.”

“You can party in the limousine.”

“I guess we’re done with Mel’s.”

“Well get that guy over here to pay.”

“You pay up front.”

“Then let’s go!”

We start filing out of the booth and I’m trying to call Julian while holding Gabby Gabby at the same time. Gretchen and Ben are working out the payment. Sarah just slaps down her twenty. I get Julian.

“Hello?”

“It’s Lacy. Can you pick us up?”

“I will be right there.”

Then there’s a guy standing over me and he’s looking down into the sweatshirt at little Gabby Gabby. He works here. He’s a manager.

“You can’t have dogs in here.”

“Alright.”

“You can’t have your dog in here.”

“Ok, I’m leaving.”

“Did you eat with that dog in here?”

“We’re leaving, don’t worry about it.”

“Our restaurant could get fined. That’s why we have to ask you not to do this. I need to ask you to get your dog out of here right now.”

“I said I’m leaving!”

“Is everything ok?” That’s Sarah.

“This guy is giving me a hard time about having Gabby Gabby in here and I told him we’re leaving!”

“Lacy, let’s go.”

“I’m going!”

The guy puts his hand on the sweatshirt and I swing around.

“Get off me!”

“Lacy.”

“I’m going.”

“Miss.”

“Tell this guy to get his hands off me!”

I’m screaming this in Mel’s and I wish I hadn’t because who’s right there but a couple of police officers, getting ready to pay their check. They see the guy grabbing at my sweatshirt and me flinging around to get him off me, and they start coming over.

I stop yelling.

Gabby Gabby is squirming in my arms and I have to let her down. She runs to Gretchen York and puts paws up on Gretchen York’s leg. Gretchen York leans down to get Gabby Gabby and she picks her up, but the motion of doing this knocks her purse open and down falls a tiny bag of coke, what’s left of what we had been doing. The cops see that and they’re no longer caring about Gabby Gabby.

---

“Can I see your ID, miss? Can I see your ID?”

It’s chaos. People are gathering, ’cause it’s Gretchen York. People are taking pictures with their phones. The cops are asking all of us to stay there, everyone who’s with her, so we can’t just make it back to the limousine.

“Gretchen. It’s Gretchen York!”

“Gretchen. Look this way.”

It’s like these people learned to take pictures from the paparazzi.

“Miss, I need you to come with me out this way. Can you tell me if there’s anything more in your purse we need to know about? What is this here, is this coke? Do I need to put you in handcuffs or are you gonna be nice?”

“I’ll be nice.”

“That’s nice. I trust that you will. We’re gonna need to take you in, for this. You all having a nice night? Out partying?”

“Well, I was out with my friend over there, with the dog, until we ran into you two gentlemen.”

“Can’t have dogs in restaurants in Los Angeles.”

“Sorry.”

“Are you going to arrest her too?”

“No, but you could get a fine if you were to take your dog into a restaurant in the future.”

“You don’t have to arrest her, do you? We need her, for the completion of our mission.”

“Thanks, Lacy.”

“Don’t you want to know what our mission is?”

“They don’t want to know.”

“Are you really getting arrested?”

“Looks like it.”

“Bummer. I mean. I’m really super-sorry. It seems like it’s me who should be getting arrested or doing something stupid, so I’m sorry I brought you on this limo party and then you got arrested it’s tragic.”

“Lacy, try harder to convince me.”

“What?”

“You’re drunk. You’re all drunk. Catch up with me tomorrow. This won’t take long.”

“Do you want us to pick you up?”

“We can ride next to the cops to the station.”

“We can bail you out.”

“I’m set. Just have fun, don’t get in any trouble and don’t do anything crazy, especially Lacy.”

“I hate to leave you like this.”

“I know. Bummer, Gretchen.”

“Don’t sweat it. It’s Hollywood. I had a great time.”

“Are you coming to our Malibu party?”

Gretchen smiles. “Maybe.”

And that’s it. They do cuff her, to walk her up the street to where their car is, and we’re all getting in the limousine as this tall Gretchen York is led by the arm around the corner on Hollywood Boulevard and there are a few people up there taking pictures, too.

“Well, that was a bummer.”

“True.”

“What did you think Gabby Gabby? Should they have done it?”

“Do you think she’ll be in the news?”

“Yeah. This’ll definitely be in the news.”

“Do you think we’ll be there too?”

“Unlikely. In the background, maybe.”

“That really sucks. She brought cocaine for us and totally got arrested.”

“I liked her,” Faith says.

“It’s true. She’s, not what you’d expect.”

“See the kind of person I got to work with. Well, see the person I got to work with. They weren’t all like that. Some had a one-track mind of themselves. Gretchen only thinks about herself part of the time.”

“Well what are we gonna do now?”

“Go home?”

“What a fucking bummer dude!”

“Alright everyone, get in the limo, let’s get this truck home before someone turns into a pumpkin.”

“I think someone already did.”

---

“Good night Sarah.”

“Good night. I’m sorry about your friend.”

“Me too. It was good seeing you. Maybe we can stay out later next time.”

“Next time?”

Then it was just me, and Faith, and Ben, and Ben was the one who suggested it.

“Do you want to stay over our place?”

“Um. Lacy?”

“Sure. Why not.”

“If you two are ok with it I’m ok with it.”

“Yeah. Stay over. Lace can take you back in the morning.”

“We have many plans to make, for our Malibu party. You can sit up and be part of it.”

“Lacy, the idea of you having a Malibu party scares me. I won’t have anything to do with planning it.”

“Julian, we’re just going back to my home. That’s it for tonight.”

---

“So where do you want me to sleep?”

“You can sleep wherever you want.”

“Lacy.”

“Sleep in bed with Ben and me. It’s big enough.”

“Which order are we gonna sleep in?”

“Me in the middle, of course.”

“Ok, I’ll do that. If you’re in the middle.”

“Ben’s not going to grab you or anything. Ben, are you going to grab her?”

“I’m just not used to being your houseguest. Like this. You’re comfortable because you’re in control. I’m not.”

“Don’t worry. We’re just gonna talk about the party, figure out some of what we’re doing for it, then go to sleep. Aren’t you glad we didn’t do more of Gretchen’s coke so we can fall asleep now?”

“Actually, I wish we had done a whole lot more of Gretchen’s coke. I like Gretchen’s coke.”

“I think she liked you too.”

“She did?”

“I thought she took to you.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

“No. Faith.”

“What?”

“I love you. Please don’t do anything stupid that makes you die sooner.”

“Whoah. Thanks. I won’t. What about the occasional line?”

“The occasional line is fine.”

“You’re too controlling, Lacy.”

“I’m sorry. It’s because I care.”

“I know. I know you do. All this caring is a little overwhelming sometimes. Lacy, you know? You can’t just hit me with stuff like that. I know you think it’s romantic but you’re crazy. I’m not about to do anything stupid, tonight, that’s gonna make me die sooner. Is that alright with you? Or do you want the future guaranteed? That I’ll never, ever do anything that I shouldn’t, that might reduce my lifespan by an inch. I’m sorry Lacy but you really caught me off guard with that shit.”

---

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

“Ben, you awake?”

“What? Yeah.”

“Faith, did you sleep easy?”

“Yeah, you two are really easy to sleep with.”

“Haha.”

“Good. Glad you enjoyed sleeping with us. Can I go back to bed now?”

“No.”

“No! You have to stay awake and plan.”

“Didn’t we do enough planning last night?”

“We did a good job, yes, but we need to do more. This party isn’t going to happen by itself, Ben. You need to make sure your ducks are in a row.”

“For instance.”

“For instance. The TV.”

“I already checked. The house already comes with a TV.”

“Really? What kind? Is it large?”

“They didn’t say but it’s large, yes.”

“How large?”

“I don’t know.”

“Find out. And find out about the connectors you need, just in case. You don’t want to leave anything to chance.”

“I’m sure if it’s a newer TV that it has the right connectors.”

“But be sure, you know what I’m saying? Call them and find out. You don’t want to be finding out the night of the party that you can’t play your movie. Next. Food and drinks. Do you want to do canapé?”

“What’s canapé?”

“It’s snack food. Do you think we should have it?”

“I don’t even know what it is!”

“But you’ve still got to help with decisions. This is why we’re here. Faith. What are your thoughts on canapés?”

“But Lacy.”

“Forget it. Ben. I think we need pre-made everything. Pre-made plates from the grocery store. Nothing to prepare. That way we can just pick it up at the store and be ready to go. There’s a Ralph’s down the road from where the house is, we should scope them out and see what they carry. Agreed? Faith, you with me on this?”

“Sure.”

“Ben?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Now. Final items. Drugs, jacuzzi and swimming options, and guest list.”

“Drugs?”

“It’s a serious item. Do we want to invite drug dealers to the party, to make sure it’s there if people want it?”

“You’re not joking.”

“No. Why? We want this party to be fun, drugs are a serious consideration. And if we do invite drug dealers, are we going to try to limit what they sell to certain drugs?”

“Like which ones would you limit to?”

“Like we’d say coke only, no meth.”

“Why would you say that?”

“So nobody would go crazy and jump off the balcony.”

“Very funny.”

“Do you have an opinion?”

“On drug dealers? Definitely. Invite ’em.”

“I agree.”

“You do? I thought you’d say no.”

“My friends are gonna want ’em there. Are you ok with it, though, I know you’re kind of staying away from that recently.”

“I just want to do what will make everyone happy and watching the premier of your movie. I think it sounds like drug dealers are in.”

“And what were the two other items?”

“Jacuzzi and swimming options, and guest list. Do we want to make it easy for people to swim, provide towels and such?”

“Why wouldn’t we?”

“Well for one the ocean is right there, you might not want to encourage people to swim ’cause they’ll get into the ocean and it could be dangerous at night.”

“I disagree. I say let people swim.”

“I agree.”

“Ok. I agree.”

“Ok. That moves us on to our final item of business. The guest list.”

---

The guest list wasn’t too hard to figure out. We basically wanted to invite as many people as possible. After years of talking about it and many months of actually working on it, Ben had got his shots and edited them together into his first medium-length comedy, a documentary about a documentary about the making of a documentary. I was backing him, financially as well as emotionally, though my funding of this party had put me on the edge of needing another job myself. Things were going to be tight for a while. But it was ok. We were celebrating, and celebrating a major achievement of his, something I had never done and a lot of his friends had never done either, actually put together a film from their own ideas and make it a reality. To put a cap on our party preparations, I took Ben and Faith out to dinner at our neighborhood Greek place. We let Gabby Gabby walk along since there was outdoor seating there.

“Are you ok with that pita wrap? ’Cause I saw you considering the, uh.”

“Yeah, I was thinking about the falafel.”

“The falafel is good.”

“The pita wraps are good too.”

“You guys are so lucky you have this in your neighborhood. I would kill to go to a place like this all the time.”

“We are lucky, aren’t we?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Faith, there’s a seat here.”

“Oh. You guys, thank you for this food. Thank you for buying me dinner.”

“Forget it.”

“It’s fine, Faith. I’m just glad that the three of us are here together.”

“We’ve come a long way, us three. I remember a very nervous conversation where Lacy was.”

“I was nervous.”

“Lacy was a mess!”

“Why is that so funny to you now? Ask yourself that. That was a hard moment. I didn’t think I was gonna make it. You two should shut up and eat your food.”

“Things are different now.”

“Things are different now. That’s all I’m saying. Sit back and enjoy what’s changed and where we’re going and what is possible.”

“I just wanna sit back and watch your film on Saturday. That’s what’s possible. While me and Faith were fucking around on drugs you were making a movie.”

“While you were working on How I Met The Devil, too.”

“I’m proud of you, baby. I’m hella proud. How often in your life do you get to make a movie?”

“It’s just a short.”

“It’s medium-length.”

“Well it’s nothing big.”

“Ben, you can’t talk about your stuff like that any more. From now on you’ve got to let me talk about your stuff.”

“She’s right,” Faith says, “let her talk about it.”

---

The first people to arrive were Arianne and her husband Faygen. Arianne is the secretary at Ben’s work. Faygen has nothing to do with the entertainment industry he just takes care of the kids while Arianne works.

“Hey Arianne.”

“Hey Ben. This is my husband, Faygen.”

“Faygen, hi. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Arianne, I’m Lacy.”

“Ben’s told us to much about you!”

“He speaks highly of you as well. Come on in.”

That was how the introductions went. We kept it 100% high-class, professional, getting-to-know-you rituals. Tonight was about making friends and getting eyes on Ben’s movie.

“Look who else is here!”

“Who?”

“Tiffany!”

“She is?”

“Come here come here come here girl I haven’t seen you in forever. What have you been up to?”

“It’s great and crazy to see you Lacy oh my god you look so good. I watched you on How I Met The Devil I don’t believe you got that show!”

“Tiffany! Insane! This is my friend Faith.”

“Hi Faith.”

“This is Tiffany one of my oldest friends from Ohio!”

“Well I’m not one of her oldest, but.”

“I’ve known her a long time.”

“We have, haven’t we?”

“And you finally moved!”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get everything worked out that you wanted to get worked out?”

“Before I moved? Yeah. I guess so. So. What did I miss?”

I smile. “In LA? Well. Since I’ve been here. Um.”

“Nothing,” Faith says. “Let me show you the drinks since Lace has lost her tongue.”

“Ok!”

“Ok. We’ll catch up in a minute.”

“We have all night to catch up.”

“Ok, yeah. Ben.”

“Yes, Lacy.”

“Are we gonna be ok?”

“You mean with this party or in general?”

“I mean with this party.”

“Yes. We’re gonna be fine.”

“Ok great cause look who’s here. Do you think she’s mad I didn’t invite her to the limo party?”

“Tosha. No. Anyway how would she know?”

“Caroline.”

“Just hug her and invite her in. You don’t have to explain yourself to everybody.”

“I’ll try.”

“You’re doing great.”

“So are you. Keep it up, big boy. Tosha!”

“Hey girl.”

“Hey Mike!”

“Hello Lacy. We brought this.”

“You can put it on the counter. How are things?”

“We’re fine.”

“Are you. Yeah. So everything’s good. No missing bones or anything?”

“You mean broken bones? No. And everything’s fine, Lacy, it is. We’re glad to be here.”

“Ok, Tosh. I’m glad to hear that. I know one minute I’m kissing you and the next minute I’m not inviting you to little shin digs that Caroline is invited to I just don’t want things to get awkward between us have I just made them so?”

“No, Lacy, I don’t care. I’m used to your moodiness. One minute you’re this, one minute you’re that. It’s hard to be around but I understand it’s just the way you are. I know you well enough by now, shouldn’t I? We just try to go along with your whims and stay on your good side.”

“I don’t have a good side, do I?”

“Yes, you do.”

“Well I’m sorry if I ever threatened you with not being on it. I’m doing the best I can, Tosha.”

“I’m going to find Mike.”

“Ok, do that.”

She goes inside, and I’m standing in front of this Malibu house, holding a drink, feeling like a stranger in this house we rented.

---

“The possibility is there.”

“Of course it is. It’s there for any one of us.”

“You just have to get to the right auditions.”

“It is. It’s about meeting the right people and getting to the auditions for decent shows. ’Cause you’re not going to find it on LACasting.”

“That’s why you have to get an agent.”

“But that’s why getting an agent is so hard. Once you have an agent, you can get into these shows. It’s almost like they’ve moved the difficulty from auditions and pushed it back into getting an agent. Either way, you’ve got this impossible bar to pass. That only a few people are going to pass anyway.”

“How did Lacy do it?”

“It was on LACasting.”

“No.”

“Yes, they were looking for bit players and they hired be for a different role. But it was through LACasting. There’s good listings on there if you look. I mean there can be. You just gotta use the search options.”

“You’re not trying to tell me that you found your role on How I Met The Devil through search options?”

“Yep. And I hit it off with the people on set once I got there. But to get on set. It was a posted audition. A silly audition. And they didn’t end up hiring me for that part. But yeah.”

“Lacy, you’re a badass. Search options.”

“What are you doing now?”

“Scratching my butt.”

“Any follow-up roles?”

“You’re looking at it.”

“Damn. That sucks.”

“So whatcha been working on?”

“Helping Ben with his film.”

“You two always did support each other.”

“It’s part of what you need, out here, to make it.”

“Are you happy with the film?”

“Very. I think he did a great job. It’s funny, it’s shot well. The casting is excellent.”

“Are you in it?”

“I have a cameo.”

“But nothing major?”

“We decided not to mix personal and professional in that way.”

That’s what I said. But I was wondering how many people in this circle knew that I was just too fucked up most of the time to be a regular actor in Ben’s film, that my life had turned into too much of a circus for me to be able to show up to scheduled shoots. Probably some of the people in this circle knew that, and they were simply being nice enough not to say.

---

“Faith. Come out.”

“I’m using the bathroom Lacy!”

“Then let me in.”

“You’ve perfected making yourself annoying.”

She unlocks the door.

“What are you doing in here?”

“I’m pacing. It’s one of my coping skills. Is Gretchen York going to be here?”

“She didn’t say she was going to be, no.”

“I really wish she was going to be here.”

“Why?”

“Because I like her, ok? I want somebody to hang out with at this thing who makes sense, who isn’t all up their own butt talking about the death of the LA theatre scene and all that bullcrap.”

“You can hang out with me, sweetie.”

“You’re just as bad as them.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too. This isn’t my world. I should have never let you talk me into coming to this thing. I knew I’d feel out of place.”

“Just take a minute. I’m glad you’re pacing. Coping skills are good. Maybe one of yours can be not to leave my side, if I’m not too gross to you right now, that way you’re not alone in one of these conversations, which, I admit, if you’re not wanting to have them.”

“Are crazy. Psycho. A bunch of people kissing each other’s asses. This is what you do for fun? Ben’s going to sell his movie to these people. What is the fucking point? I don’t see why he wants to show it at all. Even Caroline. At the limo party she was ok, but out here, she’s all ass-kiss-central. What happened to her? Lacy, what happened to her?”

“She’s just got turned on. This is just how she’ll get around a large number of people. It’s just a show. You know, it’s just acting.”

“That doesn’t make any sense to me, Lacy. I guess it’s because I’m not an actor. But when acting is a way to be around people, I check out. I gotta draw the line. Which is why I’m up here in this bathroom and why I’m gonna stay in this bathroom until either Gretchen York gets here or somebody gets here who is straight up enough for me to hang with. I’m sorry but it’s not you tonight.”

“Is part of it that Gretchen York might have cocaine?”

“That’s part of it, yes. That’s a big part of it. Why didn’t you get some cocaine before this shit started? And don’t answer that. I know. You’re trying to stay clean because you feel bad about Gretchen York getting arrested. I don’t think Gretchen York cares about getting arrested. Did you see how naturally she went with them? That girl’s been arrested before.”

“I think you’re right.”

“Right?”

“I think so.”

“So get your drug dealer friends over here and let’s do some coke, Lacy. I’m climbing out of my skin. You don’t have to do too much. That’s what always gives us problems. We start, then you do too much. No offense. But you don’t know when to stop. Let me decide how much you do.”

“And you’ll decide how much you do, because you’re so good at gauging yourself on this.”

“On coke I am. On meth, maybe not so much. Lacy, I’m dying here. I’m asking you to pull the strings. I know you’ve got people out there who know people who can get you coke delivered to this house tonight. Or call Mick. If I had the money I would do it but of course I don’t. Here. Take this.”

She gives me a twenty dollar bill.

“That’s all I’ve got. I know it’s not enough but just make it happen, ok? I’ve had a shit day.”

“What happened in your day?”

“What?”

“What happened in your day? I’ve been a shit friend, I didn’t ask you, I’ve been so concerned with this party I haven’t been asking what’s been going on with you as much as I should have. What happened, Faith? Did anything happen or are you just feeling like shit, like we sometimes do?”

---

“I want to get some coke.”

“Ok, so get some.”

“I don’t know who to ask. None of my friends who would have it are here and I don’t know who of your people would have it.”

“Is this for you?”

“It’s for Faith. It’s for both of us.”

“It’s hard to make it through a party without it.”

“Faith has had a hard day.”

“Why? What’s going on with Faith?”

“Stuff with her dad.”

“Sounds like I shouldn’t ask.”

“You shouldn’t. I just thought.”

“Baby, it’s fine. Get some coke. I’m not judging. I just want you to be safe, get it from someone we know and trust, do good stuff, and be somewhat in control about it, ok? Let’s find a way to make this happen that’s semi safe for all involved.”

“I don’t even know if I want to. I was going to try to get it for Faith, but I can’t take care of her, Ben. She’s too much to be taken care of, I’m out here trying to take care of myself. I’ve got Tosh acting all pissed at me ’cause I didn’t invite her to the limo party. How can I with what happened? And everybody made such a big deal about it! I shouldn’t have invited Caroline is who I shouldn’t have invited. And with that Faith’s problems are just too much for me, I can’t deal. Please, can you make it all go away right now? Can you make it all stop until 11 pm, then we play your movie and call it a night? I want to be here to support your movie but I’m fading, Ben, I’m fading out. So let’s find some coke for Faith and I’ll do some too and you can do some too, if you want, Ben. I kinda hope you do. Want me to call Mick? At least we know that Mick has good stuff.”

“No, what you do.”

“What?”

“Let me take you to my friend Pedram.”

---

“So Pedram. You met Lacy when you came in.”

“Your lovely wife.”

“Well this is Lacy. She would like to talk to you about something. Perhaps you two can step outside on the balcony to discuss it?”

“Yes, excuse me. Lacy, is this alright? If I come with you to the balcony?”

---

“Perdram. I’m having kind of an existential problem. See if happens every time I do drugs, or even smoke a cigarette, I end up thinking, this thing is giving me cancer, or raising my heart rate in a dangerous way, or whatever the thing is giving me, and why am I doing it? Because there’s a simple decision, which is, cigarettes give you cancer, so don’t smoke them, and then there’s a more complex decision, where you calculate in that cigarettes might not give you cancer and there is actually some fun to be had along these paths. And that’s where I am right now, Pedram, I’m wondering why I’m asking you if you have any coke for me and my girlfriend, and I’m wondering if we’re actually going to have any fun doing it or if we’re just going to be stuck around after with that I-wish-we-had-more feeling. Do you know? Because what’s the point? What’s the point of me asking you and what’s the point of your having come to this party and what’s the point of Ben’s film, ultimately? Why are we doing these things? Do you know, Pedram, because I certainly don’t.”

“Your name is Lacy, right?”

“Yeah, Lacy.”

“Lacy, I sold a lot of coke to a lot of people. And no one’s ever given me the speech you just gave me. Never. In my life. I tell you, if you have a problem, it’s not the coke. You can do it or not, it won’t make any difference. Your problem is that you think too much, maybe. But what can be done about that? You think the way you think. I don’t think the problem is with Ben. I think you two are good for each other. I think you should make little babies and walk them around all over the place. Nor is the problem with Ben’s film. People make films. Are you happy with your husband’s film?”

“Yes.”

“That is good. Some of the rest of us, we’re happy with it, too. Ben will make good. He will sell his film to someone who wants to remake it. It is a good idea. So you don’t need to worry about any of these things. You maybe don’t need to worry about anything at all. But I heard your speech. I know you will. You get some cocaine from me, for you to enjoy. I will sell it to you on one condition. That is you don’t go thinking about it like you did a minute ago. Cocaine is to be enjoyed. If you can’t enjoy, simply enjoy, coke, then you have no business doing it. Maybe you are too complex already.”

“I think you’re right, Pedram. I see your point and I think you’re right. I think I can do coke tonight. I think I can be simple. Maybe not forever, but. For today I can still do it.”

“So. How much do you want to buy?”

---

I locked Faith and I in one of the upstairs bedrooms.

“This is from Pedram.”

“So you’ve never had this before?”

“No. Pedram’s the one with the red band around his suit.”

“Why are you telling me who Pedram is?”

“I don’t know. I’m off, Faith. I’m off. I’m very very off. Promise me we don’t have to go out there for a minute, I can’t take it. And promise me that we will go out there after a minute, because I couldn’t take staying in here all night.”

“You’re acting weird, Lacy.”

“I’m feeling weird. This is a very weird night! I’ve got people I don’t know all over the place and Ben is the master of the show. It throws me off, stuff like this. I swear I used to be more social. Do you want to open this coke up and see if it’s any good because I don’t know if I can.”

“You want me to open it?”

“Yeah, take it. I don’t know if I even want to do any.”

“Lacy.”

“What?”

“You’re doing some.”

“What if it’s shit?”

“It’s Malibu, it’s your film friends, it’s not gonna be shit.”

“We gotta get out of here. It’s like I can’t breathe. It’s like I moved to a land with NO AIR!”

I’m opening the balcony doors, and now there’s a breeze from the ocean. Sunset. Just the last of the light.

“When I moved to LA, I expected a place to live. I have that. I expected I’d find work. I’ve discovered how difficult it is to find that. And once you’ve had it? Poof. I saw Ben and I living happily and making a home together.”

“Don’t you have that?”

“No. He and I have become. This. He’s looking up on me to see if I’m manic or on my medicine, I’m around to help promote his film, we’re just for show. And I know it’s gotten better than I expected, like with you, we’ve found something that’s special, I know it is, but sometimes I wonder if I’ve ruined it all with my weirdness or my craziness. Am I yelling too much? Did I ruin it all with my drug obsession?”

“Your drug obsession? It’s mine that’s a problem.”

“But what about that time, when I was first on meth, and you were there at the movie theater and hadn’t done it in a long time, and I made you do it.”

“You didn’t make me do it.”

“But you know what I mean. I was there holding it, you just happened to show up into my situation, then we’re both off and going.”

“I liked doing meth with you.”

“See? That’s just the problem. I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone says ‘I liked doing meth with you’. I’m sorry. And I’m not saying I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I’m just saying what are we doing?”

“Well we’re not doing meth.”

“Good point.”

“Meth is different than coke. We’re just doing a little coke at your Malibu party. What would your Malibu party be without a little coke? We won’t get any more. We’ll do just this amount and then we’ll stop. We’ll do this slowly. Keep it up here, hidden in my bag. Then we’ll sneak up here when we need it and do some lines. Let’s try it. It’s making me have to shit just thinking about it.”

“It’s not making me have to shit.”

“That’s cause you’re not excited.”

“Want to get me excited?”

“I could do that?”

“How long do we have?”

“We have all night! We can do whatever we want! Ben’s showing isn’t till when?”

“Eleven.”

“Eleven. We’ll be out of here by 11. What else matters? You watch Ben’s movie. You meet some people. I want to go in the jacuzzi after this. We can go together.”

“I’m disturbed, Faith.”

“You need to fucking relax. Let me get you off and then we’ll snort some blow.”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Yeah, I’m taking suggestions.”

“Good. Lie down.”

“Maybe we should do a little blow first.”

I bend down and unwrap the bag I got from Pedram.

---

“I’m not ready to leave yet.”

“We don’t have to leave. But we have to leave in a minute because we’re going to the jacuzzi.”

“Deal. I will go with you to the jacuzzi. But for now I’m sticking my cocaine-high ass on this bed and doing shit for nobody because that’s how it is. Try to make me do anything. Try to.”

Faith is trying on her swimsuit in front of a closet mirror.

“How do I look?”

“You look hawt.”

“Do you guarantee that?”

“I guarantee it.”

“Too bad Gretchen York isn’t going to be at this thing.”

“You like her, don’t you.”

“Of course I do. In an all-around way. She’s s nice person. Very real. Better than your other friends.”

“I don’t understand how like the most high-class TV star friend of mine is the one you think is the most real.”

“She is though. She’s not pretending. Like your Caroline and Tosha, I don’t trust them. Gretchen is straight-up. She speaks my language. Gretchen and I can talk.”

“Weird.”

“Do another line of this coke with me.”

“Ok.”

“It’s good, right?”

“It’s not as right-up-front as Mick’s, I kind of like it better, it’s more stately, more staid.”

“More what?”

“More staid? It means.”

“Forget it. I can’t do your big words, Lacy, especially to describe coke. This isn’t a science fair project. Or an English class. Are you gonna get your swimsuit on after this?”

“I promise.”

“You don’t have to promise you just have to do it.”

So we did our lines of coke and I stripped off my panties and got dressed, right there in front of Faith and our full-length mirror.

---

The party was on, downstairs. There was a kitchen, a main room, and a balcony. All were full. Then, downstairs from there, was the back porch and jacuzzi.

Faith and I walked by in our bikinis and found Ben in the main room, talking away with a woman in a rose-colored dress. I stepped to him, kissed him, and left. Faith followed.

We went downstairs and crossed to the jacuzzi. It was almost full. Men and women, in the bubbles. Caroline and Tosh and Tiffany were all in it.

“Hey girls!”

“Hey! Why don’t you join us?”

“We will, we will.”

I hold Faith’s hand while she gets up in the jacuzzi. I want her to be comfortable around all these people. Then I get in, and take my place at one of the sides.

“Y’all some sexy girls.”

“Y’all some sexy girls, too. What ch’all got going on out here?”

“Nothin’. Just steamin’ it up. What ch’all been up to, hidin’ away?”

“Nothin’. We wasn’t hidin’. Just changing into our swimsuits.”

“I saw y’all go upstairs,” Caroline says.

And I want to punch her face. What business of hers is it that we went upstairs together. So we went upstairs together. I rented this house, motherfuckers! I can do whatever I want to in it. Do coke, get licked off by my friend, whatever.

“So, Tiffany,” I say, “what is your plan now that you’re out here? Work a day job? Do auditions? Do you know what you’re going to do?”

“I have to work a day job. So I’m looking for somewhere to waitress. If any of you know places let me know. But, yeah, I want to do film. So I’m going to audition for student films, do as many of those as possible and hope it leads to something bigger. I think I can get in with some of the film schools and do their projects, shouldn’t be hard to get parts in some student films, right?”

Was this what I was like when I came to LA? In some ways, yes. Thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to get parts in student films, when it’s near impossible. Even an audition for a crappy student film has hundreds if not thousands of applicants. The competition for a non-speaking role is unbelievable.

“Do you think I’m crazy?”

She must have seen the look on my face.

“No, you’re not crazy. It is possible.”

I did it. But I’m me. It struck me in that minute how skilled, how powerful, how with-it and how superior I could be. I didn’t always give myself the chance, but if I did, it was clear that as much as I hated myself, I had a lot more going for me than almost anyone else I knew.

---

“I don’t want to party anymore.”

“You don’t?”

“Faith I’m talking about an all-life change. I’m talking about I’m tired of not wanting anything. Tired of being ok with whatever comes my way. For so long I’ve just been dead. I don’t know if you can come along with me on this but I think Ben will. I don’t want to seem to accomplishment-oriented. But I have to start caring again. Get into a little more of a goal-having lifestyle. Does that offend you? I think mental health stuff has to be a part of it. Getting that under control. Because I don’t want to be defined by being the actress who has bipolar disorder and who therefore goes mental on set. I can’t live being just that. I have to take my medicine, simple, go back to the doctor, get my exercise situation in order, get back in counselling. That stuff has to be part of my regular diet. Does this make any sense to you?”

“I think the coke is making me trip.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. Why are we doing coke that makes us trip?”

“Or, it’s just making the room fluctuate a little. The lights look funny.”

“Don’t you want something, Faith? Don’t you want to be rich, something? Or have something you’d like to do?”

“I want to have my radio show.”

“That’s right, you did want to do that.”

“That’s something I really want.”

“We have to make that happen. We have to set goals. We have to make sure we really get from point a to point b. Like after this weekend, we have to put your radio station on the internet, you can do your first show, get some comments, hear what people think, wouldn’t you want that?”

“Sure. But Lacy.”

“Then we can get you more listeners by promotion.”

“But Lacy. Don’t make it a big deal or anything. Like don’t make me your project, remember? I’m much better when I do things on my own.”

“But on your own are you actually going to do this?”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t want it to be a maybe. I want it to be a definitely. So we can be there together. Having both accomplished our goals. Don’t you want something like that?”

“I want it, but I don’t want it like you do. I’m not like you, Lacy, you can’t expect me to be. Why don’t you pursue your goals and let me pursue mine and we can just be friends because we like each other? I’m not an accomplisher. Sure, I’d like help with my radio show. I would like that. I would. But just let it be a thing I do. It doesn’t have to be a success. Otherwise it won’t be any fun for me! And I know you want that, and I want it for you, to be big, to be famous. I think you will be. I want to stand behind you.”

“Beside me.”

“Beside you, ok. If we can ever make it to that point without you breaking up with me, then ok, I will stand beside you. Can we do more coke, Lacy?”

“You want to do more coke?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. Do you think Ben will mind if his wife posts up in this room the entire party?”

---

“You know what?”

“What?”

“I think coke helps me with bipolar disorder.”

“Of course it does, that’s why they call it self-medicating.”

“But not like that. I mean I think the rhythm of it affects my kind of manic tendencies in a way that sort of smoothes me out.”

“That’s self-medicating.”

“Well I think it works, then. I mean it really works.”

“They never said that self-medicating doesn’t really work.”

“I couldn’t stand not being manic.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Why, are you not manic?”

“I’m so depressed, Lacy.”

“I’m sorry baby!”

“It’s ok. This coke is helping. It helps to be around you.”

“Sweet. This coke is helping me too. I think in the opposite way.”

“Yeah, you don’t seem depressed.”

“I’m not. I’ve got ideas, I feel full, I’m able to socialize even though I don’t feel like I have to, I’d rather just socialize with you.”

“Yeah, you’re manic Lacy. I like manic Lacy.”

“I think Ben does, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s always liked these weird things about me. I’m starting to wonder if it’s when I’m manic, if that’s what he really likes.”

“It’s supposed to make you more personable, friendlier to other people.”

“Sometimes I don’t need to be any friendlier.”

“No you don’t.”

“Isn’t that a funny weakness? Being too friendly?”

“You can be friendly for the both of us. I don’t feel like people tonight.”

“Oh Faith. I’m so high I might have to annoy you. Like I want to dance! I want to fly around and make little faces that disappear and come back. You won’t kill me for laughing will you? ’Cause I need to laugh. Even though you’re sad. I’m not laughing at you, I’m not laughing with you either. I’m just laughing! And feeling this coke drip down my throat. Oagh. It’s not the most elegant taste, is it?”

“You sound disgusting Lacy.”

“I feel disgusting. Whoever invented this stuff wasn’t thinking.”

“Well, they were thinking.”

“They just weren’t thinking of everything. Your product is defective, sir. Your product. Don’t mind me if I sniffle. I’m your girlfriend, you shouldn’t care about my sniffles.”

“Sniffles are one thing. Cracked-out coke snorts is something else.”

“Was I cracked-out coke-snorting?”

“Yeah.”

“Well deal with it, bitch! I want to go downstairs. I know you don’t want to go but I want to go downstairs just for a minute. There must be things happening. People talking. Plus, I’m supposed to be supporting Ben.”

“You already support him.”

“But I’m supposed to be the token wife supporting him.”

“Lacy, you have too much on your social calendar.”

“You think so?”

“I think you’re going to have a breakdown before the night is through.”

“Think I should slow down?”

“Yes. Stick to one thing and keep your mania in check.”

“Suppose we should stop doing coke, too.”

“Not going to happen.”

“Let’s do another line.”

“Let’s definitely do another line.”

---

“Ben, how have you been?”

“Good, this is my friend Apea.”

“Hi Apea, I’m Lacy, this is Faith.”

“Hello Lacy, hello Faith.”

“Apea works at Sony. He’s here checking out the film tonight.”

“Aren’t we all. That’s great.”

“I know you from your work on How I Met The Devil.”

“Yes, well, I spent many hard days and nights at work on that show over at Warner Bros.”

“I didn’t realize it was a Warner Bros. show.”

“It’s not, but we shot on their stages.”

“There’s a relationship there, I’m sure.”

“I’m sure. Apea, are you happy with what you’re drinking?”

“Very. I see you’ve been in the hot tub? Or are planning to go?”

“Was in, might be planning to go again. What about you, Apea, did you bring your bathing suit?”

“No.”

“Well that doesn’t need to be a problem? Many of our guests have decided to go naked. Ben promised me he’d strip down after the showing of his film.”

“No, I did not.”

“Well he broke his promise. You’re a bastard, Ben. Me and Apea are going skinny dipping as soon as we show your film. Faith is coming with us. So what do you do with Sony?”

“Some acquisitions.”

“You wouldn’t be interested in our little film for your acquisitions?”

“We might be. I’ve heard from people who work with Ben that it’s a hot little concept.”

“Oh his concept is hot alright. I should know, I’m his wife. Ben, are you lending out your concept to people at work again? Hot concept, let me tell you. Well that’s great Apea, we’re glad you came to our little shin-dig. I hope you enjoy the jacuzzi whether you get in it or not, for costumes like these. And find me if you need another drink. Nice friend Ben.”

Faith follows me away from them.

“You get a little corny when you’re hustling.”

“Hustling? I was just making friends.”

“That kind of friend is a hustle.”

“Your swimsuit is a hustle.”

“Hey! I like this hustle. I’mma hustle myself a new girlfriend at this bitch.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” says Faith.

But it’s me that I’m worried about, because right then I see a guy across the room who makes my heart stop. He’s in his swimsuit, white trunks, and he has a girl on his arm who is more beautiful than Gretchen York, but the same style. Perfect chiseled face, perfect body. She’s in a white one-piece. Must have missed them while Faith and I were upstairs. But he’s talking. And has people around him. Obviously somebody worth talking to.

Faith feels me looking, feels that I’ve stopped moving.

“What’s that?”

“That’s what we missed when we got out of the jacuzzi.”

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“We’re not talking to him.”

“We can talk to both of them.”

“She’s not my type.”

“Come on, Faith. If you don’t want to come here then will you wait for me upstairs and do coke. I don’t care. But I am talking to these people.”

“Talk to them. I’ll come with you. Your Hollywood party doesn’t scare me.”

“Malibu party. But I’m glad it doesn’t scare you.”

---

I walk straight up to the guy and girl in white.

“Welcome to my party.”

“Oh are you Ben’s?”

“Wife.”

“I’m Cielo. This is Ashley.”

“Faith. I’m Lacy. We were noticing your swim suits and wondering if we just barely missed you in the jacuzzi.”

“We have just escaped. There was a group of girls talking about their acting school adventures and we couldn’t take it anymore.”

“I think we know those girls. I can see how that must have been difficult for you, listening to their stories like that. I’m glad you escaped and hopefully both of you are unharmed.”

“We are unharmed. And what can we say of you, Lacy and Faith, did you meet us here by chance, on this level of our destruction?”

“No, we were paired up. We were as destructive as you, and so they brought us together to fuck up a party. I hope you’re ready!”

“We are,” answered Ashley, and for a moment I saw all the formalness of Ashley and friend as pure form, racing us to the middle.

“What do you do?”

“This question had to come.”

“But what do you do?”

“She is an actress. I direct.”

“And what do you direct?”

“A TV show.”

“What show?”

“The Atrium. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”

“Oh. Cielo Large?”

“That’s me.”

“I’ve heard of your show!” Cielo Large! This was a job opportunity of major proportions. “Are you looking for anyone right now?” Why waste time? Cielo Large. “How did you end up at my party?”

“I heard there was a film to vett.”

“There is. My husband’s.”

“When will we watch it?”

“In an hour. It is queued up, ready.”

“Good. I have a good feeling about this film.”

“You do?”

“With bitches like you poised to promote it, why not? How many bitches like you are sitting here ready to promote his film?”

“Sadly, just me.”

“Just us.”

“Just the two of us. Bitches. But we’re hard core. We mean business. When we promote a film we take it to the streets, so to speak.”

“I know you, you know.”

“How do you know me?”

“From How I Met The Devil. I saw you there.”

“On set? On screen?”

“On screen. So don’t play lowly film-promotion bitch to me.”

“But I am here tonight, in my capacity as a film-promotion bitch.”

“Bullshit.”

“Cielo.”

“If I was looking for actors.”

“Are you?”

“I might be. I might be looking for a new female lead friend of one of the existing female leads. This would be an a-level role on a b TV show but we pack punch and we pack punch all the time. Would that be something you’d be interested in discussing?”

---

“Is he kidding when he says it packs punch? Because I thought he was kidding when he said that.”

“He’s kidding.”

“Ok. Because that sounded kind of stupid.”

“It’s just industry talk.”

“Are you gonna start talking like that?”

“No.”

We both giggle.

“But seriously, this might be a job for me. So don’t make fun of him to his face.”

---

“Sarah!”

“Hey Lacy.”

“I’m glad you came!”

“Hey Faith.”

“Are you still not drinking?”

“Yep.”

“Let’s take her upstairs.”

“Yeah, you need to come upstairs with us.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

---

So we took her upstairs and laid out some of Pedram’s coke. Sarah looked at it and shook her head.

“You’re about to be a bad, bad girl.”

“Only because of you.”

“Lacy, you are a horrible influence.”

“You know you want to.”

“I only do coke with you, Lacy.”

“Better hurry up or I’m’onna bump you.”

“Bump me?”

“Bump you right out of position.”

“Ok.”

So Sarah does her line and me and Faith and her are talking.

“How do you stand what is going on downstairs right now?”

“I can barely.”

“You must be adjusted to it because I don’t know if I’ll be able to leave this room.”

“Did you bring your swimsuit?”

“No, I did not bring my swimsuit.”

“She can go naked.”

“You can go naked. If you want.”

“If you go naked, I’ll go naked, Lacy.”

“Don’t encourage her.”

“Does Ben mind if you go naked in front of a bunch of men?”

“Ben lets me do whatever the fuck I want. Ben doesn’t give a fuck.”

“I don’t know if that’s, wonderful, or horrible.”

“Yeah, it’s both.”

“He doesn’t care if you’re up here doing coke?”

“He does it with us. Sometimes.”

“Can I do another line?”

“Of course!”

Sarah sniffs.

“You should get out of LA. I mean like leave LA. I think it’d be good for you.”

“Where would I go?”

“Anywhere. New Mexico.”

“But I’m too used to being here. It’s starting to fit me.”

“That’s what I’m saying, Lacy. It’s starting to fit you too much. Is Gretchen York going to be here?”

“I texted her. She’s not responding to my texts. So. Probably not.”

“Is she mad at you?”

“No, she probably doesn’t want to be around my friends though since the last time she was she got arrested.”

“Did she have to go to jail?”

“For like two hours.”

“Did someone get her out?”

“No. They just let her go. She didn’t have enough on her to hold her.”

“So you guys are like, still friends.”

“Yeah, we’ve talked. Hey guess what!”

“What.”

“I might have a new job. I just met, uh, Cielo Large, he’s a director, of this TV show, called The Atrium, and, uh, I might work for him.”

“He needs actors?”

“Yes.”

“Good for you, Lacy, I hope you get back into it.”

“I’ve got to. That’s why I came here.”

“Is it a big TV show?”

“You’ve never heard of The Atrium?”

“I told you, I don’t watch TV.”

“It’s a big show.” That was Faith.

“It’s big.”

---

Then we went down and stood by the ocean. Faith and me were still in swimsuits and Sarah was with us. It was dark but you could see the waves off the house light, and they were crashing.

“This is nice. This is really nice.”

“Thank you.”

“As long as you avoid the people in there.”

“They’re not so bad. You’d like some of them.”

“Introduce me to the good ones.”

“Ok. You might like Pedram.”

“Who’s Pedram?”

“He’s the guy we got that coke off of. He’s more like a philosopher.”

“I like philosophers.”

“See? You’d like this guy. He told me coke’s not my problem.”

“Coke isn’t your problem.”

“Why are we always talking about my problems?”

“Your problem is. We’re always talking about your problems because you have so many of them. Your problem is, you overthink things.”

“I think that’s what Pedram told me, too. I don’t remember what he said.”

“You should pay attention when philosophers speak.”

“I can’t remember because I’m excited off the coke. I’m like a glitter box right now. Do you know what I mean?”

“You’re like a glitter box?”

“My thoughts. They’re shiny and little and sprouting all over the place.”

“Give me your hand, Lacy.”

Faith took my hand. She rubbed it with hers. My thoughts stayed like glitter.

“I love the ocean.”

“I love it too.”

“I don’t come here enough,” Sarah says.

“Neither do we.”

“I mean this is a major reason for living here.”

“Right.”

“We should come here more often. How much did this house cost to rent?”

“Don’t ask.”

“You still have money from How I Met the Devil?”

“Running out.”

I wipe my nose.

Sarah sits down on a rock, takes off her shoes, and sticks her feet in the water.

“We could go in the jacuzzi if you want.”

“I don’t know.”

“You want to swim here? I want you to have fun, Sarah.”

“I am having fun. Don’t you want to get back to your guests?”

“In a minute.”

“I’ll probably sit right here. I don’t know if I can go in that house. Find me later and do some more coke with me, ok?”

“Do you want us to leave you?”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay.”

“You’re comfortable here?”

“Yes.”

“And you’ll find us when you want to do more coke?”

“Yes. Go enjoy your guests!”

“Lacy.”

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I stay here? Sarah do you mind if I sit with you?”

“Great. Please do.”

“Go ahead Faith.”

“Ok. I think it might be good for me to sit here for a while.”

---

I made my way back to the house. The downstairs was full, people in the jacuzzi, filling up the deck chairs, people sitting on the stairs with drinks in their hands.

Cielo Large was in the jacuzzi. Ashley was not with him.

I sat on the edge right next to him.

“Where have you been?”

“By the ocean.”

“This is a nice house. Did you just rent it for the weekend?”

“We just rented it for the night!”

“Are you from LA?”

“I’m from Ohio.”

“How long you been out here?”

“A year? Where are you from?”

“Bay area.”

“Do you really have something for me on your show?”

“I really do. I’ve seen you, Lacy. Forget about Devil.”

“You heard what happened?”

Cielo is quiet.

“I’m a crazy bitch. I’ll do crazy things on your set. I’ll fuck around with people I work with I’ll be drinking vodka Red Bulls on set snorting coke in the bathrooms, who knows what I’ll do. I’ll be in the hospital, won’t be able to make call times, you’ll have to call my husband to pick me up and come take care of me I’m a crazy bitch, Cielo. Crazy. You sure you want to work with that?”

Cielo sat for a second.

“I don’t really care,” he says. “I’m crazy too. I wouldn’t have fired you for what you did on Devil. It doesn’t make any sense. You’re a great actor. You do the job. Who cares if you do crazy stuff on set? I do crazy stuff on set. We get the job done, it’s better because we’re having fun. You take care of yourself as best as possible and don’t run yourself down, then you’re around a long time to make more shows.”

“You think I’m a great actor?”

“Did I say that? I’m kidding, Lacy. Of course you are. I’ve seen you.”

“Simple as that.”

“Simple as that.”

“Do you want me to come in and audition for you?”

“No, I have your part.”

“You have my part.”

“Yes. I have your part. You just need to decide whether you want to do it or not.”

“Can I let you know tonight?”

“You can let me know right now if you want.”

“I want to let you know later tonight.”

“Ok.”

“Cielo.”

“Mmm?”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Lacy. I’m not doing you any favors. We want you for this show. The people want you. How I Met the Devil can be just the beginning for you.”

---

“Ben.”

“Lacy darling.”

“Oooh, Lacy darling. I like that.”

“Where’s Faith?”

“She’s out by the ocean. With Sarah.”

“Are you having a good time?”

“Yes. Listen.”

“Is Pedram’s stuff good?”

“Yes, thank you. So. You’re not gonna believe this, baby, but I found a job.”

“You did?”

“Yes. Cielo Large is here. Do you know him?”

“Sounds familiar.”

“He directs The Atrium.”

“Ok.”

“Cielo Large offered me a job.”

“Lacy! That’s great!”

“I feel nervous.”

“Why?”

“I feel nervous about taking it. I feel nervous right here.”

I put his hand on my stomach.

“Are you sure it’s not just the coke?”

“I feel nervous because I’m not sure I can do it!”

“You can, baby, you can.”

“What if I mess up, like last time?”

“What if you do?”

“Well?”

“Well? If you mess up you mess up. You learn from your mistakes. Lacy, if you want to know what I think, I think you’ll be fine. Can I meet, Cielo?”

“Maybe later. He’s downstairs. He’s wearing all white and he’s here with this girl Ashley.”

“I think I met Ashley.”

I wag my finger at Ben.

“Don’t touch.”

“Is she off-limits?”

“To you she is.”

“What about you, are you being good tonight?”

“Yes, just my usual affair with Faith.”

“Do you know why I gave you Faith?”

“You gave me Faith?”

“Because I wanted you to be happy. I want you to have the things that you want, even a lover.”

“Ben, what should I do about this job?”

“Take it.”

“What about what you said about acting maybe being too much for me? That I should just stay at home?”

“Lacy, do whatever you want!”

“Don’t you have an opinion?”

“I want you to be happy.”

“That doesn’t help me.”

“I’m gonna go work with these guys, to get the audio right for our showing.”

“You should have done that before.”

“It’ll just take a second.”

“So I’m thinking about taking this job.”

“Great.”

“I’m thinking I’ll take it.”

“Good, Lacy.”

“I’m thinking of overdosing on pills tonight.”

“Are you trying to get my attention?”

“Do I have it?”

“Yes, you do.”

“I’m sorry I said that. I just want to know that you’re listening when I speak. Get ready for your show. Go. Go.”

“Are you gonna be ok?”

“Yes.”

---

Upstairs, with the door unlocked, I laid on the bed and undid the bra part of my bikini. I touched myself. I thought of Cielo Large. I thought of Faith and Sarah sitting by the ocean. I thought of the chance that I might have a job again and I could feel it in my whole body. The excitement. I was going to do this. Coke was lying beside me on the bed. I thought about doing a line, then decided not to. I would do one in a minute. Cielo was hot. I thought about calling my dad. I hadn’t spoken to him in a long, long time. I was playing with my breasts and making my nipples hard. Then I undid the bottom part of my bikini, untied one side of it and laid it on the bed next to me. In 10 minutes I was cumming, clutching the bed, thinking about Cielo Large while I did it, and it was one of those orgasms you remember for days.

---

“Where have you been?”

“Upstairs.”

“Doing coke without me?”

“I did a little.”

“Let’s go in the jacuzzi.”

“Where’s Sarah?”

“By the ocean. I left her to her thinking.”

“Did you do some thinking?”

“We mostly sat there without talking, so yes.”

“Did you think about me?”

“Lacy, yes, I did. I think I need more commitment. I know I shouldn’t ask but I am. What are you doing with Ben? Can you give me that kind of attention? Can you? Lacy?”

“If you want to go in the jacuzzi then just go.”

“Don’t be like that.”

“What do you want? I break up with Ben? Faith, you’re crazy. Is that what you want me to tell you? That you’re crazy? I’m not breaking up with Ben just because you want more attention. I’m hanging out with you all night! What more do you want?”

“Well.”

“Do you see me hanging out with Ben? No. I’m with you.”

“Do you want to let me finish?”

“Finish, Faith. Go ahead and finish.”

“Well. For one I want to be the one you come to with your real problems.”

“I do come to you with my real problems! I do! I don’t believe you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry ok! I’m just telling you what I want.”

“I know that. I’m glad you’re telling me. I just don’t know what I can do in this situation to make you happy. Ben is a part of me. So are you. You can’t ask me to leave Ben!”

“I’m not asking you to leave him.”

“Ok, then switch places with him. I’m out of money Faith. Ben is the reason I have a house to live in, right now. Are you gonna pay for my place to live? Are you? I mean this is a consideration Faith. Are you ok?”

“No. Why did you have to make it about money?”

“Because that’s part of the equation Faith. Until I get another job Ben is the one with the money again, I’m dependent on him to get through, ok?”

“That’s no reason to be with someone.”

“It’s not the only reason I’m with him. I love him, Faith!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I asked.”

“What do you expect me to do?”

“Love me.”

“I do love you.”

“Do you?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I’m not sure.”

“Well be sure. Be sure Faith. I love you more than myself. When have I ever not loved you? Let’s go in the jacuzzi.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t feel like going anymore.”

“Faith I feel like you’re giving me a hard time over something you shouldn’t.”

“Let’s just go in the jacuzzi if you want.”

“Do you want to?”

“It’s whatever.”

“Flirt with people if you want to.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Ok, Faith, don’t flirt with people. I don’t care.”

“Why would you assume I want to flirt with people?”

“It’s just a suggestion.”

“I don’t want to flirt with people. I want to be with you.”

“Well you are with me so stop complaining. Do you want to go in the jacuzzi?”

“Are you going?”

“I’m going.”

“Then yes.”

---

Faith held my hand all the way to the jacuzzi. We get in. Caroline and her boyfriend are there.

“Caroline, who’s your boyfriend?”

“This is Laz.”

“Caroline says you’re a director?”

“Yes, we’re doing a comic adaptation of Hamlet at the Globe theatre in Hollywood.”

“And who do you play?”

“She’s my Ophelia.”

Caroline smiles.

“You two look happy together.”

Caroline nods.

“We are.”

Caroline puts her hand on Laz’s knee. She runs it down his leg.

“This is Faith.”

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“I told Laz about your bipolar disorder. He has.”

“Major depression.”

“Oh great.”

“I hope you don’t mind that I told him.”

“No, I don’t. What’s it like dating someone with major depression?”

“Are we dating?”

“Are we? It’s. Great. I mean it doesn’t get in the way or anything.”

“I take meds for it.”

“What do you take?”

“Lexapro.”

“Never tried it.”

“It helps.”

“Laz’s had a suicide attempt.”

“Yeah?”

“When I was fourteen. I’ve gotten better since then.”

“Yeah, I’ve struggled with that. I feel like such an adult, discussing this.”

“You are an adult, Lacy.”

“But I actually feel like one. Weird. Well, thanks for telling me, Laz, I hope everything goes ok for you.”

“It’s going fine right now.”

“Take care of my Caroline.”

“He does.”

“Lick her pussy real good.”

“He does!”

“Ok. You better lick her pussy.”

“I will. So what’s it been like working as an actor with bipolar disorder?”

“Hell.”

“Lacy.”

“I’m sorry but it has.”

“You’ve had good moments.”

“Good moments, yeah! I’m supposed to live for spread out good moments that are sprinkled with moments from hell?”

“I hear it can be tough with bipolar.”

“I guess it is. I just got a job.”

“You did? You did you did you did?”

“Yes, with Cielo Large. I’m going to be on the Atrium.”

“Congratulations!”

“Congratulations, Lacy. Oh my gosh I don’t believe your luck. Or. Not luck, but.”

“It’s partially luck.”

“I don’t think so. You’re really good, Lacy.”

“I’ve seen you. You are really good.”

“What do you think?”

“I think you’re good too.”

“Well, maybe it’s true.”

“Don’t get a big head on us now.”

“Don’t start talking about yourself in the third person like Nicole.”

“Who’s Nicole?”

“I’ll explain in a minute.”

“Caroline, can I talk to you?”

“In private?”

“Who’s Nicole?”

“It’s this girl we used to know. She got famous and started talking about herself in the third person.”

“She’s crazy.”

“She’s crazy.”

“So can we talk in private?”

Laz and Faith are shifting uncomfortably.

“For a minute.”

“Ok, Faith, you gonna be ok?”

“You ok here for a minute honey?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, Faith and I can hold up a conversation, I’m sure. Do you have any mental illnesses?”

“I’m bipolar too. Not bipolar II but bipolar, also. That’s how Lacy and I met.”

“Ok, so, can we talk?”

“Yeah.”

---

“I want you to help me with something.”

“What’s so secret about it?”

“It involves Cielo Large.”

“Yes?”

“I want you to help me fuck him.”

“Excuse me?”

“I want you, to help, me, fuck him.”

“And how exactly am I going to help you?”

“I want you to fuck him with me.”

“What?!”

“Fuck him with me, please.”

“Why?”

“Because then it’ll be less intimate.”

“You want me to porno-fuck Cielo Large with you.”

“Have you seen him? You know who he is?”

“Is he the one walking around in all white?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve seen him. And yes, he is hot. But no, I’m not going to porno-fuck Cielo Large with you. I’m here with my boyfriend!”

“What’s Laz short for anyway?”

“It’s.”

“Look. It’s not porno-fucking. It’s just a quick thing we’re going to do at a Malibu party, to help me cement my job with the Atrium.”

“That’s why you want to do this?”

“Yes. I want to make damn sure, that Cielo Large remembers me tomorrow.”

“You’re crazy Lacy.”

“Don’t you want to fuck him? You said he was hot.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m going to drop trou and fuck him at a moment’s notice!”

“What’s the big deal? Just sample his cock. That’s all I’m asking you to do, is sample his cock.”

“What if he doesn’t want to?”

“Look at us. How’s he going to say no?”

“Are we done discussing this?”

“Caroline, I’m asking you as a friend. Just this once. Just bounce on his cock a couple of times and then I’ll bounce on his cock a couple of times and then that’s it.”

“Do you have a condom?”

“Cielo Large doesn’t have AIDS.”

“What if his cum splashes around?”

“We’ll make him cum with our hands. We’ll give him a blowjob. Just fucking for a minute. I want this to be like, a demonstration.”

“A demonstration that if someone hires you you’ll produce pussy from out of nowhere and give it to him.”

“A demonstration that he is making the right choice. So he’ll remember this decision for a long time.”

“I don’t know what you think I’m going to do.”

“We’ll sneak him upstairs. Lock the door. We’ll get him hard and each fuck him a couple of times and then we’ll get him off and then we’ll come back to the party.”

“Each fuck him a couple of times?”

“A couple of pumps.”

“A couple of pumps?”

“That’s all I’m asking, just a couple of pumps.”

“Two pumps.”

“Just fuck him two pumps and then I’ll fuck him a few pumps and then that’s it.”

“I don’t believe I’m considering this!”

“Just do it for your friend.”

“This is porno-fucking to the very end.”

“It’s not porno-fucking. It’s more like a party favor.”

“If Laz finds out about this I’ll fucking kill you.”

“We’ll agree to a pact of total secrecy.”

“What if Cielo tells people? Two sluts porno-fucked me at a party. What if he denies you the job after we do this?”

“Why would he do that?”

“Maybe he thinks you’re crazy.”

“He’s crazy. He said so himself. Let’s find out.”

“I don’t believe I’m considering this. Do you have coke?”

“Yes!”

“Well stop holding out on a motherfucker! Get it out and get me high and make me do this crazy thing you have planned.”

---

“How have you two been holding up?”

“We’re talking about gambling. Are you two done with your secret meeting?”

“How did you get on gambling? I thought you were on mental illness.”

“We were on mental illness for about two seconds. Now we’re talking about gambling. Seriously, what were you two talking about that had to be secret?”

“Just old friend stuff. Stuff from back in Ohio. It’s not a secret.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t believe you either.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“No.”

Caroline and Laz’s faces are about to touch.

“Sorry I left ya, baby.”

“Lacy, I’m used to it.”

“Caroline and I might go to the store in a little bit.”

“You’re leaving me here again?”

“It’ll just be for a few minutes.”

“What are you getting?”

“More booze.”

“There’s plenty of booze here Lacy.”

Faith shakes her head.

“Find Sarah. Hang out with her.”

“Can I come to the store with you?”

“I just want to go with Caroline.”

“You’re not going to the store, are you?”

“Faith. Do you need some more coke?”

“Fuck your coke.”

She stands.

“I’m sick of these little games you play, Lacy. I’m trying to have a serious relationship with you.”

“Where are you going?”

“To find Sarah.”

“Want some coke?”

“No, I don’t want any of your coke.”

Faith walks off dripping, her arms folded.

“She’s just mad ’cause I won’t leave Ben for her.”

“I can see how that would be hard, after a while.”

“It’s been hard the whole time. It’s my fault. I’m trying to have a husband and a girlfriend? It’s never worked.”

“Ben has been ok with that?”

“We’ve been pretty open about it. I don’t know why it’s falling apart now.”

“Sorry, Lacy.”

“No, I do know why it’s falling apart now. It’s falling apart now because that one needs to have the whole picture. She wants me to leave Ben for her. I can’t do that! Why would she ask such a thing?”

“She probably just wants to be close to you.”

“I am close to her. I’m too close. I’m driving-you-crazy close.”

“Perhaps this is just time for you two to take a break.”

“I don’t want a break. She’s my friend! We do everything together. We’re in love! Why does she have to be like this?”

“Maybe she just needs her space. Who’s Sarah?”

“This friend of mine from Hollywood. She’s been hanging out with Faith tonight.”

“So Laz, Lacy and I are thinking about going to the store.”

I look at Caroline.

“Are we?”

“Yes. We will be back in twenty?”

“Twenty-five minutes.”

---

“Look, I’m expecting you to take the lead on this.”

“I’ll take the lead.”

“What exactly are you gonna do?”

“I told you.”

“Are you gonna tell him first?”

“I don’t know. Are you in or are you in?”

“I’m in.”

“’Cause if you’re not in, this is the time to say so.”

“I’m in. I’ve just never done this before.”

“Well I’ve never done it before either, ok. Just follow my lead. You’re an actor, right? Pretend like you’re my scene partner.”

“I hope you don’t expect me to suck him off afterwards. That’s gotta be your part of this little scene.”

“No problem.”

“You’re going to suck him off?”

I nod.

“Are you sure we want to do this? Why don’t you just give him a kiss on the cheek if you want him to remember you?”

“Are you in or are you in?”

“I’m in.”

“Then stop stalling. This is gonna be a lot easier if you don’t get us both worked up before hand. Are you ok? You wanna just wait for me upstairs?”

“As opposed to walking out of the party with you and Cielo Large? Yes, I’ll wait upstairs.”

“It’s unlocked.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“Ok.”

“Go ahead.”

“I’m going.”

---

“Where’s Ashley?”

“Ashley is, I dunno where Ashley is. Did you make up your mind?”

“About the part? Yes. Well, I’m still thinking about it. There’s a couple of details I want to discuss with you.”

“Shoot.”

“I thought maybe we could go upstairs and talk about them.”

“Look, Lacy, this doesn’t need to be a big deal. If you’re leaning away from it, I understand. That’s ok. We’re not for everyone. Why don’t you come by the set on Monday and take a tour. I could introduce you to some people. You could feel it out. The last thing I want to do is force you into something you’re not right for. That’s how we do it. Easy. You know?”

“I really think we should go upstairs and talk about this.”

---

“What’s upstairs? It’s not like, a dragon that’s going to come out and bite me is it?”

“Nope. Not a dragon.”

“You know if you want coke, I have some.”

“I have some too.”

“Ashley’s gonna be pissed if she finds out I’m upstairs hanging out with you.”

“Then she’s gonna be pissed.”

---

“Who’s this?”

“That’s Caroline.”

Caroline waves a meek hi. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Hi, Caroline.”

The bastard says it sarcastically.

“Caroline and I have a little present for you.”

“You have a present?”

Caroline smiles.

I close and lock the door.

“Why don’t you sit down?”

“You know, Lacy, I’ve heard stories about you. If you’re going to pull out a gun and molest me.”

Cielo shakes his head.

“I don’t have a gun anymore. So you don’t have to worry.”

Caroline pats the bed beside her.

Cielo sits.

“So you’re going to hire my friend.”

“Trying to.”

“Has she told you what she’s going to say yet?”

“Do you girls want to do some coke?”

“Sure, Cielo, we’d love to do some coke with you.”

“Yours or ours?”

“Let’s do mine, and you can ask me these questions you’re wanting to ask me, about the show.”

I bring over my laptop and set it on the bed.

“We can use this.”

---

Five minutes later, all freshly high on coke, Cielo starts in again on these questions I’m supposed to be asking him. I’m sitting on the bed next to him, we’re in this little triangle with the coke in the middle.

“So what do you want to know?”

“How much will I make?”

“More than you made on Devil.”

“You don’t know how much I made on Devil.”

“Yes I do. I found out.”

“You motherfucker.”

“You’d get paid well. We could work it out together.”

“Like I can write my own check?”

“To a certain extent.”

“And you don’t mind if I do coke on set?”

“Jesus, that’s what you want to know?” That was Caroline.

“I just want to make sure that the set is amenable to, that I can really work there without getting myself in trouble.”

“You won’t get into any trouble.”

“Is the role large?”

“Yes. It’s a title role.”

“What do you mean by a title role?”

“You’ll be in the opening credits. You’re a main character.”

“You’re not gonna write me out when I fuck up?”

“Lacy, how bad are you planning on fucking up?”

“I never know. I can never tell. That’s part of my problem. Did you know I have bipolar disorder?”

“I think I heard.”

“Well it makes me crazy. I just don’t want to get into this half-assed.”

“Neither do I.”

“Well that’s why I’m asking these questions. Are you ok?”

Cielo looks confused.

“I’m asking her. Caroline. Are you ok right now? You still ok with this?”

“Yeah.”

“Shall we do some more coke?”

“Yes, but first. Do you mind if we? We’re going to get a little more comfortable. Caroline?”

Caroline starts taking off her top. I take mine off as well, both of them set in a neat pile between us. Our boobs are hanging out. I put a hand on Cielo’s leg. Caroline follows.

“This is part of our little present to you.”

“Why don’t you take off your top?”

Cielo unbuttons his shirt. Caroline and I help him out of it.

We all sit there dumbly for a moment.

“More coke now?”

“Yes.”

---

“So more questions?”

“Yes, what type of director are you? Because I like to improv a lot of my shit. Are you cool with that?”

“Well, first of all, I’m not directing all the episodes, but I am directing a majority of them, the scripts I like. So you’ll have other directors to work with. I can’t speak for what they will allow. But with me, yes, you can improv.”

“What if I improv crazy?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like if I do the lines all crazy, like this.”

I make a funny voice.

“You can do that.”

“How can you let me do that?”

“Because your character is, a free spirit. So it’ll work.”

“That’s a nice way of saying we cast you in the role of a crazy person.”

“Well.”

“Skip it. Is this cast gonna be receptive to me just, showing up?”

“I floated the idea with them last week and they seemed happy.”

“Did they even know who I was?”

“Most of them did. Everyone’s seen your show, Lacy.”

Then Caroline just comes out with it.

“I’m gonna suck your cock while you two finish this conversation so let me help you off with those pants, ok, Cielo?”

“Ok.”

“Lacy, you want to help me?”

“Yeah, just don’t be so businesslike.”

“I’m sorry, I’m nervous. I’m nervous, ok, Cielo? I’m nervous about sucking your cock.”

“Don’t be nervous.”

So we take off Cielo’s pants and Caroline gets him hard. I have one hand on his cock while Caroline sucks it. She’s kneeling in her bikini bottoms off the side of the bed.

“What other questions do you have?”

“Basically I just want to make sure this is gonna go well. Can we do this like on a trial basis or something, to see if it works out?”

“No.”

“No.”

“Has to be the whole enchilada.”

“Well believe me, Cielo, you’re about to get the whole enchilada, a couple of enchiladas, so, so, that’s a no on the whole trial basis thing.”

“Right. So are you going to do it?”

“I don’t know.”

I lift Caroline’s head from Cielo’s dick and start sucking it. He’s good and hard now. Caroline goes to the mirror and takes off her bikini bottom. I give Cielo’s dick a little lick, right on the tip, and crawl over and do another line of coke. Cielo puts his hand on me. I crawl off the bed and go to Caroline. I put my hands on her breasts, play with her nipples, then put my hands on her waist and kiss her. She kisses back, then starts undoing my bikini bottoms. They fall to the floor. She lets me go first to Cielo Large.

I crawl on top of him, then Caroline is behind me, pushing me off. She gets on top of him and fucks him, she does it, she pushes her pussy down around him and bounces a little. They kind of come down to the floor and then Caroline rides him while I sit on the floor next to Cielo and kiss him, full on the mouth. I have a hand on his nipple. Caroline’s eyes are closed, and she looks relaxed.

I go to the bed and get a little bit of coke on my finger. I bring it to Cielo’s nose.

“Breathe in.”

He does.

I do the same for Caroline, and she stops pumping for a moment to get the coke in her. Then I go back behind Caroline and I put my hands on her. I kiss her on the neck. I play with her nipples.

“Is this ok?”

They both answer. “Yes.”

“Caroline, scoot forward.”

She gets off him and scoots forward on his chest.

I stay right behind her and put myself on the tip of his penis. I’m wide open and I push down, fucking him.

“Don’t come in me.”

Caroline puts her finger over his lips.

“Yeah, don’t come in us.”

Cielo shakes his head.

---

“So are you gonna do the show or what?”

He asks this right after he’s come, cum in my mouth.

“Yes,” I manage.

Then I’m swallowing and going to the bathroom. I turn on the sink and spit the rest of his cum out. I’m rinsing my mouth.

Cielo’s still lying on the floor when I come out of the bathroom.

“You are?”

“Yes. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Good,” he says. “I’ll see you Monday. Who’s businesslike now?”

“Did you like that Cielo? You better have fucking liked that.”

“I liked it.”

He’s got a hand on Caroline, who is sitting with her back against the bed.

Cielo says, “Are we gonna do some more coke now?”

“Maniac.”

“Yes, lets.” That’s Caroline.

And the two of them are up on the bed, naked, doing coke with each other and I’m standing there looking at them like a proud mother hen. These are my friends, and this is what we do.

---

“Where have you been?”

“Upstairs.”

“What have you been doing?”

“Talking with Caroline.”

“Talking?”

“We did some coke.”

“Did you mess around with her? Tell the truth.”

I wait too long to answer.

“Does she even roll that way?”

“No. She doesn’t.”

“You’d probly turn her.”

“What have you been doing?”

“Talking with Sarah. You know, she’s a really deep person.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“She’s helped me with some things.”

“I’m glad. She helped me with some things, too.”

“So when is the showing? I want to get all these people out of here so you me and Ben can have a quiet night.”

“Just the three of us. Like always.”

“So when is it?”

“I think soon. You want to go check with Ben?”

“You and me?”

“Of course you and me, what am I going to send you off alone to search for Ben?”

“You’ve been leaving me alone all night.”

“I had to hang out with Caroline. We haven’t talked in a while.”

“You didn’t do all the coke did you?”

“We can get more.”

“You did it all?”

“Well!”

“Bitch!”

“We’ll get more. We’ll get some right now.”

“Aren’t you out of money?”

“Ben isn’t.”

“Ben’s busy.”

“We’ll get someone to loan us some. Ben will pay them back. Anyway, I just got another job!”

“I’m glad. I’m glad for you Lacy.”

“You’re not worried about me?”

“No, I don’t care what Ben says. I don’t think you should be sittin’ around at home. You need to be out there doing stuff.”

---

“Sarah! What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m gonna leave.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m just done with being here.”

“Don’t you want to see Ben’s movie?”

“Lacy. This isn’t my kind of situation.”

“What can I do? Can I do anything?”

“Can you make all these people go away?”

“You want to come upstairs?”

“No. I don’t know what you have going on up there but the last place I want to be is upstairs.”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Lacy. They’re saying you’re having an orgy up there.”

“Who said that.”

“Everyone. I’m just gonna go home. I’ll call you sometime, ok?”

“No. Take me with you. I wanna leave too. We didn’t get a chance to talk.”

“Well if you weren’t busy with whoever you’ve got upstairs.”

“I’m not busy now. Let’s talk now. Let’s go for a ride.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Let’s just go for a ride, what?”

“A ride.”

“I’ll drive. We’ll go, we’ll just drive.”

“No offense but can you drive?”

“You’ll drive. Can you drive?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to go for a ride with me?”

“Ok, but a quick one.”

“You will?”

“Yeah, hello, let’s go.”

---

Outside, we have to walk some ways up the road to get to Sarah’s car. The road runs along this rich strip of houses and it’s very close, parking is difficult. As soon as you step out of your house you’re pretty much on the road.

“We’re just going for a ride.”

“What else would we be doing?”

“Just get in the car.”

Sarah waits for several cars to pass, going fast. You can hardly see around this corner that’s there.

“I think you can go now.”

“After this one.”

“Yeah.”

She pulls out. Another car comes up behind us.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know. Just drive. Let’s talk.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Things. How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine. I’m single now.”

“So you broke up with, uh, um.”

“Yeah.”

“I never knew you guys were really together.”

“That was together for us. I’m moving out.”

“But you haven’t moved out yet.”

“No, but, it’s official. We’re not sleeping together.”

“Not even just a little?”

“That’s something you would do. Ok, a little. But it’s just breakup sex. We’re going to stop.”

“I know, I’m just giving you a hard time.”

“What’s new with you? What were you doing upstairs?”

“People were really talking about it?”

“I heard people in the jacuzzi talking about it.”

“What did they look like?”

“Just several of your many house guests, I don’t know.”

“And they said we were having an orgy?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Well, we weren’t. I wonder how that got out?”

“How what got out?”

“Just how that got around.”

“Who knows. So where are we going?”

“To get supplies?”

“What do you need?”

“Water?”

“There’s water at the house!”

“I need my special water, though, I forgot it.”

“Aren’t you going to miss Ben’s movie?”

“No. What time is it? We have plenty of time.”

“Where do you want me to go?”

“There’s a Ralph’s right up here.”

“You’re going to go to Ralph’s in your swimsuit?”

“Yeah, who cares.”

“You don’t have any shoes on.”

“So?”

---

The parking lot of the Ralph’s was a little sticky. There were pebbles and glass everywhere. I held Sarah’s hand which I don’t think she liked. Then we were inside.

“Where’s your water?”

“What’s the rush. This is you and me hanging out, remember?”

“You brought me to a Ralph’s, to hang out.”

“I like the things you say, Sarah. I want to get a little Sarah time in before you go home tonight, ok? Just talk to me.”

“You’re a lonely character, Lacy.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Why don’t you start by telling me what happened upstairs?”

“People do all kinds of things upstairs. Maybe we were just doing coke.”

“Except you weren’t.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you wouldn’t be talking about it the way you are. You’re obviously hiding something.”

“So? What if I am?”

“You say you want to talk to me yet you’re, not, talking.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m being like this.”

“Just be the way you’re going to be, don’t apologize.”

“Can we talk about something other than what happened upstairs?”

“You start.”

“Ok. I’m getting a new job!”

“Congratulations. Who’s it with?”

“The Atrium.”

“Oh.”

“You’ve heard of it?”

“Yes, even a non-TV-watcher like myself has heard of the Atrium. Grief. How did you get that?”

“Director saw my work and liked it. He’s at the party.”

“You just got this job tonight?”

“Yep.”

“That’s awesome, Lacy. Good work.”

“I start Monday. Well, I go by the set Monday. Just to check it out.”

“I’m happy for you. That’s amazing news.”

“Thank you. How’s your job going?”

“Washing dishes? It’s fine, Lacy. It’s the same thing every day.”

“Are you writing?”

“Yeah.”

“Whatcha working on?”

“Just my thoughts, like always.”

“You’re a philosopher.”

“Not excatly.”

“You write down your thoughts, you’re thinking about the world, give yourself some credit.”

“I’m just a girl who washes dishes.”

“I think you’re amazing.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“You are, you’ve given me some good advice.”

“Like what?”

“Like don’t drink so much.”

“Did I tell you that? I don’t think I told you that. Where is this water of yours?”

“It’s over this way. But Sarah, there’s one thing.”

“What?”

“I just realized I don’t have my money with me!”

“I got you.”

“Really? Thanks.”

“How expensive is this water, I should ask.”

“It’s not bad. It’s less than five dollars. You should get one too.”

“Lacy, can I ask you a question, and you don’t get offended? Are you always this shallow?”

“I’m just stressed out with this party! Ben’s movie, I mean is it any good. What are these people going to say?”

“Shouldn’t we be getting back for that?”

“We will. We will. No one will even notice if I’m there anyway.”

“I think you need a new set of friends.”

“How do I go about getting them?”

“We’re friends.”

“I’m glad you see it that way.”

“So where is it?”

“It’s up in this aisle.”

---

“Do you want to know what happened upstairs?”

We’re standing in front of a wall of water bottles.

“Yes.”

“I fucked Cielo Large.”

“Who the fuck is Cielo Large?”

“He’s the director?”

“The director, of the Atrium?”

I nod.

“Lacy, why did you do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Well, I do know. I wanted him to remember me.”

“What the fuck Lacy.”

“So I took a friend and we fucked him.”

“We fucked him?”

“Yes, we fucked him. I got him off with my mouth.”

“Stop talking. Just stop. I don’t want to hear how he came. You need to think about these things before you do them.”

“I thought about it.”

“Won’t Ben mind?”

“Why would he mind?”

“Because you’re married?”

“We are married, that’s true, but.”

“Where is the but? You’re married and you just fucked someone else?”

“Ben won’t care, that’s what I’m telling you.”

“He won’t care. Ben won’t care.”

“No.”

“You’re planning on telling him.”

“No, but.”

“Lacy. You have to tell him.”

“Ok, so I’ll tell him. You wanted to know what happened upstairs I’m telling you what happened upstairs.”

“I guess it’s no big deal. People fuck people. But I just think your life would be a little less turbulent if you didn’t go around doing stuff like this.”

“Like what?”

“Half-cocked. Poorly-thought-out. Simplify, simplify. That’s what I taught you, if I taught you anything. Remember that notecard? Do fewer things better? Do that. Do your TV show and love Ben. That’s it. Don’t complicate it with drugs and drinking and maybe even being with Faith, you know, do you really need to be with her?”

“But you’ve done drugs with me.”

“Every once in a while I do coke. It’s not my thing. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you what to do. But you say that I teach you things, that you look up to me in a way, right?”

“Right.”

“Well I’m saying simplify. Simplify your shit, Lacy. Pick one thing, or maybe two things, and do those. What’s that gonna be? TV?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe it isn’t even Ben. Maybe it’s just TV. You’ve got to pick or else you won’t have anything.”

“I know you’re right. I do remember that notecard. I believed that when I saw it. I knew you were someone special if you could write that. I’m just not very good at it.”

“You’re fine, you’re just practicing.”

“How did you get to be good at it?”

“I’m not. I’ve got a crazy ex-boyfriend who I’m still sleeping with and a dream to become a writer which I’m not really doing anything about, so I’m not, I’m not good at it, I just had the foresight to write that notecard and I’ve got an inkling of what I need to do.”

“See? This is what I meant by talking.”

“We’re talking.”

“Yes.”

“Well pick your water I’m worried you’re going to miss the movie.”

---

Sarah got one too. She paid. I stood in the checkout line in my bikini and no one looked or said a thing. It’s LA.

“Hold my hand.”

“Jesus Christ you’re like a baby.”

“Am I making you mad?”

“A fucking little bit! Yeah.”

“I think I like when you yell at me.”

“That’s sick, Lacy.”

I open my water.

“Tell me if you like this. I think it’s the best.”

We get in the car. Sarah sips her water.

“Well?”

“It just tastes like, water.”

“Don’t you taste that buttery taste?”

“No. You pay three dollars for this?”

“Well, you paid three dollars for it.”

She sips again.

“It just tastes like fucking water, Lacy.”

---

“Ok, so when we go back in.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t tell anyone about Cielo.”

“Don’t tell anyone that you fucked Cielo Large? No problem. I don’t know anyone here so who would I tell? And I’m just staying long enough to see this movie and then I’m out. I’m saying bye to you now because I’m telling you, I’m out once this movie is over.”

“You’re a good friend.”

“No I’m not.”

“Did I piss you off? Are you mad about the water?”

“No it’s just that you have this, childishness about you that I find simultaneously intriguing and off-putting. You know? Because you’ve got something Lacy. If you didn’t I wouldn’t be talking to you. Maybe it was right to fuck Cielo Large. You wanted him to remember you. He’s going to remember you! I mean I can’t tell if that’s genius or if it’s idiocy. I just don’t want you to hurt yourself. And if you don’t care, then maybe you’re not getting hurt. I’m fascinated by you, Lacy. You make my wheels turn. I want good things for you, basically, that’s all. And I do consider you my friend, and we’re an odd pair, but who isn’t? Whatever. Let’s get back in and watch that movie.”

“Ok. Aren’t you taking your water with you?”

“I’m gonna save it for the way back home.”

“Before we go. I just want to say thank you for talking to me. You’re one of the only people I know to talk to who I’m not sexually attracted to. I mean I was. I am. But it’s to the side now. You’re more of a friend to me. I want us to hang out, and I don’t want to be crazy, I think maybe it is just TV I want to work on, or maybe TV and Ben, you’ve helped me see that tonight. I never thought of it the way you put it. So thank you. Thank you.”

She told me I didn’t have to thank her and the two of us got out of the car, which was parked even farther up the road than before. We walked single file along a strip of Malibu front doors with traffic speeding by us the whole way.

---

By the time we got back Ben’s movie was starting, and Ben was looking for me. Everyone was set up in the living room, lights were dimmed, and I went to Ben’s side.

“Where were you?”

“Store.”

“It’s about to start.”

“I can see that. Are you excited?”

“Yeah. Nervous.”

“Well do your thing.”

“Ok. Ok everybody! This is a little film I put together over the last year or so. So many people have helped make this come together. I want to thank B. Hall, my producer, who’s over in the corner there with the porn ’stache, and Jenny Helms who stars in the film. But most of all I’d like to thank Lacy, who not only has a cameo in the film but has stood by my side throughout all this, and been a wonderful support. Thank you, Lacy. And with that, I give you, the documentary about the making of a documentary, ladies and gentlemen, The Making Of!”

Someone turned off the last lamp. Ben’s movie began to play on this large screen, and I watched, from the side of the room, Ben’s arm around me. At the funny parts Ben would squeeze me and giggle himself, satisfied with how it was going. But I began to realize, watching it, that there were no funny parts, and that the whole thing was just, horrible. It was corny puns and ridiculous plot, it was like we were spoofing ourselves and the only joke that worked, finally, was the one on us. Ben was not a genius. This film was not great, it wasn’t even good, it was horrible. It was worse than not making a film, is how horrible it was. And everyone laughed, and drank their drinks, and laughed again at the next joke. And when that film was over people congratulated Ben, I mean the whole place came up to him and told him how great it was, even Cielo, and I began to see how this place was. You could make a horrible movie and people would tell you it was great, because none of them knew when they might need you for something, so they all maintained connections. I stood by Ben’s side through the whole thing, all those people coming up to talk to us, and I kept waiting for someone to say, “that film was horrible” but no one did it. They all said the same thing, and I lost respect for every single one of them. I didn’t lose respect for Ben. He was just a simple guy who wanted to make movies, but didn’t have the knack. You have to have an extraordinary vision to make a successful movie, and Ben didn’t have it. Simple as that. I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for us both, to live in a place like this.

---

“Ben, we need to talk about something.”

“About the movie?”

“No. I had sex with Cielo. You know the guy in the white swimsuit who came up with Ashley, you know those two?”

“You had sex with him? Just now?”

“Earlier tonight, yes. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry. I don’t want you to ever say you’re sorry to me.”

“Are you mad?”

“No!”

“I kinda wish you were.”

“How can I be mad at you, Lacy, I love you.”

“Aren’t you jealous?”

“Not as long as you come home with me.”

“So I can fuck whoever I want that’s great Ben.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“I just want you to care what I do.”

“I do, but. I’m not gonna get in your business!”

“It’s not just my business.”

“Well, ok, you told me. You fucked Cielo. Now I guess it’s our business.”

“I mean emotionally. Oh fuck what am I trying to do here?”

“If you wanted to be monogamous with me, you would be. I can’t make you be monogamous. You obviously want to fuck other people. Am I going to be mad at you for being what you are?”

“What I am?”

“How you are. Whatever Lacy. How you are. You want me to get mad because you fucked Cielo? Do you like it when I get mad at you?”

“No, Ben, I don’t like it when you get mad at me. Do you like it when I misbehave?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I act out. When I do freaky shit. Do you like that?”

“I don’t mind it.”

“I think you like it. I think you like when I fuck up.”

“What are you saying?”

“Say it. You do. You like when I act up.”

“I like you, Lacy.”

“And I’m just an actin’ up kind of girl, is that what you’re saying?”

“I’m not saying anything.”

“Ben, you don’t give me the impression that you really care.”

“I do.”

“Then get mad!”

I stomped my foot and people from the party noticed.

“I’m not a mad kind of guy. Lacy. You know this about me.”

“I want you to yell at me.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Then I want you to make love to me, right now, no excuses, come upstairs with me and fuck the little shit out of me, I’m your wife.”

---

We did it but we did it quick. Was I satisfied? Not in a couple of ways. But he did it and I was glad he took the time out. Then he had to get back to the party.

“Send Pedram up.”

“Are you gonna fuck him too?”

“Fuck you.”

“I’ll send him. Just kidding. Geez. See you wife.”

“See you husband. I didn’t mean fuck you.”

“I know.”

Ben closes the door. That’s the kind of stable relationship we have. Nothing either of us does pisses the other one off so much we break up. We’re a good marriage, I guess.

---

Faith came up a while later.

“Where’s Sarah?”

“She left. Whatcha doin’ up here?”

“Doin’ coke.”

“Without me?”

“Now I’m doing it with you.”

“Aren’t you missing the party?”

“The party’s pretty much over.”

“Cielo Large is still downstairs. Him and Ashley are in the jacuzzi.”

“So?”

“Did you do something with him?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“People are talking.”

“People? What people?”

“Just people. I made friends.”

“Good.”

“So is it true?”

“Is what true?”

“That you fucked him. That you and one of your friends fucked him. Please don’t lie.”

“Faith.”

“It’s ok. I know you’re crazy. I’m crazy too, remember? I almost would have liked it more if you had asked me to do it with you.”

“I didn’t think you’d say yes.”

“I probably wouldn’t have. But still I wish you had asked.”

“I thought it would be disrespectful.”

“To who? To me? Why would you worry about that? You’re already fucking some other guy. Someone you just met by the way! Did you tell Ben?”

“Yes, I told Ben.”

“Was he ok with it?”

“Yes.”

“I knew he would be. You two have the oddest marriage I know of.”

“So? It’s our marriage. It benefits you, our ‘odd’ marriage.”

“It benefits me? I’m tired of sounding like we’re in a business transaction. Which is what you and Cielo Large was. A business transaction.”

“Maybe it was.”

“That affects me. As somebody who sleeps with you. Because how do I know if I’m not just a business transaction?”

“What would I want from you, Faith?”

“That’s nice. I guess nothing. Nothing!”

“Do we have to yell?”

“Yes! We fucking have to yell!”

“Well I’m not going to.”

“Fine! Be cool! I’m sick of you!”

“Good! Then get the fuck out!”

“You want me to get the fuck out!?”

“Yes!”

“Fine! Fuck you. Fuck you and your whole agenda.”

“I don’t have an agenda!”

“Fuck it anyway!”

---

Knock knock knock.

“Hello? It’s me Faith.”

“Come in.”

“What are you just sitting up here doing all this cocaine? How much of this have you done, Lacy?”

“A lot.”

“Is this more of Pedram’s?”

“Yeah.”

“Is Pedram still here?”

“Who knows. Do you want to do a line?”

“If it’ll stop you from doing one. Yeah, I’ll do a line. I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. I know you don’t like yelling.”

“I do sometimes.”

“Well I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry I said fuck you.”

“I’m sorry I said it too. That’s going around tonight.”

“What?”

“People saying fuck you.”

“I think you’ve done enough of this.”

“No, leave that there. Leave it! Don’t touch it.”

“Alright well then I’m gonna do some more. Is that alright?”

“Yes, that’s ok. You can do all you want. You’re Faith, my little wonder.”

“Your little wonder? Are you seeing things, Lacy?”

“Yes.”

“That means you’ve done too much coke.”

“It’s not too much. It’s just the right amount. Did I tell you I got a new job?”

“Yes.”

“Oh right. Sorry. I’m a skank.”

“You’re not a skank.”

“I am a skank. Let me finish.”

“Ok.”

“I’m a skank. I fuck at will. I’ve never learned the right boundaries and therapy isn’t helping.”

“You’re not even in therapy.”

“That’s why therapy isn’t helping.”

“Ok, whatever Lacy, you’re just crazy.”

“Do some more coke and you’ll see how crazy I am.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“See how you like it.”

“What, do you mean?”

“When I picked you up in detox you were saying all this crazy shit. You thought the, guy in the next bed to you was playing some kind of practical joke on you. Remember? Your brain was fried. There was no practical joke. It was just all in your head. You scared the shit out of me that time. Faith? You know that? I thought you were ruined. I don’t want my Faith to be ruined.”

“I don’t want you ruined either.”

“Well it’s too late. How do you think I’m supposed to survive in this city? Am I not supposed to fuck Cielo Large? Sorry for bringing it up again but I gotta ask!”

“You don’t have to worry about bringing it up again. It’s permanently on my mind.”

“Sorry. I’m sorry. Are we ok?”

“Not really. You mean are things back like they used to be? Not really, Lacy.”

“I fucked up. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry.”

“It’s just what’s gonna happen next time?”

“I know. I know. Suddenly I’m the crazy one between the two of us.”

I laugh.

“No, we’re tied. I didn’t mean to scare you that one time in detox. I can imagine what that must have been like for you. And I’m sorry for that. So we’re both sorry. I don’t know, Lacy, I don’t know how to make my life calm. It never has been. Maybe that’s part of why you’re in it. I mean how can I expect you to be calm when I’m not even calm myself?”

I laugh again.

“Just come here and sit on my lap.”

“I’m not making love with you Lacy.”

“I didn’t ask you to make love with me.”

“Why do you want me to sit on your lap?”

“Because I want to be close to you.”

“Are we ever even close?”

“Yes, don’t say that, we’ve been close.”

Faith shakes her head. Then she comes over and sits on me. I put my arms around her waist and hug.

“I love you.”

“I believe you think that.”

“I love you Faith.”

Faith bends down and does a line of coke. She rubs her nose.

“I just don’t think you should throw your pussy around is all.”

“I’m not throwing it around.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“It was just that one time. I’ve never done that before.”

“That you know of.”

“What? No. It was just more of a celebratory fuck.”

“I don’t think I want to hear you talk about this anymore.”

“Fine. We’ll talk about, whatever. What do you want to talk about?”

“Let’s just do coke until we’re stupid. I don’t think I want to talk right now.”

---

“You’re still here! I thought you had gone home by now.”

“Still here.”

It’s Tosha, Tiffany, Caroline, Cielo, and Ashley, all in the jacuzzi.

“Where’s Ben?”

“He’s cleaning up in there.”

“Ben, get your ass down here!”

Faith and I slip over the side of the jacuzzi and down into the water.

“What are you guys up to?”

“We were just talking about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, I was just saying what an amazing actress you are and Tiffany was agreeing.”

“We all were.”

“You’ve done so well Lacy.”

“You could tell, even back in school.”

“You went to school with all of these ladies?”

“She was the best in our class. Well.”

“Besides Heather.”

“I didn’t want to say it.”

“It’s ok. Say it. I wasn’t better than Heather. No one was better than Heather.”

“You were even with Heather.”

“Who was Heather?”

“She’s this girl that killed herself. With heroin. It was really sad.”

“Where did you go to school again?”

“Ohio.”

“Ohio.”

“Well, you’re expected to do great things on the Atrium.”

“Congratulations again.”

“Thank you. I’m looking forward to Monday, that should be fun.”

“We’ll just take you around, introduce you to the cast. People will take you out, I’m sure. And you’ll get your driver.”

“I get a driver?”

“To and from the set every day. That’s how we do it.”

“Does everyone have that?”

“The main people.”

“Cool. Am I allowed to drive myself?”

“No. It’s a safety risk.”

“You mean in my case particularly.”

“In general. Better to have a professional driver take you.”

“Oooh. You get a professional driver. Big time, Lacy.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“How many episodes do we shoot a week?”

“I’ll get to all of that Monday. Why don’t you tell me about how you met your husband?”

“Ben! Get your ass down here! We’re talking about you! I met him at school. He was a film major there. We did some projects together with them, with the film department, so yeah.”

“You’re so cute together.”

“You’re kind of freaking me out when you say that.”

“You mean because you two just slept together?”

“Thank you Faith. Does everyone know? You have a big mouth mister. Ashley, I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” she says, totally innocent.

I don’t know if it’s because she’s stupid or what.

“Can’t I sleep with someone and the whole party not find out about it?”

“Apparently not.”

“Lacy, you’re a wild one.” That’s Tiffany.

“We used to do some crazy stuff back in school, though. Remember?”

“Not that crazy I’m just sayin’.”

“Yes, that crazy. Remember? Some of those games we played?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re just messing with you Lacy do whatever the fuck you want.”

“Yeah, Lacy, do whatever the fuck you want.” That’s Faith, sarcastic.

“I will, thank you.”

“What about me? You’re making this like it’s all about Lacy,” Caroline says. “Don’t I get any credit?”

“You girls throw a memorable party.”

“It better be fucking memorable.”

“It was,” Cielo says.

Just then Ben comes down.

“You called?”

“Ben, take off your clothes and get in here with us.”

“I have a swimsuit upstairs, I’ll be right back.”

“We don’t have time for that. Strip.”

“I usually do what Lacy says.”

“I would think so.”

“Lacy?”

“What?”

“You’re really going to make him strip down to his underwear?”

“Are you wearing underwear?”

Ben checks.

“Yes.”

“Then get your fucking clothes off!”

Ben strips and gets in with us. I sit with my back on his chest, and Faith is right beside us. I hold her hand.

“Yeah, Ben and I met in class. He was making a movie and they needed actors from the theatre department. We hadn’t been trained in film yet, just stage. But he picked me!”

“Were you just as freaky back then?”

“I don’t know. Ask Ben.”

“Yes she was.”

Everyone laughs.

“You seem like the perfect Hollywood couple. The way you’re so supportive of his film and I’m sure he’s supportive of your acting.”

“You wouldn’t believe.”

“We’ve been through a lot.”

“Yeah, we have. Ben puts up with me!”

“I don’t put up with you baby I love you.”

“Aww.”

“Aww.”

“Alright, new subject! The party’s over. Talk about someone other than me.”

“We were, earlier, before you got here. Caroline and Tiffany and Natasha were telling us about their projects.”

“Yeah, pshff.”

“Nothing like Lacy’s.”

“Don’t say that,” Cielo says. “Projects are projects.”

“So when she sucked your dick,” Faith says, “was it good?”

“Faith.”

“No I want to know, because when she sucks me off it’s great. So I just wondered, maybe you and Ben can compare notes about how she is at dick sucking.”

“Maybe I sucked his dick,” Caroline says.

“I doubt that. Lacy would have wanted to be all up on that.”

“Anyway,” Tiffany says.

And Tosh says, “Well, time to go.”

“No, stay. If Faith wants to know, go ahead Cielo, tell her.”

I turn to Ben.

“Do you mind this?”

He smiles.

“Tell her Cielo.”

“Um.”

“Tell her.”

“Uh, yes, Lacy sucks a mad cock.”

Ben makes a cheers motion to Cielo. Cielo cheers’s back.

“Don’t let Lacy take credit for everything!”

“I know, right? Like I wasn’t even there!”

“Did you like her pussy? Did you?”

“I don’t know, Faith.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I liked your pussy. I liked it.”

“’Cause I’m gonna kick your ass if you touch it again. I’m gonna.”

“Faith!”

“What? I’m just telling him what I’m going to do. And what I’m going to do is kick, your, motherfucking, ass. Kick it. Kick it. You fucking scumbag.”

“Faith fuck you! I’m sorry she’s saying that. She’s not going to kick anyone’s ass.”

“Oh yeah?” Faith says, and she stands up and goes over the side of the jacuzzi. Then she stomps upstairs, dripping.

---

“I’m sorry about Faith earlier.”

“It’s not a problem. I’ll see you on Monday. And Lacy. What you did earlier. There’s no expectation. That that continue. Ok? Just wanted to be clear on that. Thank you. But there’s no need. Unless you just really want to.”

“Did we offend Ashley?”

“Pssh. Ashley doesn’t give a fuck.”

“Ok. So I’ll see you Monday. Thank you. Again. I’m excited.”

“I’m excited too. We’re going to make some great television together. Everyone has fun. Everyone gets rich. That’s the way I do it.”

“Ok. Sounds good. I like that. I can live that way.”

“Good. You’re gonna be great, Lacy, trust me.”

“I do. I trust you.”

“Ok. See you later.”

“See ya.”

Ashley runs across the room into Cielo’s arms. Then the two of them walk out the front door.

“What kind of car does Cielo drive?” That’s Ben.

“I didn’t notice.”

“Well look dammit!”

“It’s too dark. Probably a nice one. Do you think I should buy a new car once I start making mad money?”

“I would.”

“Don’t you want a car?”

“No really.”

“You can have my puma if I buy a new car.”

“Ok.”

“I might get a Kompressor.”

“Those are nice.”

“I get to write my own ticket on this show.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m gonna kick this out of the park.”

“I know!”

“We did this together. And your movie. We did that together, too.”

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you too.”

“You want me to go talk to Faith?”

“Would you?”

“Yeah,” Ben says.

“Ok, I’mma go hang out with the girls.”

---

“I don’t believe the two of you fucked him.”

“I think it’s hot.”

“Eww!”

“Why not? He’s clean, he’s got a great body. She wanted him to remember her!”

“Lacy, I think you’re brilliant. He’ll never forget the night he offered you the part of. What’s your character’s name?”

“I have no idea. We’ll figure it out Monday.”

“Do you get to pick?”

“I might. He’s giving me some freedom with this role.”

“You lucky bitch. You lucky bitch. You’re actually doing this shit. You came to LA and you’re actually doing this shit.”

“I actually am. It’s all luck, you know, I was doing Taco Time commercials when I got here.”

“It’s not luck.”

“Yeah, fuck you Lacy, it’s not luck.”

“We’ll just all have to be your lackeys. People who know Lacy Anderson. We’ll be at parties with you just because we know Lacy Anderson. I say fuck Cielo Large anytime you want. Was he better than Ben?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“No, really. Ben is the best. With Ben I can play out my fantasy world.”

“I bet you have a rich fantasy world.”

“I do. Cielo Large just sat on the floor. Or laid there. Tell ’em, Caroline.”

“It wasn’t a normal fuck.”

“It was more.”

“It was like a set-up thing.”

“We just laid him back and fucked him.”

“Yeah, we just party-favor fucked him, it wasn’t intimate or anything.”

“You party favor fucked him. Oh, my, god, I love that.”

“We did, didn’t we? We party favor fucked him.”

“Then you party favor sucked him off!”

“How was his cum? What did it taste like?”

“Normal.”

“Different than Ben’s?”

“Of course it was different. I think Cielo Large is a vegetarian.”

“You can tell by his cum!?”

“No I just think I heard that.”

“Do you have any more coke?”

“Yes, of course, do you want some? I didn’t know that you wanted some!”

“Just if you have a little.”

“Are you driving? You can stay here.”

“I just want to do a little.”

“Let me go upstairs and get what I have left. We can do it inside like in the kitchen. It’s too open down here, you know what I mean? So, you wanna meet me in the kitchen?”

---

“Hey guys.”

“Hey.”

“I just wanna get the coke, we’re gonna do some downstairs. Everything ok up here?”

Faith is sitting with Ben’s arm around her. They’re on the bed.

“No, everything is not ok. Lacy, you really hurt my feelings tonight!”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna talk about it right now, can you and Ben just talk about it?”

“Fine! Since you don’t have time for your friend, you’ve gotta hang out with all those old college girls you don’t even like!”

“Do you have this under control?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not even here! I’m pissed at you Lacy.”

“Ok, you’re pissed.”

“You really hurt my feelings!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry Faith. It was just a little game that I see you’re taking wrong and I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I thought you would understand that anything I did with Cielo was not personal, it was just a thing, and I can see you’re not taking it that way.”

“Ugh. I don’t believe I’m supposed to be the crazy one between us.”

“You’re not. Get over that. You’re not crazy. You’re not damaged. You’re just a person going through life trying to make the best of things, as am I, as is Ben, as are all these people! No one’s in a conspiracy against you! These are all just people living their lives. Everyone’s doing the best they can! It’s not great but it’s the best they can do so you’ve gotta cut ’em some slack sometimes. Cut me some slack! I’m not your perfect girlfriend!”

“No you’re not! You really hit a nerve with me tonight. I don’t believe in playing ‘games’ like you played tonight, not with someone I’m with. You fucked up!”

“Ok! I hear you! Maybe I fucked up and maybe I didn’t. To you I did. Obviously. Get over it! It isn’t about you!”

“How is this not about me? Unless you don’t care about me!”

“I do care! I care a lot! People have different ways of showing that they care.”

“You’re so full of shit.”

“I’m going downstairs and I’m doing the rest of this coke with these bitches who you obviously can’t stand just ’cause they’ve had a different upbringing than you. Are you two gonna be ok up here for a while??”

---

I did coke in the kitchen with the girls, plus Mike and Laz. We just did a little and then everyone was saying their goodbyes.

“So I’ll see you next time you decide to throw a huge party.”

“No, you’ll see me before then.”

“Have fun on your show Lacy.”

“Yeah, hope Monday goes well.”

“Thanks. Good luck with all your stuff that you’re doing.”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, Lacy. Goodnight.”

“Drive safely. Don’t go too fast.”

“I won’t. I’m fine.”

“Good.”

“See you next time Lacy!”

“See you!”

“Bye!”

“Bye Laz!”

Then they left. And it was just me in this huge house, with Ben and Faith upstairs, and a colossal mess we would have to clean up tomorrow.

I collect the rest of my coke and pack it up inside my purse, grab my phone, and sit down on the kitchen floor. I call my dad. It rings forever.

“Hello.”

“Hi Dad it’s me.”

“Uh, hi Lacy.”

“How are you?”

“It’s pretty late. Ava and I are in bed.”

“Well do you have a second to talk?”

“Hold on. It’s Lacy. I know. I know. Lemme just. Talk to her for a minute. Lacy?”

“Yes Dad?”

And then it just goes blank. I look at my phone. The call isn’t connected. The bastard hung up on me.

“What the fuck.”

I put my phone back in my purse. I stand. I walk to the bathroom and set my purse on the counter. I lock the door. There’s pills in my purse that I consider taking. Like, taking a lot of. But I don’t do that. I look in the mirror.

I’m standing. I look at myself. Bikini, looking fine. Made quite an impression at the party tonight. Ben’s wife, the fine-looking one. No doubt people were impressed by him. Showed it off to my friends, too, some of whom are looking a little soft. You have to keep it together if you want to make it in this business. You have to keep it together. I’m keeping my bipolar in check, I’m making arrangements at work to accommodate me in my condition. That’s how you’ve got to do it, Lacy. Make it work for you. It’s ok if you do a little coke. Just do it around people, that way you don’t go crazy with it. Just don’t be camping out at the Arclight doing drugs in the bathroom. Do them at work, do them with friends, stuff like that. Dad. Motherfucker. Called him and the motherfucker hung up on me. Stupid, stupid. Should never have called him. He knows you’re vulnerable. He knows you want to talk to him. He just uses that against you, every time. Learn from the past, Lacy, learn that he doesn’t give a fuck. Learn that once and for all, ok? Should take him out of your phone. And what about upstairs. Ben really saved me taking care of Faith. What am I going to do about Faith? She acts like a baby. Can’t have that around my regular friends. Can’t have her possibly messing things up between me and, say, a Cielo Large. Fuck. Faith. Fuck. What am I gonna do? She just doesn’t know the ropes, doesn’t know the way of things. And that is probably never going to change about her, Lacy, don’t expect it to. Faith is gonna be Faith. You have to accept her for who she is or don’t accept her at all. You can’t change her. She’s not your project. Faith, poor Faith. She was so defensive of me tonight. She really cares. So much she would kick someone’s ass to protect me. Or say she would. I’d like to see that, Faith beating Cielo’s ass, that would be a sight. Do you think Cielo could defend himself? I can’t imagine that Cielo Large has ever been in a fight, ever, in his life. Look at my body. Try to get a handle on it. The perfect shapes, the perfect tones. Could use a bit more of a tan. The running’s working, though. Keep that up. Dad can fuck himself. What kind of a dad hangs up on his daughter? Smh. It’s just his weird upbringing, it has nothing to do with you. Don’t make this about you, Lacy, he does this to everyone. To Mom, to his own sister. Don’t make it about you. What Sarah said about Ben, about how maybe even doing two things is too much, what do I think about that. I could leave Ben, I could be by myself. But I don’t want to. I love Ben. I don’t want to leave him. But what if two things are too much, would I leave Ben and focus just on TV? I think I would. I think I can make my career my thing. But two isn’t too much, is it? Does this mean that Faith is out? Because in Sarah’s advice three things would definitely be too much? I don’t know about Faith right now. She’s pissing me off. Faith I can’t stand when she gets like this, all I’m gonna kick your ass. Used to like that about her, now it’s just annoying. First met her in the psych ward, I used to really like that about her. Her violence. But now it’s just old, I’m just sick of her saying it and never doing anything. I’ve come a long way, baby. Don’t think about coke. Don’t think about drinking. I’m right here, right now just like Fatboy Slim. Be right here and enjoy being Lacy. But I think I am gonna do a little more coke. Yeah. Sit down on this toilet seat and get it out of my purse. Lay it out. Let them argue upstairs about right and wrong, let me lay this out and get fuuuuucked up.

---

“Lacy?”

“Yeah?”

I twist the door handle.

“Come in.”

“Whoah. You having yourself a little party in here?”

“You look disgusting, Lacy.”

“Hey, hey, I thought we said we were gonna be nice.”

“Whatever.”

“Are you two done talking?”

“Yeah, I think it’s about time to go home.”

“We could go home.”

“We could stay here.”

“That’s what I’m thinking, except. Gabby Gabby.”

“Gabby Gabby, yeah. She could be ok through the night.”

“I don’t think so. She needs to be walked.”

“Ok, yeah, that’s not a good idea. We should go home.”

“Do you want to go home with us Faith or do you want to be dropped off?”

Faith says nothing.

“Ok. We’ll come back to you. Ben, can you drive because I’m slightly fucked up.”

“I can drive.”

“Are you happy with how your party went?”

“Our party.”

“Well your showing. You happy with it?”

“Yeah, Lacy, I’m way happy.”

“Great. Did you get any interest in it?”

“Well, that one guy, Apea. That’s a possibility.”

“Baby, great. I’m so happy for you.”

“People seemed to like the film.”

“Yes they did.”

“I think all in all it was a good night.”

“You’re not too mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you at all.”

“’Cause I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Do we have to talk about this?”

“Faith, we’re gonna talk about whatever we need to talk about.”

“Can you please be sensitive to those who are hurt by this?”

“I think you’re trying to own me, in a way, by being hurt by it, and I don’t like how that feels.”

“What about the way I feel?”

“If all you’re going to do is be mad at me, then we’re not going to move forward. Let’s hug, Faith. It’s just me. I’m not a monster.”

“Are you sure?”

“Faith, give me a hug. Please. I want things to be ok between us.”

“I don’t even know you anymore, Lacy. That’s how bad this is.”

“Well I’m glad you’re getting to know me so you don’t get surprised in the future by the real me.”

“Yeah, real glad. Real glad I’m getting to know you.”

“Just come sleep with me and Ben tonight. You’ll feel better in the morning. Do you want a drink?”

“No I do not want a drink.”

“Well, ok, sometimes we drink together. I think I’m having one. Do you mind, Ben, before we go? I want to use up some of this alcohol we have lying around here.”

---

We sat by the ocean. Not in the jacuzzi, but on chairs that were set there, already arranged in a three-person semicircle, with the open side facing the water.

“Did you find anyone attractive at the party tonight? Faith?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you, Ben?”

“Yes. I like your friends. But you know that.”

“Pervert.”

“I guess I like that Ohio look.”

“Half of them aren’t even from Ohio.”

“Well, I like them anyway. I like your friends in bikinis.”

“Do you like mine?”

“Very much.”

“You two are disgusting.”

Ben puts his hand on Faith’s knee.

“You should lighten up. No one’s trying to hurt you.”

“I will. I will. I’ll lighten up when I’m ready.”

“Ok, don’t force her.”

“I’m not, I’m just suggesting.”

“Ok.”

The whole time Faith had her face to the ocean, with her hands making a little bit of a hood over her eyes. I should have known something was wronger with her than usual.

“Ben, I’m so proud of you with your film. Do you have ideas for your next one?”

“I couldn’t have even done it without you, Lacy. No, I have no idea. Will have to meet with the boys when we’re back at work.”

“You’ll come up with something.”

“We’re going to have an IMDB page up for it.”

“That’s great. Show me once you make it.”

“I will. Lacy.”

“Yeah?”

“I couldn’t be more happy with you, I want you to know that. I think we’re working out what it means to be us, and I think that’s been hard, but I think we’re doing it and I think I’m proud of us.”

I squeeze Ben’s hand.

“I’m proud of us too. You know what I want?”

“A good night’s sleep?”

“Another drink.”

“Well get yourself one. We’ve got enough alcohol here to kill a horse.”

“Two horses. I love you Ben.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Faith, just so you know that. I do. I’ll be right back. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“No.”

“Faith, do you want to reconsider that drink? I’ll bring you something, whatever you want.”

“No thank you,” is what she said, and she didn’t turn her head.

---

So we’re headed out the door and we’re locking up.

“We can clean this mess up tomorrow?”

“We’ll clean it up tomorrow.”

“Faith, do you have all your stuff?”

She grumbles.

We’re going down the front steps.

“Are we going straight home or do you need anything?”

“I don’t need anything, do you?”

“No. Just checking.”

“Let’s just go home. Faith do you want to sit in the front seat?”

She just glares at me. Seething anger.

“Sit in the front. I’ll stretch out in the back.”

Faith just stands by the front door. Doesn’t open it. It’s the three of us standing by my puma next to the road. Traffic is speeding by.

“Get in Faith.”

“I don’t want to.”

“What is it?”

“I feel. Like. I can’t even tell you what I feel like.”

“Why not.”

“Because you’ll be mad at me. But I feel like.”

“I won’t be mad at you. Tell me.”

“I feel like I’m gonna do something stupid.”

“Like what?”

“Like this.”

And she steps out into the road in front of a car.

“Faith, no!”

But it was too late.

7

The car hit her and knocked her back. You could hear the sound of her hitting the road and then this thumping as the car went over her. She was dragged a ways, blood streaking the road, and the car pulled over a couple hundred feet from where she got hit. Faith was still in the middle of the road, and the next car stopped, and then cars were going around her in the other lane, and I was holding onto Ben not knowing what to do.

We called 911. Eventually the police and an ambulance got there. They talked to us but mostly we sat on the steps of the house while they took her away. Just put her in an ambulance and drove her away. I would stop by her dad’s house later that night and tell him, and he would offer me to come in, but I would decline and drive home to Ben, where we hardly slept at all.

The image of her being hit has never left me. I saw her head hit the pavement. I saw how quickly she got thrown down when the car hit her. It was just unnatural. I knew as soon as she started talking crazy talk that she was talking about suicide, but I didn’t think it was going to happen right then. Crazy bitch. She didn’t think about who else she was going to destroy when she did that.

The worst part was having to go back to the Malibu house and clean up the next morning. We had to have the place cleaned by noon to get our deposit back, so we were up early, driving over there, and then just the two of us trash-bagging everyone’s leftover drink containers. It was horrible, to be back where she got hit, the road cleaned up and people driving over it like normal, like nothing ever happened.

After we cleaned up we went back to our apartment and cleaned up there. I vacuumed everything. Ben washed the dishes. We even made the bed, nice and neat corners like in the Army. Ben turned on the TV for like a second, but we turned it off and just kind of sat around the house for a couple hours, staring at walls, and I was thinking of when we first moved in, because the place being clean reminded me of when we first came here and everything was new.

Then we went to lunch. There was nothing else to do, and we didn’t feel like making a mess in our newly-cleaned kitchen. So we went to Hollywood to the Italian place I like and sat outside and ate pasta. I wore my sunglasses in case I would cry but I didn’t. I felt nothing. I was already angry with her for killing herself, and it cancelled out my feelings of sadness. She was so fucked up, I was wondering if this was better for her. I thought it would be better if she was alive, but she obviously didn’t feel that way. I wondered how much I had pushed her to do what she did.

---

“She was so stupid.”

“I don’t know why she fucking did that.”

“She’d been planning doing something like that for a while.”

“Why would she do that?”

“She just couldn’t take it anymore. I can relate. I’ve felt like that before.”

“I know you have.”

“I won’t ever do that to you, Ben.”

“I’m glad.”

“I promise. No matter how bad it gets. I’ll stick around.”

“Thank you. Dammmit.”

“I know.”

“She was just here.”

“I know. It’s crazy. One minute you’re here, the next minute you’re gone.”

“I was just sitting with her with my arm around her shoulder. I thought we were making progress when we talked upstairs.”

“You can’t patronize her, though, she’ll know it.”

“I wasn’t trying to patronize her. I was trying to help her.”

“Sometimes, same thing.”

“Maybe. I didn’t mean to offend her.”

“Oh baby no. You didn’t offend her into doing this. Don’t think that.”

“Do you think about that?”

“I do. Did I scandalize her into doing this? Was she so pissed about Cielo that she did this? I think I’ll always have to live with that.”

“But you can’t blame yourself.”

“I know. I know you can’t blame yourself, and all that. But you do, in little ways, you know? You do. She was pissed about Cielo. Are you pissed about Cielo, deep down?”

“It’s complex. But no, I don’t think so.”

“I know you’re not going to kill yourself.”

“No.”

“I would die, Ben.”

“I know. I would die too so don’t you think about it.”

“I can’t help thinking about it sometimes.”

“Just don’t do it.”

“I’ll try. I’ll try real hard. I think I won’t. I think I won’t today. It’s so selfish. And I think you think people are going to feel differently about it than they do. Because like, I’m real mad at Faith right now. I’m not sad. Maybe I’ll get sad. But right now I’m just fucking pissed that she did that. Stupid, stupid.”

“I agree.”

“Fuck you Faith. Wherever you are. Fuck you for doing that to me. You did that to us. We wanted you around. You were a stupid fucking bitch.”

“Do you think you’re going to counselling?”

“About this? Probably. Do you want to go to some?”

“Maybe. If I can find someone to see.”

“We can find you someone. Or you can go to Dr. Giggle.”

“I’d rather find my own doc.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“Nothing against Dr. Giggle.”

“No, but. I might find someone new too. Let’s find new psychiatrists and be healthy and get over Faith and live happy lives from here on out.”

“I’d like that.”

“I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through Ben.”

“It’s ok.”

“It’s not. But I couldn’t help it.”

---

That night we watched movies together. It was Sunday night. We decided on Se7en, something to fit the mood, and it was comforting to watch all that dark shit and think about how horrible the world is.

I stayed up late thinking about the Atrium, and Faith was a constant thought on top of that. I wanted to get excited about my new job tomorrow but I kept thinking of my little friend, Faith, and how she really really wasn’t around anymore. It was horrifying what happened to her body, being crushed like that, and pictures of it were in my head. I thought of her when she was just meeting me at the insane asylum and how she looked then. She wasn’t hot anymore.

I eventually went to sleep, and woke up right as Ben was leaving.

“Have a good day, honey.”

“You too. Have a great first day.”

Ben left. I showered, and thought of cocaine a little, but I didn’t have any so I decided to enjoy the effects of a full night’s sleep and not worry about getting any right now. I dressed and said bye to Gabby Gabby. I told her that momma had a new job and wasn’t going to be around as much but Gabby Gabby would be ok, that she would make it.

---

Sitting in the parking lot at Sony studios. Not having any specific time I had to meet Cielo, and I laughed a bit at what me and Caroline had done. It was silly. I didn’t have to do that, but it had really happened, and nothing was going to erase that. I would meet with my boss today and know the taste of his cum. I had a good feeling about the day. I didn’t feel nervous. I was more reflecting on where I had come from, and how far I had come, to get to this point. Everything was so thinly held. Even a job was just a connection with a person, so thin, so basic, that it could be broken at any time. That’s all a job was, just a connection with a person. Everything is just a relationship. That was so clear to me now. It’s all about knowing just one person. I wondered if I would have a full day. I doubted it. He probably just wants to talk and settle a few details, then I’ll be on my way in the free, open world once again. Maybe go to Mick’s? Maybe not. I kinda didn’t want to fuck this up.

---

“Yes, I’m looking for the Atrium?”

“Miss Anderson, it’s right this way, I’ll walk you down.”

So this security guard who I’ve never met, who knows my name, walks me to the stages, and I guess Cielo had primed him because he walks me right up to Cielo and hands me off.

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

“Cielo!”

I hug him.

“Good morning Lacy. Thanks for coming by. I’ve got some people to introduce you to.”

---

Boy, did he. I met production assistants, co-stars, makeup people, the guest director on the shoot they were doing right now. I met script people, costume people, the director of photography, I met catering people, I met my assistant! Then it was just me and Cielo in his trailer.

“Do you mind if we meet in here?”

“It’s fine.”

“We can meet somewhere more public if you like.”

“To avoid scandal? Nah.”

“How was the rest of your weekend?”

“Eh.”

“What?”

“My friend killed herself.”

“What?? Who?”

“Faith Reese. She was at the party. The one who said she was going to kick your ass.”

“I remember Faith. That’s terrible.”

“She jumped in front of a car.”

“That’s terrible, Lacy, how are you even here? You can be at home, we don’t need you here today.”

“I’d prefer to work.”

“Well I’m not sure how much work I have for you today but we’ll see what we can do. Mainly I wanted to get you situated. That’s terrible, Lacy, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not. It’s terrible. Was she a close friend of yours?”

A tear in one eye.

“We were lovers.”

I scrape off the tear with a fingernail.

“Lacy. Are you sure you want to be here?”

“I am sure.”

“Ok, well I can distract you with paperwork and business we have here, but you tell me if you want to go, ok?”

“Bring on the paperwork.”

“Well we have to decide on your contract. Which I have. You might want to have a lawyer present, so we can do that another day, but we’ll rough it out between us today, your figures and such. That and. I’ll get you the script for your first episode. It’s the next one we’re shooting so I’m glad you said yes. Did I introduce you to Bryan B.?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, right. So any script questions go to him. The only other thing is, I guess, I have to show you your trailer.”

“I get a trailer?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you so much for this job Cielo.”

“That’s all you, Lacy.”

---

Once we saw Bryan B. and got me a script for the next episode, Cielo was walking me to my trailer, which was as large as his and right up front, close to the action, just a short trip from the stage they were currently shooting on.

“This is it!”

“Thank you so much Cielo!”

“You didn’t have trailers on Devil?”

“No, we had, cubbies.”

“No cubbies here. Not for you. I’ll see you back on set in twenty minutes, we’ll talk about your character. Get comfortable.”

So Cielo left and I went up the stairs into my trailer which had my name stenciled on the outside and I sat in my desk and then I laid down on my bed. I had the script in my arms, above my head, and I just thought, this is it, this is it, Lacy, you did it.

---

Monday night it really hit me, Faith was dead. I was crying off and on and I started drinking before Ben got home.

“Hey, baby.”

“Hey. You been crying?”

I nod.

Ben hugs me.

“You thinking about Faith?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s weird when, someone you’ve been with, dies. You know? You’ve been that close to them, and now they’re not here anymore. You do things with people. And then they’re suddenly gone! That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I keep thinking she’s hiding somewhere, that she’s about to pop out and say ‘Surprise!’ but she’s not, is she? She’ll never do that. She’ll never say she’s gonna kick someone’s ass, again.”

“No, she won’t.”

“I think I’m gonna be moody for a while, Ben.”

“You go right ahead.”

“It’s gonna take a while to get over this, isn’t it?”

“I think so.”

“Do you feel sad?”

“Yes. I miss her. I don’t believe I was just talking to her at the party and then, my god, I mean.”

“I’m so sorry she did that.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But I should have seen it coming. As soon as she started talking about suicide.”

“She wasn’t talking about suicide.”

“But she was. She was. I knew she was. I should have done something.”

“Like what? Jump out in the street and save her?”

“I should have known she meant that.”

“Lacy, how could you?”

“I think I did, I was just too slow to do anything about it.”

“There was no way you could have stopped her. She wanted to do it. She did it.”

“I should have helped her get help earlier.”

“Didn’t she have help?”

“She could have gone to her doctor’s appointments.”

“She wasn’t going?”

“She could have taken her medication.”

“Wasn’t she taking it?”

“Neither of us were. I haven’t been. I’m sorry but I haven’t. I wanted to see how I did without it. I think I’m doing fine. But she obviously wasn’t. And then we’re doing coke on top of that. That can’t have helped her mental situation.”

“She’s an adult, she can choose whether she does coke or not.”

“But I’m her friend, I should be looking out for her. I should have made sure she was ok before we did coke together.”

“How could you have done that?”

“I don’t know.”

“You could have had all the assurances in the world and she still could have done something like this. There’s no way you could have known. A doctor is trained to look for the signs. You can’t be expected to do that. And even a doctor might not see it.”

“Ben?”

“What.”

“I want you to make love to me.”

“I want that too.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

“Well I want you to do it to me gentle style, is that ok?”

“Gentle style?”

“Is that ok with you?”

“Sure. I guess it is.”

---

We started doing it gentle style but Ben couldn’t keep it up. Even when I used my mouth on him he would get hard and then as soon as he was out of my mouth get soft.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you thinking about something else?”

“No.”

“Can you not do it ’cause Faith died?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“It’s not like we just did it or anything. Are you sure you’re not distracted?”

“I’m not. I’m right here. I’m with you, Lacy.”

“We never had this happen before.”

“I know.”

“Is it ’cause we’re doing it gentle style? You want to do it rowdy style or something?”

“I don’t know, Lacy.”

“’Cause I think all I can take right now is gentle style. I don’t have the imagination for anything else. Is gentle style the problem? Do you want me to just suck you off?”

“No, I want to fuck, but.”

“Don’t worry about it baby. I’m not blaming you, I’m just asking. I’m happy to suck you off.”

His dick got a little harder when I said that.

“Is that what you want?”

I put him in my hand and rubbed. Then I sucked the tip a little bit.

“You want it nasty style. That’s what you want. I can tell. Is that what you want, Ben? You can tell me. I’m just not sure I can do anything too, Olympic.”

“I like it gentle style.”

“Are you sure? We haven’t done gentle style in a long, long time.”

“When we first met.”

“Yeah, it’s been since college. I think you first did me gentle style ’cause you were afraid.”

“I was afraid.”

“You thought you were gonna break me?”

“I thought I was gonna piss you off. Like you wouldn’t want to be used like that.”

“Like anything else but gentle style?”

“Right.”

“Silly boy.”

“I learned.”

“Yeah, you did. But I don’t know if I can go for naughty style or cops and robbers style right now. I’m tired, Ben. Maybe I can suck you off and I can use the vibrator.”

“If you want.”

“Do you want me to suck you off?”

“If you’re up for it.”

“I might be up for it. Do you think you can come quick?”

“Maybe.”

“Listen to us. We’re terrible. Why are we off?”

“I don’t know. You think it’s ’cause of Faith?”

“Probably. She did just die. I didn’t think it would affect your dick like this but maybe that’s it. Maybe you’re sad.”

“I do miss her.”

“I miss her too.”

We hug. We hold each other.

“It just makes me think. What if something like that happened to you? You’re here one minute, and the next?”

“I’m so sorry you’re worried about that. I’m not gonna do that. I will not. I will be here with you, no matter what. I love you, Ben. I need you. You’re built into me. I couldn’t do what I do without you. I don’t care if your dick’s not hard. I’ll suck you off. Don’t think about Faith. Think about ponies and rainbows and. Do you want to use some porn?”

“Do you?”

“Get your computer out, boy. Get somma that nasty stash you keep on there. We can’t think about Faith all the time.”

“I know.”

“I know it’s hard. I’ve been thinking about her too. All day. When I was in my trailer today I started thinking about her. How can you not? I mean she was a major part of our lives. Damn her. She’s so stupid for doing that. She could be right here. We could be having fun. The three of us could be sleeping together.”

“Or you two could be making out.”

I start to cry.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s ok. Yeah, she and I could be getting it on while you made us drinks.”

“Do you want a drink?”

“My drink is downstairs.”

“Let’s order pizza and drink and be in our pajamas and watch TV downstairs.”

“And not have sex?”

“We can have sex if we feel like it. Let’s not force it.”

“Are we forcing it? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m just saying, we’ve both been through a lot lately. Let’s be totally decadent. What kind of pizza do you want?”

“Meat lovers.”

“So you’re into this?”

“It’s a great idea.”

“I’ll call on the pizza.”

“I’ll meet you downstairs. I’ll be drinking rum and Cokes like a motherfucker.”

“Like a motherfucker.”

“Like a motherfucker.”

---

The doorbell rings.

“Pizza’s here!”

We both run to the door. Ben opens it.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“That’ll be nineteen-fifty.”

Ben pays him with a credit card.

“And here’s your tip.”

I squeeze in the doorway and pay him his tip in singles.

“Thank you! We really need this pizza tonight.”

“Oh?”

“Desperately. So you’re doing us a service. Thank you.”

“Well you’re welcome. Enjoy it!”

“Did we tip you enough?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Have a good night!”

“Thanks, you too.”

“Was I too friendly?”

“A little.”

“Do you think I’m manic?”

“No.”

---

“Are you sure I’m not manic?”

“I’m not sure.”

“’Cause I was thinking about it today, what was I thinking of. Oh yes! Unusual sexual partners. Casual sex. That’s one of the symptoms of mania. And Cielo. I mean. That’s out of character for me. I’m a one-horse bitch.”

“A two-horse bitch.”

“Yeah.”

And I start crying again.

---

“Is everything going to remind me of her?”

“Probably. For a while.”

“Oh, Ben, I don’t know if I can take this. Like I might need to go to a hospital right now.”

“Like a psych hospital?”

I nod.

“I want to.”

“Do you just want to be where you and her met?”

“Maybe.”

Now I’m sobbing.

“I just want to go and get some help.”

“What do you need help with?”

“I don’t know. My life. My life is fucked up.”

“What’s fucked up about it?”

“My best friend just died!”

“What else?”

“I’m a drug addict.”

“You’re not a drug addict.”

“Yes, Ben, this is what being a drug addict looks like.”

“Your friend just died. You’re sad. It’s normal.”

“I don’t think this is normal.”

“Yes it is. Do you think you’re manic?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you depressed?”

“I don’t think so. I mean I’m depressed about Faith!”

“I know. I am too. It’s terrible. It’s the worst thing. Do you think it’s the worst thing we’ve ever been through?”

“Well, Heather. But that wasn’t like this.”

“We know Faith better.”

“We knew her better. Why aren’t you crying?”

“I don’t know. I am sad.”

“You weren’t as close to her.”

“No, I wasn’t. She was your lover, Lacy. I can’t imagine.”

“It’s, it’s hard.”

I’m sniffling.

“Do you want another drink?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll get you one. Do you have to work tomorrow?”

“Yes, but it’s ok. I’m just meeting with a lawyer.”

“Why are you meeting with a lawyer?”

“To go over my contract.”

“Oh, Lacy, I’m so proud of you.”

“Make my drink strong. Make it mostly rum.”

“No problem.”

“Thank you.”

I wipe my nose. I exhale.

“I think. What upsets me so much. Is it’s such a violent way to go. She really hated herself. If it was me I would just take pills.”

“But you would never do that.”

“But if I did. I’m just saying. I wouldn’t throw myself in front of a car. How do you even do that?”

Ben shakes his head.

“I mean, seriously.”

I’ve got a stern look on my face, and I wish Faith could see it.

Ben comes back with my drink.

“It’s very strong.”

“Good.”

“It’s very strong.”

“Good. Is it getting late? Do you need to go to bed honey?”

“I like it when you call me honey.”

“It’s a new thing I’m trying.”

“Nah, I don’t need to go to bed. I’ll be fine. I love how you can go in any time you want.”

“For these first few days. After that it’s call times and sixteen hour days.”

“Do you want to see your doctor before you start the busy schedule?”

“Dr. Giggle? I’ll see him when my medicine runs out. But I’m thinking of finding a new doctor.”

“I thought you said you weren’t taking your medicine.”

“I’m not. But. I’m thinking about it, Ben. I think I can do fine without it. I’m doing fine now.”

“Well.”

“Well, I mean, aside from all the drama. I’m doing fine.”

“What about the possible manic symptom of fucking Cielo?”

“I don’t know about that. Yeah, I should probably get checked out. I’ll have a talk with Dr. Giggle. He’s not too bad. I’ll call tomorrow, ok?”

“Do you wanna fuck now?”

“Which style?”

“I’ll do it gentle style if you want.”

“Gentle style is I think all I can take right now.”

“Ok, I’ll do it.”

“Can you?”

Ben shrugs. I’m in a pajama dress and I kneel over him on the couch, rubbing his crotch. He won’t get hard.

“I’m sorry baby, I don’t know what the problem is.”

But I do.

---

Ben liked me crazy. He did. He had since day one. Whenever I got myself together, Ben backed off. When I went crazy, Ben got turned on. It was sort of a problem, since I was generally in a mode of getting my shit together. If I wasn’t crazy on crystal meth or kissing bugs or making love to a psychotic girl, would Ben still be interested? I don’t know. Time was going to have to tell, though, because Faith wasn’t around anymore, and I wasn’t about to run across another chick like her.

“Faith’s funeral is tomorrow.”

“What time?”

“Noon.”

“Are you going?”

“Yes. Are you?”

“I don’t think I can. We’ve got stuff at work.”

“Take the day off.”

“Baby, my job’s not flexible like yours.”

“I’d like it if you went with me.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Ben, this isn’t ok. You need closure. That’s what funerals are for. You can’t just skip Faith’s funeral.”

“I know. I don’t want to. But I have to be at work. I’m sorry. You can take Gabby Gabby with you.”

“I’m not gonna take a dog, to a funeral. Gabby Gabby is no substitute for you. Gabby Gabby isn’t sad that Faith’s dead. Presumably you are.”

“I am, baby. I am. I just can’t miss work.”

“Ok well I’ll take a picture for you or something.”

“Don’t be mad. Please.”

“I’ll go by myself. That’s fine. I need you certain times, Ben. This is one of them. How often does your best friend die? Not very often. But if you can’t take a single day off work, then ok. Couldn’t you take a sick day? What would happen if you were sick? Would they be able to go on without you?”

“I don’t want to lie.”

“Lie for once, take a damn sick day.”

“I can see this is really important to you.”

“Yes, it is!”

“I just can’t. You’ll have to go for the both of us.”

“I’m not going ‘for the both of us’. I’m going for me. If you wanted to go, then you’d be going. I’m not going for you.”

“You’ve made that clear. Can I go to bed now?”

“I don’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Doing what, Lacy? I’m not doing anything. You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

“Do you care about her?”

“Yes. Just because I’m not going to her funeral doesn’t mean I don’t care about her.”

“Were you just putting up with her, for me, the whole time?”

“No.”

“I thought you liked her.”

“Now you’re being really unfair, Lacy. Really unfair.”

“Am I? I just think it shows something that you won’t take a day off from work.”

“My work isn’t like your work. We have deadlines. People are expecting me to do things tomorrow. If I don’t show up then a client won’t get their edit. My job is about being there every day.”

“So is mine.”

“I can’t leave work tomorrow. That’s my decision. Can you respect it?”

“I don’t even believe we’re fighting about this. Good night.”

I stand up and leave the room.

“Lacy? Lacy.”

---

The funeral was held at St. Jerome’s Bible Center, this shitty little church in Faith’s neighborhood. I was afraid to park my car there, but, you know, it didn’t matter since it was Faith’s funeral.

There were about five people there, three kids from the neighborhood, Faith’s dad, and me. I went up and sat by Faith’s dad, who was in the front row.

I was late. There was a program, which I didn’t have a copy of, but during the hymns Faith’s dad and I shared a hymnal. We sang three hymns and the minister gave a short speech about Faith. He definitely knew her, or knew of her, because he spoke of her outspokenness, her defiance, and her struggle with mental illness.

Her casket was there. It was closed, obviously. That was the weirdest part about it for me, knowing she was in there, the body I used to make love with. Her vagina was in there, that I used to finger. Probably in some state of decomposition, everything falling apart, but it was in there. I wanted to be in there with her, for the funeral, just crawl inside that box and lie beside her, curl up next to her, brush her hair. Kiss her.

I couldn’t believe myself that I was worried about my car during the service. I thought I was as bad as Ben, that I didn’t really care about her, that she had just been a project to me. But that wasn’t true. I loved her. I loved being with her. I loved her body and her mind. I loved getting into trouble with her, doing coke and stuff. She was so bad. That was the first thing I ever loved about her, in the mental hospital, how bad she was.

The three kids weren’t singing the hymns, they were just whispering and laughing and shifting in their seats. I wondered if they were the kids she was with when they tried to set the gas station on fire. I looked over at them, and I think they thought I was doing it scoldingly, but I wasn’t, I just wanted to see their faces, as people she hung out with. I thought it would be appropriate if I was high at her funeral, but I wasn’t. I took it all in calmly and the only times I cried were during the singing, which I couldn’t bear because it was just me and Faith’s dad and the minister, and Faith’s dad couldn’t sing very well. Something about his simpleness was killing me, that this simple man had had a daughter who killed herself, that the story was so wrapped up like that, and when I went to talk to him after it was over I realized I didn’t even remember his name.

---

“So. How are you?”

“I been better.”

“Yeah. I’m so sorry this happened.”

“You act like it was your fault.”

“Well she was at my party.”

“And she got high? She would’a done that at any party.”

“I guess I’m just sorry she’s gone.”

“I am too. I am too. That there was a fine young girl. Fine.”

“I loved her.”

“She loved you too. She talked about you all the time. Always talkin’ ’bout Lacy.”

I laugh.

“She talked about you too. She really loves you.”

“Oh, I know she did. Me and Faith went through a lot together. With her mother being an addict, and then me being an addict. And then Faith being an addict, I guess. She couldn’t help it. It’s where she comes from. Don’t you get mixed up in that addict life, ya hear?”

“Too late.”

“Don’t say that, Lacy. Don’t say that. There’s time for you. Make Faith proud.”

I wasn’t sure which would make her prouder, though, me staying clean or me having fun on drugs like we always did. I saw the kids leaving St. Jerome’s and I felt a pang because I had wanted to talk to them. But it was worth it to talk to Faith’s dad.

“Can I give you a hug?”

“Sure, pretty thing like you!”

“I miss Faith so much!”

“There, there. Don’t cry. It’s gonna be ok.”

“I should be comforting you!”

“What?”

“I said I should be comforting you! You lost a daughter!”

“Ain’t no difference, we both lost her. Here, just wipe your nose on my sleeve.”

“Gross!”

“Don’t matter. This shirt’s dirty anyway.”

“I mean I’m gross, I’m sorry.”

“Just calm your little head.”

“I bet Faith never had any trouble getting to sleep at night as a kid!”

“No, we sang songs to her almost every night. She didn’t have no trouble gettin’ no sleep.”

“She’s a lucky girl,” I blurt out.

“Yes she was.”

He rubs the back of my head.

“She was lucky to have you too you know.”

“You think so?”

“Anytime you find love, anytime you find love in this world, that’s a good thing.”

“So you knew she was in love with me?”

“She talked about you all the time! I knew you two weren’t just friends if that’s what you mean.”

“And you didn’t mind?”

“Mind!? Lacy, you made my daughter very happy in this life. What more does a father want for his daughter? If you two hadn’t met she would’a had nothing! Don’t cry no more. Lacy, you’re gonna make me cry.”

“Then cry,” I said, and I was weepy as hell, wiping my nose on Mr. Reese’s shirtsleeves and gripping his back. I straightened up and looked him in the face. “Thank you, Mr. Reese. Thank you.”

“Go on and have you a good day, Lacy. Ain’t no sense wasting the rest of this one.”

“I’ll try,” I said. “I’ll try.”

---

Mr. Reese left the church and I sat on the front pew for a second getting myself together. I had tissues in my bag. Then I saw I had my Depakote and Seroquel in there, too, and I put the tissues back in the bag and stood up.

“Hello?”

I was trying to get the minister’s attention but he had already disappeared into some other room. I went along the side of the building and found a hallway that had a water fountain. I went to it and balanced my purse on top of my knee and up against the water fountain, then took out first my Depakote and then my Seroquel and I took the recommended dose of each. Then I zipped up my purse and went outside into the sunshine.

I didn’t go to work that day. I went to the Arclight and saw Mike and drank some gin and tonics and never got around to watching a movie. I looked at the booth where Faith and I had sat the first time we did crystal meth together, and I thought of how crazy we had been. I bought magazines and cried onto their pages, and Mike saw me and put his hand over mine, even though he didn’t know what was wrong and I didn’t tell him.

I got settled with the Atrium. I worked there for many years and I never sucked off Cielo Large again. He was cool about it, he never brought it up or anything, which is more than I can say for my Ohio friends. I got to do films, that dream of mine became a reality, even though I was a little older than I expected when it happened. I gave everything to my career, and let Ben and I slide a little. We didn’t stay together forever, but he was with me through a couple years of Atrium, and then we went our separate ways. We don’t talk anymore, but I know he’s still out here, making movies, doing his thing. I got the dog.

I was a visitor to many mental hospitals in the years following this story. My bipolar got worse. It turned out that what I knew of it in my early twenties was just the beginning. By thirty I had tried a zillion different medications and had multiple breakdowns. I used to dress for the psych ward in normal life, no belt, no shoelaces, always with my phone numbers written on the back of my Westlake Retreat emergency card, so that if I had to go back, I was always ready.

I never got over Faith. I still think about her all the time.

In these pages I’ve tried to capture the gist of my first year in Los Angeles, because, for all its chaos, the year of meeting Faith and my first experiences with work was the year that, I think, best represents who I am, as I’m striving to be what I’ll become.